The super vocal Bethenny Frankel had a very rough last year after she hit the Jackpot with her Skinny Girl Brand and everyone and their mama decided to sue her. More bad news emerged for Bethenny when she tried to start her own talk show and was turned down for having “diarrhea of the mouth” syndrome.

But, it seems that Bethenny will still get her way because the powers that be are going to give her,  her own talk show after all (Ala Jerry Springer hopefully!) Since she got herself a magic godmother named Ellen Degeneres  who will be a co-executive producer and will be helping Bethenny make her talk show dream come true along with the help of some big wig stations. Bethenny’s new show will premiere in June 2012. Bethenny will also be ending her Bethenny Ever After Show this February to make room for her upcoming talk show (supposedly, but methinks it’s also Mr. Bethenny Frankel who is not happy about the idea of their dirty chones being aired.)

Earlier this week Bethenny wrote on her blog, “I have exciting news for you guys! The queen of too much information is coming to DAYTIME! It is going to be an exciting journey and I can’t wait for you to join me,”

Bethenny’s show is supposed to premiere on Fox next summer. She added, “Thanks for being so loyal and supportive, without you, this wouldn’t be happening. See you all this summer on Fox!”

Lately Bethenny has also been running her mouth about Jason’s dick “cobwebs” plus other lack of fuck-session problems, and he is not very happy about that shit. In addition to Jason being pissed, Bethenny herself is fuming also because of the drama with her mother and all that fun shit involved.

A friend of Jason’s told Chicago Sun Times that Jason is , “absolutely enraged by Bethenny publicly talking about their sex life and personal problems — and by the nerve of her estranged mother selling a divorce story about them to one of the supermarket magazines.” The source says that all these allegations from Bethenny’s mother are false, “and [Bernadette] clearly has no clue about what’s really going on in Bethenny’s life — let alone her marriage,”

Bethenny has admitted that she is going through extensive therapy to save her marriage she says, “I’ve always been good at business,” and admits she sucks at relationships “but I’ve always struggled with relationships.”

Also a long time obvious frienemy of Bethenny’s says that Bethenny doesn’t give two shits about Jason, “She’s all about money and business and doesn’t give a crap about Jason.”

What da ya’ Bitches think does Jason have the right to be pissed about Bethenny’s big motormouth and her mother’s involvement in spewing nasty gossip about their married life? I think he does!

 

Recent rumors surfaced about Jacqueline Laurita being a stripper and prostitution whore who met her husband at the pole, but Jacqueline has time and time again denied those rumors and says all those rumors are bullshit and has even gone as far as pulling out of her ass, identification cards and other proof that show Jacqueline  was not a stripper or a prostitution whore.

Jacqueline told The Huffington Post, “I swear on the life of myself, my husband and my children that I was never a call girl or ever got paid for any sexual favor of any kind, either,” and says she is not a liar “Do you honestly think that I am the kind of girl that lies?”and adds ”Honestly? Lying is my biggest pet peeve. I am the biggest open book there is. Almost to a fault.”

Here is the evidence that supports Jacqueline had a legitimate respectable job as a daycare provider  that show proof  she was not earning money the old fashion laying on your back way:

For someone who never stripped or whored around she is worrying too much pulling out all these id’s and whatnot.

On the last episode of RHOA all the skanks piled up on a 7 day flight to Africa except for Kim because she was breast feeding and bound to her newborn baby and no husband at home.

However, Bitter Peter has a different opinion as to why Kim missed the trip and says that it’s because of some racist bullshit about Kim not wanting to go because it’s not somewhere in Europe like Italy or some shit, he says that because they were going to Africa Kim decided to skip.

Kim didn’t like Bitter Peter’s smart ass comments and fired back on her Twitter telling Peter to kiss her ass:

“Peter is so ignorant!! Kj was 7 weeks old, I was breastfeeding and Kroy was gone at football camp! Sooo Peter can kiss my ass!!!”

And speaking of Twitter talks apparently Kim and Sweetie are still friends despite the fact that Kim supposedly fired the enslaved Sweetie. Earlier this week Sweetie twitted some shit about energy drinks to get up early and Kim told her to stay away from that shit because last time they got wired on that shit Kim thought she was having a heart attack:

“noooooo those things are dangerous,”

“last time we took that we thought we were having a heart attack!”

Kim also blabbed some shit on her blog about how people warned her NOT to date Kroy Biermman (why?) because he is an NFL player and because he is younger than her?

‘Don’t date Kroy, he’s an NFL player, don’t date him,’

I wonder how many people warned Kroy NOT to date Kim because she is a goldigger who will suck him out of man-juice and money.

Paul talks Adrienne into going with him to some hidden volcano place so he can try and get some later. Adrienne thinks it’s because he wants to push her over the edge of the mountain and into the ocean, since Paul and her haven’t held hands, or kissed or done it doggy style or any style in 25 years or so. Poor Dr. Frankenstein, all he is trying to do is  get some later from Miss Jocelyn Wildenstein Jr, and all that bitch keeps thinking about is the possibility of getting thrown into the sea and having to swim back minus her thousand dollar wig.

Meanwhile at the hotel Kyle is sitting around in a towel stuffing her face full of Mauricio when suddenly there’s Margaritas at the door but all Kyle hears is the loud meth induced screeches that come out of Kim’s lizard mouth.

Yep, Kim has finally arrived in Hawaii in all her disheveled faded glory.  Surprisingly the walls at this fancy schmancy Four Seasons Hotel are thinner than the walls at the Sleazy 8 Hourly Motel because Kyle can hear every single word Kim is farting out of her mouth. I bet Kyle and Maurico will hear the two fucktards next door going at it monkey style and it will disrupt their get-it-on time.

Meanwhile Mauricio who doesn’t seem to give a shit too much if Kim and Quasi are next door or not, just keeps trying to convince his wife to join him in downing Margaritas, since these may help them block the sound of Kim and Quasi next door.

Honey just come here and get drunk with me and blow me!

Later everyone gets dressed to go to dinner.

Brandi is trying to dry hump grandpa Ken and of course he enjoys it. Mauricio is hoping she tries to hump on him and Kyle for a casual threesome later.

Lisa admits to liking Brandi and her stupidity so she allows her in the Menage a trois.

Then this chunky dude shows up and seems to only notice the “ladies” there. NICE!

Camille and Brandi are ready to jump on chunky boy.

This bitch here gets all exicted when Chunky boy says ‘BLOW”

After Brandi  gets passed around like a joint in a hippie van and gropped by a few Hawaiian fat guys (and she loooves that shit) they all plop down to dinner. It was beautiful.

Camille you’re next bitch!

Kim and Quasi show up nice and fucked up. Kim cannot even walk straight. Kim shows up lying about the real reason why her and Quasimodo missed their flight and now she has forgotten the other excuse she gave Kyle over the phone because she was high like a kite at the time and she can’t keep her lies straight.

So, now Kim has a brand new excuse and says that Quasimodo had to work the corner and so they missed their flight and were unable to show up on time. But then, during her talking head interview the dumb bitch admits she was lying when she says she didn’t want to go into explanations about the real reason she was late and that’s why she told Kyle and Mauricio it was because Quasi had to work.

Why does she insist on wearing this hideous garbage bag or psycho Christmas wrapping paper whatever the fuck that shit is she is wearing? WHY KIM?

Wait, DUUH! What was the reason I told these bitches we missed the flight and the train? Did I say I lost my keys and underwears or that Ken had to work? Oh well, I was too fucked up I can’t remember shit.  HE HE HE!!! METH IS A HELL OF A DRUG!

Mauricio and Kyle are equally confused and annoyed with all of Kim’s bullshit.

So Mauricio and Kyle both decide they want to confront Kim and Quasimodo on their constant lying right then and there, in the middle of Mauricio’s birthday dinner. Kim insist (and acts like it’s no big deal she lied) that it’s because her and Quasi were fucked up for the last 3 days on king meth and smack cocktails the supposedly retired Quasi had to work. Mauricio says that they are bullshitting him because he was told previously that Quasi was retired and all of the sudden he has to work, not to mention that Kim also bullshitted Kyle while on the call from her house when she told her she lost her passport and keys and underwear and blah, blah, blah.

And she tries to keep up the charade even with Mauricio confronting her and the cameras rolling. But, I have to agree with Kim and fucktard this was the WRONG time to call her out on her bullshit. But, with these bitches even when fun things are happening around them they all have to shit on it one way or the other. Kim tells her sister and Mauricio to eat the “story” they are feeding them and to quit worrying about the lateness and just be happy and enjoy herself and not ruin Kim’s  high. Kyle says it’s “BULLSHIT!”

Mauricio gets all turned on by Kyle’s insistence on calling out her doped out lying sister and asks Kyle for a kiss after she almost starts a hair pulling cat fight with Kim.

Kim’s hit of X plus the cocktail of other questionable pills kicks in and also to clown on Mauricio and Kyle she decides to smooch on Quasimodo and mock Mauricio.

Then, a frustrated Kyle  notices nothing is fazing Kim so she decides it’s time to talk shit about someone else and she brings up the Chankla/Russell situation and says that Chankla finally left Russell. Kim starts laughing because that was some good smack she slammed that day and surprisingly (and this happens once in a while) out of her insanity mouth truth comes out when she blurts out that Chankla left Russell so that she can be invited to the next party for sure. Everyone looks at Kim like she has maggots coming out of her mouth, but the bitch speaks the truth so everyone else realizes that they have to agree with this crazy bitch on this one. Paul says that Chankla will be back with Russell in two weeks and Camille calls her ‘The boy who cried wolf.”

Lisa (who drank of Chankla Face’s feel sorry for me Kool Aid) tries to stick up for Chankla by saying that she never heard Chankla cry wolf for Russell about leaving him. Camille quickly jumps in and calls bullshit on that bitch and says that Chankla Face said she was leaving Russell while at Camille’s house. Because this dinner is turning awkward Paul decides to propose a toast to his sexy wife who barely gives him a peck on the lips. Everyone gives Adrienne shit for not sucking face with Paul so she decides to plant a good open mouth kiss while she sticks her tongue down his throat. Crazy ass Brandi believes prudish Adrienne is a freak in the bedroom and her and Paul must attend a lot of Roman orgies and such. Yeah, I can just picture Paul with a gag ball in his mouth while Adrienne wears a dominatrix jumpsuit and whips him.

Then, Adrienne makes one of these “I can’t believe I did that!” stupid numbers that bitches like her like to give.

Kyle is sitting there shooting daggers at Chicken Head and Quasi. But, Chicken head Kim can’t tell because she is  flying too high to notice that shit. All Kim cares about is having Quasimodo stay up all night to rub her flat ass. Everybody puked their dinner.

Kyle and Lisa are yapping about what an inconsiderate asshole Kim is and Lisa makes a good point to Kyle about letting it go and quit crying because Kim will never change.

I just want to punch Kim in the face!

Mauricio then, does a toast to tell the truth that will set you free because he is following some fun philosophy or some shit.

This little toast causes Kyle and Kim and Mauricio to start yelling at each other in anger. I bet Kim was really pissed that all these fucktards were pissing on her high.

FUCK YOU ALL IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS EVEN IF I WAS IN SOME GUTTER HAVING METH SPAMS!

BITCH YOU LIED AND NOW NOBODY CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME, LANAI IS RUINED!

While they all yell at each other everyone keeps eating their dinner that now Kim, Kyle, Mauricio and Quasi shit on.

The next day around noon, all the bitches get ready to go on a sail boat ride. They all put on their chones to go catch the short bus to the boat ride except for of course Kim who is too fucked up to find her granny chones and join the other ho’s on time.

Guess who go a blow job last night!

SHUT UP PAUL!

Kyle and Lisa get impatient and go knock on Kim’s door.

Their sailboat ride is in about 20 minutes and so the bitches get impatient and decide to  jump the connecting wall.

Lisa gets her big butt stuck on the wall’s glory hole.

AAAHHH!!! MY BIG FAT ASS (In her uppity English accent) GOT STUCK IN THE THING!!

After Lisa got some butter to unstuck her big British ass, Kyle and Lisa decide to pound on Kim’s back sliding glass door so that Kyle can stand there yelling at that ho’.

GET UP BITCH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!

After Lisa and Kyle climb the wall one more time they both go pound on Kim’s front door.

Kim is either stupid, playing stupid or just still fucked up from her meth and booze binge because she doesn’t even know who is at the front door. This is when Lisa should of said OPEN UP IT’S THE POLICE! Just to fuck with her, I would of.

Then stupid Kim starts fighting with Lisa because she doesn’t want Lisa to come in and see her mirror and that powdery white stuff on it. She will let Kyle in since she already knows about that shit. Finally they all do what they should of done in the first place and leave without Kim.

LATER BITCH!

The other bitches board the boat and have some sort of a teetie contest.

Kim and Quasimodo get in their own car to board the boat. Kim and Quasi don’t even want to go do this activity and in Kim’s delusional head of delusions and meth induced dreams she believes the boat will not leave without her because she is a Marlon fisher? What the fuck? I thought she was an Arabian horse? Now she is a Marlon fisher and this will make the captain to be forced to wait for her? Meth is a hell of a drug indeed. While they all the skanks and the boat crew are sailing away, they see Kim and Quasi driving to the docs but the Captain says he ain’t turning around for that trick and if she wants to join the boat her and Quasi will have to swim. Well bitch they are leaving without you!

Kim and Quasi get there right when the boat was taking off and here’s Kyle!

KIIIIIIM!!! BITCH SWIIIIMMM!!!!

Kyle gets all upset that Kim will be missing the boat and will not be attending so that Kyle can push her over board. Quasi and Kim don’t seem to give a shit or be too bothered they missed the boat. As a matter of fact I think Kim and Quasi wanted to miss that boat on purpose so that they can hole up in the hotel room so they can chop their breakfast on a mirror. During her talking head Kim keeps lying about the real reason they  missed their wake up call while wearing that fugly ass garbage bag that she wears when she misplaces her clothes.

Next Kim and Quasi sit at their lanai babbling about nothing while Kim keeps repeating that “it all happened for a reason.” Following by Quasimodo saying some shit about “respect or else” and threatens to flip out on people if they don’t show respect or some shit, in his weird ass convicted felon voice.

All the land hags have become sea hags. Lisa tries to take off Brandi’s piece of floss that she wears as a bikini so that her vagina can be exposed but surprisingly Brandi catches on to that and ties the piece of floss back onto her tights to cover her ass crack. Mauricio is all trying to look. Everyone who is not afraid of water (Camille and Mauricio) jump in the cool water to see the fishis. But, all the other skank hags stay on the boat because their hair weaves may fall off in the water and their makeup may run. Not to mention the wax on their faces may melt. Camille didn’t seem to have a problem with that so I don’t understand why the other ho’s couldn’t join her.

Brandi wastes no time flirting with the cute Captain of the Trilogy and asks him if he is married or has kids, his response “no just a free spirit” in other words after the one night stand get the fuck out and take a  cab home and don’t call me again.

YOU’RE JUST A BOOTY CALL!!!

Lisa and the other ho’s agree that with Brandi’s “no dimple ass” she shouldn’t even wear clothes.Brandi says that she reminds Lisa of Lisa when Lisa was a young “hottie patootie” and the torch is in Brandi’s hands now. How old is Brandi like 38? I swear these bitches make me feel like I’m a fucking teenager compare to them. Another reason I watch this show.

Next we see Chankla Face talking with her bestie Dana/Pam. Chankla is complaining to Dana/Pam about getting left in California and not be invited to Hawaii because of Russell’s shenanigans. Why is Dana/Pam all lobster red? Was she left out in the sun for 17 hours or did someone take an iron to her face?  Dana/Pam tells Chankla Face that once those bitches realize how wrong they were to kick the Chankla out of the club house because of Russell and once they find out she kicked him to the curb they will all come back with open arms and invite her to their parties and Hawaii trips (paid by Bravo) again.

And Chankla Face sat there crying some more.

Meanwhile in Hawaii the bitches are all going to their final dinner. Everyone is in attendance. When Paul and Adrienne show up Paul kept barking at the hostess “WHAT’S YER NAME?!” Like he was some incoherent rapper holding an oversized plastic chalice painted gold. Adrienne being the most polite of the two tells his ass to calm down.

Of course Kim and Quasi show up all high and on time surprisingly. Everyone keeps busting Kim’s balls about her constant absence and asking her what the fuck is going on with her chicken headed ass because she missed every single activity that was planned. Kim just keeps repeating that she missed the boat “for a reason”. She must be right because the reason must be that her skinny ass would of either gotten thrown overboard or just flowned overboard like Brandi’s ass and floss almost did.

Before everyone plops down to scarf their dinner Paul, Adrienne and Kim are all outside talking about Kim’s relationship to Quasi and how she met him and that type of shit. Quasimodo was wondering around and when he comes by Kim and the others he finds out they are talking about him and Kim makes a joke that this is why his ears are ringing. Quasi doesn’t get the joke and gets up in Adrienne’s face and starts confronting her about how he is not a fan of whatever shit they are spewing about him and how Adrienne has a surprised face like she got caught saying something bad about him. And he is all a weirdo dick about it too with  his sinister low voice .

Paul just stands there watching this fool confront his wife I was waiting for Paul to punch him out but Paul was more classy than that and just said to Quasi that they were saying good things about him and makes him feel stupid.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE SAYING GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU. YOU DO KNOW MY WIFE ALWAYS HAS A SURPRISED CRAZY PLASTIC SURGERY LOOK ON HER FACE BECAUSE OF THE SIX  FACE TRANSPLANTS I’VE PERFORMED ON HER FACE RIGHT?

While sitting at dinner Quasimoto starts to trip on Kim about the food she is eating. Quasimoto seems to think he can tell Chicken Head what cheeses she likes and what food she should shove down her fat mouth.

BITCH I’M TELLING YOU WHAT YOU LIKE NOW. DON’T ARGUE WITH ME!

BUT I LIKE BRIE CHEESE!

Kim then, asks for her blanky and Quasi hands it to her so she can cover up because she is cold when she comes down from her meth binges.

Kim keeps telling everyone how she sat around all day and wasted the day pretty much “relaxing” and  “everything happens for a reason” blah, blah, blah. Mauricio and Kyle are still pretty “understandably” pissed off over cracky missing two planes, a bus, a train and a boat and so they decide to confront her crazy ass again.

And again Kim and Quasi just keep acting like nothing happened. Quasi says “we don’t” give a shit what you think and riles up Kyle even more.

Finally Kim and Quasi make the best decision they could of ever made and ’scram” like the assholes they are.

Phaedra and her mom hang out at her kitchen and feed little baby Ayden. Phaedra tells her mother how she wishes Apollo would just get on board with the funeral home business so she can finally fulfill her fantasy of becoming the next Adams family Morticia and leave this legacy to little Ayden. Because that’s the only reason why Phaedra would want to leave her lucrative profession as a lawyer for strippers and porn stars and move to 0001 Cemetery Lane and start a funeral home. Apollo doesn’t want anything to do with this creepy funeral business. He may see people he knows there, since his current business involves scenes and situations from Too Fast Too Furious an’ all.

For some reason I thought Cynthia and her husband Bitter Peter were going to some counselors office while they wait at some place because the two of them are biting at each other (and not in a good way) but instead they are going to some dance lessons. Odd place to get into an awkward argument at. Cynthia is all pissed off at Peter for ditching her at that agency opening party she threw because Uncle Ben was too busy hanging out with some girl named Betty Crocker, from the pool party the night before. Bitter Peter tells Cynthia if she don’t like this marriage to get off the train at the next stop.

Cynthia and Bitter Peter keep bickering and airing out their dirty laundry. Suddenly some dance instructor lady comes out to teach them how to move their left feets without each other trying to lead or else they may try to continue killing each other.

Kim is bitching and complaining that baby Kroy pees on all her designer clothes (that Big Poppa more than likely bought as well as her tacky ass furniture) her daughter Kim Jr Brielle  is mouthy and doesn’t want to help her put away the Versace china (that Big Poppa bought her).

However, little Arianna is helpful and willing to make her momma happy because she knows who to suck up to so she can get Kim’s golddiging money when Kim dies that Kim earned while on her back or all fours. That little girl is smart. Brielle is acting out because she wants to test her mom and Kroy.

I feel sorry for Kroy because now he has to play dad to a spoiled kid that he hasn’t known for that long and the worst part is he jumped in this dad business right when Brielle got the teenage horns that come out of their skull when they turn 14, after the horns come out the head starts spinning and they start talking back so you need special holy water to handle that shit. Poor Kroy God be with him.

Kandi  and Lil Ronnie head to Tennessee to work on writing some country songs with her new country star friend Jo Dee Messina who moves almost all of Kandi’s songs words around to make it sound more country. But Kandi has a country voice when she sings. Kandi is all nervous that Jo Dee doesn’t like her songs, but it all ends up well when they compromise since that chick Jo Dee is pretty cool and laid back. Kandi rubs all of Jo Dee’s country music awards for good luck. Later on Lil Ronnie buys Kandi her first cowgirl hat and some boots. Kandi is now an official cowgirl.

NeNe hangs out with Marlo who is confronting NeNe about making the fugly double ass monster with Charles Grant. NeNe denies it and says she only had a drink with Charles (maybe they did bump fuglies but the two fools where so drunk they don’t remember what happened?)

NeNe says that Charles never ever saw her “Hello Kitty” and Marlo tells NeNe that the rumor of her and Charles better not come back true because Marlo is an ex-con who’s been arrested 7 times and did time for beating up a girl. NeNe’s eyes bulge out with fear and so instead of fighting with Marlo she decides to invite her to go shopping with her. Later on the two Amazonian hot messes go shopping together and they bond. I think NeNe is keeping this dangerous ex-con on her good side.

Sheree shows up at Kim’s rented mansion with yoga mats and healthy vegetable snacks. Kim whose idea of keeping her chunky ass slim is going to the doctors office to have the cottage cheese fat removed from her tights via vacuum suction system, is not happy with the idea of having to do planks on the floor on a mat because that takes effort (with an “A”) that her princess fat ass doesn’t want to have to put out because she has to conserve that energy to have Kroy plank her on the floor instead.

What Kim doesn’t understand and Sheree was trying to explain to her beast ass (the same way Phaedra tried to explain the law to Sheree previously) is that she is now married to an athlete with a tight ass who is around hot cheerleaders so homegirl needs to keep up.

Sheree also drools over Kroy while doing planks in an effort to encourage Kim to exercise. After like two planks because that’s all Kim can handle, Sheree tries to make that bitch some healthy veggie smoothies, but Kim bitches and moans that it tastes like crap even thought she ends up admitting it’s not that bad.

Kim also complains to Sheree about her difficult spoiled teenager Kim Jr whose head’s been spinning like the exorcist while she pukes green stuff on people and poor Kroy is in the middle of this mess trying to be dad. Oh well I am sure Brielle will come out of it and turn like Jacqueline’s Ashley so she’ll be fine! Kroy’s just gonna have to buy her a condo in California when she is 20 to get rid of her.

Later on that day Phaedra and her husband Apollo meet up with Willie Watkins to try and convince Apollo to be part of Phaedra’s fabulous funeral home that Phaedra will make the dead person the star of because she wants “to do funerals worth dying for,” and turn a funeral into fabulous “Events! Not just throw ‘em in the ground. Let’s throw ‘em in the ground with a bang!”. Apollo wanted to puke when he toured the embalming room (I kinda did too I have that same puke gross creeped out of dead people thing this guy has) Phaedra admits that she is into vampires. TOLD YA’ SHE IS GOTH!

Apollo thanks Willie Wonka I mean Watkins for the tour and after Willie and Phaedra share a few more creepy laughs together Apollo and Phaedra leave and Apollo says he will think about it. Meaning HELL TO THE NOOOO!!!

NeNe shows up at some chi-chi fund raiser Marlo invited her to, for some Captain Planet save the whales or something or the other thing. Anyway, NeNe meets another Viking Amazon like herself who is trying to peddle NeNe the earrings she designed inspired after the “Italian” (really NeNe?) Dalai Lama. Did y’all see “Miss Tall’s” mortified face when NeNe thought the “The spiritual leader of Tibet” was some Italian hippie dude or some shit?  And Marlo didn’t catch on to that! HA HA HA HA!!

After Elizabeth Dewberry realized the intellectual “chameleon” genius she was dealing with (that wasn’t going to buy any of the super expensive, high class, yard sale items available that day) she jumped out of the scene hoping to NOT be filmed anymore. If you’re gonna be a “Chameleon” learn some basic culture about the type of stuff these rich ass donation peddler fucktards are babbling about. Watch History Channel or something. PAY ATTENTION PLEAZZZEEE!!!!

Later on , Apollo shows up at Phaedra’s office with a bouquet of flowers and tells her he wants to discuss going into the funeral business with her. Phaedra finds a way to convince Apollo to be sucked into Phaedra’s necrophiliac vampire fantasies by appointing him the hottie that will be comforting young hot girls in mourning. Phaedra’s a freak! HA HA HA!! She will pimp her husband out she don’t give a shit, I like that bitch. With that offer Apollo decides quickly that he will be going into the funeral business with her after all. But, he is not touching no dead bodies! Somehow Phaedra found a way to make him part of her goth adventures. But failed to make him agree to touch the dead people. Looks like Phaedra has more work to do!

Next Cynthia and Uncle Ben go to real counseling (as foreshadowed earlier when they went to the dance lessons.) Bitter Peter appears to be trying to be a good husband and hear when he is wrong. Except when Cynthia yells at him to write shit down because he has old timer’s disease and can’t remember shit with his “dinosaur” brain. In the end Bitter Peter tells Cynthia he loves her and they kiss and make up. Until next fight.

On the last episode of RHOA Marlo Hampton,  straight up told a shocked NeNe Leakes that she’s been arrested a total of 7 times and went to prison for 6 months for an “altercation with another young lady.”

Well apparently the “young lady” that Marlo altercated with on that particular day committed suicide 6 years later at the age of 33 by jumping off a Florida bridge leaving a young child with no mother behind. What Marlo also forgot to mention was that, she had slashed this poor woman repeatedly in the face in a rage of jealousy resulting in disfiguring her face and the other woman almost bled to death while awaiting medical attention at the club where the two of them got into that nasty fight.

That is fucking sick I know I talk a lot of crazy shit and laugh about a lot of the clownish stunts these ho’s pull,  but slashing another person’s face until disfigurement occurs is just NOT funny. Specially when it appears that perhaps later on, that poor woman that had her face cut up had depression problems as the result of the face disfigurement and eventually the depression of constantly seeing her face slashed may of led to her  to commit suicide at a young age. Plus who knows what other mental issues she had, but I’m sure this added to her problems.

This is all very violently sad and what Marlo did is something that only a sick sociopath with jealousy issues would delight in. Marlo however, blames all this crazy behavior on her being brought up in foster care and being a product of her messed up environment because her mom was a crackhead or some shit. But still no matter how you want to spin it that’s some fucked up bad Karma shit there. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle but either way this chick still sounds scary and when she was telling NeNe  “People act like they don’t have a past. I’ve had problems in my life. I’ve had a couple of run ins with the law. I hope you don’t take it a certain kinda way and not wanna be my friend because…I been arrested 7 times…” NeNe was getting nervous. You could tell.

Because of all these shenanigans Bravo decided to not invite Marlo as a permanent nut-case in this clown-bus. At least that’s what they are saying.

Marlo also failed in getting Charles Grant to agree to be part of the charade she was going to sell us on Bravo about how her and Charles were an item.

StraightFromTheA recently got an email from the victim’s family asking Marlo not to refer to their relative as a “bitch”  because she has passed away. Supposedly Marlo had mention that she had “cut a bitch” or some other insensitive fucked up shit like that when referring to the time when she slashed the victim’s face.

Look at how Marlo smiles at the mug shot camera like she is smiling for her prom picture. That’s psychopath scary!

This is the email that the victim’s family send StraightFromTheA:

According to US Magazine, Kim Richards first entered rehab and then, left rehab early because she was being “defiant” as well as difficult while she was in it , but ended up going back. I wonder if she was jumping on tables while people in white jackets where chasing her with nets and she was yelling NO NOOO NOOO!!! Brandi has pointed out that she believes Kim is a crackhead who is “wasted out of her fucking mind” and other sources revealed that, “Kim’s alcohol addiction along with other substance abuse problems has been obvious for quite some time,”

Kim was also supposed to be homeless after rehab and living with Kyle afterwards. However, Kyle denies those reports. She told RumorFix “She won’t be living with me,” and added  “We’re a little too old for that.” Kim also pulled a Jacqueline Laurita move when she skipped the reunion. But, Bravo doesn’t seem to be  pissed off that this ho’ skipped the reunion since she was more than likely too high to go and perhaps Bravo was footing the bill for Kim so that she don’t OD and accidentally pulls a Russell.

Kim was supposed to be staying in a hotel in The Beverly Hillbillies according to Radaronline. “Kim is out of rehab and staying in a hotel in Beverly Hills,” Not bad for a homeless broad. According to the gossip mill, “Kim is doing well.” For now.

Also the same article on Radaronline mentions that at the reunion “Brandi was out of control,” and pissing on the other bitches with a golden shower of choice curses and swears. Nice!

Jacqueline Laurita who supposedly tried to “forgive” Teresa Giudice during one of her Christmas spasm during the holidays (and probably forgot about that shit already since Christmas is over) will be returning for another season of this train-wreckage despite recent juicy rumors that she was fired by Bravo for violating her contract by ditching the reunion. Perhaps Miss Bravo had a change of heart because he stated on Monday everyone will be returning:

“Andy Cohen appeared on the Wendy Williams Show on Monday morning and confirmed that ALL cast members are returning – that includes the Manzo family, Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline (sic),”

Jacqueline also confirmed via Twitter, that she will be returning :

“FACT! No, I have not quit the show and no, I have not been fired. Season 5 is a mystery. Guess you will just have to … Watch What Happens! XO!”

After Chankla Face and Russell get thrown out of the white sheeet mariachi party, the other bitches gather in the living room to talk shit about how ghetto Chankla and Russell are for suing innocent drunk, bystander rich bitches, who are only repeating every word Chankla babbled out during one of her motormouth moments.

Everyone agrees that Chankla Face and Russell have cheesed everyone off. Russell, for suing every bitch in the room and Chankla Face for involving everyone in her TrailerPark style fights with Russell. You know,the ones where the woman gets her ass beat and then tells everyone about it and when the people call the police she yells at them and cries so her man doesn’t get arrested?

But at this point it seems that Chankla Face Trailer Parky is just having passionate fantasies about getting bitch slapped around; because NO ONE can verify the beatings since Chankla doesn’t seem to have any bruises (except for maybe her big fat lips, but that maybe because of the weekly  piss injections she gets in her tire lips.) Even Chankla’s best friend is sitting there in the circle of gossipy bitches, and he too is doubtful of the Chankla delusional stories. Adrienne and Paul think that bitch can go piss on a ditch for all they care.

Back at the dance floor of this pachanga, Kim is nice and lit up (like usual) and starts throwing these Chicken on crack dance moves. HA HA HA HA!!! DOES THIS BITCH KNOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN WHEN SHE’S ALL HIGH DANCING ??? IS THAT WHY HER VERSION OF DANCING LOOKS LIKE SHE IS HAVING A SEIZURE WHILE SHE TRIES TO FLY AWAY???!!! HA HA HA HA!!!

After Kim’s boyfriend Quasimodo is done taking a scary dump and breaking Kyle’s upstairs bathroom and leaves it so tore up the bitch is going to have to remodel that shit again, he goes off to find Kim on the dance floor (with his finger in his mouth)  and of course Kim is all high and drunk out of her Chicken Brain  and leg humping some random fool. So, Quasimodo gets all jelaous grabs that ho and makes her dance with his fugly ass. The two scary looking fucktards start making out and “clear the dance floor” but not because they are a sexy couple that everyone wants to see humping, but because they are a scary couple no one wants to see kiss or touch. Because it’s gross and people don’t want to be near some disgusting abomination like that!

Next, Kim is all happy that the bitch getting the boot for being a drunk asshole is not her, but instead it’s Chankla Face.

In the limo Chankla is pretty livid for getting the boot from the party. Her and Russell are wondering what the fuck just happened. Then, Russell starts denying the so called accusations that Camille heard from Chankla’s fish lips and repeated about his hobby of  pimp slapping Chankla like a cheap slut. Russell says those where untrue exaggerations, but Chankla just sits there with an uppity, defensive, awkward attitude flapping her rubber-band lips going, “uhum!” Worried that Russell is going to catch her in her lies. Then, she says with her voice over that these were exaggerations, but not lies. Make of that what you will.  Russell insist that instead of going back to Sin City they go back to the house they’re squatting at the time.

Back at the party the sowing circle of gossipy bitches are still squawking about the Chankla situation. Adrienne says that there is her side his side and in the middle there’s the truth. Ain’t that the truth in this situation.

Kyle is pissed that she can’t even enjoy her party by stuffing her face with Fat Burger while doing the splits. I’m wondering whose fucking genius idea was to serve greasy Fat Burgers when people are wearing white designer gowns and such.

After all this shit happened the bitches get ready and pack their 35 bags a piece to go to Hawaii. Lisa apparently has never been since the bitch thinks she can wear some old casino-whore, poodle gown she had stored in a box since 1971 and so she puts it on. You just can’t wear that type of shit in Hawaii they throw you out and make you swim back to the mainland. I know I checked.

Ken says he ran into Cedric who got a job as House Blow Job Bitch for some interior decorator.

Lisa is all pissed off that her new bestie Chankla Face isn’t going to Hawaii to ruin their vacation, but Brandi will be handling the ruining part instead along with Chicken Head Kim and her Quasimodo drug dealer. So don’t worry Lisa the vacay will be ruined somehow, Bravo will make sure of that. Also Giggi can’t go to Hawaii because the airlines don’t take purse dogs.

All the skank hags show up at the airport in their uncomfortable high heels  to board a plane to Hawaii. They looked like they were attending a tranny convention for retired casino stiletto hookers .  How kook of them!

While all the skanks hang out at some waiting room stuffing their faces and drinking champagne,  Kyle calls Kim to see where she is at because the plane is about to board in two seconds and bitch will not make it on time. Kim answers the phone all high and out of her skull and when Kyle asks her where she is at, Kim doesn’t even know how to answer that shit because she is all fucked up at some gutter somewhere in an alley in the armpit of North  Hollywood and has no idea where the fuck she is at or what day it is.

Kim hasn’t packed her clothes of course, doesn’t have any type of identification because she lied to Kyle about going to the DMV to renew her drivers licence a while back  and thinks she needs a passport to fly to Hawaii because the dumb asshole doesn’t realize Hawaii is in the United States. But, that’s what happens when you’re getting the premium blow from the dealer you’re blowing. Plus I am sure if Kim even realizes that she will be going to Hawaii she would be more worried about figuring out how to shove those balloons up her bony chicken ass to contraband them into the plane so she can get high later. Why doesn’t she just find some surfers at the beach and asks them where to score some weed? Oh, yeah it won’t count unless it was made in a dirty bathtub with Formaldehyde and it goes up your nose or in your veins via dirty needle.

Brandi is nice and high on Xanax and has been downing that shit with booze on the plane on the way there. Brandi seems like she is a lot of fun specially when she is pill popping and boozing, but all the other bitches don’t think that except for Camille who is Brandi’s new tittie bestie .

All the bitches arrive in Hawaii and head to Lanai, so they all pile up on some old-timey airplane left over from the Nazi wars of 1930. The pilot had to go outside and manually turn the propeller (that was being held with duct tape) and then jump start the plane while two guys pushed it from behind. This low budget plane was not acceptable for the sophisticated foo-foo la-la crew that was boarding it and so they all make a torrent of smart ass remarks about how ghetto this plane is. Mauricio is the one responsible for renting this banged up bucket and with his low paying freeway Orange salesman job salary, this is all this fool could afford. POBRECITO!! But, of course Kyle is embarrassed as fuck that he rented this accident waiting to happen relic that was supposed to be a private Jet not a private wreck.

I think the plane was fine it was the wrecks that got on it that were hazardous. I should get me one of thems Orange salesman job’s Mauricio has so I too can afford fancy ass planes such as this one!

When all the skank hags land on the island of Lanai, they all have to cram together and smell each others farts again. This time they shove them in some little clown bus and Brandi is nice and high and starting shit with the elderly Lisa and grandpapi Ken about how they’re too old to fuck or some shit. Lisa is getting all hissy-pissy.

Later on that night Brandi just keeps getting more fun and interesting so she decides to hang all over old man Ken like a cheap coat on a used rack. Except she was hanging her cheap rack on his used cock. Lisa notices that and she don’t like that shit. So, she threatens to cut that bitch if she doesn’t take her hands off her man and of course Brandi just keeps hanging on old grandpapi on purpose while flying on Xanax and monkey piss bong water or whatever the fuck that bitch was sucking on.

The next morning Brandi and Camille get some skimpy dental floss bikinis (but specially Brandi) while they both lay out in the sun wishing for some hot cabana boy to come by and spray them with tan lotion, but instead they get a chunky pool boy who sprays them with Hawaii sewer rat water. I wonder if the night Brandi and Camille scissored it up in Vegas  they were worried about their thin blade legs cutting them both in half?

While the two skanks laid there like two pieces of beef jerky drying up in the sun, Lisa and Ken show up so that Ken can ogle at Brandi. Lisa was all pissed off because Ken acts like such an embarrassing horny old toad all drooling on Brandi and asking her if her leg is okay or if she needs to have him arrange somebody to carry her on their back to the beach.

All this time Lisa was fuming because even though ooooooold fart Ken is old enough to be Lisa’s grandpapi Lisa is old news to him now and 38 year old brand new Brandi is old enough to be his great granddaughter and so he gets off on flirting with her. EEEWWWWW!!!!

Back in Cali Chankla Face is talking with her marriage counselor, about what an asshole her husband is and how because of him she is getting kicked out of every important white sheeet party in the Beverly Hillbillie’s and she will not stand for another boot to the ass at a party no more because she is tired of doing maintenance for this sob. The whole time Chankla Face and the counselor were talking they turned it into the let’s bash and blame Russell for everything hour.

Chankla calls the bitches on the phone to advice her marriage to Russell is ending because the bitch can’t handle first getting kicked out of the white sheeet party and next being banned from the Hawaii vacay, what’s next she may get kicked out of loitering at the Beverly Hillbillie’s public streets and fine establishments (where she doesn’t even live, but wishes she did) and then what?

IT’S OVER!  MY MARRIAGE IT’S OVER!! IT’S THE LAST TIME I AM GETTING THROWN OUT OF A PARTY !!!!WAAAAHHH!!!! WAAAAHHH!!! SINCE I AM GETTING A DIVORCE CAN I SWIM TO HAWAII AND JOIN YOU GUYS?

Brandi Glanville and her Faux-Husband had a blast during their Vegas Gone Wild Wedding, fondling strippers in a fun clusterfuck of drinking and puking on each other at the end of the night, in time for their Faux-Honeymoon. Check out the pictures at the bottom, bottom.

And speaking of Brandi enjoying scissoring bitches and what-not, this bitch also started a rumor a source told the National Enquirer, that she used to go down on Demi Moore’s gray cougar den. I bet that bitch pays good money for head and Brandi had bills to pay. That is IF the rumor is true and that’s a BIG IF, because it sounds like Brandi was the one who stood on top of a bench with a loud-speaker and was bragging about that shit  “Brandi was quite proud of what happened,” this little lesbian fuz-bump fest, went on in March 2009 at Bruce Willis estate in Turks & Caicos.

According to Brandi the source, Brandi and Demi had to stop their lesbian hump marathon because they got caught by Ashton Kutcher. “She was bragging as she recounted every sordid detail. Brandi said they stopped what they were doing because Ashton [Kutcher] interrupted them.”

Brandi and Demi’s supposed hook up first took place, at a wedding for Demi’s ex-husband Bruce Willis. Brandi supposedly even bragged to Bruce’s new wife Emma Heming and it was the first thing she told the so-called source, ‘After she got back home from the wedding, Brandi confessed to me, “I hooked up with Demi Moore.”’

Later on because it’s not true since is was just Brandi’s wild fantasies that started this rumor, Brandi herself denied the lesbian allegations on Twitter and says she is strictly dickly:

Brandi sure is more fun than a boat full of drunken monkeys.