Real Housewives Of New York Recap, Chic, C’est la Merde
(I don’t know how the title of this recrap sounds in French, but anytime I can find and use a new curse word in a foreign language I’m going to throw it in there. Enjoy!)
Ramona and Sonja go to the gym and get hit on by an old crusty man. Gonzo gets all excited and asks the old fart how much money he has and if he needs a date for the evening, but he turns her down so she gets sad and says goodbye to her possible could of been future ex-husband.
Also, while at the gym Ramona brags to Gonzo about what a wonderful mother she is to her daughter Avery (you know the one that complains that her and Mario are never around past 9:30pm) unlike LuAss who is only a weekend mother and who loves to slut around with every Tom, Dick and Harry-Balls in her pathetic music videos. Ramona brings up how LuAnn’s son Noel’s face fell out of embarrassment when he saw his mother laying around on “Money Can’t Buy You Class It Can Only Buy You Ass” video with a gang-bang of naked hot gay guys. How embarrassing!
Gonzo who is the old whore of New York says she didn’t think LuMan’s video was a slut flick, but Ramonzon insist that LuAnn’s video is Evil and she is sending a whore message that Ramonzon doesn’t agree with. Gonzo who is one Bravo paycheck away from the homeless shelter decides she will go along with Ramona’s bullshit this one time (you know just in case Ramona decides to come out of the closet and let Sonja move in with her and Mario!) and so decides she is not going to be on this video either.
Alex and Simon are having some kind of a hobo-barbecue complete with the package of 8 hot dogs for 99 cents, plus generic brand beer and Kool Aid. Alex dances around with the hot-dogs, trying to be sexy and fails miserably. Her son little Frankie who is now wearing his own Ride The Lightning Metallica shirt, innocently smacks her in the ass probably the same way he’s seen his drunken dad do that before many many times and Simon tells him to quit smacking what he can’t afford or some shit like that. It was freaking hilarious, then his little crazy ass decides to go find some booze to be part of the adult party. Simon tells him to put the booze down and wait until he is seventeen just like Simon did when he was a young punk growing up in Australia drinking Fosters and smacking tranni looking street walkers in the ass.
Simon asks Alex if she is planning on playing extra in the background of LuMan’s tranni video, but Alex says she refuses to participate in some bullshit ass video for an old bitch who thinks her shit don’t stink, even though her breath stinks like shit. Especially when her highness tells the ‘little people’ how to behave because while this delusional bitch was at the trailer park preparing to marry a rich old man, she never got the memo that you don’t use the word “class” to describe yourself because only bitches that live in double wides try to say that they are “classey”. This is what Alex’s mama taught her when she used to be a little rich hillbilly girl living in a mansion in Kansas surrounded by maids and servants because Alex’s daddy, who was almost 25 years older than her mama, was an oil tycoon.
So there you have it bitches! Our little awkward Alex comes from old oil money (according to her and I hope this is true!). And if you all dont’ believe her look at Simon’s destroyed liver, that shit must of taken years of drinking plus thousands of dollars to fuck it up, and Alex has his liver in a box in the closet along with the thousands of dollars of fugly ass expensive dresses and Herman Munster shoes, plus not to mention all those horrific man mumu’s and crazy ass, pleader spandex pants and all of the Rocky Horror picture show S&M wardrobe those fuckers wear. That crapola must cost thousands and thousands of trustfund dollars, plus all the times they blew money vacationing in St. Barts. Yep, Alex’s inheritance, that’s where these dipshits were getting all that money to party.
Jill jumps on the chance to get a free memory test because she likes free shit. And the beanie on her head is a “good look” for Jill specially if it was a lobotomy cap, then it would be perfect. She asks Sonja to meet her at the doctor’s appointment because that’s what people do when they are discussing being in some cheesey music video for some desperate bitch that other people feel embarrassed for.
Gonzo, who is the Senior whore of New York, tells Jill that she doesn’t want to be on this music video because all of the sudden, humping and grinding on young twenty-five year old model guys who may also do side work as male escorts that Gonzo could of easily picked up for an evening of hook up and cheap hooch is a bad example for Gonzo’s nine year old daughter who may see mommy doing these horrible nasty things, but all the other times the bitch was having her cottage cheese crusty ass hanging out while she forgot her panties and grinded on whatever men where present was perfectly okay.
Jill is not buying this bullshit story, and like a good used car salesmen she tells Sonja what she wants to do and insists that Sonja wants to do this music video. Gonzo breaks down and says it was Ramonzon who influenced her to not do the video. “BINGO!’
Meanwhile the poor doctor doing Jills memory work is pointing a gun to his head after hearing the trail of drama dribble out of these bitches psychotic mouths.
Ramonzon and her crazy eyes meet the Countless for an evening of confrontation and bitch slapping.
Actually LuAnn meets Ramona for lunch to convince her to be in LuAnn’s crap de la crap video. It was funny how LuAnn was begging this bitch to be in the video trying to use cult mind control techniques that don’t work on hurricane Ramona, and Ramona spits on LuAnn and says that she is not doing this bullshit ass desperation of old casino whore music video because it will set a bad example for her daughter Avery who disapproves of Ramona doing the video.
Ramona continues her spitfire attacks on LuAnn suggesting she is a bad mother who only sees her children on the weekends unlike Ramona who lives in the same house with Avery and spends a lot of time in the same house with Avery although she only sees her for like five minutes a day and this is while she is not sober, so Ramona has no idea what the fuck is going on, but still sees Avery for like five minutes, so that counts as better parenting according to Ramona’s Pinot Grigio injected brain.
LuAss gets pissed that this bitch is here criticizing her awesome Countless parenting skills after all, at least LuAss leaves her children with a hobo unlike Ramona who leaves Avery alone when Ramona is not there. Ramona brings up that she has the perfect family unit and LuAss asks Ramona about Mario and his cheating escapades “And how’s that going, by the way?”. Ramona says that the psychic was wrong and her eighteen- year open marriage is perfect unlike LuAnn’s ex-husband Count Chocula who cheated on that bitch left and right. LuAnn gets butt hurt and walks out because she knows it’s true.
Ramonzon should of just quit blaming Avery for not being allowed to do the music video and told LuAnn straight up she didn’t want to do her crappy video because she can’t stand LuAssHole and end it at that.
Horse ass teeth Cindy also gave LuAnn a lame ass excuse about not wanting to be in her music video because she was spending time with her children. WITH HER CHILDREN? You mean with the little people that she has no clue how to deal with? That she ends up pawning them off on Nannies and complaining that they keep her up all night? But I guess that’s what happens if you have children at the age when you really should be having grandchildren, you have no energy or patience on how to deal with them. For some lame reason LuAss accepted Cindy’s excuse for not doing the video.
Cindy and her horse teeth show up to Sonja’s house for some trailer park toaster oven eggs and juice. I have no idea why Sonja invited Cindy over for breakfast on a work day for work horse. Horse teeth Cindy shows up with all her work supplies which she spreads on Gonzo’s counter where she sets up an office and proceeds to take a business meeting conference call with all the other dipshits she works with to talk about pubes and while on her conference call Cindy shushes Gonzo, who is busy making Horse Teeth her breakfast.
Yep, Horse Teeth told Gonzo to shut the fuck up in her own damn house! I’m surprised Gonzo didn’t clonk that bitch with a frying pan, but then again she did the next best thing when she cursed her out in front of all her business associates who Cindy had on speaker phone (like an idiot) and Gonzo went off on her all ghetto and shit. I can just see the people in the conference call looking at each other in awkwardness while Cindy is getting the verbal bitch smack when Gonzo is dropping some ‘F” bombs in the background telling Cindy how “Fabulous” she is. That’s beautiful!
I wonder why Cindy had those people on speaker phone while she was acting all rude to Gonzo like that. Did she not think she was being ruuude and would piss off that other bitch who may or may not start yelling at her, did she not think that? Who the fuck goes to somebody else’s house to set up a makeshift office and get on a conference morning call while bossing the hostess around like a peon? WHO DOES THAT?
How does this bitch even run a business with these asshole manners? Cindy even pulled her twelve year old assistant out of her pocket and tells Sonja that “she don’t eat” when Sonja tried to pass the assistant some utensils so that Cindy can stuff her mouth. Either Cindy is too ignorant to know how rude she comes off, or she is just plain rude and can’t help stomp on everyone she comes across with her size fourteen hooves because the bitch looks like she has beast size feet!
LuAss is getting her poodle-doo for her music video (that only Jill and Kelly agreed to participate in) and of course her mouthy side kick Jill is there with her, bossing peons around, telling the director how to do his job, telling the hair stylist to redo LuAnn’s poodle hair and just sticking her imaginary expertise in everyone’s business(I think the whole crew was plotting her death).
LuAnn brags that she was inspired by a friend to just go out and do the video and of course because that bitch has to brag that she knows all the people who come from royalty she pulls a name out of her ass and says that it was ‘Princess La oum um um’ (she gets quieter when she says the name because she realizes she is going to get caught in her lie) that told her that inspirational shit. Yeah, sure LuAss you’re just best friends with the whole royal platoon you have a freaking secret members card to that elite club and we all believe you!
The poor bastard video director wants to pull his eyes out with blades because he has to work with these delusional old skanks (but especially Jill) and to shut them up he tells them that everything is ”great”. You can tell the director is embarrassed that he agreed to shoot this lame sorry ass excuse for a music video, but when there’s no work anywhere else and you were offered a bag of alley meth plus a half eaten turkey sandwich you take it, even if you have to work for a crazy bitch that thinks she is the next Madonna at age 52 or 62 or however old she is now.
They shoot parts of the video in the back alley of a casino hotel where all the hookers hang out (perhaps this was LuMan’s old stomping grounds?) and the rest in a limo (not a Hummer because LuMan felt a Hummer was not “classy”). Kelly shows up late to take a shit while running and that’s what she contributed to the video, while Jill contributed by bitching and complaining a diarrhea trail of stupid complaints the whole time she was there.
LuMan thinks her video is awesome and she should be because the director did an excellent job although he was about to jump out of the 17th floor hotel window, the director somehow still manage to capture LuMan’s faded youth, attention whore, desperation wrapped in menopausal delusions of grandeur.
I don’t think the people who worked for LuAnn can put this down on their resume especially the music director. Putting this video down on their resume may cause them to get laughed out of the business. But as long as LuAnn thinks this is the best music video that was ever made and everyone is not laughing at her, but with her, everything is-A-okay. Just keep thinking that LuAss! Just keep thinking that!
Alex and Simon are having some art gallery situation happening at their Vampire Bordello and Ramona drags Gonzo plus Mario who gets the nipple flash from Gonzo when they all arrive at Silex’s house. Mario’s eyes pop out.
Simon is drunk off his ass (again) from the previous seven nights of binge drinking and his ass looks like he hasn’t shaved or taken a bath or changed his holy shirt for a few days now.
Mario then loudly complains about having to drag his spoiled ass to this ghetto Brooklyn neighborhood and the whole room of Brooklyn hood rats look right at him and get offended. Ramona says she is embarrassed, but ya’ all know that this No Mouth-Filter bitch ain’t embarrassed of shit. She is just scared her and Mario will get jumped by the Brooklyn thugs the minute they walk out to the parking lot and she is planning to take off her shoes and run leaving Mario behind to save her own sorry ass and this is exactly what happened later on that night.
Alex, Ramona and Sonja decide to go take a dance class with Ramona’s daughter Avery because the best way to avoid the oil of old lady music video the Countless tried to sucker them into is by doing their best old drunken bitch dance while wearing raggedy ass clothes from the butthole of the 80’s Menopausal hot flash dance closet.












