Teresa continues guilt tripping her brother Psycho Joe into staying to celebrate the Christmases with the Giudice’s, but Joe insists on packing up the little ones and taking off to Kathy and Rick’s house (I don’t know maybe Rick has the good coke over there?). The kids wanted to clearly stay and play with their cousins, but unfortunately the adults can’t play nice so the little ones have to suffer. And when you’re a kid something like playing with your cousins is very important shit and can fuck up your agenda if you miss a play date. 

Grandpa Gorga also lays the guilt trip on Mel and tells her that he came by her house three times recently and no one was home. Mel tells him that’s not her problem and to call her ahead of time next time he wants to be a pain in the ass like that. Grandpa Gorga says he doesn’t use the telephone because he prefers the ”I want to be an annoying old prick method” and dinosaurs it to the her house unannounced whenever he feels like it, without any consideration of the time of day it is because he no longer has any concept of time, and even if he did he doesn’t give a shit if the younger people have things to smoke or people to fuck with. Yeeah, y’a ll believe Melissa’s bullshit story that she wasn’t home? Because y’all know she WAS! She just didn’t open the door! She was probably tip-toeing making sure she did not make any noise because her butch friend Rosie was over trimming her hedges and they were both sneaking around to prevent old man Gorga from hearing them and that concert they were playing.

Little Gia goes cute monkey on her favorite uncle and hangs on him in the hopes he will stay, but sadly that doesn’t work either. Teresa immediately blames her cousin Kathy and goes on and on a long rampage about Kathy being the devil and worse that Hitler for stealing her brother and sister-in-law and using potions in her desserts to control their thoughts, which is why Joe and Mel refuse to stay. Later on Kathy says she’s cool with Mel and Joe staying with Tree so Teresa ends up looking like an asshole ’cause she is, and it wasn’t even Kathy’s decision for Mel and Joe to kick it with her. It was Psycho Joe’s decision he is the one that decided he wants to run out of  Tree’s house  like the bitch has head lice and is going to infect him and his family with it. Teresa also thinks that Kathy is trying to steal her cooking thunder with her potions of course.

Caroline is on her four-day cooking marathon, (did she really just sniffed her armpit?) hasn’t showered or shaved her face for a whole week,  is now sporting a ZZ Top beard and stinks like Bigfoot’s asshole, and if you have a problem with it TOO BAD BITCHES! So NOBODY better complain about having a red beard hair in their mashed potater. Better eat around it! The oldest member of the Manzo clan has a senior moment and stands up to give a speech about respect that gets drowned out by the loud noise of the whole drunken Manzo clan talking and nobody listening. Chris is on his phone, Caroline is picking her ass and Ashley is picking her nose nobody cares and there’s a food fight going on. I don’t see Dina anywhere. Jacqueline is trying to convince her little son CJ that Santa Claus is outside riding his Santa mobile. Chris runs out to make noise with some cheap bells but CJ is not buying it and tells his momma not to bullshit a bullshiter because this shit could of worked with Ashley, but not with him.

Over at the Wikipedia’s house Chankla Face was invited! She was the centerpiece of that party and is naked laying on a platter. She looks good like she gained some weight, leaving Russell must of done wonders not just does she look more healthy her skin looks the smoothes it has in ages. I am very impressed!

Caroline is debating if she should invite Mel and Psycho Joey to her New Years bash at the BrownStoner, but looks like Christopher beat her to it because everyone loves fun Mel and Psycho Joe plus who knows Psycho ass may just wear a tu-tu for this party and give them a free drag show. AWESOME!

The Godmother also decides that she wants to invite Kathy and Richard to the pachanga. Jacqueline gets all worried, but you can’t tell because that bitch is so full of botox she doesn’t even have facial expressions anymore she tells Caroline that Teresa is not going to like the Wikipedias at the party and she may go caveman on their ass. The God Mother tells Jacqueline FUCK TERESA THIS AIN’T HER PARTY!! And Jacqueline backs off and shuts the fuck up, but you still can’t tell if she is mad, sad, scared or what since her face remains frozen. Jacqueline’s husband tells her to stay out of the dramz and Jacqueline is fuming pissed, but again we can’t tell the difference. Meanwhile, in the other part of town Kathy is waiting by the phone chanting into her candles, wearing horns, with a cigar in her mouth doing incantations that the God Mother will invite her to the New Years Bash.

Caroline gives her children their fugly ass bracelets and they all start crying yelling THIS IS IT? THIS IS ALL WE GOT FOR CHRISTMAS?!! WE GOT JIPPED!!! Chris demands his BB gun and Caroline tells him he’s gonna shoot his eye out.

Moving right along we go to Jacqueline’s house where the children are opening box after box of presents. Looks like a fucking warehouse up in that bitch.  We also learn that Assho-ley did NOT buy her parents any presents because you know, she had to buy crap for her new car (that her step-daddy bought her and momma paid for it with numerous blow jobs and teetie-fucks) and so WHATEVER! Poor Assho-ley, didn’t even have the time to maybe slap together a freaking picture or a Christmas card with some paper clips and dried macaroni or cat litter or some shit she found around the house that her parents pay for? (And you know what sucks next episode we all learned she has artistic abilities and she could of at least drawn her mom a dad a picture or a Christmas card what an ungrateful ass!)

Over at Melissa’s they are keeping up with the warehouse theme as well as working on their own future bankruptcy, their kids are surrounded by large boxes of gift after gift. Melissa gets some expensive ass gifts including a Rolex watch and some five hundred dollar stripper stilettos that her daughter helped pick out. Great her kid is learning early. Psycho Joe also reveals he has completed Melissa’s prison dungeon recording studio, where he will keep her ‘locked in”.  After all the gifting, Psycho Joe asks Mel if she can put on her football helmet and gear so he can call her Steve; while he tries on her stilettos and cheer-leading skirt and she answers NOT TONIGHT IS JESUS’ BIRTHDAY!!  Melissa is going to eventually have to give  that horny ape at least a hand job she is going to run out of excuses soon and he did get her all those expensive gifts. Pobrecito he can NOT even get a finger up his corn-hole from Melissa and it’s Christmas.

At Teresa’s house Barney Devito is in a drunken comma and has a big hangover. He refuses to get out of bed to see the girls opening their presents. Teresa tells her daughters that no one is opening up presents until their father gets up and tells them to go wake up their groggy dad whom after some under his breath curse words and some farts rolls out of bed and plops on the couch, all out of it and shit, while holding the camera to film the wall. Don’t worry Barney the Bravo cameras are there they will get the footage. I don’t understand why the fuck she sends those poor girls to wake up their dad with his hangover like that? If she was smart she would put the bong under his nose and his ass would of jumped right out of bed.

Teresa’s children also get ass loads of Christmas gifts including drum-sets and toy cars. I see why Barney Devito is tired he must of gotten up early to swipe those gifts from Psycho Joe’s house while Psycho Joe’s children were distracted having breakfast. Teresa got some gloves and a fugly ass fur coat but NO DIAMONDS! Barney Devito wasn’t thin enough to crawl through the duct vents of the local jewelry store and borrow some diamonds for Tree this year so she got fucked out of diamonds. Sorry Tree!

Over at the Wikipedia’s Kathy bought her husband a wedding band because he keeps losing them down  stripper’s g-strings and then those bitches think it’s a tip, plus he gets hit on more by the strippers when they see he is wearing his wedding band because they want that extra tip. So Kathy decided to get her husband a new wedding band and will be securing it to his finger with some industrial level cement glue.

Because the Wikipedia children want to sneak off to party later, they got their mom a laptop and a cute Christmas speech and their parents got them a  ‘do what I say and not what I did’ contract which will later be broken when they both sneak out to party and cause havoc. Those kids are smart, I bet they get away with more shit than Ass-holey who doesn’t understand the politics of playing your cards right when it comes to taming your parents.

Albert and Caroline are missing their kids during Christmas because they are no longer little and cuddly. Albert is driving and heads towards the same underpass at the freeway, were he proposed to Caroline years ago. This is also the same underpass where  some of Albert’s associates who didn’t shut the fuck up, are now resting and The Godfather is there to make sure the wild dogs didn’t dig anybody up he doesn’t want to see. Then Caroline asks him why they are driving at the same spot he proposed to her at. And Albert thinks to him self  OH SHIT! So he all of the sudden nervously says  to play it off, OH YEAH!! I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU AGAIN BECAUSE THIS TIME I AM DOING IT IN ONE KNEEE NOT LIKE THE CRAPPY LAST TIME WITH NO KNEE AND IT DIDN’T COUNT!

Gia is throwing up her guts,and Teresa yells “ARE YOU IN THE TOILET!” . Barney Devito is sitting there laughing his ass off because I bet this is Gia’s first hangover since she had her first beer with her pops and now she’s a man. After Gia throws up, her mom asks her to pose for a picture with a fresh pukey face.

The Manzo’s attend a concert where Billy Joel and Christy Brinkley’s daughter Alexa is performing and supposedly Albie is dating this girl and Caroline is desperate to arrange a marriage between the two (maybe she should employ Kathy to make her a love potion). The Godmother and Albie want to make sure that Christopher doesn’t embarrass them in front of Alexa with his Mad Cajun voice. The Godmother says that her baby Albie was raised at the same level of snootiness as princes Billy Joel. I didn’t know caterings business bastards make as much as some big time artist. Ok people Caroline just told us that we are all idiots and are in the wrong business. Except for those of you who launder catering. Alexa makes a joke about being older than Albie and Albie answers by calling her an old lady and making an ass of himself. Albie didn’t need any help from Christopher making an ass of himself he seems to be able to do that all on his own. Alexa’s mom Christie avoids that crowd and decides to bail before Caroline calls her over and it becomes awkward. Caroline keeps looking over her shoulder with hopeful puppy dog eyes hoping for Christie Brinkley to come by and say ‘hi’ and sits there dreaming of Alexa becoming her future daughter in-law and it’s never going to happen. Sad.

After Monica Chacon was thrown out of Melissa and Psycho Joe’s house; she stood outside waiting for Kim G, who said ‘goodbye and sucks to be you’ to Monica and made that bitch walk home in her stilettos, in the dark, with no ride. What a great friend she is,  stays at the party her side-bitch just got kicked out from HOW NICE!. Kim felt it was better to stay because someone has to start shit and run her mouth and this is exactly what this hag did. How long is her Bravo audition going to go on for?

Teresa is happy and grateful that Melissa threw that skank out and decides to dance with her sister-in-law and Psycho Joe decides to get sandwiched in between the Nalgas of all his sisters-in-law plus some random transvestite bitches in there, so that he can corral them for the orgy he is having later where he will be wearing his best nightie with his high heel slippers.

Teresa tells Melissa that if they stick together they are unstoppable  (yeah imagine all the fraud and scams they can commit?) and Kim G yells “for now!”. Suddenly Teresa hears this bitches sewer-banshee  screeches  and  realizes Kim G is still in the house  smirking like an asshole licking her shit stirring spoon and mocking Teresa because even though the lawyer skank got booted out Kim didn’t, so Kim makes sure she rubs it in Teresa’s face that she is still there. Teresa asks her bro and sil WTF? They tell her to chill because Kim is just a harmless senior citizen, but Tree knows better and tells them that Kim is  a snake who will start all kinds of mad dog shit, but Psycho Joe and Mel decide to ignore that. Did they not watch the last season? Melissa says Teresa hates Kim G because they’re a lot alike so they are secretly sisters. Really? Are you sure you’re all not triplets from different decades?

And of course this time Teresa was right, Kim G is running a trail of diarrhea spewage about Melissa kicking Monica out to anyone that will listen and it appears Kathy and a circle of women are giving her audience, but all she gets is a bunch of dirty looks and frowns. Not too happy Lauren tells that bitch to quit stirring the witch brew because she is pathetic.  The God Mother is keeping an eye on this lunatic like a watchdog and gets on her bitch slapping mode walks up to Kim Granny-Tell gets in that bitche’s face wagging her finger, to tell that bitch off and put her in her place. The God Mother tells that bitch to have respect for their son’s friendship and Kim G keeps smirking like the bitch she is, until she is told to get the fuck out by Christopher who is trying to stop the two grandma’s from going at it, so he gets in between them. Kim G’s bodyguard (who is like 70, 80?) stands there staring while gnats are flying around his face and Kim G yells SEEK SEEK!! But that doesn’t work on her elderly body guard (whom she picked up at the old-people-home she finds her free dates at) then his ass gets yelled at by The God Father (who is also ready to throw down) and tells him to FUCK OFF!

Chris tries to be cool about the whole deal and decides he is not going to let this shit-storm get more stormy so he talks to Kim Granny-Tell (like an adult which obviously SHE is NOT!) and tries to patch things up by kindly walking her outside. While he is outside chatting with Kim G Teresa and Barney Devito are waiting for the valet to bring their car and end up watching the whole spectacle realizing Kim G is getting kicked out of the party. Tree is glad she isn’t in this mess and tells her hubby she is going to ride his vibrator wearing sausage cock all night long while Kim G plays with her toys. EEEEWWWW!!! Thanks Tree now I need to wash my brain with acid to get rid of that image.

The God Mother freaks out because she doesn’t want her baby Christopher outside trying to reason with the Devil so she sends her “Golden Boy” to fetch him and finish taking out the “Gaw-bage”. Of course she is walking right behind Albie to make sure that old bitch leaves, The God Father is right behind her in case he has to send his thugs out to throw the security guard in the trash whom I’m sure took refuge in hiding under the car by now. Ashley is also right behind HOPING that she will have to go rip some old lady weave, but her mom drags her back in. The God Father calls Kim a “clown” and Ashley responds “just like Danielle!”.

Christopher seems to be handling the situation pretty well when Albie comes fling out like he’s ready to box Kim G and he commands Christopher to come back in. Like a little boy that got grounded and can’t play outside anymore, Christopher comes back inside and when Kim G tries to come back in Albie barks at her, BITCH YOU’RE NOT WELCOME, I’M SECURITY, YOU’RE NOT WELCOME, and Kim G asks him when did you become security? But Albie has a reply for everything and says SINCE LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO BITCH! LEAVE! And surprisingly she left! Teresa yells “ding dong the witch is dead!”.

Melissa thinks it’s strange that the Manzo’s were kicking someone out of her party. If it had been any other people she would of being pissed, BUT since this is the Manzo’s she is going to shut the fuck up and NOT bitch, but instead just tell her boys to take notes and do the same for mama when their ass is grown up. Well yeah! When her son’s are like twenty, she is still gonna be feeding them in the mouth with the apron strings attached, so them barking at bitches that start shit with their mama is expected.

After the fiasco the Manzo’s are all sitting around while Christopher expects a call from Johnny, Kim G’s son. Christopher is pissed off that he was handling the situation well, but his familia had to get all ugly and kick Kim G out and all this shit while he was trying to be respectful to his friend’s mother, despite the fact she is a crazy ass bitch. I feel bad for Christopher! The older Chris  jumps in to give his opinion on Kim G and says that the bitch needs to be smacked and “all bets are off!” IT’S WAR! The phone rings and is Johnny on the other line they talk things out and all is well. I’m sure Kim G’s son knows how crazy his mom is no one has to explain it to him, that’s why he ran far away to college like he did to get away from her. However, that crazy bitch Kim G went to Rumorfix.com where she claims the cameras didn’t get the full drama she says that Albie shoved her and her son and Christopher got into a fight as a result of this shit and she seems to have an air of satisfaction that she ruined their friendship. Is this bitch mentally ill or just plain evil?

When the party is over and everyone leaves Psycho Joe has to show his respect to the God Father by kissing his ring (he better remember to ask him a favor on Lauren’s wedding day) then he thanks him for taking the “Gaw-bage” out of his house.

Melissa says the party was a success, even though they spend 50k on the party it was all for charity and worth it they were able to collect eight used toys amounting to less than ten dollars and some of them weren’t even toys, they were just things people found around the house and wrapped up. There’s going to be a cancer child opening up a can of Cheese Wiz on Christmas day.

Kathy is having her own Christmas party and her mom is there helping her prepare food and in familias Italianas the women go on a  cooking marathon during Christmas eve while they talk shit about everybody and they don’t stop until they’re done. Kathy’s mom tells the story about how a hundred years ago her husband sold his business to her brother and he never finished paying so she didn’t speak to the brother for like another 70 years and one day she ran into him at the fish market and started crying because she was regretful. Sounds like keeping score has been around in this family for decades and now it has just mutated into a big circus that’s getting aired out on national TV. Their entertaining fights and brawls are no longer limited to the neighbors eyes, now the whole country can watch! AWESOME!

Caroline is giving advice on her radio show and people are calling in while she tells them to quit being pussies. Her brother Chris calls totally unexpected and unscripted by Bravo and asks advice on dealing with Assho-ley. And she tells him to put the smack down. No just kidding she tells him something stupid like he is doing a good job or some shit. I heard that right now Assho-ley is living in Texas with her other family because she got tarred, feathered and chased out of town by the Jersey folk.

I didn’t know Caroline’s brother is in town. Uh oh!! Is that Caroline?! Sorry! Caroline is cooking up a storm of her own, including her dad’s special ghetto I’m broke bitch sauce that he came up with when he was home-bound baked off his ass and broke. AHHH the recipes stoners come up with are the best!

Teresa’s daughters are all dolled up in the beautiful flower girl dresses she picked up cheap at the yard sale from My Big Fat Gyspy Wedding. The dress itself weights twice each little girl’s body weight and this weights them down if any of them think of running away. I’m looking at you Audriana!

The Gorga’s show up (Melissa had to drag Joe and bribe him with sex because he didn’t want to be there) and Melissa’s daughter is also sporting her own fifty pound dress. Fake Santa Claus show up and the girls are not fooled since they know it’s their grandma. Kids are so smart these days, with the Internet an’ all.

And speaking of Gypsy weddings and teenage brides Gia got a ring from a boy she doesn’t like, but she will take his rings and gifts. Barney Devito gets the shotgun ready as he and grandpa Gorga plan on negotiating an old fashioned shotgun Catskills wedding with a dowry for little Gia.

Uncle Psycho Joe  comes over to tease Gia and tells  her he is going to beat up her boyfriend and drunken Barney Devito gets all kinds of pissed because he believes Psycho Joe is ruining his evil genius plan of this marriage arraignment he is trying to coordinate in marrying Gia off to a rich family and get out of debt. So he decides to sit at the dinning table and trash talk Psycho Joe by calling him and his family “fucking animals” and calls Melissa “Raccoon face” and a “witch”. Yeah, this is really going to help things along with the Gorga/Giudice family feud.

Teresa and Melissa argue over whose outfit looks more like a two-dollar corner-whore. And Teresa tries to say she is embarrassed for Melissa showing her plastic cleavage (on Jesus’ 89th b-day) but Teresa is showing half butt-cheek. Turd meet the runs. Both of you are dressed like you have the SAME pimp! So shut the fuck up already!

Psycho Joe and Melissa do not stay for dinner, but instead head out to Kathy Wikipedia and her husband’s leaving a pissed off Teresa who had a place set for her brother and family the kids are pissed that they didn’t get to stay and play with their cousins. Poor kids! Right now they are too young to understand the so-called grown-ups immaturity!

 

Jacqueline is getting ready for the holidays and has the whole family over including loud mouth and professional weave pulling daughter Ashley, who  is now berating her mother for meddling into other bitches business (Gorga/Giudice feud). Yeeeaaaah, because Ashley always keeps out of drama!  Plus why is she dressed like a Halloween pumpkin?  I thought these are Christmas decorations they are making, not Halloween costumes.

God Mother Caroline is also getting ready for the Chrismasseses (misspelled on purpose!) and little Caroline (Lauren) is on ‘bitch mode’ because she now feels left out of her brothers click. More on that bitchiness later.

There is a creepy ass Christmas tree that looks like ’someone shot the Grinch’ I didn’t know Joker Face Staub died. But maybe it’s just her fifteen minutes of famewhoring that are dead.

Caroline finds out that ‘creepy’ Santa’s face got eaten by a baby Chupacabra and Albie is happy about that because now he can use mutilated Santa to send a message to the next idiot they’re gonna clip.

Melissa is having some music producers  over to convince them she is the next Beyonce. Melissa starts to sing a song ‘Ala American Idol’ to impress the producers her ‘wretched’ ass gets a thumbs up from the producers (that Psycho Little Joey just wrote a check to).  But she is  still a day late and a dollar short so her ass better become a wedding singer or some shit. Maybe Godfather Al can book her at the Brownstoner for all the weddings, quinceaneras and Bar Mitzvah’s that go on there.

The ‘You’re an asshole’ music starts playing when the producers asks Melissa to put in fifteen hours a day and little Psycho  Joe is not too happy about that shit because he is supportive of her delusional music aspirations, but still wants her to be barefoot and pregnant while holding a microphone. So Psycho Joe decides to make his basement /wine room into Melissa’s studio so he can lock her up. This way Melissa can hold a baby in one hand a microphone in the other and still breast-feed Psycho Joey while he fights baby Gorga for a nipple.

Teresa is wearing her Louboutin $1,000.00 dollars hooker boots to seduce Barney Devito because they are happy that they don’t hate each other and their ass is sitting on the floor since now their house has no furniture because of that little Grinch that stole it. And so they eat their 30 cent Top Ramen and ketchup on the floor. Then, they fart.

Teresa says that this has been a fucked up year. You know with the bankruptcy and all the lawsuits and all. So, this is the reason she goes out and buys thousand dollar boots! She doesn’t even buy furniture to replace the shitty furniture that’s missing! Teresa rather sit on the floor with her nice  thousand dollar boots than have a table to fuck on.

On this episode Teresa addresses the fraud lawsuit her husband Barney Devito Giudice got slammed with. His ex-partner accuses him of forging his signature on some documents and Barney Devito believes it was some Nacho Midget  dressed like Barney Devito that can write like Barney Devito that did it. Teresa believes and supports her husband’s explanation.

Next Kathy and her husband Richie attempt to purchase a funeral parlor restaurant and come across some huge venue that’s way out of their prize range. They are introduced to the person selling the restaurant who takes them on a tour. Richie admits that he doesn’t have the money to buy this huge restaurant and the owner of the restaurant gets pissed off because these low renters are wasting his time so he tells them that if they find someone to lend them money to call him back and he says it all attitudy too!

 

So Kathy and Richie crawl their sorry asses over to the Brownstoner to asks the God Father for some money to invest in their new venture and the God Father’s answer was: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!  No really it was, I’m not making it up this time.

Did ya all notice how pissed off Kathy was when big Al laughs? And she rolls her eyes. Then, the God Father straight up tells them they don’t know what the hell they are getting into and he is not lending them money for some stupid bullshit restaurant that would end up going bankrupt anyways, and if he not  stupid enough to give Christopher money for a Putana-carwash (that never happened, thank God!) then he is not stupid enough to give them money for a restaurant because just like he didn’t want to end up washing cars topples at Christopher’s car wash he doesn’t want to end up washing dishes at these fucktards future failed restaurant.Then, he tells them the hounds are getting released in ten seconds and to get the fuck off his property and quit wasting his time.   Damn no love for them. That sucks!

Psycho Joe Gorga is busy building away his wife’s tacky ‘gold’ studio so she can make ‘golden records’ while she makes Psycho Joe Lasagna. Joe says he will put his wife in a sound booth with mirrors so he can keep an eye on her, and make sure she is not getting out of line.

Lauren and Jacqueline show up to visit the Manzo brothers. Lauren says she hopes her brothers don’t have any bitches over tonight. BECAREFUL GREG! Christopher and Albie are hanging out at their new swanky pad  and of course their house bitch Greg is there also. Greg has now been promoted to little sister because Lauren was demoted to bitchy bitch. Lauren is pissed off about getting replaced by Greg and decides she wants to get into a cat fight with him over her brothers. Then, she starts crying and Jacqueline hugs her, but her brothers and new little sister Greg roll up their eyes at Lauren for being so ridiculous. Albie says he is glad to have Greg as a friend because at least he can’t date Lauren. But he can date him BUA HA HA HA!!!! If Albie came out of the closet,  in that way I would love him forever. But I doubt it, I think I’m getting my hopes up.

Because Lauren has a little bitch crying fit over being replaced by Greg, Albie decides to give her an early Christmas present and hands her a key to the apartment so she can come over anytime. Greg is not happy, what if she opens the door when they are all having ‘naked ham throwing night?.’ HUH?

 Jacqueline visits Kim Granny-Tell because that bitch has a lot of gossip and Kim shows off her new chandelier that she will use to hang from after she does her special Granny Panties Pole Special. However, when Kim tells Jacqueline about the heap of gossip she has on Teresa Jacqueline yells at her to ‘shut the fuck up! BITCH!’

We also find out (according to Kim) that she had a brain tumor and that’s why she’s so crazy. I knew that bitch had a hole in her head!

Kim thinks that Teresa doesn’t like her and that’s why she is always going after her, but Jacqueline explains it’s because her saggy ass is an easy target for clowning, specially when she is trying to polish the pole with her granny panties. TRUE!

At the Manzo boys apartment Lauren can’t find a marker to put her brother’s names on the Christmas stockings so she will use red crushed pepper and Caroline says it’s a ‘very Guido Christmas’.

The green feather Christmas tree is freaking Albie out, and I don’t blame him that shit looks like a dead bird that was dipped in a pool of green Kool Aid and became road kill. Horrible!

Greg tries to be nice and suggest that they all go somewhere including Lauren. Like a  little bitch Lauren snaps at Greg I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY, DON’T INCLUDE ME IN YOUR SHIT BITCH! Then she bitches over something stupid about how the other night her brothers made dinner with Greg and she wasn’t even invited, although Lauren lives almost an hour away and calling her every time they  boil water to make  Cup Of Noodles  would be stupid  just so that she can drive for one hour. The God Mother tells Lauren she’s been an ‘unreasonable’ asshole and should go hang out with Ashley and ‘get a hobby’ practicing how to become a future Real House Skank  instead of worrying over what the heck her brothers are doing all day.

Jacqueline prepares for her party and is worried the tables will fight back because she knows that Psycho Joe also likes to bang on tables and let’s not forget Teresa and her table flipping skills. Jacqueline’s parents want to ad more alcohol to the drinks that will be served that night so that hopefully another brawl will break out.

This episode was filmed at the time Teresa and Barney Devito had to go to court for Barney Devito’s fraud charges. And while in the car when Teresa is berating Barney Devito to ‘keep it classy’, he tells her to shut up like three times. But later she keeps it classy when she goes and tells this woman Monica Chacon (who happens to be her husbands ex-partners lawyer’s wife) to quit talking shit about her or some table flipping is gonna go down. Teresa says she did it to ‘silence the lamb’.  The fuck?

 

 

Teresa and Barney Devito show up and Teresa is clad in her best cave-woman fur. Melissa and Psycho Joe  arrive and Melissa is also wearing her cave-woman Jr. fur coat.

Why did  Bravo have to make me throw up a little bit in my mouth? Notice how when Psycho Joe showed up they cut to Teresa who tells him he looks thin or some shit and she feels his chest? Then they cut to Barney Devito who is looking pissed and jelaous that Teresa is complementing her brother? Then Lauren gives her 2-cents on Melissa and basically just says that Melissa is a younger cuter version of Teresa and that the 2 bitches are fighting over Psycho Joe’s love! WHAT!? WHY!? WHY BRAVO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PUT THESE UNDERTONES OF INCESTS IN THIS BULLSHIT WHY!! I WAS FINE AND THEN YOU HAVE TO PUT THAT SHIT IN MY HEAD AND I HAVE A SICK HEAD TOO! Another blogger made the remark that Psycho Joe and Teresa are Banjo Players together. EEEEWWWW!!!!! I sure in fuck hope they are NOT!!! Click here to read that post.   I hope Lauren never ever ever says any shit like that again. I would never compete for my brothers love with his wife. Please! Last time I saw that punk I was glad he was going home with his wife. No competing there.

While the little shindig is going on at Jacqueline’s everyone has this air of fake forced smiles and you can tell they are all uncomfortable too! The air is very uptight and quiet specially right after Barney Devito and Teresa show up and everyone is looking  at Teresa and Barney Devito like they farted and are embarrassed for them because that’s the day Teresa confronted Monica Chacon in the court hallway and in all her cave-woman glory made an ass of herself by damn near getting into a fist fight with the other woman . When Barney is explaining Teresa’s latest stunt of crazy to the other men  laugh nervously.

Everyone continues pretending they all love each other and that they are all going to have a lot of fun. Melissa and Psycho Joe get introduced to the Manzo’s and Greg. Psycho Joe immediately eyeballs Greg because he is a ‘tall guy!’. As the night progresses and everyone gets drunker Psycho Joe gets dared on a dare to flap his crusty ‘balls’ inside Jacqueline’s hoochie casino hooker outfit.

 The very daring Psycho Joe jumps to the chance of wearing Jacqueline’s outfit to impress and seduce sexy tall Greg and Greg says that this ‘has become a regular Friday night ‘ you know with the ‘drag queen’ Psycho Joe coming out of the closet an all.  Teresa is getting jealous and sees that Melissa and Psycho Joe may have a chance at a threesome with tall sexy gay Greg so she tries to put the moves on him and tries to seduce him to a threesome with her husband Barney Devito who is also eyeballing Greg. But fails. Melissa announces she will be throwing a party and everyone is invited including Greg because her and Psycho Joe like him.  Melissa and Psycho Joe need to both come out of the closet already specially Psycho Joe, that boy’s been dressing like a woman ever since the season started and every time there is an opportunity to dress like a bitch he jumps on it with his high heels on. What a bunch of fun fucktards they are!

Teresa Giudice is once again milking the covers of Intouch Weekly . This time she is crying to them about how she is worried about her husband Barney Devito ending up  in prison for ten years, while she has to be left alone to raise four children and fend for herself against her Psycho ass planet of the apes brother and his wannabe Jo De La Rosa wife Melissa.

Teresa tells Intouch: “I would be very nervous about the kids if Joe were to go to prison,” and, “Daddy is their hero and their king. They go crazy for him.”

Barney Devito also threw his 2-cent in about his bro-in-law and says that fool,“would not do “sh*t” for Tree. And he painfully admits he would understand if Tree divorced his ass if he went to prison for driving with a licence that did not belong to him. Not to mention all that illegal fraud shit he did. Looks like Teresa may have to join Mob Wives because her man is going to be in prison and thats required for that show. No?

Teresa says her sister in law Melissa contacted her via text when all the shit hit the fan to see if she was ok but her bro did not contact her:“When the whole thing happened, his wife [Melissa] texted me,”  she added,  “I was nice to her, saying, “Thanks for text. We’re doing fine.’ But it would have been nice if my brother called. He is my brother — it would have been good of him to reach out to me.”

While Teresa Giudice is worried that her husband will end up going to prison and she will be left alone to raise her four daughters and fend for herself, Barney Devito must be more worried about the safety of his corn-hole and becoming the 11thconcubine to some 300 pound hairy inmate, that selected him while in the shower with 200 other inmates.

Also the lawsuit that the Circe de la Crazy got slapped with last Tuesday, was laughed at by Bravo who stated the very next day that the lawsuit has no merit in other words its bullshit. And that’s because the men who got the shit beat out of them by the Giudice and Manzo men took 25k each shut the fuck up bribe money and their claims that they were in duress don’t mean jack crap. Bravo put out a statement on Wednesday that they are making the complainants take the 25k and agree to shut their pie hole and the agreement, ”will be enforced and these claims are completely without merit.”

Teresa’s lawyer has stated that all this brawl bullshit happened because one of the men hit Teresa and it was all an act of self defense. From People.com:

 “They acted in self defense,” says Jim Kridel, an attorney for Teresa and Joe Giudice, saying that after the champagne incident, words were exchanged – and a member of the rival party physically assaulted Teresa.

 ”Teresa was hit and assaulted,” says Kridel. “She is still in pain over this. This wasn’t something that was minor.” He adds that whatever his client may have said, “mere words are not provocation to hit someone. There’s no justification for that.”

Any resulting physical altercation with the plaintiffs, “was an act of self-defense,” Kridelclaims. “If someone threatens you, you can react with reasonable force. That’s what my clients did.”

Kridel also denies the allegation, in court papers, that the cast members brutally assaulted Arreola and Gomez.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous that they were assaulted without provocation,” he says. “These people are very litigious and they are looking for an opportunity to look into someone else’s pocket.”

I wonder is Bravo will reconsider their choice in talent because I’m sure its all fun and games while Bravo is filming these idiots beat the shit out of each other and get sued, but once Bravo gets dragged in and have to bleed out extra money, at what point does their talent become a liability and no longer an asset?

 

 Here is a happy picture of the Manzo-Giudice clan in Punta Cana, the same place where the Manzo and Giudice’s beat the shit out of the cop that is now suing them. I wonder if this happy-crappy picture was taken before or after the brawl?

Here is a video of the victim who got his ass stomped gangsta style by the Real Househusbands of New Jersey Thugs:

 

Below are some pictures of the alleged victim Adolfo Arreola and his cousin Chris Gomez. The blog Starcasm has a more detailed story over the fuckeries that went down on Vacation Brawl Night 2011. It also appears that even though the attorneys are demanding that Bravo hold on to all the video evidence, Bravo is all weird and quiet about what really happened that they even offered the poor bastards that got beat up 25k each if they shut the fuck up and never talk about this again. WRONG!

From Starcasm:

It was during Arreola’s first day there that he and his family bumped into the Housewivescast at the Hard Rock Hotel bar – Adolfo was dancing with his wife when Teresa Giudice sprayed champagne in his mother-in-law Yolanda Martinez’s face.

“I went over and said ‘Hey what’s happening here?’ and I was surrounded,” Arreola told the Chicago Sun-Times after a press conference with his attorney. “Albie says to me ‘What the F—?’ And they knocked me down, started punching and stomped on my face,” he went on to say.

In another interview Arreola says, “They just started punching me, beating me up. They put me on the floor, they stomped on my face a couple of times. I was trying to cover my face.” His attempts to protect his face resulted in a broken wrist, according to the lawsuit.

Chris Gomez received a broken leg as well as torn ligaments in his knee during the fracas. Both men required surgicery upon returning to the United States and have missed work because of their injures. Their attorneys claims Gomez may be out years waiting for his knee to get well enough to enable him to return to his job as an electrician.

In the alleged victims’ accounts of the attack they say they were swarmed by a number of people during the attack, identifying Joe Giudice, Albert Manzo and Christopher Manzo as three of the attackers. The complete list of people named in the lawsuit are: Teresa Giudice, Guiseppe “Joe” Giudice, Albert Manzo, Christopher Manzo, Gregory Bennett, Jr., Albert Manzo, III, Caroline Manzo and Lauren Manzo in addition to Sirens Media, LLC and Bravo Media, LLC.

Things didn’t necessarily get worse after their run-in with the RHMafia, but they sure didn’t get much better. According to Arreola the Hard Rock Hotel security refused to call police or attempt to summon medical help – a claim that an attorney for the Hard Rock’s operators denies. “It’s our position that the hotel and its personnel acted appropriately at all times. They took the necessary steps to take care of the guests,” said Ricardo Cata.

The nightmare continued as Arreola and Gomez then had their passports seized by local authorities From the Chicago Sun-Times:

And at one point, an attorney for the police ordered him to sign a “release of claims” form involving the television show, Arreola said, recalling the attorney told him it “was for my family’s health and well-being.”

“I took that as a threat,” Arreola said. He responded to the attorney “‘You’re telling me family’s health and well-being is in jeopardy?’ And they said ‘yes.’”

“I was scared for my life. If they told me to chop off my finger, I would have gave them my finger to get out of there,” he said.

Here is a copy of the actual lawsuit.

Somehow this is all Joker Face’s fault!

Thanks to all my readers that send me the original link to this post!

 

Awww it’s all fun and games until someone gets sued. Remember that bullshit brawl  the Manzo and Giudice’s were involved in that happened a little while ago? Back in February? . Supposedly the people they beat up were told to sign some bullshit document saying they couldn’t sue the Real House Skanks Of New Jersey crew.

Well, the angry party came back and now they are pissed off and suing anyways because their lawyer says it doesn’t matter since the injured party were duped under duress while agreeing to not sue. According to msnbc.com the Real House Skank Platoon and their Male Skanks were all shitfaced wasted while partying at Punta Cana in the Dominican republic while filming took place and somehow a big ole’ brawl broke out because one of someone getting sprayed with Champagne.

Now that the lawsuit is taking place the reasons for what started the brawl are more detailed. According to the complainant Adolfo Arreola it was Joe Giudice/Barney Devito who initially sprayed Arreola’s mother in law and then clowned on her when she was wiping the booze from her eyes. So Arreola confronted Barney Devito and all the shit hit the fan when the Manzo boys and their roommate jumped in to help. 

 And supposedly they New Jersey men did cause some serious gangsta- damage when they went all thug  on the other men  including breaking arms and legs causing people blurred vision and all kinds of  Mafia thug damage. And so the victims are suing the Manzo boys Barney Devito and apparently even Bravo! Aaand even the Hard Rock Cafe! Aaand aaand one of the guys they jumped is a Chicago Cop! Awesome!

From msnbc:

Adolfo Arreola, a cop with the University of Illinois at Chicago’s police department, claims that his family was partying at the Hard Rock when the reliably mischevious Giudice sprayed his mother-in-law with champagne, then mocked her as she tried to wipe the alcohol from her eyes.

The suit, filed Monday, states that Arreola confronted Giudice, after which Joe, along with fellow “Housewives” regulars Albert and Christopher Manzo (Caroline’s sons), came to Teresa’s side and then ended up flying off the handle.

The Manzo brothers and their roommate, Gregory Bennett Jr., are all named as defendants, as is Bravo.

Arreola complains that he suffered a broken arm, blurred vision, cuts and bruises after the defendants “savagely beat, kicked, punched, scratched, jumped” on him. He has undergone surgery for his arm and is currently undergoing physical therapy, the suit states.

His cousin, Jason Gomez, also sued, claiming he suffered a broken leg and a torn MCL after he jumped in to help Arreola. Gomez says that he also underwent surgery and had two pins placed in his knee.

Both suits claim that the “Housewives” cast and crew were served too much liquor that night, making them “intoxicated, belligerent and rowdy.”

Arreola told the Chicago Tribune that they had been in Punta Cana to attend a vow-renewal ceremony for an aunt and uncle and the celebratino ended up being canceled after the brawl.

Their attorneys are requesting that Bravo hang onto any video taken of the incident. A network spokeswoman declined to comment on the lawsuits.

There you go, now Barney Devito can ad this disaster to his lawsuit-collection and have fun with that!

The hell with all the other House Skanks, they can all fall off the end of the earth and rot! BECAUSE THE NJ SKANKS ARE BACK!!!! And they didn’t even need Joker Face because there is enough drama in Teresa’s family to make everyone glad they’re not related to any of these savages.

After watching this first episode, I felt like my ass had to go to confession because this was some fucked up shit that I shouldn’t be watching and on top of that enjoying and my ass doesn’t go to confession. As a matter of fact I haven’t been to confession, since that one time they kicked me out of mass because I bursted into flames and they told to never come back to church again. EVER.

We open the episode with Teresa and husband Barney Devito plus their little daughters arriving at a Teresa and Barney’s nephew’s Christening who happens to be Melissa and Joe Gorga’s youngest son. Joe Gorga is Teresa Giudice’s younger brother who also happens to hate her and thinks she is ‘gaw-baige‘. And it all seems to stem from Teresa and Melissa hating and competing on each other.

Meet Melisa Gorga, married to Teresa’s little brother Joe Gorga. Melissa is just like the God Mother Caroline said another Teresa! Spoiled, obnoxious, stuck up, loud, living in a Cathedral made of marble and questionable money with 2.5 kids all complete with the Neanderthal husband with low forehead who looks like he has no problem ‘slapping his bitch down’ if she questions why he came home with lipstick on his pants, reeking of ass and feels cleaning is ‘women’s work’ like he instructed his young impressionable son.

It seems that Bravo keeps finding crazy bitches that are more ridiculous than the last one we clowned on. And so far Melissa Gorga makes Camille Grammer seem like a nice lady. Plus Melissa’s creepy ass, violent scary husband makes Barney Devito look like a nice guy. Bizarro!

Teresa and Barney arrive at the party, which is already in full swing in all it’s tacky Guido glory, crawling with gangs of hairy, loud, drunken-men with open silk, reject-porn-star, shirts and huge gold chains. All the bitches are dressed like casino prostitutes, with twenty-pound hair that can be dangerous and combustible from the gallons of super-hold AquaNet in it.

The decorations include, unnecessarily huge sculptures of crosses, pricey paintings of the baby, and there’s food galore. The alcohol bar is flowing freely through the party resulting in everyone being drunk off their ass. Teresa’s brother appears to have already been drinking for a while that day, plus possibly snorted some coke because the fucker is hostile and ready to fight.

Teresa and Barney appear to be uncomfortable and walking on eggshells when they enter this party and Barney doesn’t want to be there. Teresa asks Barney if his stomach is feeling okay and he answers something with a gibberish mumble.

Joe Gorga is at the popular kids table with Melissa next to him as prom queen. He is surrounded by his posse and he is pounding the hooch non-stop, and loudly preaching some drunken spewage about how his kids are his ‘world’.

Teresa is sitting at another table with Barney Devito and tells him she is going over to say ‘hello’ to her family. You can tell that bitch is nervous and even though she is trying to be nice by saying ‘hello’ to her brother who is by now at his peak of being super lit, he crushes her and disses that bitch in front of everybody and their grandma including his niece little Gia, when his crazy ass flips out on Teresa and calls her ‘garbage’. Barney Devito jumps on his ass, and a big ass brawl breaks out.

We go back to one week earlier. Barney Devito no longer works in the e-jem, ‘construction businesses’. He is now working in a pizza parlor and miraculously him and Teresa can still afford the gaudy seventeen bedroom mansion.

Teresa says during her camera interview that her and Barney Devito just went through a bankruptcy. More like they are still going through it. That’s why they have Barney Devito working twenty seven hours a day and Barney complains about it. But, Teresa thanks God, because her ass doesn’t want to have to move to one of those ‘linoleum floor suites’ above the pizza parlor . So she is ‘pounding the pavement’ and whoring her Skinny Italian book because ‘mama has to bring home the bacon.’

The pizzeria is packed and Teresa seems to be having a book signing there that very night. She is very happy that people are bringing her crosses and all kinds of religious items to help her get through her bankruptcy. And also keep the vampires away. Jacqueline says that while Teresa’s family sucks and they don’t support her she is there to support Teresa and so is Caroline.

Caroline’s son’s Albie and Christopha’ have leased a nice chick-magnet, party-pad, with a great view of the water in Hoboken. Now I am not from the East coast, but my guess is that a nice place like this one costs around 3k. So I bet that mom and pop are footing the bill. Caroline is still having a hard time cutting the cord and when she finds out her youngest son is also moving out she says is a stab in her heart, plus she is bummed that she started out with three children at home and now she has only one left and that one doesn’t even count! Lauren looks pissed.

Speaking of children trying to move out of their parents’ house. We learn that professional weave-puller Ashley has now gotten a job at a PR agency for some crazy, seventy- pound, crack-head looking woman who looks like she has been up all nigh on meth-binges for the past six months with no sleep.

This scary scare-crow is none other than Lizzie Grubman. Who back in July of 2001, drove her Mercedes SUV into a crowd of people outside a nightclub at the Hamptons, after yelling “Fuck you, white trash”. How did this skank avoid going to prison? I don’t know!

Turns out Ashley is a un-paid slave (Lizzie needs every dollar she can get to buy that meth that’s shit costs money!), and free advertising on this trashy show for this lovely lady who more than likely asked Ashley to bring her NJ House Skank mom with the camera crew in-tow. Ashley is obviously overdressed for her unpaid slave job, she is wearing some hooker stilettos and I am surprised she doesn’t fall on her ass.

The most bizarre thing happens when Lizzie starts talking to Jacqueline about how Ashley is doing in her job. The whole thing emulates a teacher talking to the parent about the child’s grades during parent teacher night. Lizzie complains to Jacqueline about how Ashley is lazy and she hardly ever shows up to work.

Ashley comes up with lame excuses about not having bus fair and expecting her mom and dad to pay for that shit. Stupid Ashley gets all pissed and whinny when her mom tells her to grow up and get a job. Then she storms off into another room to cry while Lizzie goes to comfort her. Lizzie continues kissing ass to Ashley to get herself more camera time and makes a comparison of herself and Ashley. She tells her ‘I swear, you’re like are a carbon copy of me… without the, you know violence’. Well I guess I must be stupid because running over people with an SUV must not count as violence.

It’s funny how Ashley blows up at her spineless mom, but when that tweeker bitch initiated the whole thing by telling Jacqueline how lazy Ashley is, she didn’t even blink at her over it.

The whole thing is very awkward. Jacqueline is upset that Ashley ran off to cry and didn’t want to talk like an adult. But not even ten minutes later Jacqueline runs off when Chris is lecturing Ashley and he interrupts Jacqueline so she throws a tantrum also. I wonder were Ashley learned to throw tantrums like that?

Teresa and Jacqueline hang out together and take their children out for a play date at some park. Teresa confides to Jacqueline how her relationship with her younger brother Joe deteriorated after he got married to Melissa. Teresa says that before Melissa came in the picture Teresa and her brother used to be real close and when Joe married Melissa Teresa was hoping her and Melissa would become sisters.

But, Melissa blew her off since she has sisters of her own, who are older than her and are a mixture of Patty and Selma from the Simpsons and the evil stepsisters in Cinderella. Damn those bitches are vicious! They also happen to hate Teresa. Melissa seems to find blame on Teresa for anything stupid including bitching about making a lame excuse to not attend Teresa’s book signing because she wasn’t invited. All these people are petty!

Teresa insist that she had no idea her and Barney Devito were going through bankruptcy until he told her ass she couldn’t shop at Chanel but instead had to shop at the dollar store. ‘Conservative’ Teresa can’t throw the big wasteful parties anymore and with Barney Devito working at the pizzeria for minimum wage it must be hard to afford it.

Next Melissa drives her SUV and brags about her plush life that we all wish we had . She blabs out in a stuck up tone: ‘I tend to be very spoiled, so what?’ . When these bitches brag they curse their own faux-life styles. Real old money doesn’t brag. But these bitches are wanting to rub it in your face every five seconds. That’s why their shit gets foreclosed and bankruptcies exposed. So Melissa doesn’t realize it yet but she just cursed her own shit, by bragging like that on TV. She better get ready for the public bankruptcy and foreclosure circus that will be landing on her house next.

After that brief little introduction we see a gross scene where Melissa calls her husband the other Joe and asks him to lotion up her toes and then he ends up french kissing them. Then he wants to lotion her ass on national TV. Maybe they’re willing to compete with Tamra’s nasty bathtub scene. After that disgusting scene that I dind’t need to see Melissa brags about her domestic bliss.

Five minutes later her husband bitches her out for giving the children baths but not him. He nags her for ignoring him. So much for being a ‘whore in the bedroom’.

Melissa also makes sure we know she is the queen winner of the competition between her and Teresa of the tacky mansions because hers is 15,000 square foot, and way more tackier. Melissa’s husband surprised her with the blue prints of this fan-tacky-lar castle and since he is a very successful developer, in the booming real state economy that for some mysterious reason is only booming for these people in NJ. He was able to spare no expense for this monster mansion.

Melissa praises her husband’s work ‘ethnic’ and we all get to see him using his wonderful work ‘ethnic’ when he yells at the workers transporting the heavy flower planters.

Then Psycho Joe calls his wife his ‘ hero’. But two seconds later in another scene, when Melissa instructs her son to help her clean up, Psycho Joe tells the boy to go play football with him instead, because he doesn’t have to help his mom clean up because ‘that’s for the women’. Lovely.

Melissa just sits there and doesn’t say anything to Psycho Joe about that little cave-man comment. Melissa also has the tendency to constantly thank ‘Jesus’ for this and that. She’s gotta be the Guido version of Alexis Bellino.

Next we get introduced to Kathy who is coming over to Melissa’s for lunch . She is Psycho Joe and Teresa’s cousin. Psycho Joe and Teresa’s father is Kathy’s mother’s brother. And Kathy is also in bad terms with Teresa. Right when they all sit to have lunch the conversation turns to Teresa. Psycho Joe complains and moans about Teresa choosing a new fake TV family called ‘Caroline and Jacqueline’. Kathy says she can’t believe Teresa acts like nothing happened with all that 11 million dollar bankruptcy scandal and she states that if she was Teresa she would be too embarrassed to leave the house. That’s fucked up but true!

Melissa and Joe apparently are very resentful because even when they were invited to the Teresa and Barney Devito events they were supposedly ignored.

We get to see more of Kathy and her life. We learn that she is married to a non-Italian. She has two children one who likes to play with knives in bed. And she likes to go shopping on her beach cruiser while drunk off her ass she also enjoys landing on her face when the groceries tip her bike over.

Of course Kathy does her part in pushing the ‘family first’ campaing against Teresa and she says something so stupid is funny about how families fights and how her and her sister fought the other day and she may of even pulled her sister’s hair and later they made up by having dinner together. Kathy tells it so cute so is not even an issue. The way she explains it makes it so okay for families to get into nasty ass fists fights while the children witness it, but it’s all okay because they are family so being in a domestic violence situation is perfectly acceptable because they are family and Kathy explains it so cute so it’s okay.

And now let’s check in with the Manzo clan who are preparing their version of a Southern meal complete with burned biscuits and chili. Christopher is practicing ‘Cajun’ gibberish. He must love King Of The Hill. The whole Manzo clan is having a good time and they are all pitching in to cook a nice Southern meal. Caroline thinks no one in the world knows how to make pasta. Some people grew up surfing, eating tacos and making pasta tortillas. She’ll be surprised what’s out there. But it’s nice to see they are trying to expand their horizons by cooking non-Italian. Christopher says he wants to be Southern really bad because they are better at everything. The God-Mother demands of her eldest son to watch her baby when they move out.

It’s nice to watch people interact joking and without drama, for a change. But anyways enough of the happy crappy family stuff although it is nice, it gets boring after a minute or two, I wanna see the bitch slapping circus of crazy . If I wanna see happy and non-eventful I will just hang out with my husband, my daughter and my cat on Sunday and cook Lasagna-Enchiladas. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be Mexican-Italian.

So let’s jump right onto the crazy and it all begins at Melissa’s mansion. It’s early morning and Psycho Joe is already drinking.Who knows how many lines of coke he did too while the cameras where not around. Melissa and her evil sisters are also already sipping on champagne before going to the church. Her sisters specially Lysa have that look in their eye like they are hoping and ready for a fight with Teresa.

Meanwhile in the other tacky mansion Teresa is getting ready, her children are running around screaming and crying. Little baby Adrianna tries her luck at running away from home and away from her crazy relatives. She was planning to run as far away as she can all the way to Southern California, lose the NJ accent, and become a surfer girl. She almost succeeds but when she gets to the top of the grand staircase she damn near takes a dive. But the make-up artist Daniel, ruined her plans to run off.

Teresa is bitching and whining that her hair and makeup girl she’s been using forever, is over at none others but Melissa’s house. But isn’t this guy Daniel over here also doing hair, can’t he do her hair? Wait here’s a concept why can’t she do her own damn hair! I don’t understand, maybe Teresa doesn’t know how to use a curling iron or maybe only the other hairstylist that Melissa kidnapped is the only one that can deal with Teresa’s King Kong hair when it’s not combed. I don’t know.

The Gorgas as well as the Giudice’s are always at each other’s throat’s constantly and suspicious of each other even over the most trivial, insignificant things that would be unnoticeable to other people. Barney Devito becomes suspicious immediately that Melissa may be holding the hair and makeup girl hostage, to prevent her from showing up at Teresa’s house on time therefore making Teresa late for the Christening.

Camera switch over to Melissa, who is holding up the hair and makeup girl longer by forcing her to shower her 40 pound curls, in 250 gallons extra of Aqua Net super-hold. Teresa should of just showed up to that party with a lighter and the minute Melissa and her sisters Bertha and Brunhilda started with their shit, she should of just lit those bitches up and they would of gone up in flames like a Roman candle. Little Psycho Joe would of gotten hurt too, sitting in such close proximity to his wife, and with all the barrels of alcohol he consumed that night his ass would of just exploded. Teresa then could of just sat there looking dumb like she always does, acting like she had no idea what just happened.

Gia is going to her gymnastics competition and missing the Christening because if she misses practice she will be kicked out. Barney Devito is walking around scaring everybody with no shirt on. Gia tells him to put a shirt on! YEAH PUT A SHIRT ON QUIT SHOWING OFF FOR THE GYMNASTICS INSTRUCTOR!

Teresa sees this as an opportunity to pimp him out to the gymnastics instructor and yells ‘come on juicy Joe show us your muscles!’. Yep, that bitch is trying to make a buck any way she can. That mansion it’s expensive! At least she is learning ‘work ethnic’. In your face Melissa!

Barney Devito finally puts a shirt on because the gymnastics instructor left. Thank God!

The hair and makeup girl finally shows up and Teresa chews her out for not leaving Melissa’s house earlier. The hair and makeup girl says there was no way she could escape. But surprisingly this one doesn’t tell Teresa all the shit she heard while helping Melissa and the whale sisters get ready. Because ya’ all know damn well she heard a lot of shit!

Barney Devito is walking around in a dirty Walmart shirt and hanging around the garage. He also claims he has the explosive chorro and can’t make it to the Christening. Or so he says. Teresa is starting to feel sick and believes she caught the Hershey Squirt explosives from Barney Devito, and when she gets the runs is no joke. So all these shenanigans were going on and whether real or imagined these difficulties were preventing the Giudices to get to the Christening on time.

Barney Devito decides to stay home with the runs, and asks Teresa to pick him up later to go to the reception. Teresa agrees because she doesn’t want Barney Devito to accidentally shart at the church.

While Alexis I mean Melissa, is driving to the church with her children. She says something so disturbing in so many levels when she asks the baby if he is ‘ready to go to Jesus’ Kingdom.’ That sounds not right in so many ways and twisted on so many levels.

The subject turns to Psycho Joe and Teresa’s dad who is having heart problems. Melissa says that her husband hates Barney Devito for stealing his daddy from him. According to Psycho Joe’s claims, Barney Devito hangs around Psycho Joe’s dad all day and drinks with him, then he puts negative shit in grandpa Gorga’s head about Psycho Joe being a bad son because he is at work all the time. And Psycho Joe is hurt that Barney Devito stole his father from him because he ‘wants his father’. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE FIVE? THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE!

It sounds to me like these people just look for stupid things to nitpick at, and then blow them out of proportion! I’m sure grandpa Gorga knows that Psycho Joe has to work all the time and collect all the insurance money from the local businesses, while his thugs beat up the dead-beats that don’t pay on time. Psycho Joe should just be glad that Barney Devito is there for his dad getting drunk with him and watching Southpark. Let it go!. BUT NO! This goes deeper than this here and it’s all for the wrong petty reasons. On both sides I’m sure.

Melissa is also very pissed that Teresa and her family are not at the church. But, if she would have being there on time, I am sure the brawl would have started at the church in front of God and everybody. So she should be thanking Jesus the brawl took place at ‘The Manor’ and not at the church.

Teresa misses the Christening gets to the church late, walks right to her brother and says ‘congratulations’ then kisses the baby. Melissa continues to gripe about Teresa not being to the church on time and says that she doesn’t know if she showed up before the Christening or after. However, she is on time for the reception.

Melissa says she is not surprised Teresa missed the Christening, but not the reception because “That bitch will never miss a party, especially when someone else is paying.” That’s how Melissa and Psycho Joe knew for sure that Teresa would be at the party because she can’t resist the temptation and allure of a free party and once they trap Teresa at the party they can all corner her wail on her gang bang style Barney Devito too . It’s the perfect plan. Melissa even attacks little Gia for not ditching her gymnastics practice to go to the Christening. All in the name of ‘family first’. This is how this gang rolls.

We get to see a clip of Psycho Joe and Melissa plus all their children enter the reception hall. Psycho Joe advices Melissa to cause ‘no drama’. That is so ironic coming from his ass because of what takes place next.

The party is going on and Melissa is bragging about how she spared ‘no expense’. Once again we get to see all the crosses and lavish tapestry of tackiness that even the cakes have crosses. Looks like money can’t buy you good taste either. At least if a Vampire decides to crash this party they will all be protected.

Oh yeah and both Melissa and Teresa remind us of how they have another competition going over who throws the most lavish parties and who had more guest. Teresa claims over 200 guest at Adrianna’s Christening Quinceanera last season. Which is 50 more than Melissa is claiming. These bitches have to keep obsessive tabs on this type of petty shit. It’s important to them.

Teresa arrives at the reception dragging Barney Devito with her. Meanwhile inside the banquet hall Melissa and her sisters continue their shit-talking campaign on attacking Teresa and Barney. Melissa’s sisters assumptions are right on spot though about how Barney didn’t want to show up and Teresa had to go back and drag him with her. I wonder if Teresa was also confiding this info to the evil sisters or did someone else leaked it?

When the Giudice’s arrive it turns up the tension. Psycho Joe, Melissa and apparently everyone else in that clan have already prepared the wooden cross and nails needed when Teresa and Barney Devito show up because nothing those fucktards can do is right.

Psycho Joe offers Barney Devito a drink, but Barney Devito turns it down due to his stomach issues which he explains. Psycho Joe is of course quick to jump the gun and since everything Barney Devito does in his eyes is the wrong thing, he gets a boner because this gives Psycho Joe another excuse to start a fists fight with Barney Devito in the near future. Psycho Joe is happy to have something this awesome to look forward to; like a normal psychopath in his situation would.

But, for now the shit-storm of crazy is just forming and simmering waiting to boil over. And that won’t take long because Psycho Joe is pounding those shots of hard liquor that are helping him get there quicker.

Kathy and her husband also have issues with Teresa and even little Adrianna doesn’t like to be held by her uncle Rich. Teresa accuses Rich of being nosy and telling her not to spend her husband’s blood cash on national TV. Poor Rich was just trying to be a nice guy and help her, but Teresa didn’t want to listen to him and told him to blow it out his ass instead. And now she is 11 million dollars in bankruptcy debt.

Seventy five percent of the time these people where at this party, partying, all they did was talk about Teresa and Barney Devito.

Kathy’s husband Rich tried to talk Psycho Joe into making up with his sister the best way he knew how and it took a lot of skill and walking around egg shells to not make Psycho Joe blow up. But Psycho Joe was leaning more towards keeping the grudge going and grinding the ax more, so he wasn’t listening to Rich.

Psycho Joe explains during his camera interview how he can’t stand his sister and her drunken husband who doesn’t work, and blah, blah, blah, plus all the same tired spewage that Melissa was bitching about earlier. Psycho Joe also brings up how Teresa doesn’t include him and his wife in events and is competitive with his wife. All this petty shit.

Psycho Joe tries to convince us in his most psychopathic tone, how even though he wishes to bury his sister and her husband alive and put them to sleep with the fishes he cannot ignore the children. We learn that Psycho Joe became God-Father to Gia back when him and Teresa were in good terms. When Gia shows up to say hello to her uncle Psycho Joe, he assures her he loves her and she could never do any wrong in his eyes and he also reminds her that he would never do anything to hurt her.

The Gorga’s and their whole table which includes Melissa’s sister Lysa and her husband also name Joe, (I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH ALL THESE JOE’S) plus Kathy and her husband Rich spend their whole dinner continuing their endless obsession over Teresa and Barney Devito.

These fuckers have been drinking so much, their table looks like the dinning table at a college frat house after a Friday night. Psycho Joe tells Melissa he used to yell at her and beat her ass for not getting along with his family, but now she is allowed to react like a fuck-nut as much as she wants. He is allowing it. When everyone at his table tries to tell Psycho Joe to eat something because he is getting all excited he snaps ‘I’m talking!’. He is a loose cannon with a hair trigger. Plus that coke doesn’t help either.

Psycho Joe keeps rehashing and talking about Teresa and Barney Devito and so his tension build up and he enjoys it. Plus he is getting himself all pumped up, waiting, hoping and praying for a flying fists confrontation with Teresa and Barney Devito. So anything, and I mean ANYTHING either of them says to him can be used against them to start a brawl and unfortunately Teresa makes the mistake of walking over to their table and say ‘ hello’ and ‘congratulations’ to Psycho Joe and Melissa again. Which to a normal person it wouldn’t be an issue.

But since Melissa and Psycho Joe are not normal people, but rather talented people they both are able to somehow use their awesome talents to somehow turn the word “Congratulations” into fighting words.

After Teresa congratulates them Melissa accuses her sister-in-law of not congratulating them earlier at the church. Even though we all saw it and have footage! Psycho Joe sees this as his cue to blow up, and tells Teresa to walk the ‘fuck away you gaw-baige!”.

I bet Psycho Joe and Melissa’s evil sister Lysa, were the ones that snorted most of the cocaine they all did in the bathroom before the reception because that bitch was all happy when it was her turn to jump in and start attacking Teresa, when Teresa questions Psycho Joe’s reasons for inviting her and Barney Devito if he hates them so much. Lysa is lit and her eyes are popping out she jumps in and says with a malicious smile ‘IT WAS A TECHNICALITY!”

Teresa is shocked that Lysa is backstabbing her like this, when she has talked smack about her own sister Melissa when Teresa called her up to complain. And I bet Melissa was listening on the phone when Teresa was complaining and talking shit about her to her sister on the phone. That bitch Melissa and her sisters seem twisted like that. Watch how riled up and foaming at the mouth she is when she is screaming at Teresa ‘ONE SIDE DONT GET IT TWISTED! ONE SIDE!’ She has that vicious smile and her eyes are popping out. Mixing coke with all kinds of alcohol will do that. Same with Psycho Joe he is foaming at the mouth too. He just wants to punch Teresa.

Not even a full twenty minutes has passed and Gia’s loving uncle who promised Gia to never hurt her is foaming at the mouth pounding at the table about to flip it over, (it must run in that family) and calling her mother ‘gaw-baige!’ Totally scaring the fuck out of poor Gia who is crying and horrified trying to pull her mom away from her coked out drunken Psycho uncle Joe. I bet this little girl is gonna be telling a psychiatrist this in the near future.

Psycho Joe is going off on Teresa who surprisingly walks away while he is yelling and losing his shit over nothing. Barney Devito has been standing there the whole time witnessing his brother-in-law calling his wife ‘gaw-baige!’, so he deals with it the best way he knows how by running towards Psycho Joe yelling ‘ You’se sons of bitches!’ ready to tear Psycho Joe’s head off.

Barney Devito and Joe get pulled away from each other by the crowd of men and they don’t get to fight each other. But the brawl continues and by now coked out Psycho Joe is more pissed off and craving for a fist fight that even when his own wife Melissa is in the line of fire he just knocks her out of the way, with no concern, just like a true gangsta. And the bitch doesn’t act surprised because this must be a normal reaction from her husband in her household and also in social events.

The camera men gets knocked to the ground and you can hear Psycho Joe yelling ‘ I’ll fucking kill every one of yous!” and Melissa is yelling GET THE GUN GET THE GUN! Damn if that don’t remind me like some Quinceaneras in my old neighborhood same shit happened there. Suddenly and for no reason everyone jumps on some guy in a blue shirt who is getting beat up and you can see Melissa yelling and going chola all fighting and kicking all crazy and shit. Surprisingly Melissa doesn’t disclose whose ass they were all gang jumping on. So, I believe there is more to this little piece of footage that we will find out about later.

And it gets even better. Grandpa Gorga ends up damn near collapsing from the excitement that these orangutans caused and Psycho Joe gives the performance of his lifetime when he puts on his tiara and gown and cries to his papa about how he is jealous his dad hangs around Barney Devito all day.

For a minute everyone hated Teresa’s wild outburst and ignorant comments. Except for maybe me because I enjoyed how she chased after Joker Face like a mad cave-woman during hunting season, but then again I’m a sick puppy.

However, after seeing her drunken-ass, psycho, drama-queen, brother, waive his arms around and pound on the table like an ape with rabies, people are starting to understand why that bitch is so crazy. I even felt sorry for her and Barney Devito because the Gorgas topped them in the ghetto department and I enjoyed every sick second of it, of course. Except the part with kids crying that wasn’t cool. The whole thing was like a bad acid trip going insane. I’m surprised nobody got shot and the cops didn’t show up.