We start this episode with the continuation of Ashley Holmes getting kicked out of her mom and stepdad’s house in New Jersey and into the fun non-stop partying Sin-City of Vegas. Albie Manzo is sent to babysit drive Ashley and make sure she gets on that plane. Yeah, that went real well.

Now lets visit the Giudice’s at their empty money laundering front Pizzeria that apparently is shut down now. Supposedly since Barney Devito couldn’t drive himself to work and get ‘those lunches out on time’ he had to go out of business. But, don’t worry Barney Devito is crafty and has a new scheme up his sleeve, he is going to light a match and burn down the gas station across the street owned by one Richie Wikipedia, and turn that shit into an old folks social security/ medicare scam of some sort.  But, Richie Wikipedia doesn’t know his ass is getting ‘evicted’ from his gas station yet.  But, he will and this is because paybacks are a bitch. More on that later.

Since we are in the subjects of shit shutting down let’s visit with Lauren Manzo aka Godmother Caroline Manzo Jr. Remember that cosmetics front store she opened last season when she had Ashley draw her  T-shirts with crayons then she bitched her out and whatnot? Well apparently the next day, yes you heard that correct THE NEXT DAY Lauren closed shop. Lauren had some hissy fit over people not kissing her ass enough or some shit. So, she didn’t even have that store opened for a punk ass 10 minutes when she decided to fold up and go home to cry to mommy who fed her a buffet of  1/16^th Italian fried meatballs until Lauren gained more weight so this way Godmother Manzo can have a story line and tell the world how fat her daughter is.  Since when do you open a store and not even give it a chance? She closed shop the next day?  Now I know why Lauren is always crapping on Ashley, she is hoping that pointing the finger at Ashley’s non-stop, conga-line of partying will make people not notice her failing attempts at having a business. Lauren has no room to talk about what a loser Ashley is. But, since Godmother Manzo couldn’t get Lauren on ‘The biggest Loser’ since that’s the show she should go on; she takes her to some hippie doctors that’s going to put Lauren on some Anorexia diet hoping that if she loses some weight her cosmetics store will be more successful and people will kiss Lauren’s skinny size four ass. Size four? Now you’re pushing it bitch!

And since those fried 1/16^th Italian meatballs get around they are making an appearance at Jacqueline’s get-together where fried meatballs are the main dish.  The Giudice’s are also making an appearance so they can get bashed by everybody some more work things out.

Ashley purposely misses her flight.  It appears that Albie was unable to carry on this mission and strap ‘Ke$ha’  on that one-way plane to Vegas.  Ashley walks in and says hi to everyone like it’s no big deal she had missed her flight because she couldn’t find any straw-NyQuil to suck on and powdered donuts to snort on. Chris decides to take Ashley to the airport himself first thing in the morning. But, not until he tells Ashley she has no commonsense and her little brother CJ who knows how to operate the vacuum better than Ashley because he can follow directions would of NOT  missed the flight.

When Teresa shows up everyone purposely ignores her while she is trying to speak, they seem tired of hearing her. Finally she makes herself loud enough and brings up that she is apologizing AGAIN over the so called jokes she spewed out in her books. Tree asks her brother Midget Psycho Joey if he read her first book, and Psycho Joey gets all pissed off this bitch  even asked him if he read her book or not, since EVERYBODY KNOWS Joey doesn’t know how to read and now Teresa’s constant questioning and unrequested advice to read her book is making everyone in the room uncomfortable. AAAWKWAAARD!

Melissa changes the convo and tells Tree they will take one in the ass for the team so she can make a buck or some shit. Truth be told they all take one in the ass when they’re in a reality show in order to make a buck.

Meanwhile in the basement where I guess the cameras where not allowed, a fists fight occurred between Barney Devito and Richie Wikipedia, over who is the shortest Joe. Barney Devito or Midget Joey. Since Barney Devito has little dick syndrome he got all pissed off at Richie Wikipedia and went to grab his balls, Richie turned around and hit him in the head with some sort of candlestick holder and this gave Barney Devito a black eye and bloody nose, this is the reason he is out for vengeance against Richie Wikipedia and will burn down his gas station to open up an old folks swingers home. Old people need to get laid too. And can you believe none of this bullshit got caught on camera!

Later on Barney Devito is at home drinking the pain of his lost fight away and has the guys over for some fun gossipy time. While Barney Devito was pouring wine, his children where running amuck and one of them I think it was Milania (I’m writing this from memory) punches Albie in the nuts. While Barney Devito cooks the food his daughter Milania tells him he is not a cooker he is a hooker. Maybe that’s why he was trying to grab Richie’s balls?

When the other men bring up Barney Devito’s drivers license ordeal he brings up his brother-in-law Psycho Midget Joey’s inability to pay his bills on time. The other men are friends with Midget Joey so the whole combo was  AWKWARD! During a talking heads interview, Chris Laurita says that he lost respect for Barney Devito for being a 40 year old loser who uses other people’s birth certificate to get a drivers license. Can’t believe Bravo is trying to make the men be gossipy Sunday-bitches also.

Back at the Wikipedia home we find out that young Master Wikipedia has a young girl send him naked pictures of herself. His dad Richie Wikipedia is all sorts of proud of his son who is now ‘ a full grown man’ and can look at naked bitches.  His momma Kathy however, is disgusted that a young lady would be such a floozy and send her son those porn shots. While all this shit was going on Richie was busy eyeballing that young ho’ s pictures because he is going to save those pics for his son later so he can get his mack on.

Later on Melissa is trying to sing a ballad in her homegrown music studio and her producer tells her to sing like she means it. Even though this bitch tries, it still doesn’t work until the producer auto tunes the shit out of that song and suddenly Melissa is an award winning ballad songstress. Maybe Gretchen Rossi should of hired this auto tune master for her Pussycats Doll Disaster.

And finally Melissa makes a romantic dinner for her and Midget Psycho Joey who has to shout across the 10 foot long dinner table and thinks Melissa is preggers again; until she tells him she is just presenting him her new song and he decides to get that bitch drunk so he can knock her up with a little Gorga baby. AGAIN!

Teresa Giudice’s husband, Barney Devito was indicted yesterday for that little incident he had back in  2010, when he was using his brothers drivers licence and got caught.

Also another exciting report has surfaced about Jacqueline Laurita being a stripper. A little while ago there was some gossip that spilled that she was a stripper in Vegas, of course she denied these claims. According to In Touch she worked at some gutter-skank, rat-hole from 1992 to 1993 and was in violent relationships with her then boyfriend who I suspects must be Ashley’s dad:

In Touchcan now exclusively reveal the details of the shocking past that she’d prefer to keep a secret. “She was a stripper at a Las Vegas club called the Glitter Gulch,” reports a former friend who was very close to Jacqueline. “She worked there from 1992 to 1993. Like all strip clubs, it was an awful place.”

And another former pal from back in the day reports that she spent several years in a volatile romance – the low point seems to have been her 1996 arrest for battery of her then-boyfriend, who was also arrested on the same charge. “She slapped him in the face and punched him in the groin,” the police report states.

 I wonder if Jacqueline will have her lawyer call In Touch Magazine a “skank.”

Thanks to my readers Lizzie and Nikki  for sending me the links to this juicy gossip!

Jacqueline Laurita and her husband Chris are following the typical tradition of a Real Faux Housewife when it comes to funding their faux-lavish lifestyle. According to Radaronline, the Laurita’s are finding themselves in a similar fraud lawsuit situation like the one her ex-friend Kettle-Teresa Giudice and her husband Barney Devito are involved in.

Christopher and his brother Joseph Laurita founded a company named Signature Apparel back in 2005 and they made tons of money. Between 2005 and 2009 it was reported they made more than 250 million dollars. But when the economy tanked in 2009 and  the Laurita’s where used to their lavish lifestyle (plus their other ventures where not doing well) they started pocketing money so  instead of paying their vendors money went to fund that champagne and diamonds  lifestyle they were used to.

“Signature’s assets were misused to make outright and unjustified payments to Laurita family members, and to fund the operations of the Laurita brothers’ other companies and business ventures.”

“The Laurita brothers soon drained the Company of all of its funds and assets in order to support their families’ increasingly opulent lifestyle of private jets, limousines, extravagant parties, premium automobiles, designer clothing, ostentatious home furnishings and lavish vacations,” the complaint that was filed on November 2, 2010, reads.

 Radaronline posted a list of the misuse of the funds:

Nearly $2 million in credit card payments for the Laurity Family, including payments to more than 40 bank accounts.
* At least $331,637 for payments on no less than eleven leased cars, including a Bentley and a Maserati.
* At least $284,793 in airline travel expenses for the Laurita Family.
* At least $145,894 for private airplane rentals for the Laurita Family.
* At least $7,280 for travel agent expenses for the Laurita Family.
* At least $755,184 to defendant Christopher Laurita for undocumented or insufficiently documented reasons.
* At least $784,160 of disbursements directed by the Laurita Director Defendants (Chris and Joseph) to unknown recipients, without any documentation whatsoever.

Jacqueline is being named in the lawsuit because according to Radaronline she knew about the shenanigans and was in on them:

“Jacqueline and Anthony Laurita each knew of the Lauria Director Defendant’s wrongful conduct, and each substantially assisted the Laurita Director Defendants in breaching their fiduciary duties by, among other conduct, accepting funds they each knew belonged to Signature and for which they each knew they had performed no services and/or provided no value,” the claim continued.

“Funds that should have been used to grow Signature’s business and to pay Signature’s vendors and creditors, instead were diverted to the Laurita Family Defendants.”

Of course Chris Laurita is challenging the charges and Jacqueline is denying any knowledge of these schemes:

On March 14, 2011 Jacqueline and her husband Chris filed an amended answer to the complaint, wherein Jacqueline states she “lacks knowledge or information sufficient to form a belief as to the truth of the allegations of the First Amended Complaint.”

Jacqueline’s husband denied nearly all of the 155 allegations made in the claim and states that the complaint should be dismissed “because of a failure to state facts sufficient to constitute a cause of action and a failure to state a claim upon which relief may be granted.”

After rumors hit the web regarding Jacqueline Laurita’s stripper past in Vegas she came back swinging and insist this is a bunch of fabricated bullshit. In fact, even Jacqueline’s father tweeted yesterday that this is nonsense. He states she was working in a convention job because his friend Steve Shirippa from the Soprano’s recommended her for it:

jgrippeJerry Grippe

Very upset about In Touch article. My friend, Steve Shirippa,(Sopranos) recommended Jacq for a convention job in Chicago w/ Versace Sport.

Jacqueline went on to post a long PDF file that states a play by play of how she met husband Chris Laurita:

“HOW I MET CHRIS”
For those of you who have been asking about how Chris and I met, I will tell you the story. Chris and I met the summer of 1996 when Ashley was only five years old. At the time, I rented a chair in a salon doing hair as a licensed cosmetologist in Las Vegas, Nevada where I had moved with my ex-husband and my parents in 1990.

I also would work my salon schedule and appointments around certain weeks when I was modeling at conventions that frequently came to our town. It was good money that I needed and I enjoyed doing it. I don’t really like to call it modeling because it wasn’t as glamorous as print work and runway, but I had fun doing it anyway.

I modeled clothes, shoes, accessories, electronics, computer programs, just what ever came to town. I never took jobs out of town because I had to take care of a small child. One day my Dad, who was senior vice president of operations at the Riviera Hotel and Casino, told me that a coworker of his knew a guy that needed a model to work in his booth at a trade show in Chicago. It was for the the NSGA (National Sporting Goods) trade show or something like that. I could never afford a vacation, so a trip to Chicago sounded like a pretty good deal to me and came at a time when I really felt like I needed to get away. My Dad’s coworker was a guy named Steve Shiripa.
You may know him by his character on The Sopranos. Steve is actually the guy that introduced me to a friend who hired me to do that job in Chicago. Meanwhile, Chris was a jobber in the wholesale apparel business and was building a new company. He was returning from vacation when he and his brothers decided last minute to go to the convention in Chicago. Chris was living in New Jersey at the time. Fate and destiny at work. Chris and his brothers happened to come by our booth and his brother just happened to know one of the girls I was working with through her sister. Small world. Chris and I were introduced. I thought nothing of it, besides the fact that he was a handsome guy with pretty blue eyes and dimples who was very quiet and seemed shy, but sexy at the same time.

Chris and his brothers came back around later that day and invited us to a dinner they were having. I originally said no because I didn’t know them well enough, but the girl I was working with kept insisting that she knew them to be good guys. She told me that Chris wasn’t going to go unless I went. I found that strange and hard to believe because Chris and I hadn’t spoken much, but I was intrigued at the same time. I finally agreed to go to the dinner but only if we met them there. Chris and I sat across from each other and basically tuned everyone else
out all night while we talked and laughed. We had an instant connection. I had a great time with him.

When I left, we exchanged numbers to keep in touch, never thinking it could go anywhere because of the distance between us. From that day on it was nonstop visiting and ridiculously long and frequent phone calls in which we really got to know each other and became the best of friends and fell in love. That went on for about five years. There was a year break between us after three years. I really had no desire to move to New Jersey at the time and pull Ashley away from my family and friends and he couldn’t make the move to Nevada. We couldn’t move forward. I was so in love with him and I wasn’t dating other people, but I was scared to make the move. After our year apart, our failed attempts to get each other out of our minds and attempts of being with other people, we both realized we were just meant to be together and it wasn’t worth fighting it anymore. We had missed being in each other’s lives so much. We knew we loved each other but I just didn’t know where he would fit in and where it could go.

We reconnected and then a year later he came to me and proposed to me right in front of Ashley. I had to make a decision right then and there. HELL YES! I decided to go for it. I knew if I didn’t that I might regret it the rest of me life. I knew that I loved Chris, he made me laugh, we both enjoyed a lot of the same interests, we had the same family values, and wanted similar things for our future. I felt safe with him and knew that he would always take care of me and Ashley, and he’d treat her like his own daughter. It was the best decision I ever made! We’ve been together since and we’re still going strong. I still see my Nevada friends and family often. It all worked out.(While dating Chris I also went on to work for Lancome and worked on-call for swing and graveyard shifts as a cocktail waitress for a local hotel and casino called Samstown. I also freelanced as a makeup artist, just in case you were wondering.) That’s the end of my long ass story and the beginning of a new one that you’re more familiar with … my life in New Jersey.

Jax also posted on Twitter a very blurry, grainy picture (that looks more like something on Paranormal Activity)  of her in front of the booth she worked at the day she met Chris.

She also posted this restaurant card from the day they met:

And this copy of an airplane roundtrip  Chicago/Vegas ticket, there is also business cards with her name that don’t say Professional Prostitution Whore (she left that one out!):

According to US Weekly Jacqueline  “will never speak to Teresa again,” and Caroline Manzo “hasn’t spoken to Teresa in months,” because “Every time they get together to film, everyone’s fighting with Teresa.” Melissa added that “Caroline is upset over the charade.” and  that “Teresa and Melissa still communicate for family stuff, but things are strained,”

So what do you bitches think is she lying to cover her ass? Ooor did Joker Face and Teresa cooked this one up in their bullshit cauldron?

Yes I am getting in the Halloween spirit. I honestly don’t care if Jax used to be a stripper or not, and I know one way or the other the truth always comes out in the end anyway. The one thing I was mostly curios about was where did she live before Vegas? I send her a tweet asking her, but I doubt she will answer a smart ass blogger who clowns on her.

By TwitterButtons.com

Rumors about Jacqueline Laurita being a former Las Vegas stripper have been swirling around for quite some time now. Although this information has not been confirmed before; In Touch Weekly is stating that according to a “source” (Teresa?) Jacqueline was indeed a stripper in Vegas and that while she was shaking her ass for dollar bills, she met her future husband Christopher Laurita who swept her and Ashley away into the posh life of the New Jersey suburbs and turn the ho’ into a real housewife.

The so called source (and we all know who the source is right bitches?) told the mag that Jacqueline has admitted to her close friends she used to strip for cash. “She has confirmed her stripper past to multiple friends who are covering up for her,” and supposedly she is desperately asking people to keep a lid on it. “She is telling everyone to deny it!”

And of course the cliche reason for her exotic dancer job was because. “At the time, she was a single mom who needed to dance at a club in order to pay her bills,”

Teresa I mean, the “source”  also revealed that the real reason Jacqueline chickened out of the reunion was because she was scared of Joker Face showing up to help air Jacqueline’s dirty chones. “She feared that Danielle Staub would make a surprise appearance and tell all about Jacqueline’s stripping past,” and added . “She didn’t want to face the truth!”

And apparently Joker Face has  claimed Jacqueline confided in her that she used to polish the pole. When someone tweeted Joker Face a question regarding Jacqueline’s past. ‘Would u mind responding to the rumors that [Jacqueline was] an exotic dancer years ago in LV?’ Danielle tweeted back, “She was and then some.” “And then some?” Is this mean there is more? Perhaps prostitution whoring also?

Jacqueline is also apparently paranoid that her husband’s financial problems will also be aired out. According to the “source” (cough, Tree, cough!) Chris Laurita’s company Signature Apparel Group is in the hole for 25 million dollars and back in 2009 the company filed bankruptcy.

This makes sense, since days before the reunion Joker Face stated she was contacted to be on the show one more time and it also makes me question why whenever Jacqueline fights with her daughter Ashley, she always backs down and Ashley acts like she has the upper hand and her mother is below her because she knows something Jacqueline doesn’t want her to blurt out in the middle of a fight. I am surprised when they had their big intervention fight at the restaurant Ashley didn’t say  “At least I am 20 and don’t have a kid or am a stripper!”

Also in the same magazine Teresa’s husband’s philandering was mentioned. Apparently Barney Devito was in Atlantic City with an unidentified blonde. The witness reports: “He was drinking at the Waterfront Tower with four women [one of which was the blonde],”the source also states that Barney Devito was trying to keep a low profile. “At 2 a.m., I saw Joe leave a hotel room carrying his duffel bag. He looked like he didn’t want to be noticed.” Barney Devito denies this and tries to make it sound like gangs of bitches are just throwing their panties at him Another so called witness tried to cover up for Barney Devito, “about 30 women approached Joe that night, and he never went to a hotel room.”

To top it off supposedly Davana Medina the other woman that was caught having dinner with Barney Devito was dumped by her boyfriend when all this shit came out!

Since everyone hates Teresa it is really kinda hard to guess which one of the bitches leaked this out, but I am going with Kim Granny-Tell as the winner.

Thanks to my readers for the heads up on this juicy gossip.

While Teresa gets her family ready for the Gorga/Giudice family portrait she tells her husband Barney Devito she believes the family feud is coming to an end, but Barney Devito doesn’t believe that, which is why he doesn’t stop Milania from beating the crap out of the baby Audriana since in a few years they will both be bitch slapping each other and throwing tables at family weddings, gatherings and their future children Christenings  so why not allow them to train on their furniture throwing and weave pulling skills while they are young. This way they can continue the Gorga/Giudice family tradition of keeping petty scores and fighting over bullshit, they been doing it since before they all joined this TV show wreckage wasn’t the old people fighting too Kathy’s mom and Tree’s dad? Or some shit like that? So there you go. It’s a family tradition they just don’t know it yet.

Next we have a boring segment of Ashley getting a pep-talk from uncle Jaime who is the gen-X version of the black sheep of the Manzo clan. It appears he passed the back sheep torch to Ashley a few years back and now he is in town to talk to Ashley about how to remain being a successful black sheep of the family and make your own money because California condos and “swallow’ tattoos cost money unless you are willing to swallow in exchange.

The Godmother gives some generic advice on her radio show to callers that are getting laughed at by her lovely children the Manzo kids. Ooh, the fun bonding activities they share!

At the Wikipedia’s young Miss Victoria is going to some kind of school prom and being properly courted by a well-dressed frightened young man who is being warned by old man Wikipedia that he will suffer from cracked nuts if young Miss Victoria comes back de-virginized. Later when it’s time to go young Miss Victoria comes down the steps with her pretty dress and Papa Ritchie thinks she forgot to put her jeans underneath.

Its family portrait day and grandpa Gorga stumbles in to the house, bitching and complaining that he can’t see shit because he just came back from the doctors who put eye-drops in his eyes just in case another fun night of table flipping and yelling (like the Christening from hell) occurs this way he doesn’t have to see it. Psycho midget Joey wants to drink with grandpa Gorga, but this makes little Gia nervous because she knows once the adults start drinking the punches start flying and she’s seen this one too many times in her young life so she tries to stop them, to no avail.

Later grandpa Gorga farts during the family photo-shoot and the photographer tells him to stop farting. But it’s too late the green toxic fart cloud is already hanging over the family picture that already got taken it represents the Gorga/Giudice feud and the fart that bonds them together.

And now the gossip/recipe cookbook Fabulicious. At Caroline’s Lauren has a surprise surprise for Caroline. (She wasn’t surprised she seen this earlier) and it’s a copy of Teresa’s latest cookbook. Lauren tells her mother Caroline what asshole Tree wrote about her in the cookbook calling her “Italian as the Olive Garden” ragging on the way Caroline prepares her fried meatballs and saying Caroline is only 1/16th Italian. So Caroline acts like she is pissed (she is still pissed from earlier when she originally read the book, but now the cameras are here so she gets worked up again) and Gregg yells “AWWW HELL NOOO!!!”

As Lauren continues to read the list of insults that Teresa printed in her cookbook mama Manzo gets more and more pissed-off specially when she is reminded that Teresa insulted her baby Christopher for wanting to open up a stripper/car-wash and Teresa says she wouldn’t want her daughters working there. That’s true I guess she wouldn’t want Gia to be the main attraction over at Bada Bing’s Car Wash Boobs and Lube, while poor Milania has to work as security. Not fair why can’t they both be the main attraction? Just kidding they are good girls, they are going to be pimping those bitches instead not being one of them , which is much better.

Caroline then says that her friend-shit with Teresa is over. The other Manzo children start  howling  a war-bark at the moon, and Lauren finishes it with “Hang around shit long enough you start to stink.”

At Kathy’s her husband Ritchie throws away the book when they also discovered Teresa called him an annoying asshole and at Melissa’s she complains to her older sister that Tree called her a copycat and she says she will hide this book from Psycho Joey and since his punk ass don’t know how to read he is not going to find out what Tree wrote about Mel. That is until the episode airs and he sees for himself.

Jacqueline shows up at Tree’s to confront her about the book, but chickens out later when she notices that Gia is on her mama’s side when it comes to Tio Joe and how “Melissa controls him.”

The episode continues with the ending of the Teresa and Kathy fight in Punta Cana. Barney Devito grabs a net and puts it around his wife’s neck to haul her away because he knows damn well she is a “hot-headed” asshole and likes to start all kinds of shit over nothing. After that, Barney Devito  has a talk with Ritchie while they both primp themselves in the bathroom and Barney Devito  being the enlightened man that he is, tells Ritchie that he is not defending Teresa because women are “are fucking retarded” anyway. Yeah, just wait until ALL his daughters are grown and still living in the house with him and Tree and he says that comment while ALL of them are on their periods at the same time (including Teresa unless she is on menopause) I can just see Milania when she gets promoted from brat to bitch, SHUT YOUR TRAP YOU OLD TROLL GIVE ME PIZZA  I’M ON MY PERIOD!!

Jacqueline and Chris decide to walk off to talk shit about what a wackadoo Teresa is. Chris gets tired and decides to suddenly jump on Jacqueline’s back for a piggy back ride back to the hotel while kicking her on the sides and grabbing her boobs yelling “YAH!! YAH!!”

While this is going on the Rat Pack, Albie, Christopher and Gregg decide they are going to spy on Barney Devito and Teresa doing it while they are both in the bathroom. EEEWWWW!!!  Instead, they end up outside the bathroom window where Teresa is now changing into a mood changing “Wonder Woman, crazy bitch” I’M IGNORING KATHY outfit created by NASA. While the Three Stooges are trying to fish out gossip (for the gossip magazines later,) Barney Devito walks in on them and instead of busting them he thinks they are spying on Tree ”pooping” and he doesn’t care. As a matter of fact he opens the window for them so they can get a whiff too!

That night they all go out to get drunk and into a fist-punching, kick stomping bar brawl, surprisingly with other people NOT with each other. Except Bravo never airs the bar brawl only the earlier part of the evening when the Giudice/Gorga’s were a lovey-dovey-family. Teresa and her brother hug and kiss, Barney Devito and Melissa hug and kiss. Barney and Psycho Midget Joey hug and kiss then, they play swords with each other, to see who is the shortest troll with the smallest itty bitty penis and it’s a tie. It’s all one big dysfunctional happy family-orgy full of hugs kisses and farts. To be honest with you I would rather see this interaction than when they’re drunken bitch slapping each other and of course we all know this didn’t last.

The next day Melissa and Psycho Joe Gorga release some “poison” in the bathroom and the Manzo boys, but specially Man-Servant-Sexy-Gregg feel lucky to walk in on it since Psycho Midget Joey had his little ”Tarzan” “On Display.”

The girls including Miss Gregg all decide to follow Teresa’s lead and go to the market in Punta Cana. They all get dressed up and decked out in their tackiest high heels from head to toe. These bitches think they are all going to the upscale Gucci and  Louis Vuitton stores  they are all accustomed to. So, when they show up cameras in-tow in all their pampered Princess tacky glory at the open air market the locals where confused  and excited. They didn’t know if these bitches where upscale hookers from the USA taking over their little dirty humble, parasite, farm animal carcass infested open air third world market. But they were close. VERY CLOSE! I bet this was the most exciting thing that happened in their little village since that one time that Pedro farted nasty at the public sinks at the plaza. They are going to be talking about this for years to come.

Those bitches walking around on those run down streets as if they where freaking out in a bloody massacre horror film in their five hundred dollar “Gucci’s” on drippy blood were NOT the only things that were  ”on display” at that open air market. The carcasses of dead cows and chicken heads were, but it appears their fake titties where upstaging the other things at that meat market. Did y’all see those scary looking locals drooling on those ho’s? Then, Teresa decides to grab a dead chicken and goes on chasing the other bitches with it. Teresa also decides to fan her cooch and ask the confused spice vendor if he ever read her book since she is a famous author and TV Star extraordinaire and even if this humble village doesn’t have any Internet access (except for the local drug lord) Teresa feels that is NO excuse for this quiet humble vendor who doesn’t even understand what the fuck she is saying, to NOT know who she is.

Teresa says the reason she is out in the local market is because she is doing research on writing her third cook book where she will be doing a “fusion” of Italian and Italian food. Except this time instead of using tomatoes, cheese, dough, meat and spices for the base “ingrediencess” she will be using dough, tomatoes, meat and cheese instead. So it’s totally different see.

While the Puta Princesses are out flapping their goods “On Display” for the local village the men go golfing. And when I say golfing they went and treated the golf course like the batting cages. The Godfather is the only one that knows how to golf (since he has to make all those crooked deals with city officials an’ all) and he is appalled and embarrassed he took these ass-mooning, drunken, savage, clowns with him.

That night Barney Devito was surprisingly going horn-dog on Teresa. Maybe it turns him on when she freaks out and goes “crazy bitch” on the other ho’s.

The Manzo boys decide that everything has been too peaceful between the ho’s and want to see a cat-fight so for the final dinner at Punta Cana they decide to have a contest to see who the Puta Cana Princess is. Immediately Teresa starts taking this nonsense serious like her life depends on it and gets this worried look in her face because she is afraid to lose this life or death contest.

They each win some lame ass category. Melissa gets asked who the VP of the United States and the bitch didn’t know his name!

IS THIS DUDE!

Then someone showed her this picture and she suddenly remembered it was Biden. When Melissa gets one more question about world geography she gets another point for naming Antarctica as the continent where Egypt resides because apparently none of these dip-shits know Egypt is in Africa none of them know, not even ex-college drop out Albie, oh wait maybe that’s why he got flunked out of school.

On the very last day of their trip Teresa’s lost bag of faux-jewerlies arrives after it went on its own traveling adventure from Florida to Las Vegas to Hawaii and then back to the Dominican Republic. When Teresa gets her bags she jumps up and down from joy and Greg rolls up his eyes.

Everyone goes back to the United States, after almost half of them got detained for the bar brawl and that was Albie, Barney Devito and Greg.

Melissa is now back in New Jersey and is nervous about her big performance at the Black Water thingy. When she walks in to meet with her professional back up dancers you can tell she is nervous and since she “doesn’t know how to dance worth shit” like Ritchie said in an earlier episode she can’t keep up with the dance steps. This is the reason the strip club place had to make her a bartender instead. Psycho Midget Joe also was trying to rent some live tigers to distract people in case Melissa’s performances flops because what better way to be distracted than to be worried there are two live tigers that can go on a feeding bloody frenzy at any minute in a room packed with about 600 people and one exit.

Then, when she does her singing rehearsal she sounds like a banshee having sex with a werewolf so they auto-tune her real nice and somehow a scientist comes up with a formula that makes her shoes give her rhythm to follow the dance steps. Awesomely she pulls the performance off and turns on all the mens even Barney Devito who congratulates her by giving her a long dry humping hug. Everyone loves each other even Teresa and Kathy get along, Teresa goes as far as apologizing to Kathy for being a crazy asshole. They are all one big happy dysfunctional issue-infested family! For now.

The continuation part 2 of this wreckage.

So the Ass-Holey intervention continues bio dad who wants to sound good for the camera is trying to talk to Ass-Holey about getting her shit together and wonders why she is so angry at Jacqueline. Ass-Holey responds by ignoring him and texting someone on her cell phone. Meanwhile Jacqueline gives her award winning performance in the basement of that restaurant and cries her little ‘poor me’ song and dance and Ass-Holey has gone into full Asshole mode and is snapping back at bio-dad  who forces her to apologize to her mom. Jacqueline doesn’t want to hear her apologies and tells her to fuck off. Ass-Holey insist her mom is an immature brat and I can see that this is where Ass-Holey learned this behavior. Bio dad and hot step mom went back to Texas laughing and calling Jacqueline and Chris SUCKERS!!

Kathy Wikipedia and her daughter are getting ready for Kathy’s Goddess party. She even invited that Zen chick that used to shoot the shit with Dina back in the day and now she has come over to pass the Cheech and Chong blunt to get rid of evil spirits. Richie says that, “Richie Wakile doesn’t believe in black magic,” but he is letting Kathy bring the Zen hippie chick over because she has the best Lebanese hash-blunts in NJ. So Zen chick pulls out the Viking horns from her giant purse and lights up that big blunt and starts chanting some gibberish chant while everyone is passing that blunt around even the teenagers. The family that gets high together stays together and it only cost them what? What did Zen Chick charge them? Like five thousand dollars?

Next Ashley gets fired from her job as an ‘artist’ and decides to whine about how her life sucks. Lauren just rolls her eyes up at Ashley who better hurry up and pack up her shit for California since everyone in New Joysey is about to tar, feather and chase her out of town.

Teresa and Barney Devito meet with their lawyer to see if they can get out of the whole signature forging thing, but only Teresa gets away with it. The lesson that this folks learned from all this mess is ‘You have to lie!’. Teresa is teaching this to her kids now.

Next the Goddess party. Kathy is gracious enough to give the other skanks gifts and tells each one of them how special they are when it comes time to compliment Teresa on her ability to be totally oblivious that her marble mansion is crumbling down that bitch gets pissed because she thinks Kathy is making a dig at her when she told her she puts on a happy clown face even thought everything is fucking up and Barney Devito is facing jail time that even his butt-hole is  tightening up from fear.

Kathy announces that her punk ass is opening up a restaurant and the reason she is having this Goddess Party is to prostitute her new restaurant venture. After Kathy says this shit Teresa jumps in and says “we’re opening a restaurant too!” .  Well Teresa was not exactly lying, but she didn’t use the correct words, what she meant was ‘Barney Devito is working at the pizza parlor for minimum wage and tips’ see to Teresa that’s the same shit as opening up a restaurant because that’s what Barney Devito told her. Then, for some reason Teresa started showing her teeth and barking at Melissa and in a desperate attempt to change the mood Kathy calls in the reinforcements and a belly dancer shows up (so the bitches will stop fighting).

Melissa ends up  getting turned on because as y’all know she is a closet carpet gangster. Teresa is disgusted.

So to wrap it up we get to visit with Jacqueline and her Ass-Holey drama. AGAIN! And although Jacqueline did all that crying and whining and bitching about Ass-Holey being an ungrateful disrespectful asshole who ruined her life and has another fight on camera with Ass-Holey in front of her young sons about babysitting and dad Chris kicks her ass out and tells her to go live in a van down by the river she leaves alright, but thanks to a mysterious parent that helps her in the moving out process because I’m not buying the bullshit that’s coming up next since I KNOW she must of gotten some financial help to NOT end up homeless.

Jacqueline and Ashley fight some more and Ashley gets kicked out of her mother’s house on a cold winter night. Finally. This is the van down by the river she now lives at:

My guess is that bio-dad and dad Chris both pitched in to get Ass-Holey far away from everyone.

Here’s the kitchen where she will be serving the margaritas and blazing the knife hits:

Here is the pool where Ashely will have her drinking buddies over and one of them is sure to puke in the pool forcing Ashley to pay a citation to the HOA. That’s my crystal ball prediction.

I bet it was easier to pay for Ashley’s condo than it was to deal with her shit in New Jersey.

She is LA’s problem now! OH SHIT THAT’S HERE!! OH NOOO!!!

Earlier we found out that Ass-Holey was fired from her graphic artist gig and she gets in every one’s nerves yada, yada, yada. But that’s okay thought Ass-Holey has back ups maybe bio-dad can pull an arson skeam or two so that he can get his little mouthy Ass-Holey an apartment in Cali and Ashley can tell everyone she bought it.Then she gets more rewarded for bad behaviour and  starts an internship with Buzznet , she also plans to start a website selling chia pets, jack-off machines or some bull shit, oh yeah and write a book about how to make your parents buy you cars and apartments while you whine that everyone hates you.

If she keeps complaining about her parents and everyone hating her and how hard it is to be her, then she really needs to be let outside the private gates of that apartment building into the jungle of LA to see what is like. That girl is lucky I doubt that she would ever have to resort to being a porn ho’ so she better be grateful and kiss the ground her four pushover parents walk on everyday and leave them alone so they can  all have their adult orgy.

By the way thanks to my readers who send me the link on the Ashley gossip and pictures sorry for not posting earlier.

Teresa says she’s going to leave the past behind her fat ass and forget about that whole bankruptcy ordeal and get back to having “good food, good sex, and family and friends,” in other words blowing money from the hard work she puts in pimping out her cookbooks and prostituting shit interviews to gossip magazines, but NOT paying her debtors with that money.

Now we know the story behind the cover of Teresa’s cook book. That cover where Gia was gazing lovingly at her mother was shot in the middle of a small war where Gia won the evil eye war she had with Gabriela.

Kathy and Richie, but specially Richie are in denial that their daughter is growing up and Richie flips out when Kathy tells him that it’s about time to have the “talk” about the birds and the bees with sixteen year old Victoria. Richie says something fucking disturbing that I wish he didn’t say about Victoria not having sex because she will imagine her dad’s face on any boy she is making out with. EEEWWWWW!!!! WHY WHY DID HE SAY THAT!!!

Well, let me tell you something Mr. and Mrs. Wikipedia it is about six years too late and 325 thousand dollars short to have the talk with young Miss Victoria, but luckily for you her uncle the Internet already taught her aaaallll about the birds and the bees and the Playboy Bunnies and then some. That’s why Miss Victoria already knows what sexy gown that’s five years too mature for her to wear so she can rock her curves to the boys with “bad intentions,” to pick. Which by the way mom, Victoria was already aware of their “bad intentions” and she doesn’t feel that’s a bad thing, just in case you didn’t know. But don’t worry she will be back by curfew intact and in time to study and tell you what y’all want to hear. I think Victoria could teach Ashley some lessons on how to get away with everything by following the rules or at least pretending to.

And speaking of dumb asses that need lessons in the art of getting away with fun shit we get to see Ashley who happens to be visiting Christopher at his new supposed job at some bar. Along with Ashley is Jacqueline, and her step dad Chris Sr. Ashley tries to get Christopher fired by begging for free drinks. Do these dumb asses forget there’s cameras following? Christopher tells Ashley to fuck off. And right before Ashley throws a Milania fit her bio dad and step-mom show up. SURPRISE!!

Melissa whines to her evil sisters about Teresa clowning on her for being a wannabe singer,in her mid-thirties, who is using this shit-show as a catapult to famewhoredom. Melissa says that she was the better person because she didn’t punch Teresa in the face. But that had nothing to do with her being afraid that Tree may go planet of the apeshit crazy on her skinny little ass and Psyho Joe wasn’t there to monkey punch Tree into place.

Melissa’s sisters tell Melissa that while driving on the freeway they drove over a magical  ”median” of some sort, who told them he had a message from Melissa’s father from the beyond about how Melissa will become BIG BIG!! And famous for being a famewhore on a shit TV show where she fights with her sister-in-law and brags about how much bling she has.

Caroline is emptying out her closet because she doesn’t fit in her clothes anymore Lauren tells her mom how she tried every diet under the sun except for the smocking crack diet, but that’s next.

Ashley sits around playing on her phone while her mom Jacqueline rushes around making dinner. When Jacqueline asks her to babysit Ashley says she has to go party and get hammered with her friends shit to do.

Melissa is showing off her brand new dungeon music studio that Joey build for her.  Psycho Joe says he will be pimping Melissa out to make the money back he paid for this basement prison he build her. Then, Melissa jumps in the singing booth and pretends to be singing, but the producers from Soul Diggaz notice her pretend singing sounds like a baby goat getting rimmed in the butt and tell her to step it up. Psycho Joe tells her to pretend the microphone is him, and that’s when she really fucks up. Seriously maybe if he would of said the microphone was some chicks chichi she would of gotten turned on and sing sexy, but since she had to pretend it was Joe’s hairy cannoli that ruined the whole fantasy and her song.

After dueling hours, of Mel singing about people wanting her to fall because she is so “big” according to the “median” plus a shitload  of auto tune, the song is finally done.  You can tell the Soul Diggaz  had this look in their face like they were getting impatient and having buyers regret with Melissa, but who knows maybe they decided to  go ahead and help her with this album because they owed Psycho Joey some favors.

Later on Lauren, The Godmother and the Manzo boys including their gay pet Greg all head to the gym because Lauren says she feels bloated and wants to lose some weight. While at the gym Caroline complains and complains because there is no doughnuts on a string for her to chase and complete her workout. Lauren then decides to sexually harass Greg and while they are all on the ground doing sit ups she yells “I CAN SEE YOUR PIPI!”.  Shameless attention-whore Greg doesn’t even move from the spot where Lauren has a perfect view of his cahones, but complains like a little bitch instead. Lauren is totally enjoying the pipi view and  sexually harassing Greg who only spreads his legs more. While complaining.

Next the Assho-ley intervention. Which was more like a public national TV Ashley embarrassment on top of the embarrasement that she causes herself everyday by being on TV airing her dirty chones.Ashley’s mom Jacqueline, step dad Chris and her bio dad Matt plus his wife Jodi all decide to take this girl to a restaurant cameras in tow and publicly embarrass her about what a punk ass she is who doesn’t want to do shit with her life.  The whole thing was a fucking nightmare they even managed to ruin dinner (or maybe not after all, it was a free show) for the people who were sitting right behind them, look at the dude’s face that’s sitting behind them he is all in horrified shock.

The final nail on that coffin was when Jacqueline sat there telling Ashley what a punk she is and Ashley said that she is at least a punk with no kids and pretty much tells Jacqueline that she was more of a loser at Ashley’s age than Ashley. Then, she proceeds to tell Jacqueline to close her damn legs because if she did she wouldn’t have two more kids to care for who happen to not be Ass-holey’s babysitting problem because she didn’t lay down to make those babies. Jodi’s jaw drops and Jacqueline runs to the restaurants basement to cry and do her poor me song.  Chris then reminds Ashley she is an ungrateful asshole and  how her mom gave up her million dollar beautician career to care for Ass-holey. Yeah, because publicly embarrassing this girl with the circus of cameras in tow and reminding her that she ruined her mothers life is really going to smooth things out with Ashley and make her fly right. Poor Jacqueline she gave up her career and after moving to Jersey I’m sure that there was NO WAY she could of started her own hair salon with her hubbies money and run her shop because that was all sabotaged by Ashley. I know the girl is an ungrateful asshole but, give me a fucking break! Maybe she is the way she is because of the shit her dipshit parents have been telling her all along.