New bitches new ho’ downs, the drama never ends. Even though Jill “Jillaousy” Zarin, “Co Co Puffs” Kelly Bensimoron, Cindy “Bore Me” Barshop and Alex “Frankenstein Shoes” Mccord were all axed because supposedly the situation got toxic and now a new blend of toxic got introduced to the old blend of toxic waste, that is the New York Skanks it appears these bitches are all at each other’s throats already with a whole new set of cat-fights and bitch slappery fiascoes.  Ramona is the “asshole pariah” of this season and LuAnn de Lesseps plus Sonja Morgan are pushing for the empty spot of Queen Bee that Jill Zarin left behind.

 Although, the show is supposed to be “totally different than last season.” The  NY. Daily News reported the women have already divided into teams and Ramona is now fighting with her bestie Sonja (she must of found out Mario banged her.)

From NY Daily News:

WARNING THE FOLLOWING PICTURE MAY SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU’RE UNPREPARED:

According to The Dirty  Cindy Horse Teeth Boring Shop former Real House Fly Of the New York is a broke ass low rent bitch who used her Bravo checks to invest in her  pube-plucking, porn-glitter-crotch salons and failed to pay her leases and employees. And as a result is going out of business. 

From the very Dirty Dirty:

When Cindy Barshop got cast as the newest member of Real Housewives of New York, she was riding on her relationship with Jill Zarin to keep her on the show for years to come. She became greedy for fame, and as soon as she received her first paycheck from Bravo, she decided to use that money as collateral for loans to open 5 more of her Completely Bare Spas in various cities across the country. Well, both her and Jill got the boot and now Cindy will NOT be receiving more paychecksfrom Bravo. Therefore, Ms. Barshop has defaulted on her loans and has closed down 4 of those 5 Spas. All were open for less than a year.

Her Beverly Hills Spa was shut down by building owner (who also sharesoffice spaces with Dr. Ray 90210) after she didn’t pay rent for 3months. 2 locations in NYC (owned by LA Sports Club-soon to be Equinox) also kicked her out of their buildings after she didn’t pay rent. 

Currently, the 5th Avenue spa supplier will not even deliver supplies b/c she owes them $7,000. The employees there say things have turned for the worse, and some cannot even receive the full amount of their paychecks b/c they are too high for the “budget”.  So what now? In a last ditch effort to save her Spas (and get MORE fame) Cindy has decided to create her OWN Reality Show that follows her and her team of waxers as they face the challenging task of removing body hair. She is fundingthe show with money she doesn’t even have, when she SHOULD be paying her bills! She can’t afford spa supplies or to pay her employees, yet she can pay a camera man named Justin to try and make her famous?

This bitch and her horse teeth need to go the fuck away already. Is bad enough we had to put up with her dumb ass in the last season of RHONY and now she wants to have her own reality show? What is she going to do sit there with her mouth wide open as the collectors take the equipment from her ass-waxing, failed business, and  her weird brother Howie confuses her for his wife while she is in his bed sleeping? Yeah, well that kind of disturbing shit doesn’t need to be documented or seen by normal people who may end up needing years of therapy after watching her weird interactions with her brother.

By TwitterButtons.com

The latest rumors are that the new bitches replacing Jill Zarin, Alex Mccord, Kelly Behemoth and Cindy Horse Teeth are supposedly ladies who married even better and had better careers than these four clowns did. The new cast consists of Carole Radziwill who is the widow of a  relative of the Kennedy clan Anthony Radziwill, also fashion designer Heather Thomson and philanthropist Aviva Drescher will be replacing the four fired housewives.

Carole Radziwill has worked as an NBC news producer and is a bestselling author and married Anthony Radziwill, nephew of the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Anthony died of cancer in 1999.

Carole-Radziwill

Aviva Drescher is a “Wall Street” wife who married and had three children with Investment Banker  Reid Drescher, founder of Spencer Clarke Securities and Investment Banking. Meanwhile she hangs out philanthroping to have something to do.

Aviva Drescher and Heather Thomson.

To rub salt in Jilliousy’s recent wounds of getting fired and all of that shit, Bravo decided to make sure they brought in a paid fashion designer who already made sausage encasing squeeze ware a success BEFORE coming into Housewives.  Fashion designer Heather Thomson owns and runs a shapewear business called Yummie Tummie that also happens to be a favorite of Oprah. Jill must be pulling out her hair crying. I hope she doesn’t explode of Jilliousy and blows up like a pumpkin that ate an M-80. HA HA HA!! NICE ONE BRAVO!

What still amazes me after watching all these housewives shows, is the willingness of these new women  who are supposedly “well-to-do” and “well-connected”  to put their lives out there and risk being embarrassed and ridiculed and how willingly and eager they are to  jumping in this pit of fire. Heather Thomson and Aviva Drescher have been acquainted with some of the Real House Skanks, but Carole Radziwill has “never met any of the women.” YEAH, SHE WILL NOW!!

Even though Carole has never met the other bitches I am sure she has heard enough about how reality TV can ruin your life and the other two women who run in the same social circles as the Housewives should know better and are grown enough to understand that if you join a reality show you don’t come out smelling like cupcakes and rainbows because I am sure they DON’T  live under a rock either.

But I guess people with Attention Whore Personality disorder mixed with a little mid-life crisis is what drives these bitches into doing these reality shows even if these shows have ruined other people’s lives with things like oh, bankruptcy, evictions, divorce, public humiliation, clown ass bloggers making fun of you, suicide, etc. They still don’t learn NO matter if it hurts them or members of their families who may become casualties to the herd of circus stampede they are now a part of.

Bravo has not yet confirmed anything, but these are the rumors being spread.

Meanwhile other fun rumors that got spread this week include Ramona Singer’s supposed involvement in getting Jill fired from the show a so called secret source told US Weekly that Ramoniac, “wanted Jill out and her friends in.” And she also “came to Bravo with a few pals she thought would make good additions. Bravo decided to go with the new girls and not Jill, so Ramona basically ran her off the show.” Ramona denies the allegations, “We can recommend people to come to the show, but it’s not my decision.” The other bitches left on the show are happy Jill is gone and are having a block party  “Jill caused a lot of problems,” and Ramona another supposed insider says “Her castmates were upset with her, since she’d tweet all these negative things. Karma’s a bitch.”

I wonder if Ramona recommended that Alex and Simon get the axe as well? Or was that just Bravo’s sole decision?

The show may of ended and the cameras are gone, maybe these bitches got escorted out of the building by security, I don’t know? (Alex and Simon physically thrown  out, possibly) but, Alex and Simon are still fighting with Jill while in the parking lot (could you all just imagine that scenario?) accusing the bitch of getting them fired! WHAAA??? DIDN’T SHE GET FIRED TOO??!!

Here is the scoop by US Magazine:

McCord, 37, told Good Morning America Friday that Zarin, 48, “has been trying to get me off the show for a number of years. She succeeded…She’s a manipulator and she’s very good at feeding information to her own end.”

McCord’s husband Simon van Kempen added that Zarin was a “flawed woman extraordinaire…Jill sometimes is still very much stuck in junior high as the girl who was unpopular, who was bullied. And 30 years later, she’s still there.”

In response, a rep for Zarin tells Us Weekly: “Alex and Simon’s allegations represent the type of negativity that Jill is eager to move on from. Jill will continue to take the high road and wish Alex and Simon nothing but the best.”

BITCHES! Pick up your shit and GO HOME! I don’t know if you haven’t noticed, but your fifteen minutes died fifteen minutes ago. IT’S DONE GO HOME!

Thanks to Cindy and Louise for the links!

After all the rumors went back and forth about which house skanks of New York got the boot to the ass we finally got the answer. Alex Mccord took to her Twitter and admitted Bravo fired her as well as Cindy The Bore Barshop. I bet Bravo fired Alex because maybe they got tired of Simon begging them to make him a housewife with his own introduction clip before the show, who knows. Cindy was booring that bitch didn’t do anything for anybody, not only did she have fugly ass huge horse teeth, but she was fucking RUUUUDE and all she ever did was sit there with her huge mouth wide open and call attention to her teeth, while she looked shocked and flies flew in and out of her mouth and she swatted at them with her tail. Plus damn she was hard to look at!

Kelly Bensimon and Jill Zarin were also let-go by the network. I guess Bravo decided to cut their loses because it was way cheaper to cut Jill lose than to deal with her constant Jill the Diva hurricane behavior  for the sake of ratings. I bet the producers the cameramen the peons and all the people that had to put up with that bitch while filming this show are probably having a celebration fiesta with a pinata that looks like Jill.

The best decision they made was to let go of that beast Kelly Bensimoron. They should of fired that bitche’s mentally unstable ass since Scary Island, when that bitch had a level 10 mental meltdown because she more than likely was coming down from meth and pregnant Bethenny was dealing with that beast and because of her, Bethenny had to sleep with a security guard outside her door until Bravo send the crazy bitch in a padded wagon back home!  Their decision to cut her had to do with Kelly being more of a liability than an asset.

Here are Alex’s tweets:

After Jilliousy chewed Ramonzon’s head off for bringing up the Countless’  “weekend parenting” we are back for more bitch slapping and all that good shit. LuAnn is fuming because she says that Ramonzon talks to every Tom, Dick, Harry and belligerent homeless wino in New York city about LuMan’s parenting skills (or lack there off). Ramona says she didn’t say shit about that bitch and LuMan hisses at Gonzo for not sticking up for the Countless when Ramonzon was running her fat mouth. Gonzo tries to say she stuck up for LuMan, but wasn’t caught on film.

Andy asks Ramona why she is trying to blame Avery for turning down LuMan’s music video and why she is trying to say Avery is embarrassed of Ramona being on a tranni music video when the bitch served alcohol at Avery’s sweet sixteen and tried to highjack her party by turning it into Ramona’s drunken Cincuentanera bash 2010. Yep, that shit exist that’s what one of my readers told me. Go ahed and google it.

LuMan brings up the embarrassing massage Ramona gave her “husband’s hairy chest” on TV and questions how can Avery NOT be embarrassed by that, but is embarrassed of her mother appearing in LuMan’s desperation mid-life crises video. Jill decides to demonstrate the dramatics by grabbing Kelly’s Behemoth’s gorilla size feet and proceeds to massage them while making X-rated moaning sounds. I don’t understand why Ramonzon doesn’t just admit she didn’t want to do the video with the Countless because she can’t stand that beast. Andy asks Ramonzon if Avery was embarrassed by the massage she gave Mario on TV and Ramonzon says she was a “little” embarrassed. Yeah just like we are supposed to believe it was all Avery that forbid Ramona from appearing in the video, we are also expected to believe that she was just a “little” embarrassed by the massage. LuMan brings up a good point and asks Ramonzon how it is that she refused to do the music video because it was slutty, yet she invites sixteen year old Avery to join the burlesque underwear shopping and invites her to the dirty bird Sonja show?  After stuttering and pulling out a lame ass answer out of her ass, Ramona says it’s because it was a “private party”. So? That’s like saying because she invited her daughter to an orgy since it was a “private orgy” it’s ok. Right? EEEWWWWUUUOOKAYY THEN?!!

Miss Andy asks LuMan why she went into super confrontational asshole mode this season and why is she up Jill’s ass and defending Jill. Alex yells it’s because LuMan has  enough “dirt” on LuMan to fill a “landfill”. Jill calls Alex a bitch, but spells it out because small children may be watching?  What? OK!? What about all the shit these bitches were saying earlier?

Then, we see a diarrhea trail of clips with Jilliousy saying she is a “changed woman” and staying out of drama followed by scenes with Jill running her fat mouth about everybody’s business, and talking about EVERYBODY! From who is how old and where Cindy’s babies’ daddy is, to calling Alex a ‘fucking bitch’ for socializing above her level and pretty much just trying to insert herself into the drama like a fucking tapeworm crawling up a fat persons ass. Jill then gives a lame ass explanation about how she is blatantly “honest” and doesn’t give a crap what anybody thinks because she is not trying to do it to be mean she is doing it because she is repeating whatever Ramona has been saying all these years I AM WHAT I AM LIKE IT OR NOT I’M POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN TOOT TOOT!! Ramona can’t believe this bitch has now crossed over to using Ramoner’s excuses for acting like a complete asshole to people’s faces for stupid reasons. Ramona was sitting there mumbling, bitch find your own excuses! I think the only thing that changed with Jilliousy this season is that she has learned to be a bigger irritating asshole who found other ways to use more useless excuses to be a complete bitch, so yeah she’s changed, for the worst! Jill tries to say that the grudge she has with Ramona is deeper and longer than the Bethenny grudge and she doesn’t think she can forgive Ramona. WTFUCK? Bitch you don’t make sense! Ramonzon is right when someone is doing better and has more money than Jill she gets “Jilliousy” and goes into full-fledged hurricane level bitch mode.

Gonzo confronts Jilliousy about the shit she talked about Gonzo when she did her disturbing dirty bird burlesque performance. And Jill tries to deny it and says that Gonzo was attacking all of them by calling them “bitches”. Gonzo then admits it by calling them “bitches” again. HA HA HA!!!  Jill says that she was just kidding and being cute when she made fun of Gonzo’s horrific performance! That’s just like saying she went up to Sonja’s plate of toaster oven weiner-dinner and farted on it, but since she was being funny it’s all good and forgiven.

Then Jill starts bitching at Alex for wearing white to the wedding and what a bitch she is for socializing at a party that’s below her social climbing lying ass, plus all the shit she talks about the Hamptons. Alex says she only used to go to the Hampton’s to get acting jobs. Kelly busts up laughing and the brunettes asks Alex what movies she was on? After stuttering and making some shit up, duh I was the duuuh, tree in that one movie eerrr… She gets laughed at some more. Andy asks Jill if she ever admits when she is wrong and surprisingly Jill apologizes to Alex for calling her a bitch, just to clean the slate so she can insult her minutes later with brand new crispy insults.

Alex screams at the brunettes and points at all of them yelling “IF I WAS TRYING TO SOCIALICE ABOVE MY LEVEL I WOULD STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ALL OF YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE ALL A LIABILITY!” Bigfoot Kelly again, bust up laughing this time she asks Alex “ARE YOU SMOKING CRACK?” Yeah, she is bitch and you both share the same dealer remember?

Next, more Ramonzon and her addiction to Pinot Del Borracho we get to see clips of “junkie” Ramona demanding Pinot and almost going into “heroin addict” level seizures if no Pinot available. FUCKING WINO!

Ramonzon then accuses Jill of being an alcoholic that had to attend AA meetings and Jill loses her shit denying it and saying she went to AA to support a friend. Who Jill Zarin? Was that the friends name?

Gonzo and Alex stick up for Ramonzon and say she is not an alcoholic since the bitch only drinks one case of vino not three like Jill accuses her of; making Ramona only a drunkaholic which is better! SEE!

Jilliousy jumps on Ramonzon for the comment she made about Jilliousy’s step daughter being “deformed” and Ramonzon tries to defend it saying that means “blemish”. Then, Andy pressures her crazy ass to apologize to Jill’s daughter and surprisingly she does and she spews out a nice apology, but right after that pause to apologize to the innocent the war continues.

Ramona keeps getting stomped on for being a “functioning alcoholic” like Kelly calls her and Ramona finally admits to being a fucking drunk and says she is very happy with her addiction because she has a lot of energy and is a successful business owner eighteen years married and blah, blah, blah. I think all these bitches  need to be thrown together in a paper bag and go to Asshole-holic Anonymous.

Alex bitches at the Countless for calling her ass “Herman Munster shoes” and for correcting  everyone about having “Class” like a matronly prison guard and the other bitches are all six year old inmates. LuAss doesn’t give a shit and just sits there laughing at Alex like she is a dumb ass.

Kelly takes credit for the  ”Herman Munster shoes” and berates Alex for making poor fashion choices.

REALLY?! REALLY BITCH?? SO YOU’RE THE FASHION POLICE NOW??  I guess she made herself in charge of telling the other bitch how to dress when the only place her and Alex (also!) should be modeling those getups Kelly wears with no pants and the S&M crack-whore dress Alex had on at the party is at the runway (isles) of People Of Walmart.

Look at these bitches they both forgot to wear pants that day!

Here’s Kelly wearing her new running out in traffic outfit when she goes out to score some alley meth.

We also found out that Alex gave her nasty ass dress to LuAss and she donated it to some shelter cause or another and now a homeless bum is wearing it while searching for spare cans in the trash.

LuMan admits  and slips out that when her ass marries Peppi LaPoopie she will be giving up the Countess title. Peppi LaPoopie is probably  swimming  back all the way to France in fear by now. LuMan also says she is butt hurt the blonde bitches refused to be on her music video, but she should be happy because at least Kelly Behemoth sharted throughout the video leaving her Bigfoot asshole aroma to decorate it.

Next they all talk shit about Simon and what an asshole he is for mean tweeting. The bitches asks Alex if she is aware of Simon’s tweets and she says she sees like only 90% of his tweets, but not the other 10% where he tweets Miss Andy at midnight and tells him what a purty mouth he ass and how he would like to strech it! EEEWWW!!! OLD DRAG QUEENS!

And now let’s talk about the Morocco trip and why Ramonzon, LuMan and the rest of these Housewives are permanently 86th from Morocco and are not allowed to travel there anymore. EVER! That camel that tried to kill LuMan already told the other camels to watch out for these hags and if they come back they’re getting camel stomped and not just LuMan this time. That camel knew exactly what it was doing! LuMan gets all defensive about playing matronly prison guard and making everyone miserable with her dictator actions at the Morocco vacation. See that’s why the camel wanted to throw her off it’s back and pee on her and I wish it would of.

Ramonzon gets asked why she got these bitches 86th from Morocco with her rude comments and she proceeds to double insult that country by saying some crazy statistics about how it is a crappy third world dusty bowl. LuMan laughs her ass off about that insult since she is not over there right now where they would chop her penis off for laughing at shit like that.

Miss Andy asks Gonzo if she is racist for not trusting people with her luggage in another country and she gives him some lame answer, Miss Andy brings up how Gonzo doesn’t seem well-traveled because she acts ignorant like she hasn’t gotten out of the woods much. Sonja tries to defend that by saying that even when she visited the “Royal Palace” she was paranoid they were going to steal her luggage. This bitch doesn’t quit does she?!

Dumb ass Alex gets asked why she is such a nerd and got her ass beat in Morocco for no reason other than trying to fight Ramonzon’s battles to desperately kiss her ass while Ramona ran around with her real best friend Gonzo laughing her ass off  and getting blitz. Alex sits there like a doofus acting like she jumped in that mosh pit of snakes for her own pleasure. Sure bitch, sure whatever you say. Alex then calls LuMan a “thug in a cocktail dress” and offers her a T-shirt. LuAss laughs at her for selling T-shirts at the swap-meet like a loser, but Alex doesn’t care because she is going to make 120 million from those T-shirts. Jilliousy goes into a yelling tirade at Alex and yells at her repeatedly “I don’t care about you!”.

They also show the clip where Kelly was fucking  with Alex’s head when she told her to close her eyes. HA HA HA HA!!! I can’t believe she let that bitch stick her dick in her ear and mindfuck her sideways like that!  HA HA HA HA!!!! See Alex you can’t go up against beast like these on your own, you needed Bethenny there if Beth was theres that shit would of never happened because she made Kelly feel intimidated and stupid and it would of being Beth and Alex fucking with Kelly. And because Kelly only knows like two large words and she has to repeat them constantly to establish her credibility that she is an intelligent human and not a shaved ape like we all thought, she starts calling Alex “inauthentic” again, and again plus a “bad actress” because I guess in her pea brain she thinks that they are all on a scripted TV show. Then they all lose their shit into a full-blowned bitching tirade again like a bunch of “chicken heads” like Cindy calls them.

Miss Andy asks Ramona about Mario’s infidelities and reads an email that questions the fortune teller and Mario’s suspicious OH SHIT! reactions when Ramoner told him the whole fortune-teller prediction . Ramona sits there denying that shit and says she doesn’t believe what the fortune-teller told her, she says that Mario is a good guy and he is faithful to her even the time he porked that hoochie over the  pool table. Alex jumps in and says Simon also joined taking turns in the pool table gang-bang  and he totally wasn’t at the gay bar (later that night) because he is a “straight man”. HA HA HA HA!!!

Then Andy reads another viewer email about Alex’s droopy ass floppy “brawles” boobs and ask if she ever wears a “brawer”.  Alex points out that she is wearing one now.

Andy asks Cindy if her ass even knows her children’s name and she screams I HAVE A NANNY THAT SLEEPS WITH ME! Ok I didn’t see that one coming!

Andy then asks LuAnn if the Count knows her new boyfriend  Jacques Azoulay is Jewish? Does he know Jill is Jewish? Because LuAnn gets in bed with that bitch too. Cindy was confused about the comment, bitch didn’t watch last season.

We also find out that LuMan and her man go to the same barber shop to get their head done.

Andy saves the best question of the night for last  “How do you feel that Bethenny is worth 10 times more than all of you combined?”  LuMan tries to say some stupid bullshit about how Bethenny is still catching up to their money. Bitch she left your old ass in the dust, by like 40 million dollars looong ago! Jilliousy spews out all pissed off a obvious jealous comment that she doesn’t count Bethenny’s money. Finally none of them can take the jealousy anymore and all the bitches explode into a massive splatter of excrement. Poor Miss Andy will never be the same!

Ya habibi Bitches!

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Part one of this bitch slap fest began with Andy asking Ramona about her false alarm pregnancy and questions that bitche’s delusions on being capable of getting preggers with old ass dusty eggs. The brunettes roll their eyes when Ramona adamantly defends her so-called ‘young uterus’ and states AGAIN that she could of been pregnant, then she announces she is on her period. Maybe her last one, but it’s till her period.

After a diarrhea trail of fight clips, about how these hags love to pick fights at the ‘wrong place and wrong time,” we are dragged down memory lane to rehash the bitch slap fest where Sonja, Alex and Simon got into that mosh pit of a fight over the gay rights thingy that Simon was supposed to speak at, and Gonzo totally crapped on the podium making it impossible for Simon to give his speech without slipping on Sonja’s runny shit.

So to stir the shit pot and get the blondes at each other’s throat Miss Andy asks Sonja why she didn’t allow Simon to speak at the gay-rights event. Sonja and Alex discuss the events that took place and Sonja blames someone named bleep for the so called speech hijack Alex makes a weird ass comment about this person named  bleep and you can tell Alex is making all kinds of silly excuses and covering for Gonzo (probably the same way she makes excuses for Simon when he is yelling at her in cars) because for some reason now she doesn’t want to piss the Gonzo off and be out of the blonde gang.

Meanwhile the brunettes are talking shit among each other and somehow the insanity demons that control cooco for coco puffs Kelly’s mouth muttered the truth when she spewes out that ( I know scary)  Alex is sitting there allowing Sonja to insult her husband on national TV and just brushes it off like it’s no big deal. Magically and without splanation (misspelled on purpose!) Gonzo and Alex are suddenly besties and none of this shit matters because it was all a BIG misunderstanding and aliens took the real Sonja for a couple of weeks then brought her back and it was also bleeps fault! So not Sonja’s fault! Miss Andy keeps trying to poke the beast in the eyeball and brings up the fight where Gonzo threw that bitch out of her house for dressing like an S&M whore.  Again, all we get is Alex making up more lame excuses for Gonzo and saying that they “are good now” and the brunettes roll up their eyes at this display of bullshit. Kelly tries to explain the fight and what took place, but she can’t make sense or put sentences together so she just makes herself look like the incoherent mentally ill nut job she is, like always.

Alex tries to say that if it wasn’t for the useless fight they had,  marriage equality would of never been passed in the state of New York! Yeah, I guess thanks to the house flies of New York gay man can legally marry all credit goes to these screaming menopausal twats. REALLY? REALLY BITCH YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT? I guess we are all stupid here and are expected to believe that spoonful of horse shit just like the time she said she came from oil money. RIIIGHT!! OOOKKAAYY THEN!! Alex tries to say that bleep agrees with this and I suppose that’s why he doesn’t want Bravo to say his name on TV or admit he knows these skanks.

Because Jill is a grade A asshole  and I guess in charge of asking the questions now because she can take over Andy like that; she uses her king size ladle to stir that shit cauldron (still trying to get Alex and Sonja to scrap on each other) and asks Gonzo how she felt when Simon got up on her face. Jill is salivating at the mouth hoping those two ho’s will be swinging a bat at each other, but no such luck.

Kelly is asked why she calls Alex “inauthentic” and “weird” and she points out that Alex gets red blotches on her skin when she tries to argue with people. And Kelly says it’s because “I’m nice and I care” and “Cosmo voted me the ‘5 Most Nice Celebrity’”! Alex was sitting there thinking WFUCK? HUH?! What does this have to do with anything? Alex starts turning all blotchy again and Kelly starts freaking out like the baboon she is and pointing it out and shit; and Alex still can’t get her point across. Next.

Time to ask Gonzo why the fuck she is so delusional and lives in her wealthy past pretending she still rich when she is actually a broke ass and looking like a fool after getting sued for that John Travolta movie that never got made. Sonja then loses her shit and cries because her marriage felt apart and it wasn’t the financial stuff that hurts it’s the marriage and the fact that it fell apart. Now, that bitch deserves an academy award. I would be crying the same way too if I lost my big ass paycheck like that. Good thing she is saying all this bullshit about how she loved her husband and he was kind blah, blah, blah. See this way in case other future potential sugar daddies are watching this she may be able to fool them and think she is actually marrying them because of love and not gold digging their ass. That’s good.

Gonzo is asked why all the lavish parties at fancy restaurants  if she is so broke, but Gonzo defends that by saying she gives the restaurant’s publicity because she is a “restaurant consultant”. I didn’t know waitresses are called “restaurant consultants” now. I’m sure those restaurants love being associated with the loud mouth screaming bitch fest followed by a camera crew filming this circus these bitches bring to their restaurants. NICE!

Sonja confronts Kelly on calling her house dirty and disorganized, but Kelly doesn’t back-down and insist Gonzo lives in a pigsty.  Just to deny it minutes later confusing Miss Andy. Even LuMan tries to back Gonzo up by calling Kelly’s original comment inappropriate.

Andy calls Kelly out about her house and asks her who paid for it and Kelly admits it was her sugar papa (the one that dumped her for being crazy) and the bitch says she is not calling Sonja out on who paid for her house, but more on her house being dirty. Kelly is lucky her sugar papa paid for that house or else this bitch would be homeless and having to give hobos hand jobs for a hit of their crack pipe.

Cindy who’s been sitting there saying nothing the whole time with her horse teeth sticking out of her wide open mouth being dead weight like usual suddenly jumps in and agrees with Kelly that Gonzo is delusional and puts on “airs”. Cindy tells Gonzo that she shouldn’t act like her shit don’t stink and look down on people and then expect people to feel sorry for her when her face hits the pavement.

Next Miss Andy brings up Ramonzon’s Pinot Grigio addiction and Jill makes a snide remark about the whole fiasco with Ramona wearing white to that one wedding. Alex tries to jump in, just to be told by Jillious to shut the fuck up  and stay out of it ending with Jill calling her a “fucking bitch”. Jill has changed. Into a bigger bitch.  HA HA HA!!!

Bethenny gets brought up and Jilliousy tries to say that the other ho’s were jealous of her relationship with Beth and insinuates that Ramona wasn’t helping. Andy is confused again because he has FOOTAGE of Ramonzon trying to arrange a meeting between the Skynny Girl and Jilliousy to fix things up, but asshole Jilliousy didn’t want to work it out, her plan to fuck with Beth’s emotions for a minute backfired and Beth got tired of the mindfuck games Jilliousy was playing so Beth said FUCK YOU! And walked and now Jilliousy is just pissed because her manipulation little games didn’t work on Beth. That’s why she is sad the friendship wasn’t salvaged. Not because she loved Bethenny. But whatevs she’s got 120 million a hot man and a baby. Happiness is the best revenge. Jilliousy tries to say she is scared of Bethenny and hopes Bethenny is scared of her too! Not so much bitch!

Ramona is confronted on her big mouth with no filter and she tries to say that she doesn’t say shit to be mean she is honest or whatever. So she just does it to help people, right?

The day that Miss Andy lost his shit!

The brunettes keep shutting up and beating the shit out of Alex calling her a fucking idiot and what not. And Jill accuses Mario of being a cheater while Ramona says that Jill’s husband is not as good as Mario.  And when the men get brought up bitches be going crazy so Ramona and Jilliousy channel their inner 5th grader and start calling each other loser, LOSER! LOOOSER!!! LOOOSER!! It all went to apeshit town and Andy kept trying to ask questions, but these “BEAST” wouldn’t “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” And Miss Andy lost his shit and yelled at them to “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!”  “BEAST ALL OF YOU!”. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That was a beautiful moment! I knew someday this would happen. I wonder if next time he is going to roll up those cards he holds, like a newspaper, and smack them in the head like a dog that  peed on the couch. That was a whole lot of crazy.

Next we see a montage of the blondes and Gonzo’s Jello ass. Andy asks Sonja why she is a nasty ho’ who keeps loosing her panties and insisting on showing her dry “vagonja” Why does he even asks her this? She already admitted to being embarrassed for being broke than for being portrayed as a crazy horny  bitch that likes to put her ass on display.  So being an exhibitionist ho’ is perfectly fine and not embarrassing, but being a broke ass is.

Kelly accuses Sonja’s “vagonja” of being “rude” to Kelly while at the vagina toaster oven photo shoot. Sonja’s “vagonja” queefs out an insult at Kelly and admits that she was just being “honest” and called Kelly a dick. That’s why Kelly is permanently traumatized and scarred beyond repair by Sonja’s “vagonja”.

Next Bravo tries to convince us Kelly isn’t crazy and they are hopping we forgot her “breakthrough” at Scary Island by showing us a trail of Kelly scenes where they try to edit the bitch as  sane and the “voice of reason,” but it fails. Miserably.

Kelly gets called out by Alex on the whole henna tattoo incident and talking shit about Gonzo’s pig sty. Kelly says she doesn’t know what this bitch is talking about and keeps treating Alex like an idiot while Alex keeps breaking into boiled lobster hives. This can’t be healthy for this bitch if she comes back next season for more abuse, then she is an idiot because these bitches keep “railroading” over her.

Andy brings up Kelly’s past relationship where she claimed she was beat up by the boyfriend and Kelly says she doesn’t want to talk about it and that her ex-husband “saved” her. But the whole thing with her beating that one guy up gets swept under the rug.

Kelly also says she is not jealous of Bethenny who can now crush her with her 120 million dollar wallet. I wonder if Kelly convinced herself yet that she is NOT jealous of Beth.

Now it’s time to fuck with Horse Teeth and we see a montage of her teeth. And the shit starts between Ramona and Cindy over the whole cigar and dead mans suit argument and Ramona asks Andy is he would wear a dead man’s suit and Andy is all EEWWW!! NO! Alex keeps trying to stick her spoon in just to get told again to shut the fuck up and stay out of it this time by Cindy and Alex yells bitch “YOU NEED TO GET LAID!”. HA HA HA HA!!! TRUE! She acts a little tense doesn’t she? Was the last time her “vagonja” got some action when they got those babies out of there? So is this mean since Cindy owns those pubey waxing spas (and she must get waxed all the time) her “vagonja” is all waxed up and nowhere to go? HA HA HA!!!

And Cindy sits these with her horse teeth sticking out of her mouth AGAIN while flies are going in and out and says NOTHING because she knows Alex is right.

Cindy then confronts Gonzo on the “pecking order” comment, but Jill pulls her leash back because for some reason she doesn’t want Cindy going after Gonzo. WEIRD!

Then the “conference call” in the kitchen that ruined the breakfast gets brought up and Cindy insist she wasn’t being rude and Gonzo knew about the call. Kelly takes Cindy’s side and the Countless says Horse Teeth was rude to take that call and she is appalled. Cindy even barks at LuAss when she tries to tell her to chill and she looks like she is about to chew each of these bitches heads off and shit down their necks. Doesn’t LuAss know that you don’t try to calm a beast down when it’s all riled up or it will bite you?

Then Ramona and LuAss get into it about Ramona calling LuAnn a bad mother and what-not, then she keeps on bringing up how many times LuAnn’s daughter Victoria has moved schools and Jill then goes apeshit and yells at Ramona to stop fucking with people’s kids or she will tear her a new asshole. To be continued.

 (I don’t know how the title of this recrap sounds in French, but anytime I can find and use a new curse word in a foreign language I’m going to throw it in there. Enjoy!)

Ramona and Sonja go to the gym and get hit on by an old  crusty man. Gonzo gets all excited and asks the old fart how much money he has and if he needs a date for the evening, but he turns her down so she gets sad and says goodbye to her possible could of been future ex-husband.

Also, while at the gym Ramona brags to  Gonzo  about what a wonderful mother she is to her daughter Avery (you know the one that complains that her and Mario are never around past 9:30pm) unlike LuAss who is only a weekend mother and who loves to slut around with every Tom, Dick and Harry-Balls in her pathetic music videos. Ramona brings up how LuAnn’s son Noel’s face fell out of embarrassment when he saw his mother laying around on “Money Can’t Buy You Class It Can Only Buy You Ass” video with a gang-bang of naked hot gay guys. How embarrassing!

Gonzo who is the old whore of New York says she didn’t think LuMan’s video was a slut flick, but Ramonzon insist that LuAnn’s video is Evil and she is sending a whore message that Ramonzon doesn’t agree with. Gonzo who is one Bravo paycheck away from the homeless shelter decides she will go along with Ramona’s bullshit this one time (you know just in case Ramona decides to come out of the closet and let Sonja move in with her and Mario!) and so decides she is not going to be on this video either.

Alex and Simon are having some kind of a hobo-barbecue complete with the package of 8 hot dogs for 99 cents, plus generic brand beer and Kool Aid. Alex dances around with the hot-dogs, trying to be sexy and fails miserably. Her son little Frankie who is now wearing his own Ride The Lightning Metallica shirt, innocently smacks her in the ass probably the same way he’s seen his drunken dad do that before many many times and Simon tells him to quit smacking what he can’t afford or some shit like that. It was freaking hilarious, then his little crazy ass  decides to go find some booze to be part of the adult party. Simon tells him to put the booze down and wait until he is seventeen just like Simon did when he was a young punk growing up in Australia drinking Fosters and smacking tranni looking street walkers in the ass.

Simon asks Alex if she is planning on playing  extra in the background of LuMan’s tranni video, but Alex says she refuses to participate in some bullshit ass video for an old bitch who thinks her shit don’t stink, even though her breath stinks like shit. Especially when her highness tells the ‘little people’ how to behave  because while this delusional bitch was at the trailer park preparing to marry a rich old man, she never got the memo that you don’t use the word “class” to describe yourself because only bitches that live in double wides try to say that they are “classey”. This is what Alex’s  mama taught her when she used to be a little rich hillbilly girl living in a mansion in Kansas surrounded by maids and servants because Alex’s daddy, who was almost 25 years older than her mama, was an oil tycoon.

So there you have it bitches! Our little awkward Alex comes from old oil money (according to her and I hope this is true!). And if you all dont’ believe her look at Simon’s destroyed liver, that shit must of taken years of drinking plus thousands of dollars to fuck it up, and Alex has his liver in a box in the closet along with the thousands of dollars of fugly ass expensive dresses and Herman Munster shoes,  plus not to mention all those horrific man mumu’s and crazy ass, pleader spandex pants and all of the Rocky Horror picture show S&M wardrobe those fuckers wear. That crapola  must cost thousands and thousands of trustfund dollars, plus all the times they blew money vacationing in St. Barts. Yep, Alex’s inheritance, that’s where these dipshits were getting all that money to party.

Jill jumps on the chance to get a free memory test because she likes free shit. And the beanie on her head is a “good look” for Jill specially if it was a lobotomy cap, then it would be perfect. She asks Sonja to meet her at the doctor’s appointment because that’s what people do when they are discussing being in some cheesey music video  for some desperate bitch that other people feel embarrassed for.

 Gonzo, who is the Senior whore of New York, tells Jill that she doesn’t want to be on this music video because all of the sudden, humping and grinding on young twenty-five year old model guys who may also do side work as male escorts that Gonzo could of easily picked up for an evening of hook up and cheap hooch is a bad example for Gonzo’s nine year old daughter who may see mommy doing these horrible nasty things, but all the other times the bitch was having her cottage cheese crusty ass hanging out while she forgot her panties and grinded on whatever men where present was perfectly okay.

Jill is not buying this bullshit story, and like a good used car salesmen she tells Sonja what she wants to do and insists that Sonja wants to do this music video. Gonzo breaks down and says it was Ramonzon who influenced her to not do the video. “BINGO!’

Meanwhile the poor doctor doing Jills memory work is pointing a gun to his head after hearing the trail of drama dribble out of these bitches psychotic mouths.

Ramonzon and her crazy eyes meet the Countless for an evening of confrontation and bitch slapping.

Actually LuAnn meets Ramona for lunch to convince her to be in LuAnn’s crap de la crap video. It was funny how LuAnn was begging this bitch to be in the video trying to use cult mind control techniques that don’t work on hurricane Ramona, and Ramona spits on LuAnn and says that she is not doing this bullshit ass desperation of old casino whore music video because it will set a bad example for her daughter Avery who disapproves of Ramona doing the video.

Ramona continues her spitfire attacks on LuAnn suggesting  she is a bad mother who only sees her children on the weekends unlike Ramona who lives in the same house with Avery and spends a lot of time in the same house with Avery although  she only sees her for like five minutes a day and this is while she is not sober, so Ramona has no idea what the fuck is going on, but still sees Avery for like five minutes, so that counts as better parenting according to Ramona’s Pinot Grigio injected brain.

LuAss gets pissed that this bitch is here criticizing her awesome Countless parenting skills after all, at least LuAss leaves her children with a hobo unlike Ramona who leaves Avery alone when Ramona is not there. Ramona brings up that she has the perfect family unit and LuAss asks Ramona about Mario and his cheating escapades “And how’s that going, by the way?”. Ramona says that the psychic was wrong and her eighteen- year open marriage is perfect  unlike LuAnn’s ex-husband Count Chocula who cheated on that bitch left and right. LuAnn gets butt hurt and walks out because she knows it’s true.

Ramonzon should of just quit blaming Avery for not being allowed to do the music video and told LuAnn straight up she didn’t want to do her crappy video because she can’t stand LuAssHole and end it at that.

Horse ass teeth Cindy also gave LuAnn a lame ass excuse about not wanting to be in her music video because she was spending time with her children. WITH HER CHILDREN?  You mean with the little people that she has no clue how to deal with? That she ends up pawning them off on Nannies and complaining that they keep her up all night? But I guess that’s what happens if you have children at the age when you really should be having grandchildren, you have no energy or patience on how to deal with them. For some lame reason LuAss accepted Cindy’s excuse for not doing the video.

Cindy and her horse teeth show up to Sonja’s house for some trailer park toaster oven eggs and juice. I have no idea why Sonja invited Cindy over for breakfast on a work day for work horse. Horse teeth Cindy shows up with all her work supplies which she spreads on Gonzo’s counter where she  sets up an office  and proceeds to take a business meeting conference call with all the other dipshits she works with to talk about pubes and while on her conference call Cindy shushes Gonzo, who is busy making Horse Teeth her breakfast.

Yep, Horse Teeth told Gonzo to shut the fuck up in her own damn house! I’m surprised Gonzo didn’t clonk that bitch with a frying pan, but then again she did the next best thing when she cursed her out in front of all her business associates who Cindy had on speaker phone (like an idiot) and Gonzo went off on her all ghetto and shit. I can just see the people in the conference call looking at each other in awkwardness while Cindy is getting the verbal bitch smack when Gonzo is dropping some ‘F” bombs in the background telling Cindy how “Fabulous” she is. That’s beautiful!

I wonder why Cindy had those people on speaker phone while she was acting all rude to Gonzo like that. Did she not think she was being ruuude and would piss off that other bitch who may or may not start yelling at her, did she not think that? Who the fuck goes to somebody else’s house to set up a makeshift office and get on a conference morning call while bossing the hostess around like a peon? WHO DOES THAT? 

How does this bitch even run a business with these asshole manners?  Cindy even pulled her twelve year old assistant out of her pocket and tells Sonja that “she don’t eat” when Sonja tried to pass the assistant some utensils so that Cindy can stuff her mouth.  Either Cindy is too ignorant to know how rude she comes off, or she is just plain rude and can’t help stomp on everyone she comes across with her size fourteen hooves because the bitch looks like she has beast size feet!

 LuAss is getting her poodle-doo for her music video (that only Jill and Kelly agreed to participate in) and of course her mouthy side kick Jill is there with her, bossing peons around, telling the director how to do his job, telling the hair stylist to redo LuAnn’s poodle hair and just sticking her imaginary expertise in everyone’s business(I think the whole crew was plotting her death).

LuAnn brags that she was inspired by a friend to just go out and do the video and of course because that bitch has to brag that she knows all the people who come from royalty she pulls a name out of her ass and says that it was ‘Princess La oum um um’ (she gets quieter when she says the name because she realizes she is going to get caught in her lie) that told her that inspirational shit. Yeah, sure LuAss you’re just best friends with the whole royal platoon you have a freaking secret members card to that elite club and we all believe you! 

The poor bastard video director wants to pull his eyes out  with blades because he has to work with these delusional old skanks (but especially Jill) and to shut them up he tells them that everything is ”great”.  You can tell the director is embarrassed that he agreed to shoot this lame sorry ass excuse for a music video, but when there’s no work anywhere else and you were offered a bag of alley meth plus a half eaten turkey sandwich you take it, even if you have to work for a crazy bitch that thinks she is the next Madonna at age 52 or 62 or however old she is now.

They shoot parts of the video in the back alley of a casino hotel where all the hookers hang out (perhaps this was LuMan’s old stomping grounds?) and the rest in a limo (not a Hummer because LuMan felt a Hummer was not “classy”).  Kelly shows up late to take a shit while running and that’s what she contributed to the video, while Jill contributed by bitching and complaining  a diarrhea trail of stupid complaints the whole time she was there.  

LuMan thinks her video is awesome and she should be  because the director did an excellent job although he was about to jump out of the 17th floor hotel window, the director somehow still manage to capture LuMan’s faded youth, attention whore, desperation wrapped in menopausal delusions of grandeur.

 I don’t think the people who worked for LuAnn can put this down on their resume especially the music director. Putting this video down on their resume may cause them to get laughed out of the business. But as long as LuAnn thinks this is the best music video that was ever made and everyone is not laughing at her, but with her, everything is-A-okay. Just keep thinking that LuAss! Just keep thinking that!

Alex and Simon are having some art gallery situation happening at their Vampire Bordello and Ramona drags Gonzo plus Mario who gets the nipple flash from Gonzo when they all arrive at Silex’s house.  Mario’s eyes pop out. 

Simon is drunk off his ass (again) from the previous seven nights of binge drinking and his ass looks like he hasn’t shaved or taken a bath or changed his holy shirt for a few days now.

Mario then loudly complains about having to drag his spoiled ass to this ghetto Brooklyn neighborhood and the whole room of Brooklyn hood rats look right at him and get offended. Ramona says she is embarrassed, but ya’ all know that  this No Mouth-Filter bitch ain’t embarrassed of shit. She is just scared her and Mario will get jumped by the Brooklyn thugs the minute they walk out to the parking lot and she is planning to take off her shoes and run leaving Mario behind to save her own sorry ass and this is exactly what happened later on that night.

Alex, Ramona and Sonja decide to go take a dance class with Ramona’s daughter Avery because the best  way to avoid the oil of old lady music video the Countless tried to sucker them into is by doing their best old drunken bitch dance while wearing raggedy ass clothes from the butthole of the 80′s Menopausal hot flash dance closet.

It’s winter in New York  and Sonja  is wearing that hat that makes her head look like a  furry giant dildo. Ramona is with her also and she dragged her daughter Avery with her. The three of them are  shopping at some store for retired 75 year old casino prostitutes who are trying to bring back their faded glory (just like Gonzo in every episode) because once again bankrupt Gonzo who is one Bravo paycheck away from ‘shaking a can in the streets’, is throwing yet, another expensive party she really needs to throw, just  like she needs a hole in her  fat-head.

Gonzo is trying to bad influence Avery into wearing some slut lingerie and come to the party with all these crazy old bitches. Avery of course is horrified and wondering how she got suckered into coming to this store with her mother and this crazy bitch in the first place! This is child abuse unfolding in front of our eyes people! I feel for Avery!

After throwing up a little in her mouth, Avery puts her foot down and tells Gonzo that she ain’t going partying with a bunch of old bitches, who are trying to desperately  hold on to their fleeing youth and if Avery shows up, there is the danger that her beautiful young eyes may bleed to death by seeing the horror of her parents and all the party goers (who to someone Avery’s age, are are all old farts getting ready to collect social security) humping on each other because ya’ all know damn well the evening will end in an orgy and Avery may become a virgin human sacrifice, and not because they would sacrifice her, but because after her eyes bleed she would start convulsing and throwing up violently and finally exploding.

Plus, I am sure that Avery senses that showing up to something like this puta-orgy Gonzo is throwing, can make a person catch a venereal disease. Not to mention permanent diarrhea by just being there and breathing the fumes of dinosaurs trying to mate. As a matter of fact I think just watching Gonzo trying desperately be sexy gives people bleeding of the eyes and violent diarrhea (and this is just from watching this ho’ on TV) so Avery is very smart to decline Gonzo’s invitation to this Old Bitch Underwear Parading Display of Scary.

Avery  is obviously more modest and has more common sense than these two 50 year old desperate bitches that is, Sonja and her mom, who are trying to bad influence young Miss Avery.  What is  wrong with this picture?

Then they start talking to a sales person whom Ramona can’t tell if it is a man or a woman and since Ramonzon is fearful of the unknown she hides under a table thinking the tranni is gonna get her. Ramona notices that drag queen-dude looks like Sonja’s twin and Sonja even admits it!

Sonja is so in love with herself that when she sees that man, wo-man, drag -queen oorr tranni? Uuuhhh?! It doesn’t matter what he or she is, what matters is that  Gonzo is so in luuuuve with herself that when sees this sales person she is smitten by this thing of beauty that looks like her twin sister! Ramona is frightened of the salesperson and continues hiding under the table and closing her eyes hoping it will go away.

Jill is taking the train to the college her daughter Ally ran away to (and who can blame her). Ally says that she is a vegetarian that eats chicken and fish because chicken and fish count as vegetables. Jill is confused by this and decides to verify that with the waiter because waiters are licensed to answer these types of questions.

Even though Jill is a royal pain in the ass you gotta love her daughter Ally. She decides to drop a bomb on Jill, and inform her crazy mother that she is taking a class on sexual theory or some shit like that Jill asks her if she is planning on choosing a career as a ‘pornographer’. Alley tells her mom she plans to become a sex columnist, but since Jill brought up a career in pornography Alley says she is now going to become the next female porn director. God bless her! Not only did she just cause Jill to shart in her granny panties, but she is doing something good for the world. I hope Alley only cast hot men for her flicks.

Jill continues to try and control everything Ally does, she even tells this girl whom I believe is over 20 now how to dress. It’s funny how you can tell Alley has learned to deal with her mothers bullshit and just brushes her off, but knows how to piss her off with things that Jill has no control over, like becoming a ‘pornographer’. NICE!

LuAnn is teaching her daughter Victoria how to drive because the best time to teach a teenager how to drive is when it’s the middle of winter when the roads are icy and your teenager just got done smoking a bowl to calm her nerves down.

After Victoria tries to give her mom a heart attack, by going 85 on a slippery parking lot because it’s funny,  she decides to stop taunting her mother. After all, it looks like Victoria has gone on a joyride or two or maybe three before.

Ramona is meeting with her little mother Avery. Who is sick and tired of parenting  drunken ass Ramona and skirt-chasing Mario. She complains that she is left home alone with no dinner and these two dip-shits, don’t tell her, or call her, or text her to let her know  where they are at past 9:30. Ramona is getting embarrassed and kicking Avery under the table to shut up. Damn Ramona you mean you don’t even leave your kid a can opener and some Spaghettios?

Ramona tries to kiss Avery’s ass by saying something stupid about how she is going to make Avery a good breakfast when she takes her PSAT test and how she is going to prepare Avery for them. Avery informs her flaky-ass, too-drunk-to-notice, what the fuck is going on mom that she already took those test a while back and even got her test results back.  She even had to take herself to her dental appointments and buy groceries.

I guess the tests and all that other fun stuff must of happened when Ramona took off to Morocco and disappeared for weeks. Avery didn’t see her or Mario for like three weeks. Ramona forgot to tell Avery she was going to Morocco. Mario also forgot to tell Avery Ramona bailed to Morocco because he was with his twenty four year old girlfriend somewhere. I think Avery just now learned this year Ramona went to Morocco when the episode aired.

However, she is very smart, so right after she gave Ramona a lecture on being a responsible parent she reads to her drunken ass mom some paper she wrote were she kissed her mom’s ass and calls her a ‘role model’. See this way she makes sure she gets her trust funds and inheritance and whatever she has coming from her parents even though she chewed Ramona out for being a flake and absent drunken parent who leaves Avery alone for days at a time. Good move Avery! Good move! First slap her, then kiss her. This way you are sure to get that trust fund. Shit, I be doing the same dang thing too!

Sonja is hanging out with her fat buddy Chris March again whose main objective to show up was to loot her fridge and take all the government cheese Gonzo’s being hoarding. Yes Bitches! It’s come to this, first she can’t upkeep or remodel her house that’s stuck in the butt-hole of the 80′s along with Sonja’s memories of being a real socialite, next she has to clean her own toilets and do her own dishes, all while shit is crumbling around her plus the smell of dog pee adorns the air and she tries to keep up the appearances of an aristocrat by hiring  those so-called ‘interns’ that are her pretend-servants who are really just homeless run-away kids Gonzo picked up sleeping at the train station and she offered them a meal and a bed. And, we all know she’s making them sleep in her bed too.

Poor Sonja I guess marrying a rich old fart it’s not all that is cracked up to be if you’re just going to end up on the street toothless, shaking a can and harassing nice dressed people who are trying to eat their lunch on a nice  side-walk trendy Bistro  for a quarter, while trying to earn points with them as you tell them your old gold digger stories about how you used to dine with royalty and had servants at your beck and call. Hopefully Ramona will just come out of the closet and marry Sonja so she can support her with her Pinot Moonshine Wino Wine.

Gonzo is wearing her outfit  backwards (I guess that’s the first sign of Alzheimer’s) and Chris points it out, Gonzo brags that her nipples have their own zip-code. Bitch is all dazed and confused prancing around and skipping, singing some stupid shit from her days as a house bitch and says she’s going to horrify everyone with a special half-woman, half-bird burlesque performance to give people horrible nightmares of a bird with a giant cottage cheese-ass raping them with a hairy giant dildo. That’s pretty fucking horrible! But at least her hair already looks like a bird’s nest.

Ramona shows up dragging a suitcase full of Pinot Moonshine and Gonzo decided to tell her about her burlesque bird flu performance, which pretty much consists of a diarrhea trail of insults against all the other bitches.

Kelly and LuAnn are out on a date. Together. And LuAnn has to read the menu and order the drinks for Kelly because she’s illiterate.

Kelly is asking LuAnn advice on love and blah blah blah and asks LuAnn if there was ever a time she felt like a total ass. LuAss pulls a story out of her butthole about how she met Prince Harry at some king of Greece’s son’s Christening and he left her hanging when he blew her off after this dumb bitch tried to get him to kiss her hand.  I bet Cat from the RHODC is yelling at her Telly shouting something like this (but in a more ‘English’ type of way),  HE DISSED YOU I FUCKED HIM YOU BLOODIE TWAT! Yeaah, because that’s much better.

LuAnn then meets with that tool she’s been paying to do her new 1930′s style rap song. He is wearing his dark glasses like last time because he is lying to her and can’t look at her straight in the eye when he tells her she sounds ‘cool’.

Then, Jill shows up, but that bitch can lie so she doesn’t need to wear sunglasses she can easily pretend she is enjoying LuMan’s music. LuMan sounds like some old stuffy dude trying to land a rap song:”Attention: Jill bring your jewelry, Cindy bringthose crystals. Ramona bring that Pinot. Sonja, her man. Kelly, the jelly beans, Alex and Simon. And I’ll bring the diamonds.”

Jillious decides she needs to put her 50-cent in and starts giving advice on redoing the song and tells coked-out music producer tool how to do his job. As she continues irritating the shit out of everyone in the room. The ‘you’re an asshole music’ begins playing and continues as  she keeps talking.  You can tell that music producer dude wants shut-slap her ass. It’s funny shit.

The Burlesque Show Of Nightmares Starting Gonzo As The Swan That Went Wrong

Sonja shows up with Ramona and Mario who is dressed like some Villain from the  1800′s and Ramona is missing the tray of cigars and cigarettes that goes with her outfit.

Jill points out that Gonzo is a broke ass and wonders where she gets all this money to throw all these parties and lavish expensive shindigs.

Mario drools on some scary bitches teeties.  Simon shows up dressed like the 3 ring circus leader of this menopausal bitch platoon. He  has some kind of monkey-jizz on his mustache to make it stick and look like an old-timey mustache.

Poopie Lapoop is talking shit about the half naked  guy that’s wearing only suspenders (I guess he must be Brian’s date)  that’s running around the party and Ramona is drooling on him, I think she needs a bib. I guess Ramona and Mario know who they are each taking home for the evening.

Simon decides it’s time to chase Jill around and harass her into talking to him and Jill screams and runs as she pretends she is scared of Simon when he pops up behind her and Kelly while the two bitches are having a conversation.

Simon continues to chase Jill around until he finally corners her and Bawby comes to the rescue. It all ends up with Simon giving an award winning drunken performance (that doofus was super drunk that night, I could smell his hooch-breath through the TV) when he cries and tells Jill he loves her and proceeds to kiss her ass then goes into speech mode blah,blah, blah. What the fuck was he trying to secure a swingers meeting between him Alex, Jill and Bawby? I know I have a dirty mind! Jill tells Simon she forgives him but, will continue to kick him in the balls.

We get to see some skinny bitch dancing in old-timey granny panties and ends up taking off her top and shaking her pasties.  At first I thought she was topples under that! Mario is sitting there getting a boner and trying to hide it with Jill’s tiny-ity-bity little hat (because that fit the little prize) then he shoves dollar bills in the dancer’s big ass underwear and tries to take that chick  with the perky teeties home, but she turns him down and instead he ends up taking home that scary blonde chick with the huge scary tatas that have varicose veins in them.

Cindy shows up towards the end of the party wearing nothing but her underwear and big ass teeth to yell something about sucking a ‘golden cock’ or some shit.

And finally it’s time for that scary ass performance by Gonzo that’s supposed to give everyone that watches it bleeding of the eyes and permanent nightmares with diarrhea for the rest of their lives.

Gonzo has now fully changed into her dirty-bird outfit made out of chicken feathers and toilet paper.  She is also suffering from some weird ass delusional episode of still being an aristocrat and believes in her mind that there is French royalty present at this party. CUCKOO!!

While Gonzo is performing this horrendous whatchamacallit, I don’t even know what this is that she is doing, she is calling these bitches ‘snitches’ telling them to go out the door and all this crazy insulting shit. It was funny how she arranged to give a performance to insult and clown on the people that came to see it. IT WAS GENIOUS!  Jill gets all offended and says that this bitch is making fun of all of them! Wow Jill is so perceptive!

At the end of the night everyone that watched the dirty bird performance got suddenly ill with violent vomiting and diarrhea plus bleeding of the eyes. Everyone left in an ambulance. Avery was glad she didn’t show up.

Jill Zarin stated last week that Mario Singer physically pushed her. Lots of people don’t believe the drama queen but I think that maybe Mario wanted to push that bitch, and maybe he even got a hard-on fantasizing that he shoved her. Everyone in the cast has fantasized the same thing at one point, I’m sure.

Here is what Jill told People, “Last weekend, he shoved me. I was at a friends house for a dinner party,” Jill said of Mario, who also attended the premiere. “I was on line for the buffet … and Mario started screaming at me, uncontrollably. And then he pushed me – he shoved me with his hand. He was blaming me for his wife coming off badly on the show. He repeated things he thinks I said that he didn’t like.”

Although I do not agree with Jillious Zarin about the whole debacle of Mario shoving her fat ass, I do believe he must of gotten up in that bitche’s face all crazy because she does bring that out in people.  Methinks that Mario being the animated character that he is (and possibly coked out and drunk) must of being flinging his arms around like a monkey with rabies and was possibly getting up in her face and pointing at Jill and since Jill has an imagination that can take wings and fly she imagined  Mario putting his hands on her, and  with a little exaggeration, (like Ramona stated)  her ass came out and said he shoved her. Plus her two paid assistants stuck up for her, to add to the drama and feed Jill’s delusions. But, if Mario would of really shoved her I believe her ass would of being calling the cops and ‘Bawby’. So no I don’t think he shoved her.

Also the rumors have been swirling that the entire cast of the RHONY will be replaced because producers feel these bitches are tired and too pedestrian so they want to bring in bitches with mo’ money that have mo’ drama. But, it seems that the only ones who will be clipped may be boring ass Cindy Barshop (whose only contribution to the show is to sit there with her mouth wide open in shock) and Alex Mccord the two are denying that their ass is getting the boot.

The last string of post are all late recaps that I dind’t get to post because of the limited time I have. Starting with episode 5 on to 7. More late recaps coming up. Enjoy.

LuAnn decides to invite Sonja to lunch, to discuss a girl’s getaway in the hopes to have another Scary Island fuckdown. Gonzo shows up to the lunch date at some fancy schmancy restaurant looking tacky as usual and the waiter almost kicks that bitch out.  He thought she was a homeless bag-weirdo that wondered in from the street because of the roadkill mangy getup that bitch was wearing. 

Gonzo says she wants to go to Italy for the Truffle festival because ‘everyone’ that can afford it, is going to be there. But, Bravo is on a budget and tired to forking out the bill for these bitches expensive trips, plus LuAnn must be pitching in and the bitch must  have some free flier miles to the economy  version of Paris which, is Morocco.  So LuAnn tells that bitch that beggars can’t be choosers and that all they can afford is Morocco, after all this is a free trip to the ghetto Paris of Europe so her ass better shut up and enjoy it.

LuAnn also makes sure to invite all the other house skanks on this trip, with the hopes that there will be a bitch smack-down Scary Island style and hopefully Kelly will be there too. (Even thought LuAnn says she don’t want Kelly there you know that’s bullshit because they all want to clown on that bitch).

Since LuAnn is the official concierge for Morocco and the self appointed bitch platoon leader she decides to wrangle in all the other bitches and so they are all off to Morocco to cause some shit. Great, now the United States is going to be at war with Morocco. LuAnn warns Ramona to not screw up this trip for everyone and that if she plans to flip out during the trip her ass can stay at home on time-out.

LuAss wants Ramonzon and Jillious to kiss and make up before going on this trip. Then LuAnn shoves a $1.50 key-chain clip on Koala in Ramona’s mouth that Jill gave Ramona to show her that she luuuuuvvees her to death. Literally!

LuAnn then tells Ramona that she looks unhappy and like she sleeps with the devil at night. I wonder if Mario knows he is the devil? After that, LuAnn warns Ramona that her friendship with Jill could end up in the toilet, like  the Jill/Bethenny friendship. Unless Ramona calls Jill up to kiss her ass and make up.

Gonzo decides to do a cooking book, (not another one of those!) about cooking in a $5 dollar busted toaster oven that was picked at the Salvation Army. However, this ‘cook-book’ will not be having any recipes whatsoever, it will only have pictures of Gonzo’s scary ass, corpse-cooch because the bitch decided to do a complete smut-photo-shoot centerfold of her rotted va-jay-jay that will take up the entire book.

Gonzo invited Kelly over to freak her out while doing the vajay-jay photo-shoot.  Gonzo flashes Kelly several times and Kelly is disgusted and appalled so she runs out of Gonzo’s house screaming in traumatized horror. While wearing her pant-less, underwear-less outfit.

Later on LuAnn Kelly and Jill show up to hangout with Cindy for some much needed ass-waxing sessions. 

Kelly starts complaining and crying to the other bitches  about how traumatized she is about seeing Gonzo’s infested corpse-crotch.  They all start talking shit about Gonzo flashing that thing and how horrible it must of been for poor Kelly. Who is more nuts now as the result of this.

 Kelly says she has never seen a woman’s cooch in her life. LuAss wonders how that bitch never seen a cooch but then she realizes that since Kelly doesn’t have one, it makes perfect sense that she’s never seen one.

 LuAnn also says that the reason for Sonja’s cooch-flashing shenanigans is because she learned that shit from hanging around Ramonzon and drinking her Pinot-Moonshiner Backwoods Hooch. I call bullshit on that. Gonzo was already a member of the Old-Hags Gone Wild Club and she’s been flashing her muff way before I was even born.

Kelly then out of the blue-balls-whim starts crying about being in abusive relationships were she is the one doing the ass-kicking and getting hauled away to the male-jail for punching sissy men in the face. Kelly says the worst part was that in men-prison she only met “sharks, minnows, and bottom feeders”. LuAnn holds Kelly and cries with her.

This is were the blondes and brunettes divide started, on the other side of town all the blondes have gathered together for some plastic surgery gone wrong therapy.

Alex says that since she became a model she has to take better care of her skin and so she quit smoking crack. After that, they all get botox injections from a  dirty needle they are all sharing and passing around, that came from the OC bitches biohazard trash.

Gonzo has the fat sucked out of her stomach to avoid sit-ups.

 The discussions turns to the Morocco trip and drug smuggling vaginas.

Kelly says she doesn’t want to go to Morocco because of her fuckdown she had  last time, and she is tired of having to sneak her meth in her Vagina Monocles on the plane when she goes to other countries because the show may turn into ‘Arrested Abroad’. Finally Kelly Looney Tunes admits the real reason for her fear of going on this trip is mainly because of ranging drunken Ramonzon who is only half Kelly Behemoths size but can take her down because when it comes to size, Ramonzon is like a wolverine she is an 80 pound animal that can take on a 200 pound Gorilla. Kelly is the Gorilla.

The other bitches really want Kelly to come (for entertainment, so she can go ball-shits crazy like last time), and Kelly decides to think about it.

Jill is having an anti-bullying fundraiser of some form, for children that are still too young for her to bully. So she will have to wait until their 18. Then she can bully them. Alex shows up to stuff gift bags to this event and Jill warns Alex to keep her pit-bull Ramonzon on a short leash while at the fundraiser.

Ramonzon arrives armed with a case of Pinot Bathtub Moonshine, that is supposed to be donated to the event but the bitch ends up guzzling almost the whole thing by herself before she even arrives.  Ramonzon keeps getting hammered and verbally abusing everyone around her, this includes Jill and the waiters who are now traumatized. Then she goes on a bitch slapping rampage.

LuAnn shows up to save the day and is excited to show up at a fundraiser for bullying so that she can start bullying all the other bitches present. But, specially Ramona whom she walks up to and smacks her in the back of her fat head, for  kidnapping and keeping  designer David Meister in her basement while hogging him from the other bitches and forcing him to spin gold in a wheel while making her old-whore outfits from Satan’s hair.

After a little more slapping around LuAnn tells Ramona no one wants to go with Ramona on this trip to Moroco-co because of her crazy drunken ass and the fact that she scares people. Alex stands by Ramona like her trained bitch ready to jump LuAnn.  Ramonzon finally erupts at LuAnn yelling “I have to answer to you now?”.  It seems that ever since LuAss lost her Countess bought title she has to compensate by bossing and bullying bitches around 110 times more than she did before.

LuAnn insist that Jill confronts Ramona and puts the smack down on that bitch in front of all the guest that payed $200 for a table at this bitch-bullying event. Jill refuses to confront Ramona because she is scared of her and LuAnn stands there taunting Jill about how her big fat ass is scared of Ramona who is burly five feet tall.  I’m sure LuAnn has a chapter in her book that talks about confronting bitches while at charity events and also taunting them into a fight just for shits and giggles because that’s  ‘assy-classy’ just like LuAss.

Kelly Bensimoron arrives pantless, late  and full of meth like always. Then she loudly announces to everybody and their momma that Bravo will fire her punk ass if she doesn’t go to Moroco-co and make a fool of herself.

Ramonzon gets more slurry incoherent and drunk as always and LuAss berates her for having a drinking problem since now the bitch has to haul around a case of vino to stay drunk all day. I have to agree with Countless LuAss, that bitch does have a drinking problem but that’s why she all sorts of scary fun.

Kelly stands there pant-less and telling Ramonzon to wear a longer skirt because she can see her butt-cheeks. Ramona is too drunk to care and when lunch is served and Jill’s stepdaughter Jennifer  gives a speech (Jennifer was bullied as a child and has a condition with her face, I’m not being a clown to this girl) stupid ass Ramona sits there calling the girls face ’deformed’ and yelling at the designer some nonsensical bullshit about her Pinot-Hooch.  And for the first time I sided with Jill because she looked truly hurt by Ramonzon’s insensitive comment at her stepdaughter. That was harsh. Even Alex is pissed off  and embarrassed at that bitches stupidity and lack of sensitivity. Unbelievable!