Part one of this bitch slap fest began with Andy asking Ramona about her false alarm pregnancy and questions that bitche’s delusions on being capable of getting preggers with old ass dusty eggs. The brunettes roll their eyes when Ramona adamantly defends her so-called ‘young uterus’ and states AGAIN that she could of been pregnant, then she announces she is on her period. Maybe her last one, but it’s till her period.

After a diarrhea trail of fight clips, about how these hags love to pick fights at the ‘wrong place and wrong time,” we are dragged down memory lane to rehash the bitch slap fest where Sonja, Alex and Simon got into that mosh pit of a fight over the gay rights thingy that Simon was supposed to speak at, and Gonzo totally crapped on the podium making it impossible for Simon to give his speech without slipping on Sonja’s runny shit.

So to stir the shit pot and get the blondes at each other’s throat Miss Andy asks Sonja why she didn’t allow Simon to speak at the gay-rights event. Sonja and Alex discuss the events that took place and Sonja blames someone named bleep for the so called speech hijack Alex makes a weird ass comment about this person named  bleep and you can tell Alex is making all kinds of silly excuses and covering for Gonzo (probably the same way she makes excuses for Simon when he is yelling at her in cars) because for some reason now she doesn’t want to piss the Gonzo off and be out of the blonde gang.

Meanwhile the brunettes are talking shit among each other and somehow the insanity demons that control cooco for coco puffs Kelly’s mouth muttered the truth when she spewes out that ( I know scary)  Alex is sitting there allowing Sonja to insult her husband on national TV and just brushes it off like it’s no big deal. Magically and without splanation (misspelled on purpose!) Gonzo and Alex are suddenly besties and none of this shit matters because it was all a BIG misunderstanding and aliens took the real Sonja for a couple of weeks then brought her back and it was also bleeps fault! So not Sonja’s fault! Miss Andy keeps trying to poke the beast in the eyeball and brings up the fight where Gonzo threw that bitch out of her house for dressing like an S&M whore.  Again, all we get is Alex making up more lame excuses for Gonzo and saying that they “are good now” and the brunettes roll up their eyes at this display of bullshit. Kelly tries to explain the fight and what took place, but she can’t make sense or put sentences together so she just makes herself look like the incoherent mentally ill nut job she is, like always.

Alex tries to say that if it wasn’t for the useless fight they had,  marriage equality would of never been passed in the state of New York! Yeah, I guess thanks to the house flies of New York gay man can legally marry all credit goes to these screaming menopausal twats. REALLY? REALLY BITCH YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT? I guess we are all stupid here and are expected to believe that spoonful of horse shit just like the time she said she came from oil money. RIIIGHT!! OOOKKAAYY THEN!! Alex tries to say that bleep agrees with this and I suppose that’s why he doesn’t want Bravo to say his name on TV or admit he knows these skanks.

Because Jill is a grade A asshole  and I guess in charge of asking the questions now because she can take over Andy like that; she uses her king size ladle to stir that shit cauldron (still trying to get Alex and Sonja to scrap on each other) and asks Gonzo how she felt when Simon got up on her face. Jill is salivating at the mouth hoping those two ho’s will be swinging a bat at each other, but no such luck.

Kelly is asked why she calls Alex “inauthentic” and “weird” and she points out that Alex gets red blotches on her skin when she tries to argue with people. And Kelly says it’s because “I’m nice and I care” and “Cosmo voted me the ‘5 Most Nice Celebrity’”! Alex was sitting there thinking WFUCK? HUH?! What does this have to do with anything? Alex starts turning all blotchy again and Kelly starts freaking out like the baboon she is and pointing it out and shit; and Alex still can’t get her point across. Next.

Time to ask Gonzo why the fuck she is so delusional and lives in her wealthy past pretending she still rich when she is actually a broke ass and looking like a fool after getting sued for that John Travolta movie that never got made. Sonja then loses her shit and cries because her marriage felt apart and it wasn’t the financial stuff that hurts it’s the marriage and the fact that it fell apart. Now, that bitch deserves an academy award. I would be crying the same way too if I lost my big ass paycheck like that. Good thing she is saying all this bullshit about how she loved her husband and he was kind blah, blah, blah. See this way in case other future potential sugar daddies are watching this she may be able to fool them and think she is actually marrying them because of love and not gold digging their ass. That’s good.

Gonzo is asked why all the lavish parties at fancy restaurants  if she is so broke, but Gonzo defends that by saying she gives the restaurant’s publicity because she is a “restaurant consultant”. I didn’t know waitresses are called “restaurant consultants” now. I’m sure those restaurants love being associated with the loud mouth screaming bitch fest followed by a camera crew filming this circus these bitches bring to their restaurants. NICE!

Sonja confronts Kelly on calling her house dirty and disorganized, but Kelly doesn’t back-down and insist Gonzo lives in a pigsty.  Just to deny it minutes later confusing Miss Andy. Even LuMan tries to back Gonzo up by calling Kelly’s original comment inappropriate.

Andy calls Kelly out about her house and asks her who paid for it and Kelly admits it was her sugar papa (the one that dumped her for being crazy) and the bitch says she is not calling Sonja out on who paid for her house, but more on her house being dirty. Kelly is lucky her sugar papa paid for that house or else this bitch would be homeless and having to give hobos hand jobs for a hit of their crack pipe.

Cindy who’s been sitting there saying nothing the whole time with her horse teeth sticking out of her wide open mouth being dead weight like usual suddenly jumps in and agrees with Kelly that Gonzo is delusional and puts on “airs”. Cindy tells Gonzo that she shouldn’t act like her shit don’t stink and look down on people and then expect people to feel sorry for her when her face hits the pavement.

Next Miss Andy brings up Ramonzon’s Pinot Grigio addiction and Jill makes a snide remark about the whole fiasco with Ramona wearing white to that one wedding. Alex tries to jump in, just to be told by Jillious to shut the fuck up  and stay out of it ending with Jill calling her a “fucking bitch”. Jill has changed. Into a bigger bitch.  HA HA HA!!!

Bethenny gets brought up and Jilliousy tries to say that the other ho’s were jealous of her relationship with Beth and insinuates that Ramona wasn’t helping. Andy is confused again because he has FOOTAGE of Ramonzon trying to arrange a meeting between the Skynny Girl and Jilliousy to fix things up, but asshole Jilliousy didn’t want to work it out, her plan to fuck with Beth’s emotions for a minute backfired and Beth got tired of the mindfuck games Jilliousy was playing so Beth said FUCK YOU! And walked and now Jilliousy is just pissed because her manipulation little games didn’t work on Beth. That’s why she is sad the friendship wasn’t salvaged. Not because she loved Bethenny. But whatevs she’s got 120 million a hot man and a baby. Happiness is the best revenge. Jilliousy tries to say she is scared of Bethenny and hopes Bethenny is scared of her too! Not so much bitch!

Ramona is confronted on her big mouth with no filter and she tries to say that she doesn’t say shit to be mean she is honest or whatever. So she just does it to help people, right?

The day that Miss Andy lost his shit!

The brunettes keep shutting up and beating the shit out of Alex calling her a fucking idiot and what not. And Jill accuses Mario of being a cheater while Ramona says that Jill’s husband is not as good as Mario.  And when the men get brought up bitches be going crazy so Ramona and Jilliousy channel their inner 5th grader and start calling each other loser, LOSER! LOOOSER!!! LOOOSER!! It all went to apeshit town and Andy kept trying to ask questions, but these “BEAST” wouldn’t “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” And Miss Andy lost his shit and yelled at them to “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!”  “BEAST ALL OF YOU!”. HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That was a beautiful moment! I knew someday this would happen. I wonder if next time he is going to roll up those cards he holds, like a newspaper, and smack them in the head like a dog that  peed on the couch. That was a whole lot of crazy.

Next we see a montage of the blondes and Gonzo’s Jello ass. Andy asks Sonja why she is a nasty ho’ who keeps loosing her panties and insisting on showing her dry “vagonja” Why does he even asks her this? She already admitted to being embarrassed for being broke than for being portrayed as a crazy horny  bitch that likes to put her ass on display.  So being an exhibitionist ho’ is perfectly fine and not embarrassing, but being a broke ass is.

Kelly accuses Sonja’s “vagonja” of being “rude” to Kelly while at the vagina toaster oven photo shoot. Sonja’s “vagonja” queefs out an insult at Kelly and admits that she was just being “honest” and called Kelly a dick. That’s why Kelly is permanently traumatized and scarred beyond repair by Sonja’s “vagonja”.

Next Bravo tries to convince us Kelly isn’t crazy and they are hopping we forgot her “breakthrough” at Scary Island by showing us a trail of Kelly scenes where they try to edit the bitch as  sane and the “voice of reason,” but it fails. Miserably.

Kelly gets called out by Alex on the whole henna tattoo incident and talking shit about Gonzo’s pig sty. Kelly says she doesn’t know what this bitch is talking about and keeps treating Alex like an idiot while Alex keeps breaking into boiled lobster hives. This can’t be healthy for this bitch if she comes back next season for more abuse, then she is an idiot because these bitches keep “railroading” over her.

Andy brings up Kelly’s past relationship where she claimed she was beat up by the boyfriend and Kelly says she doesn’t want to talk about it and that her ex-husband “saved” her. But the whole thing with her beating that one guy up gets swept under the rug.

Kelly also says she is not jealous of Bethenny who can now crush her with her 120 million dollar wallet. I wonder if Kelly convinced herself yet that she is NOT jealous of Beth.

Now it’s time to fuck with Horse Teeth and we see a montage of her teeth. And the shit starts between Ramona and Cindy over the whole cigar and dead mans suit argument and Ramona asks Andy is he would wear a dead man’s suit and Andy is all EEWWW!! NO! Alex keeps trying to stick her spoon in just to get told again to shut the fuck up and stay out of it this time by Cindy and Alex yells bitch “YOU NEED TO GET LAID!”. HA HA HA HA!!! TRUE! She acts a little tense doesn’t she? Was the last time her “vagonja” got some action when they got those babies out of there? So is this mean since Cindy owns those pubey waxing spas (and she must get waxed all the time) her “vagonja” is all waxed up and nowhere to go? HA HA HA!!!

And Cindy sits these with her horse teeth sticking out of her mouth AGAIN while flies are going in and out and says NOTHING because she knows Alex is right.

Cindy then confronts Gonzo on the “pecking order” comment, but Jill pulls her leash back because for some reason she doesn’t want Cindy going after Gonzo. WEIRD!

Then the “conference call” in the kitchen that ruined the breakfast gets brought up and Cindy insist she wasn’t being rude and Gonzo knew about the call. Kelly takes Cindy’s side and the Countless says Horse Teeth was rude to take that call and she is appalled. Cindy even barks at LuAss when she tries to tell her to chill and she looks like she is about to chew each of these bitches heads off and shit down their necks. Doesn’t LuAss know that you don’t try to calm a beast down when it’s all riled up or it will bite you?

Then Ramona and LuAss get into it about Ramona calling LuAnn a bad mother and what-not, then she keeps on bringing up how many times LuAnn’s daughter Victoria has moved schools and Jill then goes apeshit and yells at Ramona to stop fucking with people’s kids or she will tear her a new asshole. To be continued.

 (I don’t know how the title of this recrap sounds in French, but anytime I can find and use a new curse word in a foreign language I’m going to throw it in there. Enjoy!)

Ramona and Sonja go to the gym and get hit on by an old  crusty man. Gonzo gets all excited and asks the old fart how much money he has and if he needs a date for the evening, but he turns her down so she gets sad and says goodbye to her possible could of been future ex-husband.

Also, while at the gym Ramona brags to  Gonzo  about what a wonderful mother she is to her daughter Avery (you know the one that complains that her and Mario are never around past 9:30pm) unlike LuAss who is only a weekend mother and who loves to slut around with every Tom, Dick and Harry-Balls in her pathetic music videos. Ramona brings up how LuAnn’s son Noel’s face fell out of embarrassment when he saw his mother laying around on “Money Can’t Buy You Class It Can Only Buy You Ass” video with a gang-bang of naked hot gay guys. How embarrassing!

Gonzo who is the old whore of New York says she didn’t think LuMan’s video was a slut flick, but Ramonzon insist that LuAnn’s video is Evil and she is sending a whore message that Ramonzon doesn’t agree with. Gonzo who is one Bravo paycheck away from the homeless shelter decides she will go along with Ramona’s bullshit this one time (you know just in case Ramona decides to come out of the closet and let Sonja move in with her and Mario!) and so decides she is not going to be on this video either.

Alex and Simon are having some kind of a hobo-barbecue complete with the package of 8 hot dogs for 99 cents, plus generic brand beer and Kool Aid. Alex dances around with the hot-dogs, trying to be sexy and fails miserably. Her son little Frankie who is now wearing his own Ride The Lightning Metallica shirt, innocently smacks her in the ass probably the same way he’s seen his drunken dad do that before many many times and Simon tells him to quit smacking what he can’t afford or some shit like that. It was freaking hilarious, then his little crazy ass  decides to go find some booze to be part of the adult party. Simon tells him to put the booze down and wait until he is seventeen just like Simon did when he was a young punk growing up in Australia drinking Fosters and smacking tranni looking street walkers in the ass.

Simon asks Alex if she is planning on playing  extra in the background of LuMan’s tranni video, but Alex says she refuses to participate in some bullshit ass video for an old bitch who thinks her shit don’t stink, even though her breath stinks like shit. Especially when her highness tells the ‘little people’ how to behave  because while this delusional bitch was at the trailer park preparing to marry a rich old man, she never got the memo that you don’t use the word “class” to describe yourself because only bitches that live in double wides try to say that they are “classey”. This is what Alex’s  mama taught her when she used to be a little rich hillbilly girl living in a mansion in Kansas surrounded by maids and servants because Alex’s daddy, who was almost 25 years older than her mama, was an oil tycoon.

So there you have it bitches! Our little awkward Alex comes from old oil money (according to her and I hope this is true!). And if you all dont’ believe her look at Simon’s destroyed liver, that shit must of taken years of drinking plus thousands of dollars to fuck it up, and Alex has his liver in a box in the closet along with the thousands of dollars of fugly ass expensive dresses and Herman Munster shoes,  plus not to mention all those horrific man mumu’s and crazy ass, pleader spandex pants and all of the Rocky Horror picture show S&M wardrobe those fuckers wear. That crapola  must cost thousands and thousands of trustfund dollars, plus all the times they blew money vacationing in St. Barts. Yep, Alex’s inheritance, that’s where these dipshits were getting all that money to party.

Jill jumps on the chance to get a free memory test because she likes free shit. And the beanie on her head is a “good look” for Jill specially if it was a lobotomy cap, then it would be perfect. She asks Sonja to meet her at the doctor’s appointment because that’s what people do when they are discussing being in some cheesey music video  for some desperate bitch that other people feel embarrassed for.

 Gonzo, who is the Senior whore of New York, tells Jill that she doesn’t want to be on this music video because all of the sudden, humping and grinding on young twenty-five year old model guys who may also do side work as male escorts that Gonzo could of easily picked up for an evening of hook up and cheap hooch is a bad example for Gonzo’s nine year old daughter who may see mommy doing these horrible nasty things, but all the other times the bitch was having her cottage cheese crusty ass hanging out while she forgot her panties and grinded on whatever men where present was perfectly okay.

Jill is not buying this bullshit story, and like a good used car salesmen she tells Sonja what she wants to do and insists that Sonja wants to do this music video. Gonzo breaks down and says it was Ramonzon who influenced her to not do the video. “BINGO!’

Meanwhile the poor doctor doing Jills memory work is pointing a gun to his head after hearing the trail of drama dribble out of these bitches psychotic mouths.

Ramonzon and her crazy eyes meet the Countless for an evening of confrontation and bitch slapping.

Actually LuAnn meets Ramona for lunch to convince her to be in LuAnn’s crap de la crap video. It was funny how LuAnn was begging this bitch to be in the video trying to use cult mind control techniques that don’t work on hurricane Ramona, and Ramona spits on LuAnn and says that she is not doing this bullshit ass desperation of old casino whore music video because it will set a bad example for her daughter Avery who disapproves of Ramona doing the video.

Ramona continues her spitfire attacks on LuAnn suggesting  she is a bad mother who only sees her children on the weekends unlike Ramona who lives in the same house with Avery and spends a lot of time in the same house with Avery although  she only sees her for like five minutes a day and this is while she is not sober, so Ramona has no idea what the fuck is going on, but still sees Avery for like five minutes, so that counts as better parenting according to Ramona’s Pinot Grigio injected brain.

LuAss gets pissed that this bitch is here criticizing her awesome Countless parenting skills after all, at least LuAss leaves her children with a hobo unlike Ramona who leaves Avery alone when Ramona is not there. Ramona brings up that she has the perfect family unit and LuAss asks Ramona about Mario and his cheating escapades “And how’s that going, by the way?”. Ramona says that the psychic was wrong and her eighteen- year open marriage is perfect  unlike LuAnn’s ex-husband Count Chocula who cheated on that bitch left and right. LuAnn gets butt hurt and walks out because she knows it’s true.

Ramonzon should of just quit blaming Avery for not being allowed to do the music video and told LuAnn straight up she didn’t want to do her crappy video because she can’t stand LuAssHole and end it at that.

Horse ass teeth Cindy also gave LuAnn a lame ass excuse about not wanting to be in her music video because she was spending time with her children. WITH HER CHILDREN?  You mean with the little people that she has no clue how to deal with? That she ends up pawning them off on Nannies and complaining that they keep her up all night? But I guess that’s what happens if you have children at the age when you really should be having grandchildren, you have no energy or patience on how to deal with them. For some lame reason LuAss accepted Cindy’s excuse for not doing the video.

Cindy and her horse teeth show up to Sonja’s house for some trailer park toaster oven eggs and juice. I have no idea why Sonja invited Cindy over for breakfast on a work day for work horse. Horse teeth Cindy shows up with all her work supplies which she spreads on Gonzo’s counter where she  sets up an office  and proceeds to take a business meeting conference call with all the other dipshits she works with to talk about pubes and while on her conference call Cindy shushes Gonzo, who is busy making Horse Teeth her breakfast.

Yep, Horse Teeth told Gonzo to shut the fuck up in her own damn house! I’m surprised Gonzo didn’t clonk that bitch with a frying pan, but then again she did the next best thing when she cursed her out in front of all her business associates who Cindy had on speaker phone (like an idiot) and Gonzo went off on her all ghetto and shit. I can just see the people in the conference call looking at each other in awkwardness while Cindy is getting the verbal bitch smack when Gonzo is dropping some ‘F” bombs in the background telling Cindy how “Fabulous” she is. That’s beautiful!

I wonder why Cindy had those people on speaker phone while she was acting all rude to Gonzo like that. Did she not think she was being ruuude and would piss off that other bitch who may or may not start yelling at her, did she not think that? Who the fuck goes to somebody else’s house to set up a makeshift office and get on a conference morning call while bossing the hostess around like a peon? WHO DOES THAT? 

How does this bitch even run a business with these asshole manners?  Cindy even pulled her twelve year old assistant out of her pocket and tells Sonja that “she don’t eat” when Sonja tried to pass the assistant some utensils so that Cindy can stuff her mouth.  Either Cindy is too ignorant to know how rude she comes off, or she is just plain rude and can’t help stomp on everyone she comes across with her size fourteen hooves because the bitch looks like she has beast size feet!

 LuAss is getting her poodle-doo for her music video (that only Jill and Kelly agreed to participate in) and of course her mouthy side kick Jill is there with her, bossing peons around, telling the director how to do his job, telling the hair stylist to redo LuAnn’s poodle hair and just sticking her imaginary expertise in everyone’s business(I think the whole crew was plotting her death).

LuAnn brags that she was inspired by a friend to just go out and do the video and of course because that bitch has to brag that she knows all the people who come from royalty she pulls a name out of her ass and says that it was ‘Princess La oum um um’ (she gets quieter when she says the name because she realizes she is going to get caught in her lie) that told her that inspirational shit. Yeah, sure LuAss you’re just best friends with the whole royal platoon you have a freaking secret members card to that elite club and we all believe you! 

The poor bastard video director wants to pull his eyes out  with blades because he has to work with these delusional old skanks (but especially Jill) and to shut them up he tells them that everything is ”great”.  You can tell the director is embarrassed that he agreed to shoot this lame sorry ass excuse for a music video, but when there’s no work anywhere else and you were offered a bag of alley meth plus a half eaten turkey sandwich you take it, even if you have to work for a crazy bitch that thinks she is the next Madonna at age 52 or 62 or however old she is now.

They shoot parts of the video in the back alley of a casino hotel where all the hookers hang out (perhaps this was LuMan’s old stomping grounds?) and the rest in a limo (not a Hummer because LuMan felt a Hummer was not “classy”).  Kelly shows up late to take a shit while running and that’s what she contributed to the video, while Jill contributed by bitching and complaining  a diarrhea trail of stupid complaints the whole time she was there.  

LuMan thinks her video is awesome and she should be  because the director did an excellent job although he was about to jump out of the 17th floor hotel window, the director somehow still manage to capture LuMan’s faded youth, attention whore, desperation wrapped in menopausal delusions of grandeur.

 I don’t think the people who worked for LuAnn can put this down on their resume especially the music director. Putting this video down on their resume may cause them to get laughed out of the business. But as long as LuAnn thinks this is the best music video that was ever made and everyone is not laughing at her, but with her, everything is-A-okay. Just keep thinking that LuAss! Just keep thinking that!

Alex and Simon are having some art gallery situation happening at their Vampire Bordello and Ramona drags Gonzo plus Mario who gets the nipple flash from Gonzo when they all arrive at Silex’s house.  Mario’s eyes pop out. 

Simon is drunk off his ass (again) from the previous seven nights of binge drinking and his ass looks like he hasn’t shaved or taken a bath or changed his holy shirt for a few days now.

Mario then loudly complains about having to drag his spoiled ass to this ghetto Brooklyn neighborhood and the whole room of Brooklyn hood rats look right at him and get offended. Ramona says she is embarrassed, but ya’ all know that  this No Mouth-Filter bitch ain’t embarrassed of shit. She is just scared her and Mario will get jumped by the Brooklyn thugs the minute they walk out to the parking lot and she is planning to take off her shoes and run leaving Mario behind to save her own sorry ass and this is exactly what happened later on that night.

Alex, Ramona and Sonja decide to go take a dance class with Ramona’s daughter Avery because the best  way to avoid the oil of old lady music video the Countless tried to sucker them into is by doing their best old drunken bitch dance while wearing raggedy ass clothes from the butthole of the 80′s Menopausal hot flash dance closet.

Jill Zarin stated last week that Mario Singer physically pushed her. Lots of people don’t believe the drama queen but I think that maybe Mario wanted to push that bitch, and maybe he even got a hard-on fantasizing that he shoved her. Everyone in the cast has fantasized the same thing at one point, I’m sure.

Here is what Jill told People, “Last weekend, he shoved me. I was at a friends house for a dinner party,” Jill said of Mario, who also attended the premiere. “I was on line for the buffet … and Mario started screaming at me, uncontrollably. And then he pushed me – he shoved me with his hand. He was blaming me for his wife coming off badly on the show. He repeated things he thinks I said that he didn’t like.”

Although I do not agree with Jillious Zarin about the whole debacle of Mario shoving her fat ass, I do believe he must of gotten up in that bitche’s face all crazy because she does bring that out in people.  Methinks that Mario being the animated character that he is (and possibly coked out and drunk) must of being flinging his arms around like a monkey with rabies and was possibly getting up in her face and pointing at Jill and since Jill has an imagination that can take wings and fly she imagined  Mario putting his hands on her, and  with a little exaggeration, (like Ramona stated)  her ass came out and said he shoved her. Plus her two paid assistants stuck up for her, to add to the drama and feed Jill’s delusions. But, if Mario would of really shoved her I believe her ass would of being calling the cops and ‘Bawby’. So no I don’t think he shoved her.

Also the rumors have been swirling that the entire cast of the RHONY will be replaced because producers feel these bitches are tired and too pedestrian so they want to bring in bitches with mo’ money that have mo’ drama. But, it seems that the only ones who will be clipped may be boring ass Cindy Barshop (whose only contribution to the show is to sit there with her mouth wide open in shock) and Alex Mccord the two are denying that their ass is getting the boot.

The last string of post are all late recaps that I dind’t get to post because of the limited time I have. Starting with episode 5 on to 7. More late recaps coming up. Enjoy.

LuAnn decides to invite Sonja to lunch, to discuss a girl’s getaway in the hopes to have another Scary Island fuckdown. Gonzo shows up to the lunch date at some fancy schmancy restaurant looking tacky as usual and the waiter almost kicks that bitch out.  He thought she was a homeless bag-weirdo that wondered in from the street because of the roadkill mangy getup that bitch was wearing. 

Gonzo says she wants to go to Italy for the Truffle festival because ‘everyone’ that can afford it, is going to be there. But, Bravo is on a budget and tired to forking out the bill for these bitches expensive trips, plus LuAnn must be pitching in and the bitch must  have some free flier miles to the economy  version of Paris which, is Morocco.  So LuAnn tells that bitch that beggars can’t be choosers and that all they can afford is Morocco, after all this is a free trip to the ghetto Paris of Europe so her ass better shut up and enjoy it.

LuAnn also makes sure to invite all the other house skanks on this trip, with the hopes that there will be a bitch smack-down Scary Island style and hopefully Kelly will be there too. (Even thought LuAnn says she don’t want Kelly there you know that’s bullshit because they all want to clown on that bitch).

Since LuAnn is the official concierge for Morocco and the self appointed bitch platoon leader she decides to wrangle in all the other bitches and so they are all off to Morocco to cause some shit. Great, now the United States is going to be at war with Morocco. LuAnn warns Ramona to not screw up this trip for everyone and that if she plans to flip out during the trip her ass can stay at home on time-out.

LuAss wants Ramonzon and Jillious to kiss and make up before going on this trip. Then LuAnn shoves a $1.50 key-chain clip on Koala in Ramona’s mouth that Jill gave Ramona to show her that she luuuuuvvees her to death. Literally!

LuAnn then tells Ramona that she looks unhappy and like she sleeps with the devil at night. I wonder if Mario knows he is the devil? After that, LuAnn warns Ramona that her friendship with Jill could end up in the toilet, like  the Jill/Bethenny friendship. Unless Ramona calls Jill up to kiss her ass and make up.

Gonzo decides to do a cooking book, (not another one of those!) about cooking in a $5 dollar busted toaster oven that was picked at the Salvation Army. However, this ‘cook-book’ will not be having any recipes whatsoever, it will only have pictures of Gonzo’s scary ass, corpse-cooch because the bitch decided to do a complete smut-photo-shoot centerfold of her rotted va-jay-jay that will take up the entire book.

Gonzo invited Kelly over to freak her out while doing the vajay-jay photo-shoot.  Gonzo flashes Kelly several times and Kelly is disgusted and appalled so she runs out of Gonzo’s house screaming in traumatized horror. While wearing her pant-less, underwear-less outfit.

Later on LuAnn Kelly and Jill show up to hangout with Cindy for some much needed ass-waxing sessions. 

Kelly starts complaining and crying to the other bitches  about how traumatized she is about seeing Gonzo’s infested corpse-crotch.  They all start talking shit about Gonzo flashing that thing and how horrible it must of been for poor Kelly. Who is more nuts now as the result of this.

 Kelly says she has never seen a woman’s cooch in her life. LuAss wonders how that bitch never seen a cooch but then she realizes that since Kelly doesn’t have one, it makes perfect sense that she’s never seen one.

 LuAnn also says that the reason for Sonja’s cooch-flashing shenanigans is because she learned that shit from hanging around Ramonzon and drinking her Pinot-Moonshiner Backwoods Hooch. I call bullshit on that. Gonzo was already a member of the Old-Hags Gone Wild Club and she’s been flashing her muff way before I was even born.

Kelly then out of the blue-balls-whim starts crying about being in abusive relationships were she is the one doing the ass-kicking and getting hauled away to the male-jail for punching sissy men in the face. Kelly says the worst part was that in men-prison she only met “sharks, minnows, and bottom feeders”. LuAnn holds Kelly and cries with her.

This is were the blondes and brunettes divide started, on the other side of town all the blondes have gathered together for some plastic surgery gone wrong therapy.

Alex says that since she became a model she has to take better care of her skin and so she quit smoking crack. After that, they all get botox injections from a  dirty needle they are all sharing and passing around, that came from the OC bitches biohazard trash.

Gonzo has the fat sucked out of her stomach to avoid sit-ups.

 The discussions turns to the Morocco trip and drug smuggling vaginas.

Kelly says she doesn’t want to go to Morocco because of her fuckdown she had  last time, and she is tired of having to sneak her meth in her Vagina Monocles on the plane when she goes to other countries because the show may turn into ‘Arrested Abroad’. Finally Kelly Looney Tunes admits the real reason for her fear of going on this trip is mainly because of ranging drunken Ramonzon who is only half Kelly Behemoths size but can take her down because when it comes to size, Ramonzon is like a wolverine she is an 80 pound animal that can take on a 200 pound Gorilla. Kelly is the Gorilla.

The other bitches really want Kelly to come (for entertainment, so she can go ball-shits crazy like last time), and Kelly decides to think about it.

Jill is having an anti-bullying fundraiser of some form, for children that are still too young for her to bully. So she will have to wait until their 18. Then she can bully them. Alex shows up to stuff gift bags to this event and Jill warns Alex to keep her pit-bull Ramonzon on a short leash while at the fundraiser.

Ramonzon arrives armed with a case of Pinot Bathtub Moonshine, that is supposed to be donated to the event but the bitch ends up guzzling almost the whole thing by herself before she even arrives.  Ramonzon keeps getting hammered and verbally abusing everyone around her, this includes Jill and the waiters who are now traumatized. Then she goes on a bitch slapping rampage.

LuAnn shows up to save the day and is excited to show up at a fundraiser for bullying so that she can start bullying all the other bitches present. But, specially Ramona whom she walks up to and smacks her in the back of her fat head, for  kidnapping and keeping  designer David Meister in her basement while hogging him from the other bitches and forcing him to spin gold in a wheel while making her old-whore outfits from Satan’s hair.

After a little more slapping around LuAnn tells Ramona no one wants to go with Ramona on this trip to Moroco-co because of her crazy drunken ass and the fact that she scares people. Alex stands by Ramona like her trained bitch ready to jump LuAnn.  Ramonzon finally erupts at LuAnn yelling “I have to answer to you now?”.  It seems that ever since LuAss lost her Countess bought title she has to compensate by bossing and bullying bitches around 110 times more than she did before.

LuAnn insist that Jill confronts Ramona and puts the smack down on that bitch in front of all the guest that payed $200 for a table at this bitch-bullying event. Jill refuses to confront Ramona because she is scared of her and LuAnn stands there taunting Jill about how her big fat ass is scared of Ramona who is burly five feet tall.  I’m sure LuAnn has a chapter in her book that talks about confronting bitches while at charity events and also taunting them into a fight just for shits and giggles because that’s  ‘assy-classy’ just like LuAss.

Kelly Bensimoron arrives pantless, late  and full of meth like always. Then she loudly announces to everybody and their momma that Bravo will fire her punk ass if she doesn’t go to Moroco-co and make a fool of herself.

Ramonzon gets more slurry incoherent and drunk as always and LuAss berates her for having a drinking problem since now the bitch has to haul around a case of vino to stay drunk all day. I have to agree with Countless LuAss, that bitch does have a drinking problem but that’s why she all sorts of scary fun.

Kelly stands there pant-less and telling Ramonzon to wear a longer skirt because she can see her butt-cheeks. Ramona is too drunk to care and when lunch is served and Jill’s stepdaughter Jennifer  gives a speech (Jennifer was bullied as a child and has a condition with her face, I’m not being a clown to this girl) stupid ass Ramona sits there calling the girls face ’deformed’ and yelling at the designer some nonsensical bullshit about her Pinot-Hooch.  And for the first time I sided with Jill because she looked truly hurt by Ramonzon’s insensitive comment at her stepdaughter. That was harsh. Even Alex is pissed off  and embarrassed at that bitches stupidity and lack of sensitivity. Unbelievable!

Ramona decides she hasn’t made enough crazy eyes this season, so she arranges to have a photo-shoot to promote her Crazy Eyes And Wino Vino Skincare line. Ramona’s current assistant is desperately kissing her ass telling her she looks like a young ‘Pamela Anderson’ before all the hepatitis and venereal diseases. The poor assistant is hoping she doesn’t end up at the unemployment line. Like all the other assistants who got the axe from Ramoner while she was on a firing rampage. Usually happens after Ramona had about two cases of wine.

Jill shows up at Cindy’s apartment, where that bitch lives with a gang of people who wipe her arse and nannie her children. She even has two drunken Puerto Rican Leprechauns who punch each other to entertain her kids.

Jill kisses Cindy’s ass and  gets her to agree to punch Ramoners in the back of the head while she downs a glass of wino juice, next time she sees her.  Cindy complains that she lost her dentures in the toilet because she stayed up all night and her horse teeth flew out of her mouth when she jumped up after she got woken up by her children who were up crying all night, thanks to her incompetent nannies who couldn’t shut her loud children up. Cindy is pissed because she told the nannie to use Tequila in the babie’s gums. Not Nyquil.

Chris March of Project Runway, shows up to help Sonja with her costume for her annual block Masquerade Sex Orgy Party. His fat ass complains about having to climb seventeen flights of stairs and he is pissed off  that  Gonzo’s elevator is broken and is being used to store cleaning supplies.

When Gonzo shows him the Martha Washington nappy ass wig that looks like it belonged to the real Martha Washington (because that shit had moths flying out of it), his ass just about has a heart attack and screams in horror at that funky ass smelly wig.

Chris admits that he is scared of that wig specially when Gonzo tells him she used to wear that shit for her special ‘customers’ back at the brothel. As a matter of fact one of her ‘Johns’  bought her the famous wig.

Gonzo also wants Chris to perform his magic and super hoochie-out a Victorian period outfit that she plans to wear with no chones underneath to show off her nasty ass bruise she got when she fell off the horse. Nasty bitch!

And her plan comes along just fine, while at the party Gonzo makes sure she walks around slurring drunken pickup lines at random men and then bends her huge, fat, cottage-cheese, jelly ass over, on top of people’s cheese and crackers, (because that’s what they were serving at her cheap ass party, government cheese and crackers because Sonja is ‘very frugal’).

Gonzo’s plan to get a bootie call hook up for the night backfires because most of the men that see her cottage- cheese ass, end up throwing up or just running out screaming: ‘THERE’S NOT ENOUGH ALCOHOL FOR ME TO FUCK THAT BITCH!’. I guess those men are not fans of the busted-ass, used and abused, tore-up, ganged-banged, 50-year old, raging drunk, whore look. Oh well, maybe next time she shouldn’t have her caterers water down the box wine so much, at least if one of those guys were drunk enough she would of gotten a piece of ass from one of them that night.

Cindy is home dealing with her weird ass family dynamics, and having a hard time getting her sperm donor number one, getting along with sperm donor number two because the two sperm donors used to date and Cindy and her sperm donor number two also used to date. So sperm donor number one (Howie who is also Cindy’s brother) decides to leave because he can’t stand sperm donor number two (Kevin the ex). Damn I’m confused now!

Kevin decides that babies can fly or be bounced around like basketballs and Cindy bites him in the ass with her horse choppers until Kevin leaves crying like a little bitch. But then again standing next to Donkey Teeth he feels like a little bitch.

Speaking of Donkey Teeth Cindy goes to the dentist and drags Jill with her so that Jill can dictate to the dentist how to do his job and fix Donkey’s teeth.

The dentist is horrified and disgusted with Donkey Teeth’s Satan’s breath. He is also talking to Jill and clowning about how ‘Horsey’ this bitches teeth look, and he is trying very hard to make them even ‘horsier’. Jill tries to direct the dentist on how to make this bitches teeth appear horsier, but the dentist gets tired of her fat, ignorant-mouth, and kicks her out of the room.

Ramoner gets cornered by a hopeful future House Skank name Jennifer. This is the woman that was getting married when Alex, Ramona and Jill were at that reception where Jill tried to get Alex tarred, feathered and kicked out of the reception for wearing white. But it didn’t work.

Now the bride Jennifer is here telling Ramoner all the asshole shenanigans that Jill tried to pull at her wedding reception including Jill’s pestering questions about how come she invited low life wrong side of the Brooklyn tracts Silex and why is she friends with raging alcoholic Ramona. Ramona is appalled at Jill’s antics and calls Jill an ‘abusive’ bitch.

Countless LuAnn de FuFu is now a wino experto, so she questions Ramoner over what type of tubs is she using to make her Pinot De Wino Moonshiner. Ramona gets pissed off at LuAss for asking her questions she don’t know the answer to, and pisses in LuAnn’s glass of vino and LuAnn being such an expert can’t tell the difference.

While eating pizza and screaming. Ramoner confronts Jilliousy about running her diarrhea mouth to Jennifer and of course a big ol’e bitch smack- down occurs. Like a perfect trailer-park, domestic violence couple, they take the screaming-circus-fest outside, leaving Jill crying like a little bitch.

Ramonzon goes back inside the party and by this time the Pinot Wino Vino is at it’s peak of drunk and as a result of that, Ramona’s crazy eyes are bulging out of her skull making her twitch and she is ready for a fists fight. In the wake of her drunken crazy she even smacks Jennifer for being in the line of fire.

Jill  confronts Jennifer and doesn’t let her get in a word edgewise and warns her that next time, she feels like babbling her loose-lip, she is going to shove a stiletto up her culo and she better come to Queen-Bee Jill next time there is a problem. Then she calls her a stupid bitch.You know, they need to just stick these ho’s in a metal cage and let them go at it.

On this mess, Silex get their kid a piano that came with a weird penis I mean pianist-dude and it freaked out little Frankie.  When Frankie tried to play the piano Alex tells him he can’t touch it  because it is for decoration and not to touch with his dirty little grubby Cheeto-hands and Frankie is disappointed because he really wanted a drum-set so that he can join a real loud band. BUT NOOOOO!!!

Sonja plays referee to Kelly and Ramona’s confrontation. And the two bitches dress like S&M porn-whores, but what else is old. Ramoners apologizes to Kelly for drunk text dialing her at midnight and Kelly accepts, but first she bitches Ramona out for clowning on her for being a nut case and a meth-whore, who lost her marbles at Scary Island. 

More confrontations happen when Sonja calls Cindy to come over her house alone, this way Sonja can bitch-slap her for telling Kelly about Sonja’s plans to punk Kelly at her ‘Toaster Oven Cooking Party’.  Cindy decides she doesn’t want to deal with this bitche’s bullshit right now, and so she pulls one of Gonzo’s male house-bitches and dances with him.

Gonzo is not very amused since she is the only one allowed to dance with her man-servant. Gonzo gets pissed that Donkey Teeth is ignoring her and so she rips her away from the male house-bitch and berates her for mingling with the help and remains her that only Gonzo is allowed to fuck the help.

 Then, she bitch slaps Cindy right on the Horse Teeth and bitches her out  for not having Pinot Grigio ready for Ramonzon at Cindy’s own birthday party she yells, “Ramona Singer’s a star, and you have to understand that,”. 

Gonzo also monkey punches Horsie for forcing all the other bitches  to go to the gettho of Quogue. She berates Cindy, “None of us wanted to go to Quogue”. Then Gonzo explains the order of the pecker- pecking order to Cindy, who sits there with her mouth wide open and confused. Of course this bitch can’t close her mouth with those horse teeh it is permanently open.

Since Countless LuAnn is a certified wine expert (she learned that expertise in the bedroom from new boy-toy Peppi Lapoop while she was on all fours, tying his shoe -laces) she shows up to Ramoner’s Vino and Hoochie Wear Party, just to point out and school Ramoners on how ignorant she is about Pinot Grigio Moonshine Wine, and how they make it in bathtubs during the full moon on top of a Pentagram and not in barrells in the backwoods  of New Jersey by Barney Devito like she told everybody else. Then the Countless, tells her she probably doesn’t even know why is called Pinot. Of course Ramoners is clueless but so is the Countless who’s only pretending she knows all the ins and outs of wine making and knows that Ramoners doesn’t know anything about wine so she is just fucking with her for fun.

Cindy meets Kelly in Central Park to go score some Park Meth from a crack-head. And while they are scouting for street drugs they run into Jill who is also there to buy her fix. Cindy informs Kelly what a fucked up bitch Gonzo is, and she can shove her pecking order in the deepest part of her fat culo.  Jill hopes she is top Queen Bee on that Pecker Order.

Sonja Gonzo-Nose can’t keep her crusty Chones on this season, and she seems to have a raging desperation to show her fat ass to everyone and their grandpapi. So she decides to dress up like a fallen Rainbow Brite Prostitute child and arranges a raunchy photo shoot for a calendar, were some sort of an all male baseball/firefighter team is present while she runs around with a short mini skirt and no chones! This is the second time this bitch does this shit! (Next episode she pulls the same underwear less- shit and since this recap was late I can mention it without spoiling!) And again she manages to gross out a room full of men, who are now hurling in their baseball caps.

Dumb delusional bitch thinks they’re drooling over her, but in reality they’re puking and at the same time managing to  laugh at her  and asking among themselves ‘who is the vintage tore-up, crack-whore and how did she get past security?’ After that they all turned gay. NICE GOING SONJA!

Later on Kelly and LuAss show up to visit Gonzo for her Toaster Oven Cooking Party. The bitch is all bragging that she’s cooked for royalty on her busted up toaster oven from the 70′s that she picked up at the thrift store a few years back. It is also held together by duct tape. Gonzo manages to fix a delicious fish meal for LuAnn and Kelly and they complain that the portion is tiny so they decide they’re hitting Taco Bell later. After they ditch Gonzo.

Jilliousy decides to iron things out with Alex and bravely heads out to the Brooklyn ghetto section-8 projects, where Alex lives amongst the New York gangs and drug dealers. Jill clowns on Alex and says,  she can tell Alex doesn’t work out because she has noodle arms and an old mans’ beer belly plus a serious case of Hillbilly Teeth.  Nothing like a real insult before a fake apology! And Jill is the expert on that shit.

Like I said before in another recrap these bitches are always ‘clearing the air’  they should just call it what it really is ‘throwing more turd-logs in that fucked up fire’.

 Ramoner gets super coked out because she is also having her ‘throwing more turd-logs in that fucked up fire’ meeting with Donkey Teeth and tells that bitch that she doens’t know what the fuck she is talking about because she hasn’t been happily married for 18 years, to a faithful man that worships her. Cindy bustes up laughing at Ramonzon for being an ignorant moron whose husband is pulling an Arnold with the maid and Ramoners eyes are about to bulge out of her skull because not only is she flamingly pissed at Donkey Teeth for being stupid but also the coke she snorted earlier was laced with some questionable PCP making Ramonzon’s eyes ten times more violent. After Ramonzon is done kicking Horsie in the teeth she walks away laughin like a evil-super villain.

Cindy invited Sonja to shopping and lunch in some dangerous neighborhood in downtown TriBeCa. While those bitches are at some downtown boutique Cindy reveals that her  cheap ass horse dentures fell off the night before, when she was stumbling around the alleys of New York drunk off her ass and woke up behind the bar with some random dude on the filthy cement ground, face down, with a chipped horse denture. The exact details of the previous night are a blur to Cindy so no one knows exactly what happened.

Cindy is carrying around her broken horse dentures in a sandwich baggie and  she also admits she carries Fixodent in her purse because that’s what people over 56 with dentures do. Then, she sits there and starts to cement her teeth together, in front of a mirror, at this boutique where they are shopping. The stinky denture breath scares customers away so the owner comes over to see if everything is okay and forces Sonja to purchase a hoochie getup or get out.

Gonzo ignores the sales lady then goes after Cindy, whining to her plus expecting and demanding lunch. Gonzo is starving and the bitch is seeing flying sandwiches and shit,  fantasizing about the chi-chi restaurant Donkey Teeth is taking her to.

Suddenly Cindy starts to beat around the bush about taking Gonzo to lunch because she is literally holding an emergency in a Ziploc bag in her hand.

When Gonzo starts to ask ‘when are you taking me to lunch?’ And repeats that shit 58 times in a row. Donkey Teeth throws a sparkly, truck stop, motel hooker, dress across the room to distract Gonzo and tries to bolt out the door, but Gonzo is determined to get that free lunch. So, she catches poor Donkey Teeth ass Cindy before she can bail out and continues harassing Cindy about buying her lunch.

Bitch My Teeth Fell Off!!!!

Even though Cindy  invited Sonja to lunch her ass isn’t about to walk around that restaurant with her front teeth missing. So finally she says FUCK IT! And yells at Gonzo: BITCH MY TEETH FELL OFF!!  But, Gonzo won’t give up. That bitch is starving, she’s tired of giving hobos blow jobs to buy top Ramen. So she keeps pestering Cindy for a free lunch.

Cindy barks back at Sonja: Lunch?!! What do you mean lunch? Bitch are you that broke that you need me to buy you lunch.  How ’bout this bitch, you go down to the corner and buy a 5 dollar hot dog?!

Gonzo was all: No I’m broke I don’t even have 5 bucks. Can you at least give me 5 bucks for a hot dog? And another 5 bucks for a diet Pepsi? Plus I’m gonna need 20 bucks to score some NY alley meth.

And Cindy responded: WTF? Are you stupid? What the hell did you think this is a date? It’s not like you put out bitch!

HA HA HA!!! It was funny shit. Specially watching Sonja beg Cindy to take her to lunch.

After that bullshit Sonja said she wants to have a ‘toaster oven, cooking party’ because the NY ho’s haven’t had one yet (I don’t think), and her intention is to lock Kelly and a drunken Ramoner in a room with a heavy door that has a window, so everyone can watch those two bitches rip each other’s hair off. Cindy says to Sonja that she doesn’t think that’s a good idea. Gonzo says that those bitches are either going to do it HER way, or get thrown out of her house. I guess that’s a favorite move of Gonzo.

Then, Cindy takes her Fixodent and her dentures and takes off to the dentist to get her shit fixed and Gonzo is left in downtown TriBeCa where she has to walk home late into the night, through the armpit of the ghetto neighborhood,  just to get home.

Cindy bounces out of there and doesn’t give a shit that she left Gonzo in the middle of that scary hood because Cindy is downtown and ghetto like that. Plus she thought it was funny to leave Gonzo alone in the ghetto there, with no ride. (Because she really took the bus there, she didn’t have a driver that was bullshit) How awkward and sad.

Later on LuAnn has a little get together. Sonja, Cindy and LuAnn are getting hammered already and Cindy blabs out that she is having an un-birthday party in ‘Quogue’. Sonja says that she doesn’t go to Quogue because that’s the ghetto and LuAnn gives a little background on ‘Quoque’ being one of the Hampton’s low rent neighborhoods that people of their caliber wouldn’t be caught dead in.

LuAnn starts busting up laughing and clowning on Cindy’s invitation saying ‘I don’t do Quogue!’ Poor Donkey Teeth Cindy. Bitch just sits there not knowing what to do, looking like a dumb ass, all shocked, confused and horrified while LuAnn and Gonzo take center stage with their back and forth loud bantering at Donkey Teeth and her ghetto ass sad party invitation.

Cindy cannot get a word in edgewise while loud ass drunken and possibly coked out Gonzo keeps on shooting the insults at her and enjoying herself. She even tells Cindy to shove the junk mailers from her hair removing spa up her ass, and all kinds of other crazy shit like that. I guess she still pissed because Cindy didn’t take her to Cipriani’s for lunch.

And because the Countless and Gonzo are good at twisting things around to blame the dumb ass they are snubbing at the time, they both make a lame attempt at lying and accuse Cindy of not sending an invitation to her party. Cindy then has the ‘ARE THEY TAKING CRAZY PILLS?’ stunned look in the face, and insist she send the invitation to both those skanks.

When those two bitches realize Cindy did send the invitation and she caught them lying; they just lie more and  each one tries to come up with their lame excuses and either blame their incompetent assistants or the Internet for failing to get the invitation. Donkey Teeth just sits there staring at them with her ‘I’m shocked and horrified’ facial expression.

Then just to be a bitch and make sure Cindy knows she is being snubbed Sonja starts randomly  babbling out some yelling spewage about getting invited to shitty parties: “Wrong place, wrong time, wrong food, wrong drinks,”. And Donkey Teeth looks like she is going to start pulling her hair out and cry.

Then all of a sudden the door blows open and Ramoner is standing there in her full hurricanal glory, she stomps in screaming “I need a Pinot Grigio immediately. White wine!, right away.”  This season they are not only highlighting Silex’s alcoholism, but also Ramoner’s.

Alex comes in trailing behind Ramona like her trained monkey wearing a caveman vest. Cindy sits there with her horrified worried facial expressions some more, this time she looks like she really shit her Depends.

Ramoners gets nice and drunk and proceeds to question the Countless on her parenting skills. “So I heard yer children arre rruunning arrround wild in the streets of the Hamptons at night. While yerr in New Yawk screwing Poopie La P.U.” The Countless admits she is out in NY only a couple of nights a week (which can turn into 5 nights a week), and she leaves her children with random homeless people to watch them in the Hamptons.

Ramona slurs more drunken insults: ‘Yerr a slut and a weekend mom!. LuAnn tries to defend herself with the lame comeback that she’s in the city working on making music. When we all know the only music the bitch is making is with Poopie La P.U.

While all this fuckery is going on, Cindy tells Kelly Sonja’s plans to force Kelly and Ramona to kiss and make up via death cage lock-down.

Bigfoot ass Kelly continues to try to convince everyone that she is afraid of Ramoner, specially when that bitch is nice and drunk. Yet, everywhere she goes to hang out and party with the other bitches, is where Ramona is hanging out and partying. So once again, Kelly doesn’t make sense.

So of course the next day Bigfoot invites all the bitches Ramona included, for  a charity dog walk. Once again these ho’s make the event all about their own drama. So, Ramona cries to LuAnn about her cigar dilemma with Cindy’s brother and goes all balls out crying about that drama.

Sonja and Kelly walk their dogs, and Sonja tries to persuade Kelly to attend her toaster cooking party to try to force her to make amends with Ramona. While Kelly and Sonja are having this conversation about why Bigfoot doesn’t want anything to do with drunken ass, Pinot Grigio wino, Ramoners Kelly suddenly drops to the ground and starts doing sand angels. Gonzo says that this crazy ass bitch needs meds.

Kelly invites Sonja to go horseback riding. And Gonzo proceeds to ride the horse all crazy. She jumps on the horse and starts yelling ‘YAH, YAH!!’  She digs her spurs on the horse then, she wips it.  The horse starts going nuts and this starts to freak Kelly out who starts yelling to Sonja to be careful or she will fall off the horse.

The horse is all over the place with Sonja on its back barely hanging on, while the horse is riding away, after teasing Gonzo for a while the horse decides it’s time to toss that annoying bitch off its back. Horses are smart animals, they can sense when someone is a jerk, and know when it’s time to throw a bitch off its back. It was Kelly’s turn in her first season joining the cast and it’s Sonja’s turn this time.

Gonzo lands right on her ass and breaks it. But the dumb bitch gets up like nothing happened while holding her ass crack together so she doesn’t shit her pants. She’s pretty tough, walking around with a broken ass. But I guess decades of walking around that golden apple will do that to you. This was the best part of the whole episode and I love it because every time Sonja does something fucked up she keeps looking like a fool. Last time with the fugly ass painting where she looked like a propped up corpse who’s fanning her queefes out, and this time she got thrown off a horse. So Karma is doing her job.

After Gonzo gets up, and starts dragging her broken butt away, she is blaming Kelly for falling off the horse and says it’s all Kelly’s fault.

When all the bitches go to Quoge expect Sonja. Ramoners shows ups demanding Pinot Grigio. Again. LuAnn says that Ramoners has a bad case of the Pinot Grigio Polar Syndrome. I think Ramoners is just a drunk.

How come, this whole episode reminded me of that one show Intervention? Ramonzon gets all worried too, she looks like a fucking junkie that’s going to start climbing the walls after she asks Cindy if she has her Pinot Grigio. Cindy tells her that they will have it and Ramona starts twitching. Watch that part again she starts to twitch and looks like she’s going to start climbing the walls. Cindy assures her that she will get her Pinot Grigio fix and Ramoner gets all worried. It was crazy. But after they get some wine in her belly, Ramona just goes ass shit.

After Ramona throws that junkie buggie dance, over the wine, she chases after Kelly who is supposedly scared of her and is trying to ditch her. Kelly then distracts Ramona by sending her off to play as if the bitch was 8 years old. Ramona is insulted and not digging that shit.

Running with the horsewife theme of this episode Cindy’s un-birthday party also has horses. I guess Bravo was hopping for two people to fall.

When Ramona sees the horses she jumps on one and starts trying to do the  same shit Sonja was doing earlier that got her thrown off the horse. But luckily this time we have a responsible horse babysitter or whatever you call that lady that was there making sure the horse didn’t go bat-shit crazy with a drunken bitch on top of it and who told Ramona ‘HELL NO!’. When that bitch wanted to start wiping the horse and take it for a joy ride around the whole farm while chogologing Pinot Grigio from the bottle.

After Ramona is denied her right to run amuck, on top of a mustang in a farm terrifying party goers, she gets frustrated and decides it’s time to go fuck with Cindy’s brother Howie, about the whole cigar fiasco. She wobbles all drunk over where he is at, and proceeds to question him about the cigar he was smoking that belonged to Ramona’s dead friend whom Howie’s wife used to be married to. Howie freaks out and he walks away avoiding the drunken crazy lady. But Ramona continues to follow him and bitch him out about why he was smoking that cigar and blah, blah, blah.

During this whole time Howie’s big ass bodyguard wife gets in between him and Ramona.  Isn’t that the same bitch that was at the wedding? When I first saw this episode I thought that big bitch was Cindy. FOR REAL! I thought that, they do look like twins and those bitches were wearing the same L7 flannel shirt, which made it harder to tell them apart.

Finally the real Cindy steps in and berates Ramona and tells her to cut the shit out she yells at Ramona: ‘ ABSOLUTELY NOT!’, Cindy puts Ramona in her place and tells her she needs to stop being a crazy ass bitch.

Ramona gets all emotional and crazy drunk and tells Cindy she’s shaking because she has to deal with this cigar debacle. Cindy says she don’t give a rat’s ass this bitch is shaking she’s freaking out her 80 year old parents.

Suddenly just as Ramona’s crazy was flaring up it went down when a crisis involving dip happened. Then everyone is happy again. Nothing like dip to solve the worlds problems.