This episode was about wieners.

To make up for her husband’s thug behavior during the Baby Shower that almost went to shit if not for the police, Phaedra comes to visit the Kimster while bearing gifts for the baby. Kims forgives Phaedra’s husband’s behavior, but she can’t help to slam Bitter Peter. Kim says that next time she is leaving the ex-cons and assholes out of the guest list. Sooooo is this mean she is telling Phaedra NOT to bring her ex-con husband next time?  Then the bitches start talking some boring shit about being pregnant and something about labor and Kim can’t wait to hit the hooch when that baby farts out. Phaedra says that labor made her “as crazy as a vampire in sunlight!” Told ya’ she was into that death goth shit.

Cynthia brings her sister Malorie to visit Bitter Peter at Bar One so that she can get into a shouting match with Peter. And a shouting match is exactly what happened.  Cynthia walks away and leaves Peter and Malorie to their own devices and they end up getting in each others face over Malorie and her mom keeping Cynthia’s marriage certificate so that the wedding don’t happen. Malorie hates Bitter Peter for good reason, but Bitter Peter unfortunately has a point about family members not butting into other family members marriage choices, but her sister also has a point about worrying that Cynthia married an asshole. So they both have a point.

Kandi is depressed that her ass is turning 35 and is at the party venue with Sheree and Phaedra who are assisting her in the process of her party planning. Phaedra can’t wait to unleash her BIG  surprise on the party goers.

Later on Kandi shops with NeNe and her pocket gay Derek J who happens to be an expert at walking in hooker stilletos . I gotta admit I am jealous of these bitches that can walk in hooker heels, my ass is damn near thirty blah, blah years old and still can’t walk in that shit and to see a drag queen be able to walk in those skank stompers pisses me off. I know, I know I will just cry into my flip flops.

The Kim situation gets brought up and Kandi says she hasn’t been hanging around that pregnant heifer lately since they don’t talk much these days. NeNe says she is not surprised at that outcome since Kim is a user and only wanted a hit song not a friend. Kandi says despite all the bullshit Kim pulls she is still happy for that skanky bitch (like we all are) because Kim finally stopped fucking on that old greasy Big Pooper Scooper and got her self a “young tender”  Uh-hum! NeNe gets jealous and says “that ain’t shit!” Young tender sounds like some sort of lunch special they sell at KFC for 2.99 with a med coke and some fries. I bet NeNe could go for one of those after all her shopping and changing clothes in the store and all that shit she does.

Kandi tells NeNe her ass best behave because She-Man-Sheree and Phaedra will also be attending. NeNe doesn’t like that shit, and says that She-Man doesn’t deserve the friendship of the grand Miss NeNe Leakes who is also “very rich” like a happy bitch.

Kim and her baby daddy Kroy are learning all about circumcision and have some lady expert come and teach them how to care for Kroy Jr and his little winky. Kim has said in the past that she was a nurse for babies in delivery rooms. I guess the bitch was lying since dressing like a nurse in the VIP room at the raunchy strip club is very different from being a nurse at the delivery room of the hospital.

Kim also lies to the nurse when she tells her that she doesn’t know what to do with a penis. REALLY??? I know the bitch is lying SHE KNOWS what to do with a penis. How else do ya’ all think she got rich dudes like Big Pooper and now Kroy supporting her ass it wasn’t because she is gorgeous or because she wears road kill wigs that have a mind of their own it’s because she knows what to do with a penis.

NeNe is visiting with Cynthia and Bitter Peter so that they can open up a bottle of champagne to celebrate their new club opening and talk shit. NeNe doesn’t like it when they pop the bottle so she hides in the corner with her hands in her ear like a fucknut. I can’t believe this crazy huge amazon bitch has the same bullshit fear I have of popping champagne corks. I act like a fucknut like that too. I hate that shit.

Peter is on the phone with some investor (he probably met behind the alley at the liquor store) and he is confrontational about a 40 thousand dollar check this fool wrote him that bounced to the moon. Maybe he should of told Cynthia to hold off opening that champagne. Well, looks like he is gonna have to ask Cynthia for the dough again. Although Bitter Peter,  is on the phone bitching this guy out he has to drop the call for more important things like opening up a bottle of champagne when its too early to do so. So Uncle Ben Bitter Peter hangs up on his so called investor and runs to the patio to guzzle champagne with NeNe and Cynthia. NeNe reveals her and Gregg are in good terms, as a matter of fact so good that they are banging again. How sweet, there is hope these two crazy kids may get back together.

Sheree and Phaedra and their “donkey booties” show up to Sheree’s empty lot which has been sitting there empty for months with no progress. Phaedra intimidates the contractor by putting her donkey ass in his face and blowing a smoke fart up his ass with a bubble blower and no prayer cloth, this way he knows she means business. I didn’t know you can be a religious lady of church like Miss Phaedra Parks and stick your donkey culo in some dudes face like that. Wow I guess they must be more liberal in churches these days the world has certainly improved.

Cynthia puts on her busted Phyllis Diller make up on, and is trying to get her modeling agency set up  with some Kmart furniture she picked up on sale. Her sister Malorie and her husband come over to argue with her some more about Bitter Peter help her. 

Malorie seems to be losing a lot of sleep over Bitter Peter and his schemes to suck money out of Cynthia’s wallet in order to set up failed businesses and so she brings that shit up . Cynthia gets all cheesed up and starts barking at her sister yelling about how her sisters marriage is fucked up too. Malorie’s poor husband is standing in the middle of the two women who are about to scratch each other’s eyes out and he has this “WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!!” Look on his face.  After the blowup Cynthia can not even complete the project she started and thanks her sister and husband for nothing then, sends them home.

It’s the day of Kandi’s party, in attendance are Bitter Peter, Cynthia, Sheree, NeNe and Phaedra who left her husband at home so that he wouldn’t get all thug on Papa Smurf. Although  Phaedra left thuggy at home, she made sure she brought her prayer cloth, gun, jumbo size condoms, and a fucking tazer in case she has to ass probe NeNe, should that bitch get out of hand.

A huge box gets rolled in to the venue and Kandi sits down all excited and ask her moma to sit next to her. Little did they know the horrible thing that was about to jump out of that box. El RiDick-Culo blast opens the gift box and jumps out with his wiener in his hand to entertain the horrified guest.  Suddenly, the party turns into a fucking nightmare people’s eyes start bleeding as they are screaming in horror trying to scramble to get away from RiDick-Culo’s monster, hideous penis from hell. That thing looks dangerous. El Infamous RiDick-Culo then clears a path with his loaded fire hose and people are screaming and jumping out the way. He then dances for Kandi and sticks his dick in her drink. Kandi was horrified, but didn’t want to make a fuzz so she just pretends she is enjoying this hideous display of fugly.

El Infamous RiDick-Culo wasn’t even a stripper. That’s the story Phaedra wants us to believe. The Infamous RiDick-Culo was some street wino with a pissing problem, who got arrested one too many times, and Freakdra was appointed to defend him in court for shaking his wiener at random women on the streets and sucking on his own firehose. Then Freakdra who is the biggest perv in Atlanta noticed his unusual donkey dick and decided to hook him up with stripper gigs for her private viewing, as well as for other freaks in the Atlanta sex dungeons since his homeless ass couldn’t pay Phaedra the Freak the money for representing him in court for being a pervert and a weirdo. Phaedra is a pervert genius of smut. Too bad she didn’t use her genius powers to prevent thousands of people from seeing this scary ugly disgusting motherfucker run around with his wiener flapping around in the air. BECAUSE NO ONE NEEDED TO SEE THAT SHIT!! THAT WAS HORRIBLE!!! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THAT!! WHY WHY???!!! MY EYES, MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!! His ass was ugly too.

Stupid Kandi sitting there acting like she is enjoying it. Did you see the bitch throw the dollar bills at him with a look of disgust in her face like she was about to throw up? Like I previously said she just went along with it to not piss off Phaedra and be polite.  NeNe said fuck this shit and took her eyes out of her sockets put them in her purse and drove home blind. Cynthia and Bitter Peter followed her blind ass to the car. I would of done the same thang. This was one of those times when everyone agrees with the NeNe. Kandi’s mother wasn’t too amused and she starts yelling “THAT WAS FUCKED UP!” I agree Kandi’s mother, I agree, that WAS some pretty fucked up shit right there and NO ONE needed to see that mess. I smell class action lawsuit coming towards El Infamous RiDick-Culo on behalf of all the people present at that party and the folks watching on TV. Phaedra is going to be busy.

NeNe decides to cause havoc in Miami and drags Cynthia and surprisingly Kandi along with her.  Kandi is suspicious as to why NeNe is inviting her since NeNe has stated in the past that she hates Kandi. If NeNe and Cynthia try to take Kandi for a boat ride in the Florida everglade-swamps with some rope and a cinder block I think Kandi should get worried. But it seems like the real reason NeNe wants to hang out with Kandi is to get the dirt on Kim, since Kandi and Kim are not in very good terms ever since Kim used Kandi to produce Tardy For The Party.

 Sheree takes her teenage son Kairo (whom she hasn’t seen for 6 months) shoe shopping. Sheree doesn’t know what size shoe he wears because the random crack-heads she leaves watching the children (while she runs around in public restaurants in  shouting matches with NeNe) keep jacking the kid’s shoe’s for a hit of crack and Sheree keeps forgetting to take the kid shoe shopping (since 2 seasons ago?) So it’s no wonder she asked him what size shoe he wears. He is lucky she remembered his name and didn’t introduce him as her “good friend” for over a whole season.

Phaedra seeks mentoring from the one and only Willie Watkins who is like the Willie Wonka of Funerals in the Atlanta. Phaedra is having a hard time convincing Mr. Watkins that she is cut out for the job because she looks “dead sharp” in the sexy short skirt suit she is wearing and must cover her legs with some sort of magical religious Southern Bell ”prayer cloth” of some sort that keeps away prying lustful eyes including Willie Watkins.

In Miami Kandi, Cynthia and NeNe are having their leisurely lunch and about to find out this is a ‘Ladies’ weekend alright when two friendly lesbians advise them they are having “Pride Week” and will like the ladies to join them. Cynthia is hoping they will run into Kim’s old flame DJ Tracey and NeNe says she is confused about why lesbians date other lesbians that look just like a boy  why not just date a guy instead? Crazy ass NeNe, this is the question I been asking myself this whole time because if I was going to “dip my foot in the lady pond” I expect a  lipstick, high-heeled-ho’ not a boy looking one, but to each her own I guess. NeNe says she is “strictly dickly.”

NeNe also brags about how ‘rich’ she is and has plenty of thousand dollar Trump bills to wipe her arse and fix her rotted toofers with. Kandi is not buying that bullshit and knows NeNe is new itchy butt-money and doesn’t know how to act with it. Kandi also believes NeNe is math deficient and doesn’t know the difference between thousandaire and millionaire specially when NeNe tries to show the other ho’s a nine-million dollar beach castle she is wanting to buy with her monopoly money since NeNe is convinced she needs to leave “Haterville” and move to Miami and join the Real Housewives Of Miami Lice to spice that bitch platoon up. Maybe NeNe should consult with some experts on how to move into that plush house; I am sure the very successful professional grifters Alexis and Jim Bellino can give her some advice on how to squat in that expensive beach shack for free since they do it all the time.

Later on  the trio decides to get their bikinis on and hit the beach while looking for stray-straight males. Kandi spots two  Frisbee- playing, balding-charming, tourist guys who are very happy and eager to play Frisbee with ‘the ladies’. When the women approached them the men had this “I will finally score with three hot black chicks” look in their face. I think they been praying for this for a while, but unfortunately when they try to make plans and take the ladies out for an fun evening they get shut down. Pobrecitos! Now they don’t have any wild stories to tell their buddies over that one time they had an orgy with three Atlanta old ass drunken-skanks.

Kim and Sheree meet each other for lunch and NeNe gossip. The two bitches are bitter they didn’t end up in Celebrity Apprentice so they too could yell at A-listers like Star Jones and Latoya Jackson in the same burning-bridge fashion NeNe did.

Phaedra is strolling along with her eye candy husband Apollo while they take little Ayden for a walk and Phaedra tries to convince Apollo to go into the funeral business with her. Phaedra wants him to help out with something she even gives him choices like for example, he can be the guy that picks up the dead bodies, or the embalmer or at least the dude that picks up the phone “Phaedra Goths Funeral Home you stab them we slab them!” but even that is too creepy for Apollo and his answer is HEEELLLLL NOOOOOO!!!  He don’t want none of that and then, he wonders why he didn’t marry Kandi instead since he would be more willing able and eager to help her with her Kandi Coated Dildo business instead. Even baby  Ayden was turning his head looking at his momma like she was crazy, baby Ayden was worried the bitch is gonna try and make him transport those dead bodies also. Phaedra says she will somehow make Apollo work in her funeral business even if she has to kill him herself, she also cannot bring herself to admit what her husbands current profession is since she doesn’t even know what that fool does all day.

Phaedra sort of admits (in a Phaedra type of way) that she doesn’t even know what the fuck Apollo’s job is, but it mainly consist of him disappearing for days, even weeks at a time, and coming back home hungry, with ripped bloody-clothes, smelling like cigars and hookers. Then, he lays around the house in a wife beater and eats canned-food and lunch meats because he don’t care what the hell he eats.

Finally Phaedra says Apollo told her his job involves “relocation and asset recovery”. In other words, REPO MAN. Yep, that’s the story he is giving the little woman and he is STICKING TO IT, (and the cops pulling him over had nothing to do with this either!) Repo Apollo could only get a job repoing cars since his current gangsta credentials and experience were the perfect match for a repo-man job. Also it was the only job he could get. But it looks like now suga-mama Phaedra will be cutting off the monthly allowance if he don’t get his ass in to vacuum dead bodies.

Kroy takes Kim out of the house and to dinner to give Sweetie time to prepare a surprise birthday bash for Kim’s 43rd I mean 33rd birthday.  Kim tells Kroy that once that baby comes out she will running to the nearest  botox-bar and fat vacuuming clinic  and Kroy just laughs about it because at this time he still thinks she is cute. Just give him a minute. Kroy gives the Kimster a chocolate diamond that cost a pretty 32k I guess Big Pooper wouldn’t get this for her, but Kroy somehow got it. I don’t understand.

The Kimster is now peeing every 5 seconds and her fat ass runs to the bathroom as soon as she gets home. The camera men follow her to the bathroom so we get to hear the Kimster peeing behind the closed door. When Kim comes out of the bathroom Sweetie and the gang jump out to surprise Kim who gets all startled and damn near has the baby there because she thinks NeNe is going to jump out of a bush and pull her pregnancy wig off.

Surprisingly Kandi has showed up to the little kitchen surprise party even though things are still weird between her and Kim. During the party all the ho’s join Kim on the NeNe gossip train and Kim says the bitch ate her toofer. After that they move on to talk about “hot sex” and who is having “hot sex” and Brielle is sitting there gagging. Kroy then gives Kim her next present which is getting a massage while the girls grill him about marrying old chimney breath Kim.

Kroy says he wants to take his NFL money, get out of ”Haterville” and run back to good ol’ Montana. Where he plans to open up an outdoor sports store and keep Kim barefoot and preggers. Kim don’t like that shit, and flips him off. One of the women ask Kroy if there is black people in Montana and Kroy says no. So all the other ho’s decide they are going with Kim and Kroy to boring Montana because they need to bring excitement there.

(Ok I promise the next set of late recaps will be housed in the pages area)