Phaedra and her mom hang out at her kitchen and feed little baby Ayden. Phaedra tells her mother how she wishes Apollo would just get on board with the funeral home business so she can finally fulfill her fantasy of becoming the next Adams family Morticia and leave this legacy to little Ayden. Because that’s the only reason why Phaedra would want to leave her lucrative profession as a lawyer for strippers and porn stars and move to 0001 Cemetery Lane and start a funeral home. Apollo doesn’t want anything to do with this creepy funeral business. He may see people he knows there, since his current business involves scenes and situations from Too Fast Too Furious an’ all.

For some reason I thought Cynthia and her husband Bitter Peter were going to some counselors office while they wait at some place because the two of them are biting at each other (and not in a good way) but instead they are going to some dance lessons. Odd place to get into an awkward argument at. Cynthia is all pissed off at Peter for ditching her at that agency opening party she threw because Uncle Ben was too busy hanging out with some girl named Betty Crocker, from the pool party the night before. Bitter Peter tells Cynthia if she don’t like this marriage to get off the train at the next stop.

Cynthia and Bitter Peter keep bickering and airing out their dirty laundry. Suddenly some dance instructor lady comes out to teach them how to move their left feets without each other trying to lead or else they may try to continue killing each other.

Kim is bitching and complaining that baby Kroy pees on all her designer clothes (that Big Poppa more than likely bought as well as her tacky ass furniture) her daughter Kim Jr Brielle  is mouthy and doesn’t want to help her put away the Versace china (that Big Poppa bought her).

However, little Arianna is helpful and willing to make her momma happy because she knows who to suck up to so she can get Kim’s golddiging money when Kim dies that Kim earned while on her back or all fours. That little girl is smart. Brielle is acting out because she wants to test her mom and Kroy.

I feel sorry for Kroy because now he has to play dad to a spoiled kid that he hasn’t known for that long and the worst part is he jumped in this dad business right when Brielle got the teenage horns that come out of their skull when they turn 14, after the horns come out the head starts spinning and they start talking back so you need special holy water to handle that shit. Poor Kroy God be with him.

Kandi  and Lil Ronnie head to Tennessee to work on writing some country songs with her new country star friend Jo Dee Messina who moves almost all of Kandi’s songs words around to make it sound more country. But Kandi has a country voice when she sings. Kandi is all nervous that Jo Dee doesn’t like her songs, but it all ends up well when they compromise since that chick Jo Dee is pretty cool and laid back. Kandi rubs all of Jo Dee’s country music awards for good luck. Later on Lil Ronnie buys Kandi her first cowgirl hat and some boots. Kandi is now an official cowgirl.

NeNe hangs out with Marlo who is confronting NeNe about making the fugly double ass monster with Charles Grant. NeNe denies it and says she only had a drink with Charles (maybe they did bump fuglies but the two fools where so drunk they don’t remember what happened?)

NeNe says that Charles never ever saw her “Hello Kitty” and Marlo tells NeNe that the rumor of her and Charles better not come back true because Marlo is an ex-con who’s been arrested 7 times and did time for beating up a girl. NeNe’s eyes bulge out with fear and so instead of fighting with Marlo she decides to invite her to go shopping with her. Later on the two Amazonian hot messes go shopping together and they bond. I think NeNe is keeping this dangerous ex-con on her good side.

Sheree shows up at Kim’s rented mansion with yoga mats and healthy vegetable snacks. Kim whose idea of keeping her chunky ass slim is going to the doctors office to have the cottage cheese fat removed from her tights via vacuum suction system, is not happy with the idea of having to do planks on the floor on a mat because that takes effort (with an “A”) that her princess fat ass doesn’t want to have to put out because she has to conserve that energy to have Kroy plank her on the floor instead.

What Kim doesn’t understand and Sheree was trying to explain to her beast ass (the same way Phaedra tried to explain the law to Sheree previously) is that she is now married to an athlete with a tight ass who is around hot cheerleaders so homegirl needs to keep up.

Sheree also drools over Kroy while doing planks in an effort to encourage Kim to exercise. After like two planks because that’s all Kim can handle, Sheree tries to make that bitch some healthy veggie smoothies, but Kim bitches and moans that it tastes like crap even thought she ends up admitting it’s not that bad.

Kim also complains to Sheree about her difficult spoiled teenager Kim Jr whose head’s been spinning like the exorcist while she pukes green stuff on people and poor Kroy is in the middle of this mess trying to be dad. Oh well I am sure Brielle will come out of it and turn like Jacqueline’s Ashley so she’ll be fine! Kroy’s just gonna have to buy her a condo in California when she is 20 to get rid of her.

Later on that day Phaedra and her husband Apollo meet up with Willie Watkins to try and convince Apollo to be part of Phaedra’s fabulous funeral home that Phaedra will make the dead person the star of because she wants “to do funerals worth dying for,” and turn a funeral into fabulous “Events! Not just throw ‘em in the ground. Let’s throw ‘em in the ground with a bang!”. Apollo wanted to puke when he toured the embalming room (I kinda did too I have that same puke gross creeped out of dead people thing this guy has) Phaedra admits that she is into vampires. TOLD YA’ SHE IS GOTH!

Apollo thanks Willie Wonka I mean Watkins for the tour and after Willie and Phaedra share a few more creepy laughs together Apollo and Phaedra leave and Apollo says he will think about it. Meaning HELL TO THE NOOOO!!!

NeNe shows up at some chi-chi fund raiser Marlo invited her to, for some Captain Planet save the whales or something or the other thing. Anyway, NeNe meets another Viking Amazon like herself who is trying to peddle NeNe the earrings she designed inspired after the “Italian” (really NeNe?) Dalai Lama. Did y’all see “Miss Tall’s” mortified face when NeNe thought the “The spiritual leader of Tibet” was some Italian hippie dude or some shit?  And Marlo didn’t catch on to that! HA HA HA HA!!

After Elizabeth Dewberry realized the intellectual “chameleon” genius she was dealing with (that wasn’t going to buy any of the super expensive, high class, yard sale items available that day) she jumped out of the scene hoping to NOT be filmed anymore. If you’re gonna be a “Chameleon” learn some basic culture about the type of stuff these rich ass donation peddler fucktards are babbling about. Watch History Channel or something. PAY ATTENTION PLEAZZZEEE!!!!

Later on , Apollo shows up at Phaedra’s office with a bouquet of flowers and tells her he wants to discuss going into the funeral business with her. Phaedra finds a way to convince Apollo to be sucked into Phaedra’s necrophiliac vampire fantasies by appointing him the hottie that will be comforting young hot girls in mourning. Phaedra’s a freak! HA HA HA!! She will pimp her husband out she don’t give a shit, I like that bitch. With that offer Apollo decides quickly that he will be going into the funeral business with her after all. But, he is not touching no dead bodies! Somehow Phaedra found a way to make him part of her goth adventures. But failed to make him agree to touch the dead people. Looks like Phaedra has more work to do!

Next Cynthia and Uncle Ben go to real counseling (as foreshadowed earlier when they went to the dance lessons.) Bitter Peter appears to be trying to be a good husband and hear when he is wrong. Except when Cynthia yells at him to write shit down because he has old timer’s disease and can’t remember shit with his “dinosaur” brain. In the end Bitter Peter tells Cynthia he loves her and they kiss and make up. Until next fight.

The first thing we see is Sheree berating Phaedra about how shitty the hearing went. Phaedra disagrees with Sheree and believes the hearing went well. Phaedra again tries to explain to Sheree how these law things work, but Sheree is having none of it. Because she doesn’t understand shit she decides it’s better to just blame Phaedra and bad mouth her to half the town.

Sheree insist that Phaedra was outsmarted by a dumb ass then, they start arguing over the retainer and all the hoops Phaedra’s assistant had to jump through to get that check (not to mention the kickboxing match he had to endure with She-Man.)

After bickering over the retainer Phaedra decides she’s had enough of Sheree’s ridiculousness and fires her as a client. It was done quick, clean, sniper stile; not all crazy, screaming circus style like the house skanks usually do it in situations like these. Which is surprising. Sheree is relieved because she didn’t know how the fuck she was going to fire that bitch and she is happy she gets her five thousand dollar retainer check back . When Phaedra hands over the check it bounces out the window and Sheree chases after it.

At Kim’s house she is getting ready to move to her new Barbie Dream McMansion. Kim hires Kendra who is an interior designer to clean up an paint the new house. Kim wants Kendra to complete everything in one week . Poor Kendra! Not only does she have to clean up and paint, but she also has to kick out the hobos and crackheads that were squatting at that mansion rent free. “Good luck bitch!”

Cynthia is still on her quest to bring New York to Atlanta. So, she decides to hold some artsy fartsy party for a friend. Sheree is wearing some fabulous Liberace fucked Frankenstein Horse Shoes clad in rhinestones, and I bet these fugly ass shoes costs her like nine thousand dollars I see why Bob is reluctant to handing her over any more money.

Cynthia is stoked that Marlo Hampton, the town’s number one successful golddigger (Kim apparently is number two now) is attending this classy pachanga.

Kandi continues on pestering Marlo about how she got her money. Marlo insist that she got her money from some divine deity and this is the reason she wears no panties and lets it all air out. Kandi knows Marlo doesn’t blow money, but she also knows that Marlo blows to get money. So who is she blowing? That’s what Kandi wants to know.

We are then taken to the underbelly of the ghetto and we hear gunshots, police sirens and ambulances in the background to let us know we have arrived at the location of Bar None . Inside we find Cynthia getting primped up for a photo shoot for some bullshit “power couple” thing they’re trying to sell us, that her and Bitter Peter are going to be featured in.

Cynthia lets Peter know that her invitations for Bar None are being send out at last minute before a holiday weekend and Peter mocks  Cynthia for being an airheaded ditz because there is no way the guest can get these on time unless that shit teleports.

Cynthia then, starts whining and asking Peter to send the invitations himself because she is strapped to a chair getting her hair stapled and face pasted on.

Cynthia sits there begging Bitter Peter to help her send out those invitations. Cynthia begs and begs she even offers free blow jobs and threesomes with random trannies, but Bitter Peter’s Viagra hasn’t kicked in, so bribes like that don’t work on him. Then, he laughs at Cynthia,  ignores her, walks away grabs a bucket of soapy water and yells at the bar wench on national Televison because she let some asshole smear his turd tracks on the white couch the night before. During this whole time Cynthia is sitting there yelling some shit about them being a team. Uncle Ben just ignores Cynthia and yells WHATEVER!! and scrubs the diarrhea jizz off the couch. Then he says that stupid Cynthia needs to fall on her bony ass because he has failed ninety-nine times and counting and this time he is  taking that flaky bitch with him.

NeNe clowns on Cynthia about being a floaty little model living in a dream full of dumb. I wonder if Cynthia used to be Kelly Sasquatch from New York Skank’s roommate and the dumb rubbed off? NeNe says Bitter Peter is the opposite of  Cynthia’s pampered candy-ass and likes to grab life by the balls. I wonder if she speaks from personal experience and maybe Peter grabs NeNe by the balls when they sneak off behind Cynthia’s back?

Kim, Kroy and the kids are moving in to their new rented McMansion. Kim yells at the movers and tells them they are a bunch of idiots and the movers respond by breaking her rent-to-own furniture. It’s a beautiful “clusterfuck”. Kim then reminisces on her town-home and all the random one night standers that passed throught the revolving doors that lead to the Kim-wall of shame. Even Moose NeNe signed the wall of shame.  How shameful!

Twenty two year old Bryson is cleaning up his mama NeNe’s house who is berating him for being a male slut who is wasting his youth away and needs to get his shit togueter before he has 100 kids running around and a harem of baby mamas.

Nene says that Bryson is old enough to have sex, (he does that) drink liquor, (he does that) and smoke weed (I know FOR SURE he does that!) Then, she reminds her son repeatedly to use condoms; Bryson can’t take it and is driving him nuts so he runs out of the house and avoids cleaning it.

Kandi’s manager Don Juan berates Kandi for helping talentless minute-friends who are just using her for her kindness and studio (coug, coug, Kim) Kandi says she wants to try and write Country music because deep down inside Kandi is a cowgirl.  Then, she calls some friend of hers who is a country pumpkin and they set up a play date for Nashville. When Kandi sings for her friend she sounds VERRRRYYYY COUNTRY!!

Back at Kim’s house she is carefully strapping all 57 of her freaky lice wigs in her car so they can get to her destination safely.

When Kim the girls, and the wigs drive down the highway, Kim decides to pump the silicone out of her boobs to feed baby Kroy while almost crashing into another car after she lets her younger daughter drive.

When Kim and her brood all arrive at the new house Kroy has this nervous WHAT IS THIS COSTING ME? look of dread. I notice in every episode this poor guy looks more and more doubtful and nervous like he is having second, third and fourth thoughts about permanently bumping fuglies with Kim. It’s surprising her still married her!

Cynthia is getting her makeup did, crying and afraid that her opening party will be a disaster and she won’t be seen as a good business “PEEPER” did that bitch just say that? Was she thinking about taking a “peeper” when that slipped out?  Poor Cynthia’s sister is there getting the bitch slap from Cynthia who is taking out her Bitter Peter frustrations  on her.  Then,  she tells her sister to beat it because her presence is upsetting Princess Cynthia who is having a breakdown. I bet this bitch was doing this all her life even when she was little and her mom and sisters spoiled her and put up with her shit because she was “the pretty one”.

When Cynthia and her mom arrive at the agency the place is full of people. Glad to see Bravo jumped in to save the day and hired a handfull of homeless folks, cleaned them up, dressed them like people and offered them five bucks to appear as guest in Cynthia’s party.

Phaedra and her sausage squeeze-hoochie outfit clowns on Cynthia’s modeling agency and says it’s just there to “blow bubbles” up young fat-girls asses before they have to go and get real jobs as dumpster divers and stiff-stuffers. I wonder if this is what happened to Phaedra?

Kim and Kroy arrive and Kim is afraid to see Moose I mean NeNe who may step on her and Kroy with her size 17 shoes. Sheree says that NeNe aint gonna say shit with Kroy there since Kroy is a football player and can take NeNe down. Probably.

When NeNe arrives Kim is about to shit herself. Later on NeNe starts bragging that she too used to be a model. For what? Sasquatch shoes? Kandi is obsessed with finding out where Marlo got her fortune from, and proceeds to grill her again while stalking her at the party. Marlo insist she gets her money from a magic source and stars saying something stupid about being beautiful and blah, blah, blah. Then Marlo calls Kandi a Big Momma. Yeah, Kandi is a Big Momma and she is the one wearing the strap-on too!

Finally, after beating around the hairy bush for a while, the mangy cat comes out of the bag and Marlo admits she used to date rich white sugar Big Poppas that gave her an allowance and this is how she got her money. Kim pretends to get offended that this bitch had wealthy men supporting her and says WHO DOES THAT? Well didn’t you and Marlo worked for the same pimp and shared a Big Poppa or two, maybe three? NeNe points out that everytime Marlo says “BIG POPPA!” it drives Kim CRAAAZEEEYYY. And NeNe Looooveeess it!!!

Kim freaks out because Kroy used to live under a rock without televison or internet with his eyes closed and his fingers in his ears, so her Big Poppa secret was pretty safe. But, now that she made the MISTAKE of bringing naive, unsuspecting Kroy to this party her secret is in danger of slipping out and so when shit keeps getting fuglier and the Big Poppas keep being brought up Kim grabs her wig and Kroy and heads for the nearest exit as if the building was on fire before anything else gets said. I wonder if Kroy is going to secretly watch the first few seasons?

Sheree does what Sheree always does and complains that there is no air conditioner working in that building and it smells like fart.

After Kim and Kroy made a run for it. Cynthia makes some announcement and thanks Bitter Peter, but he is nowhere to be found. Phaedra is laughing  at that shit and kissing on Apollo to rub it in Cynthia’s face that her man is there unlike Bitter Peter. For now, at least.  Bitter Peter never appears. Must of snucked off with one of the trannies from the pool party the night before after his Viagra finally kicked in.

NeNe and Cynthia are both raising hell in NYC. Peter is nervous to let Cynthia’s hot-ageless-ass  go to New York alone because he is insecure she may hook up with her ex-boyfriend Russell Simmons, whom she later meets up with and tries to get her into a flirting marathon with his crazy ass after he tells her that Papa Smurf’s white-beard is not sexy.

Cynthia doesn’t have time for the dumb games because she is in New York to discuss business prospects, you know, just in case Bitter Peter-Papa Smurf’s Magic Jelly-Bean Bar don’t work out and she has to grab her kid and do an emergency split from his broke ass. Bitch don’t want to end up in line at the soup kitchen.

Russell tells Cynthia to stop offering free sugar-doughnuts as snacks in the waiting room at the modeling school, in order to keep away the chubby girls who delusionaly think they can be models, and start offering meth on a plate as a snack option instead, to  only lure the seven feet-tall fifty pound girls who CAN be models. Modeling is a though world.

Sheree is with her mom Thelma at that empty lot, Sheree is hoping to turn into a luxury-shack.  Thelma is the one that bought this empty lot with HER money, but Sheree wants to pretend it was her that bought it. We find out that Bob has been using Sheree’s gift cards to feed the kids when they visit him because he refuses to support his own children. I think Sheree needs to take Phaedra’s offer and drag Bob by the balls to court.

Phaedra is in court defending some thug named Dave, that was driving with extra tinting of the widows and a bag of weed. He shows up baked, wearing street clothes and reeking like reefer. Phaedra is pissed that he didn’t follow her instructions on taking a bath and putting on his good pants. The judge lets him slide with a small fine and a don’t-do-this-shit-again-or-else threat because Phaedra’s “donkey booty” knows the judge pretty well. When they all leave the courtroom Dave pays Phaedra with cash and a half blunt. She should of demanded the full bag of weed as payment plus whatever cash he had in his pocket.

NeNe is having a lunch meeting with her new “business partner”  John Kolaj who is smitten by Miss Lenethia Leake’s charms. John is the guy who owns Famous Famiglia Pizza and supposedly has lots of moneys which Miss Lenethia likes even though he is a major DOOORK. I feel sorry for any teenage kids this fool may have because I can just hear them yelling, “NOO DAD NOOO YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME!” Because of that awkward-trying-too-hard-to-romance-meeting he had with NeNe were he  went full on Italian on NeNe and even brought some singing dude that came out of retirement because he apparently owed John a favor (meaning Johh was going to bust a cap in his old ass if he didn’t sing.)

Pobretcito, John must have some undiagnosed mental illness if he is falling for Amazon NeNe, but then again he is good to NeNe he showers her with expensive 1000 dollar shoe-gifts, Tiffany pens for the million dollar deals,  dinner and song. I say TAKE IT NENE, THAT’S THE BEST YOU CAN DO BITCH! Those Italian men, always trying to wine-dine and sixty nine a girl and NeNe fell right into it. Nice! I want to see more of their awkward interactions.

Kandi obviously made up with Mama Joyce, who is getting ready for her dating picture on Sexy Seniors.com. Kandi helps her momma out by squeezing her in a Chorizo encasing girdle that is obviously cutting off Mama Joyce’s circulation. After making her mom up to look like a “drag queen” she poses on a hot-rod. Mama Joyce is a hottie!

After a brief cigarette break, Kim is ready to go to the hospital to birth lil’ Kroy Jagger Meister Jr. The nurse asks Kim a bunch of health questions and the bitch has an asshole attitude about it because she is lying through her yellow smoker-teeth to the nurse when she tells her she is a “non-smoker” the nurse wanted to smack the dirty wig off Kim, while she was thinking BITCH, I WATCH THAT SHOW YOU ARE A CHAIN SMOKER! I thought Kim said ”chain smoker” not “non-smoker” when she answered that question. Even Kroy looks confused when he hears this heap of bullshit coming out of Kim’s mouth. The nurse then, asks Kim: ARE YOU WEARING THAT DOG WIG WHILE DELIVERING? And Kim was like YEAAHH, I’M THE KIMSTER.  She even had Sweetie carry her Poodle-hair wig with her. I mean c’mon of course she is going to wear that shit even while pushing that baby out. What did this nurse want for Kim to be bald while delivering? WTF?

All this time Kim was verbally abusing poor Kroy since thanks to him she is in this ordeal now. Poor Kroy was just looking confused and scared Kim kept complaining that he didn’t look nervous even Kim’s daughter Brielle knew he was “dying inside” but Kim wants to be an asshole. That’s alright though, I guess since she is giving birth she has every right to be an asshole and curse her ass off. When little Kroy Jr gets farted out the first things he hears are his mother’s loud cursings. Finally, little Kroy is here to raise hell and everyone is happy including Papi Kroy Sr.

And now the moment of truth! Cynthia meets with a good friend Kithe (who lost a whole person weight-wise) for a drunken evening. Kithe knows Cynthia is not happy with her new life and marriage and he actually gets a drunken Cynthia who is Queen Of Denial to admit her life in Atlanta sucks, she regrets leaving the excitement of “cunty” New York and she hates being married to Bitter Peter! But we all knew that mess already, didn’t we?

The episode opens with Sheree at some random construction site that she paid the construction workers 20 bucks and a boobie flash to pretend she owns that property where she tries to sell everyone the lie that she is building her dream home Bullshit By Sheree Chateau By Sheree.

At Phaedra’s she is  bitching her paid boy-toy out, for getting his ass pulled over for supposedly a case of “mistaken Identity”.  Apollo is pissed because he believes Phaedra is going around gossiping about his legal issues, and Phaedra says she will be cutting his allowance if he keeps getting pulled over for being in a clown car with his saggy pants down and embarrassing Lady Phaedra Parks of sophisticated society. Damn Apollo get with the program!

At Cynthia’s house her baby daddy is visiting and of course Papa Smurf is sitting there cooking his Uncle Ben rice with a quart of  sour attitude. Peter is not too happy that Cynthia’s old flame is over to check on his offspring and Leon gives Uncle Ben advice on how to deal with Cynthia’s family of course Peter is jolted that Leon has the nerve to give his old ass advice because old ass dogs set in their ways like Uncle Ben here, are not open EVER to taking  advice from his wife’s younger nicer MORE HANDSOME ex that obviously Papa Smurf is jealous of.

Besides Papa Smurf has been stupid and a failure this long and has never bothered taken any useful advice from ANYONE (look at his track record of failed businesses) so he is not about to start taking advice now because unconsciously angry Papa Smurf is only happy when he is a loser and looks like a fool. You can tell Papa Smurf wanted to smurf Leon with a sharp knife who was only trying to give him major advice. And since he is constantly hating on everything and everyone,  talking to him is like talking to a beast so Leon should just give up.

For a so-called picky run away bride Cynthia sure did a major fuck up by choosing Peter. Why would she pick that sour, aggressive Viagra-needing Troll and not hold on to that charming easy-going Leon? The more I see Peter’s attitude the more I think Cynthia is an idiot. The more Cynthia opens her mouth to defend him (and NeNe) the more she verifies she is a certified idiot. Picky runaway bride? MY ASS! More like doormat kiss-ass is more like it.

And speaking of Cynthia being NeNe’s lapdog has anyone noticed how she is to NeNe what Kelly was to Jill? Yeah, think about that for a minute.

Peter is opening a new bar for the 50th time, he says this one is going to be successful. Cynthia is nervous and Leon wants to bust up laughing. If Peter handles his businesses the way he handles himself around people it is no wonder all his businesses keep flopping.

Kim and Sheree have lunch together and Kim says she misses getting drunk, while she downs a glass of wine. For strange reasons we will never know Kim kisses Sheree’s ass and says they been good friends for 10 years even though Sheree tried to snatch her wig off that one time. Kim brags to Sheree that she is buying a huge mansion and Sheree is jealous because all she has is that fake demolished property she tried to pass off as the future land to her imaginary mansion Shit by Sheree. She will be starting some bullshit to mask her jealousy with Kim over this in the future. Mark my words. After that the two bitches agree that they wont live in used houses with old linoleum floors Ala Teresa Giudice season 1.

NeNe’s son is getting picked up by her soon to be ex and there’s some boring awkward conversation over bringing one-night stand drunks over while Brent is home, and some shit about not hiring random hobos to watch Brent because he is too old to get a babysitter or some shit. I don’t know I wasn’t paying attention. Moving right along.

Phaedra and Kandi are shopping for a gift for Kim’s baby shower and end up getting her some kinky nipple cream. Kandi tries to get the dirt on Phaedra’s boy-toy’s recent arrest, but Phaedra directs the conversation (in the Phaedra way) towards PETER! YES how about that bastard Peter and the interview he gave that one time, to that one magazine were he said he hated EVERYBODY! Do you see how she shifted that? Kandi doesn’t notice the conversation got shifted until days later then, she wonders what the hell happened. Phaedra is talented I tells ya’.

The day of Kim’s baby shower that shit was of course over the top crazy complete with a huge-ass cake and emplastered in creepy pictures of a pregnant Kim half naked looking like a  Trailer-Park Real Doll.

Kim’s father makes an tacky appearance when he obnoxiously pounces on Phaedra and pushes her his business card to pimp his company. With a father that persistent is no wonder Kim turned out to be such a good gold-digger.

Surprisingly Kim knows ALL the blondes in Atlanta and in the sea of blondes Kandi makes her way to find Kim. IT WAS LIKE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

Brielle gives a sweet speech about how her drunken-ass, wig wearing, chain smoking, mama finally hit a touch down with Kroy (pun intended!)  and thanks him for ‘knocking” up her mom so soon. Everyone loves each other and are all happy and all the bitches keep fawning over Kroy because that’s what happens when someone finally lands a nice husband. Even Phaedra although the bitch notices Kim party resembled her over the top “boughetto” extravaganza last season, but it’s all good they all love each other, for now.

Cynthia and Peter show up to the last 10 minutes of this five hour baby shower with no present (YES, THIS SHIT WAS FIVE FUCKING HOURS!) because it took Peter 5 hours to cook his instant Uncle Ben Angry Rice and that’s why they didn’t have time to stop at the dollar store and pick up a gift. Before Papa Smurf and Cynthia walk into the event, Papa Smurf makes a comment about how he hopes  they don’t get kicked out of this event, but he was really hoping for the opposite because that’s what angry psychopaths with a short fuse do.

Peter and Cynthia plop down to eat whatever scraps where left over from the baby-shower feast, and Peter proudly announces he is opening a new puterio that will be successful this time. Everyone wants to bust up laughing (AGAIN!) but everyone holds back knowing Papa Smurf’s anger management problems. However, there’s always a child in the group that can’t help to lightly and inconspicuously poke a stick at the angry beast and Phaedra waits for the perfect moment to jump in.

Meanwhile, Papa Smurf senses everyone thinks he is a joke and is willing and open to take anyone’s comments, attitudes, or breathing patterns as insults and invitations to start a brawl up in this bitch to rival the the Real Housewives Of New Jersey Christening That Went Horribly Wrong (why do you think he tried to start with Lawrence over his high-heels? But that bitch don’t care and simply dismissed his shit comment crushed under his stiletto) and so when Phaedra makes a comment that Peter will not invite her to his grand opening at Bar Flop because he mentioned during  his magazine interview he don’t like her or any of the other bitches and thinks they are all “not cute” ( this is the same interview Phaedra was talking about earlier) Apollo says something about him and Phaedra not wasting their time reading that shit and Peter starts grinding on Apollo who only stood up for Phaedra’s big mouth.

The men get into an ugly yelling-match/ argument. Except there wasn’t much of an argument, it all consisted of the two men barking the same sentences to each other back and forth GET YOUR MONEY TOGETHER YOU’RE TOO OLD, GET YOUR MONEY TOGETHER YOU’RE TOO OLD, I GOT MY MONEY I GOT MY MONEY. 

Suddenly, the camera got all grainy like someone was shooting it with a cell phone and the back and forth tit for tat kept going, but still no real argument or people sobbing in Italian yelling “get the gun” or anything like that so, if they were trying to upstaged the Real Housewives Of New Jersey Christening That Went Horribly Wrong they failed miserably, plus Kroy calling the police so that it didn’t turn into a disaster New Jersey Christening level didn’t help.

Cynthia sat there saying she was ‘MORTIFIED!” and trying to pretend her husband is NOT an embarrassing asshole with no trigger control who uses her hotness and fame to coat-tail his way to fame-whoring and fortune while dragging her to the pits of the gutter circus of crazy in all it’s embarrassing glory. I am surprised she is “MORTIFIED!” wasn’t she hoping to get kicked out along with Peter? Phaedra laughs during her talking head interview and says Apollo is off parole and doesn’t have a problem beating up an elderly person on Medicare.

Meanwhile Kim missed the whoooole sloppy mess because she was having a cigarette and wine break, since she smokes and drinks for two now and has to keep that shit away from the cameras.

NeNe decides to cause havoc in Miami and drags Cynthia and surprisingly Kandi along with her.  Kandi is suspicious as to why NeNe is inviting her since NeNe has stated in the past that she hates Kandi. If NeNe and Cynthia try to take Kandi for a boat ride in the Florida everglade-swamps with some rope and a cinder block I think Kandi should get worried. But it seems like the real reason NeNe wants to hang out with Kandi is to get the dirt on Kim, since Kandi and Kim are not in very good terms ever since Kim used Kandi to produce Tardy For The Party.

 Sheree takes her teenage son Kairo (whom she hasn’t seen for 6 months) shoe shopping. Sheree doesn’t know what size shoe he wears because the random crack-heads she leaves watching the children (while she runs around in public restaurants in  shouting matches with NeNe) keep jacking the kid’s shoe’s for a hit of crack and Sheree keeps forgetting to take the kid shoe shopping (since 2 seasons ago?) So it’s no wonder she asked him what size shoe he wears. He is lucky she remembered his name and didn’t introduce him as her “good friend” for over a whole season.

Phaedra seeks mentoring from the one and only Willie Watkins who is like the Willie Wonka of Funerals in the Atlanta. Phaedra is having a hard time convincing Mr. Watkins that she is cut out for the job because she looks “dead sharp” in the sexy short skirt suit she is wearing and must cover her legs with some sort of magical religious Southern Bell ”prayer cloth” of some sort that keeps away prying lustful eyes including Willie Watkins.

In Miami Kandi, Cynthia and NeNe are having their leisurely lunch and about to find out this is a ‘Ladies’ weekend alright when two friendly lesbians advise them they are having “Pride Week” and will like the ladies to join them. Cynthia is hoping they will run into Kim’s old flame DJ Tracey and NeNe says she is confused about why lesbians date other lesbians that look just like a boy  why not just date a guy instead? Crazy ass NeNe, this is the question I been asking myself this whole time because if I was going to “dip my foot in the lady pond” I expect a  lipstick, high-heeled-ho’ not a boy looking one, but to each her own I guess. NeNe says she is “strictly dickly.”

NeNe also brags about how ‘rich’ she is and has plenty of thousand dollar Trump bills to wipe her arse and fix her rotted toofers with. Kandi is not buying that bullshit and knows NeNe is new itchy butt-money and doesn’t know how to act with it. Kandi also believes NeNe is math deficient and doesn’t know the difference between thousandaire and millionaire specially when NeNe tries to show the other ho’s a nine-million dollar beach castle she is wanting to buy with her monopoly money since NeNe is convinced she needs to leave “Haterville” and move to Miami and join the Real Housewives Of Miami Lice to spice that bitch platoon up. Maybe NeNe should consult with some experts on how to move into that plush house; I am sure the very successful professional grifters Alexis and Jim Bellino can give her some advice on how to squat in that expensive beach shack for free since they do it all the time.

Later on  the trio decides to get their bikinis on and hit the beach while looking for stray-straight males. Kandi spots two  Frisbee- playing, balding-charming, tourist guys who are very happy and eager to play Frisbee with ‘the ladies’. When the women approached them the men had this “I will finally score with three hot black chicks” look in their face. I think they been praying for this for a while, but unfortunately when they try to make plans and take the ladies out for an fun evening they get shut down. Pobrecitos! Now they don’t have any wild stories to tell their buddies over that one time they had an orgy with three Atlanta old ass drunken-skanks.

Kim and Sheree meet each other for lunch and NeNe gossip. The two bitches are bitter they didn’t end up in Celebrity Apprentice so they too could yell at A-listers like Star Jones and Latoya Jackson in the same burning-bridge fashion NeNe did.

Phaedra is strolling along with her eye candy husband Apollo while they take little Ayden for a walk and Phaedra tries to convince Apollo to go into the funeral business with her. Phaedra wants him to help out with something she even gives him choices like for example, he can be the guy that picks up the dead bodies, or the embalmer or at least the dude that picks up the phone “Phaedra Goths Funeral Home you stab them we slab them!” but even that is too creepy for Apollo and his answer is HEEELLLLL NOOOOOO!!!  He don’t want none of that and then, he wonders why he didn’t marry Kandi instead since he would be more willing able and eager to help her with her Kandi Coated Dildo business instead. Even baby  Ayden was turning his head looking at his momma like she was crazy, baby Ayden was worried the bitch is gonna try and make him transport those dead bodies also. Phaedra says she will somehow make Apollo work in her funeral business even if she has to kill him herself, she also cannot bring herself to admit what her husbands current profession is since she doesn’t even know what that fool does all day.

Phaedra sort of admits (in a Phaedra type of way) that she doesn’t even know what the fuck Apollo’s job is, but it mainly consist of him disappearing for days, even weeks at a time, and coming back home hungry, with ripped bloody-clothes, smelling like cigars and hookers. Then, he lays around the house in a wife beater and eats canned-food and lunch meats because he don’t care what the hell he eats.

Finally Phaedra says Apollo told her his job involves “relocation and asset recovery”. In other words, REPO MAN. Yep, that’s the story he is giving the little woman and he is STICKING TO IT, (and the cops pulling him over had nothing to do with this either!) Repo Apollo could only get a job repoing cars since his current gangsta credentials and experience were the perfect match for a repo-man job. Also it was the only job he could get. But it looks like now suga-mama Phaedra will be cutting off the monthly allowance if he don’t get his ass in to vacuum dead bodies.

Kroy takes Kim out of the house and to dinner to give Sweetie time to prepare a surprise birthday bash for Kim’s 43rd I mean 33rd birthday.  Kim tells Kroy that once that baby comes out she will running to the nearest  botox-bar and fat vacuuming clinic  and Kroy just laughs about it because at this time he still thinks she is cute. Just give him a minute. Kroy gives the Kimster a chocolate diamond that cost a pretty 32k I guess Big Pooper wouldn’t get this for her, but Kroy somehow got it. I don’t understand.

The Kimster is now peeing every 5 seconds and her fat ass runs to the bathroom as soon as she gets home. The camera men follow her to the bathroom so we get to hear the Kimster peeing behind the closed door. When Kim comes out of the bathroom Sweetie and the gang jump out to surprise Kim who gets all startled and damn near has the baby there because she thinks NeNe is going to jump out of a bush and pull her pregnancy wig off.

Surprisingly Kandi has showed up to the little kitchen surprise party even though things are still weird between her and Kim. During the party all the ho’s join Kim on the NeNe gossip train and Kim says the bitch ate her toofer. After that they move on to talk about “hot sex” and who is having “hot sex” and Brielle is sitting there gagging. Kroy then gives Kim her next present which is getting a massage while the girls grill him about marrying old chimney breath Kim.

Kroy says he wants to take his NFL money, get out of ”Haterville” and run back to good ol’ Montana. Where he plans to open up an outdoor sports store and keep Kim barefoot and preggers. Kim don’t like that shit, and flips him off. One of the women ask Kroy if there is black people in Montana and Kroy says no. So all the other ho’s decide they are going with Kim and Kroy to boring Montana because they need to bring excitement there.

(Ok I promise the next set of late recaps will be housed in the pages area)

According to Blind Gossip one of the housewives is closet-gay, she talks about sex all the time and recently broke up with her female lover (she never mentions her lover’s gender) most people are assuming the suspect is none other than Kandi Burrus. Or maybe Sonja Morgan, or maybe Tamra Barney or Sheree Whitfield?

After more research I found out Mediatakeout.com  posted a recent video where Kandi got into a fight IN PUBLIC ON THE AIR with her rumored lesbian lover:

October 22, 2010: It popped off two nights ago on Kandi Buress’ online talk show. Here’s what happened, Kandi and her friend/co-host Neeq have been fighting recently. Word on the street is that the two are MORE THAN FRIENDS. And that Neeq is upset because Kandi is not ready to settle down for a commitment.

Well, all the pent up animosity EXPLODED on the air during the live webcast. During the webacst, the two girls began PHYSICALLY FIGHTING. And at one point, in the below video, you can hear Kandi say “Call The Police.”

Afterwards, the group regained their composure. But the guest, Lil Duval, appeared to be shaken up after watching the two ladies tussle . . .

Giggi VanderDump is a cute smelly little pooch that hangs around Lisa VanderDump’s arm all the time. But not everyone loves this little dog, retail-slaves that have to clean up after his vomitation-diarrhea extravaganzas are not too thrilled to see him and Lisa when they visit Neiman Marcus:

95% of the Housewives get their prepaid Capital One cards rejected at Filene’s, so that leaves us with Lisa Vanderpump and Giggy from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! Giggy always stumbles around like my drunk uncle with arthritic knees, so I’m surprised he can actually build up the strength to push out a butt nugget. I was under the impression that every so often he gets the heaves, and Lisa has to flick him on the back forcing a ball of piss, shit and vom out of his mouth. That’s he disposes of thee waste. Guess I was wrong. But Giggy is a jewel in a sea of trash so he can go caca wherever he wants. And by “wherever” I specifically mean that nasty witch Kyle Richards’ hair.

Speaking of Lisa one of the house skanks is believed to be having a portion of  Sugar-Daddy Wealthy Sancho on the side behind her husband’s back and the husband is suspicious so much that he has put cameras in their mansion. Everyone is assuming that Lisa VanderDump is putting the cuernos on her old ass husband Ken with Muhamad since the mysterious gossip mentions that the lover is wealthy. Maybe he gets a hold of super Viagra and needs to be with different women even if his main bitch is 20 and his mistress is 50. Rich people do weird shit like that.

Who do you bitches think is having the affair on her huuusband?

 Like my reader Lizzie posted this fool is at it again! Since his last venue got shut down for being a scam and playing people dirty, Cynthia’s husband Peter Thomas just had to run out and start running another scam another business again. Maybe his ass will pay people this time but I doubt it, since he sounds all chaotic and not like someone who is together enough to handle a successful business. Look how he ran the last restaurant into the ground. What I am wondering is, how is he gonna find people to work for him when he apparently already pissed everyone off in that town and never mind finding peons to pour wine what about patrons? Did this  dipshit open the restaurant in another state? Because when people find out who owns the new restaurant how the fuck are they going to be willing to visit his new venue and give him any business ? If all the previous reports are true about Peter running a scam will these people really want  to get robbed and bullied again by this prick and his thugs?

Here are some snapshots of the event, NeNe Leakes was in attendance hosting the grand opening while Peter ran a new scam and changed the prices on the wine:

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NeNe Leakes and Greg Leakes are in fact divorcing despite the fact that they previously denied it.  Check out this video. Greg gets a phone call from some DJ dude named Corey King that he owes money to .the DJ pulled a Jill Zarin maneuver by calling him  and putting him on full blast and not telling him he is on the air with everyone and their moma listening.

Watch Corey King and his buddy there, they’re giving each other hi-fives while laughing at Greg as the poor bastard hangs  out his dirty laundry on the air for all to hear. It seems that Greg borrowed money from this DJ dude, to keep up the appearance that him and NeNe are the Joneses and because supposedly they were in danger of getting their house foreclosed on.Weren’t they getting evicted?  But the truth always comes out with these ho’s and Greg in fact, admits what we’ve all been suspecting all along, and that is, that they’re broke asses fronting a lifestyle that they can’t afford because they’re more broke than some of us here.

 Greg also admits that NeNe is a pain in the ass, whose faux fame has gone to her head and that she is going to pay him back those 300k he borrowed from the DJ. Greg also states that Lisa Wu Hartwell is getting booted out of the show for being too boring and that Kim Zolciak is a skanky ho’ who sucks married dick for coin. But we all knew that!

Last season NeNe Leakes and Kim Zolciak were sworn enemies but this coming season it seems that they ended their silly feud and joined evil forces because suddenly  they both hate on Dwight Eubanks, now. Who knew? Kim and NeNe went to the Lowes Hotel in Atlanta, GA with cameras in tow and confronted Dwigth over some bullshit, then it turned into WWF and a brawl broke out resulting in both Tranny Bitches jumping a Queen and Amazon size NeNe breaking a chairs leg and chasing after Dwight with it.

Are all these House Ho’s shows being directed and produced by Jerry Springer now? Anything for ratings and pay.

 Radaronline reports that security got called because those Bitches were tearing up the room that the fight was taking place in.  And it is rumored around Atlanta that most restaurants and hotels have banned these phsyco ass Bitches and the Bravo camera circus that follow them from filming in their establishments, because of these same shenanigans.

Last season Dwight was all buddy, buddy with NeNe and would make fun of Kim and all that good shit, but this season NeNe is trying to showe a broken chair leg up his ass, while he calls her a comon prostitute and Kim tries to murder him with a vase. The reason for the  fight was about some silly shit involving Dwight talking shit about those 2 ho’s and spreading rumors of course, it’s always that same fight. I guess NeNe brings the hood with her, wherever she goes.

“Dwight was at the hotel for what he thought was going to be a casual meeting,” a source tells RadarOnline.com “But instead the producers had their own plans as they brought in Kim and NeNe to confront Eubanks about several issues, only for Dwight to call them out.

“NeNe and Kim came storming into the hotel and got straight in Dwight’s face, accusing him of spreading lies about them and making up rumors.

“It was absolutely crazy! NeNe and Kim were both screaming at him, and he gave back as good as he got. Dwight started yelling at NeNe that she was nothing but a common prostitute and that she had hooked up with a married man, and he totally trash talked Kim too.

NeNe lost her temper and attacked Dwight with a chair, breaking off a leg and Kim threw a vase at him! It was like a scene out of some crazy movie !

 “Security rushed over and had to split them up, then NeNe and Kim stormed out.”

It is also reported by Mediatakeout.com that NeNe has left her husband Greg for that one football player, Charles Grant  from the New Orleans Saints, that was rumored she was banging on the side. Apparently after her son Bryce was arrested, and then was arrested a second time, last month this put a lot of stress in her marriage to Greg and now she has left him for that other man.

This dude here:

Here is some other gossip, NeNe stormed out and walked out on an interview with Good Day New York after finding out the show is owned by  Fox the same network that told everybody and their mama that Greg and NeNe are not the Joneses:

The “Real Housewife of Atlanta” star was supposed to be a guest on FOX 5’s “Good Day New York” to talk about her new book, “Never Make the Same Mistake Twice.” Sources on the set tell TMZ that she realized it was a FOX show just a few minutes before her appearance.

She bailed, according to witnesses, telling people she hates the network. We’re told it might have something to do with a FOX Atlanta reportthat didn’t paint NeNe and her husband in a very positive light.

 Sounds like we have a fun and exicting season of RHOA coming up!

Thanks to reader Danielle for the tip!

All the Bitches are said to come back for another season of the wreckage that is The Real Housewives of Atlanta . No one got the boot. Surprisingly, even Lisa Wu Hartwell will be back for a next round and that Bitch is boring. Apparently she is trying her hand at real acting and appeared on an episode of Meet The Browns. 

 Blogger Sanda Rose posted that Kandi Burrus store named TAGS is going out of business soon. She posted on her blog that many customers complain that TAGS is rarely open and the phone rings off the hook. One frustrated customer even  took to her Twitter page to complain about TAGS being closed during business hours :” I have went to your store 3x’s and it has been closed.Went today at 730…. closed. What are the hours of operation? Kandi got pissed off and denied the rumor while on an interview with AJC:“Our store is doing very very well,”

We also gonna see a new Bitch on the RHOA her name is Phaedra Parks  and she is an attorney. Are you serious? Does this chick want to lose a lot of clients? Because no serious person in their right mind gonna hire a crazy ho’  who obviously suffers from Attention Whore Personality disorder who is on a  trashy reality show to be their attorney. I guess I ‘ve heard it all now.

 Sheree Whitfield’s fashion line flopped because Sheree realized she had to work and Sheree wasn’t down with that shit. She told HoneyMag.com:

“It’s a lot of work and I’ve got so many things that I’m really passionate about. Don’t get me wrong that’s my passion, but right now it’s hard trying to find the right group of people to come together and help out. You can’t do it by yourself. It takes a team. And being in Atlanta it’s very hard. If I was in L.A., if I was in New York, if I was in Paris, you have those type of like-minded people. I can’t find people with the same business sense that I have.”

But of course Sheree says it isn’t her fault, it’s everybody else’s fault because people in Atlanta are not fabulous fashionistas like her.

NeNe Leakes said a few days ago that if they film the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills those Bitches are gonna be the most ridiculous ho’s ever:”If they do the Beverly Hills Housewives, they’ll probably be all plastic – big lips, fake tits, tummy tucks,”  

She also says she loves Gretchen Rossi because NeNe hates the other Ho’s in RHOC and Gretchen pisses them off:“Gretchen Rossi (of the O.C version) is the only one that I truly, truly love,” she added. “I think she’s fun, beautiful and she’s making all the bit**es mad and I love it. Make ‘em mad girl! She has great hair; we talk all the time and just had dinner together in Beverly Hills. Did I say she has great hair?”  Well I think that Bitch better start doing her job right and piss off that platypus big fake lipped, fake tits, Tijuana tummy tuck- bitch Alexis untill her sanctimonious head spins and she shits her $500 dollar panties.

Kim Zolciak  can’t decide if she is a lesbian or back with Big Poppa.  On February 25 Kim told Atlanta radio station Q100 : “I’m still with Big Poppa”. Kim also says that she is demanding more money from Bravo .

 Kim feels that Bravo should pay her more money to make an ass of herself on national TV:“They need to up it … It was very dramatic and very traumatic last year. I’ve got to at least get paid what it’s worth.”  I say pay the ho’ the money. Because, after all where else would they find such a classy, trailer trash-box ho, with porn boobs and a living mange infested wig  who can make stupid millionaire married midget men put her on their payroll. I mean seriously, the Bitch is so stupid she is  a genius.

And speaking of Divas who demand more money from Bravo, Silex-Simon van Kempen from RHONYC  talked to US Magazine about Kim’s lesbian publicity stunt : “The rumor is that Kim Zolciak will come out this season,” When Kim heard about this she was more than likely already drunk off her ass, from all the white wine she starts having at 10 am,  had a shit fit, then she took to her Twitter page to start a war with Simon: “WOW…who the hell is Simon van Kempen? Talking abt me in US weekly. Give me a break…Get ur facts straights, Never met that man in my life.”

Another  source also told  US Magazine: “Tracy broke up with her longtime girlfriend to be with Kim. Since they’ve been together, Tracy lost a lot of weight and got really skinny for Kim. They seem to be beyond happy with each other.”

There are other people out there who support Kim’s story of being a lesbian but Bravo executives say, that the reason Kim has “become gay’ is to get more money out a more scandalous story line and that they don’t believe Kim and her bullshit story, after all she is a pathological liar. No shit Sherlock! That Bitch lies like a cheap rug in a roach motel, and she certainly can’t keep her story straight she needs to slow down on the white wine apparently it’s affecting her memory, since she can’t remember if this week she is gay or with Big Poppa or dating the Puerto Rican Leprechaun behind the fridge. Maybe she ’s three timing Big Poppa, Tracy and the Leprechaun.