Because Teresa called Melissa a gold-digging tramp, that would leave her current husband, Tree’s brother, for a wealthier sugar daddy when she shakes her ass for quarters at the clubs while screaming into the microphone. Melissa confronts Tree and demands an apology that never comes from Teresa because now she is pissed that Melissa called Barney Devito’s brief stay at Club Med  ( I don’t want to say jail and offend anybody here, big ole’ eye roll) ‘JAIL’ and so these bitches manage to turn the Summer Solstice Gathering  into The Summer Solstice Gathering That Went Horribly Wrong. Only the RHONJ wild beast in 7 inch heels can ruin a purity party with fucking fairies and third eyes.

So this is how shit went down, Jacqueline shows up at Teresa’s shore shack to help her put makeup on and get ready for a boat trip. While Jacqueline is making up Tree to look like Crusty The Clown’s tranny twin, she is asking her questions about why her ass keeps going to the rag-mags and spills out all her business but, then expects her friends and family to shut the fuck up when they’re gossiping about her. When instead Teresa should of gone and spill her beans to her friends and family in the first place so, this way they can rag-mag on her ass with no pay.

Teresa explains to Jax how her comment to Psycho Midge Joey was only done with love, and to warn him that his bitch wife may leave him for a fatter bank account. Why with all of Mel’s appearances at clubs and whatnot some bigger king pin may snag that ho’ when Joey is not looking.

Soon after that, the Gorgas and Wikipedia’s show up at Teresa’s shore shack, who brought along Rosie and Kathy’s mom to watch the kids while the bitches and their husbands board a boat to get drunk and fight.

While Kathy’s mom Rosie and the teenage Wikipedia kids are watching the small children everyone is off on the boat ride. However, this time the fun is happening at the shore shack outside on the sidewalk, where the little wild Gorga/Giudice miniature beasts are running amuck on the streets and a car damn-near runs over little Audriana who Rosie has to grab in a mad dog rush and while she is grabbing Audriana, little Joey Gorga Jr  (I think it was little Joey Gorga Jr, I’m writing this from memory here) is trying to ride his bike over a moving car and all the other little monkeys are going apeshit . That’s what happens when you have a mixture of Gorga/Giudice ADD-DNA mixed with a bag of sugar per kid, it’s a deadly combination. Rosie who was suckered into watching these out-of-control mini versions of their parents (that’s scary) was thinking in her head THIS IS WHY I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN!  Noo shit! This is why I only did that shit ONCE! After that mini hurricane of crazy, poor Rosie needed a scotch a SERIOUS SCOTCH!! This is what she gets for agreeing to watch those wild beasties. But, at least there was enough wine and liquor in that house to keep her drunk for a couple of months.

 

 

On the boat ride everyone is uncomfortable and Jacqueline who likes to pretend ‘everything is fine!’ starts talking shit about how the godmother Caroline Manzo is going through menopause and this is the reason she is a bitch. I believe it! I also think Caroline was born with menopause since she is been a bitch since she was a baby. Just look at her offspring Caroline Jr, she is been going through menopause since before the show started! Is in the Manzo genes.

The awkwardness gets more awkward when, Teresa and Richie get into an argument over who deserved to get punched in the face more, Richie or Barney Devito. Midget Psycho Joey thinks Tree was brainfucked by Barney Devito the way he got brainfucked by Melissa. Then, they all force themselves to smile for a family picture.

At the Manzo compound Lauren continues to whine about how fat she is. Her momma Caroline says YES YOU ARE! And then proceeds to remind Lauren not to hate her brothers because they’re beautiful golden thin children but, it’s not their fault. Since this wasn’t enough humiliation, while Lauren and Vito are cooking dinner all the other Manzo fuckers start gang-punking on how fat Lauren and Vito are, and how lard-assy and huge their future children will be and the only advantage those children will have is they will be able to beat up on Albie and Christopher’s future thin gifted attractive children. Lauren is all sad and acknowledges that Vito only likes Shore Whores with tight butts and surfboard abs. To rub salt in that wound, like any good brother would, Albie pulls out a photo of his current girlfriend (you mean Gregg?) and tells Lauren that’s the kind of skank Vito likes. While Albie was clowning on Lauren’s fatness the godmother Caroline just laughed it off like her sons are so cute for doing that and Lauren was about to cry. Later on, when the cameras left Lauren ate a 20 lb. tub of ice cream while washing it down with her tears.

And finally all the bitches go to Jacqueline’s Summer Solstice party hosted by her psychic Tia. Psychic? I call bullshit on that, for one she hasn’t won the lottery yet, for two she couldn’t predict that inviting the embarrassing RHONJ ho’s was going to only RUIN that purity party which is why they were all required to wear white. They should of worn riot squad gear instead.

While at the party Mel decides to talk with Caroline about her favorite subject TERESA. Caroline tells Melissa that since Tree is the new Joker Face (same speech different bitch) and an asshole she is trying to destroy the family because she hates Melissa. Really? Besides Caroline what else is old?

Teresa shows up at the Solstice Party with Kim D (that bitch is still alive?) and is pissed that her brother Midget Psycho Joey has repeated to Mel the dig warning Tree gave him on that bitch being a gold-digger who will walk out on him if a richer man comes along.

 

 

The Third Eye Fairies give everyone a third eyeball, but I believe with these fucktwits that shit is blind deaf and dumb, so there’s no hope for them. Not even with a third eye.

Rosie pulls Tree to the side so nobody could hear them except the cameramen and all of the TV audience watching this craziness, and starts bringing up the bullshit about the gold-digger comment between Tree and her Midget brother. Rosie tells Teresa she just wants everyone to shut the fuck up, cut the bullshit and party, she also says she is surrounded by a bunch of stupid idiots and now she needs more liquor.

Everyone agrees that Teresa’s  true motive for that gold-digging comment is because she is a jealous bitch with a husband who has cheating issues and is projecting onto the Gorgas the current situation in her own marriage. Supposedly Midget Psycho Joey was the one who found out that Barney Devito was cheating on Teresa and he is the one who threatened Barney Devito with telling Tree all about it. Teresa ended up discovering the questionable text on Barney Devito’s phone.

Tree tries to sweep that shit under the rug because she is embarrassed and then forces Jacqueline to be on her side, or else.

Soon after that Mel and Tree get into a bitching spewage over how Midget Joey never called Tree when Barney Devito was someone’s bitch at the fabulous jail house. Tree gets all batshit crazy and offended that this bitch mentioned ‘jail’ when according to Teresa the proper term is ‘he went away,’ and so Tree turns this comment into a fight, just like Mel and Joey turned the gold-digging dig into a big ole’ fight. Shit never ends with these fucktards. After  Teresa gets horribly offended she runs out of the party all pissed off.

Mel goes back to cry to Mama Manzo and starts singing her same tired victim song “I tried,  she is nuts I don’t know what the fuck happened” and Caroline agrees with the whole thing and calls Teresa a bully. Turd meet the dingle-berry!

Kathy says that old Mafiosos use the word ‘away’ instead of jail because that’s old school Mafioso respect and understands why Teresa flipped out. But, doesn’t understand why she is using old school terminology when nowadays going to jail is like saying he went on vacation and nobody gives a shit anymore. Besides, why is this ho’ tripping all of her and her husband’s dirty chones have been airing out their stinky odors since she started appearing on this Bravo Circus; same goes for everyone else.

While Teresa is running in her hooker stilettos to her car, Jacqueline, Kim D and the socalled psychic Tia are chasing her down begging her not to leave. Tia is brave enough to grab Tree’s arm, bitch better watch out Tree has gorilla strength and may send her flying across the parking lot onto a parked car the same way she tossed Miss Andy like a rag doll during that one reunion. I wonder if maybe Tia has never watched this show and that may explain why she has balls.

After much negotiating (as if Teresa was holding hostages and the other bitches were cops) she agrees to talk to Mel under the condition that she don’t bring up Barney Devito’s vacation in Club Med.

When Mel goes out to confront Tree in the parking lot, the bitches are going back and forth and yelling at each other. So much for fairy dust, third eyes and harmony!  Melissa starts demanding an apology from Tree Beast for saying she will leave Midget Joey for a fatter wallet to suck on. Teresa says that if Joey would of just kept his big bitch mouth shut and kept the comment in confidence (but forgets how to pronounce confidence and says confidante or some stupid shit)  this shit-storm would have been avoided. It’s called stirring shit up for the cameras Tree, you done that before.

The argument goes on and on and gets louder and louder plus these bitches are waving their arms around throwing gang signs and shit like that. They argue about gifts, and their kids birthdays and about how Barney Devito throws away the gifts that Mel brings the Giudice girls and who is a bigger bitch than who. Teresa tries to leave but Mel stops her and yells ‘walk away coward like you always do!’ Then, Teresa comes back getting into full orangutan fight mode and we cut to commercials.

Okay so I’m a sick whore and was hoping these bitches where going to scratch each other’s eyes out and throw Louboutin shoes at each other using the heels as weapons all while in the glamorous parking lot where all the bitch chola fights happen with this crew. But, NOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

We start this episode with the continuation of Ashley Holmes getting kicked out of her mom and stepdad’s house in New Jersey and into the fun non-stop partying Sin-City of Vegas. Albie Manzo is sent to babysit drive Ashley and make sure she gets on that plane. Yeah, that went real well.

Now lets visit the Giudice’s at their empty money laundering front Pizzeria that apparently is shut down now. Supposedly since Barney Devito couldn’t drive himself to work and get ‘those lunches out on time’ he had to go out of business. But, don’t worry Barney Devito is crafty and has a new scheme up his sleeve, he is going to light a match and burn down the gas station across the street owned by one Richie Wikipedia, and turn that shit into an old folks social security/ medicare scam of some sort.  But, Richie Wikipedia doesn’t know his ass is getting ‘evicted’ from his gas station yet.  But, he will and this is because paybacks are a bitch. More on that later.

Since we are in the subjects of shit shutting down let’s visit with Lauren Manzo aka Godmother Caroline Manzo Jr. Remember that cosmetics front store she opened last season when she had Ashley draw her  T-shirts with crayons then she bitched her out and whatnot? Well apparently the next day, yes you heard that correct THE NEXT DAY Lauren closed shop. Lauren had some hissy fit over people not kissing her ass enough or some shit. So, she didn’t even have that store opened for a punk ass 10 minutes when she decided to fold up and go home to cry to mommy who fed her a buffet of  1/16^th Italian fried meatballs until Lauren gained more weight so this way Godmother Manzo can have a story line and tell the world how fat her daughter is.  Since when do you open a store and not even give it a chance? She closed shop the next day?  Now I know why Lauren is always crapping on Ashley, she is hoping that pointing the finger at Ashley’s non-stop, conga-line of partying will make people not notice her failing attempts at having a business. Lauren has no room to talk about what a loser Ashley is. But, since Godmother Manzo couldn’t get Lauren on ‘The biggest Loser’ since that’s the show she should go on; she takes her to some hippie doctors that’s going to put Lauren on some Anorexia diet hoping that if she loses some weight her cosmetics store will be more successful and people will kiss Lauren’s skinny size four ass. Size four? Now you’re pushing it bitch!

And since those fried 1/16^th Italian meatballs get around they are making an appearance at Jacqueline’s get-together where fried meatballs are the main dish.  The Giudice’s are also making an appearance so they can get bashed by everybody some more work things out.

Ashley purposely misses her flight.  It appears that Albie was unable to carry on this mission and strap ‘Ke$ha’  on that one-way plane to Vegas.  Ashley walks in and says hi to everyone like it’s no big deal she had missed her flight because she couldn’t find any straw-NyQuil to suck on and powdered donuts to snort on. Chris decides to take Ashley to the airport himself first thing in the morning. But, not until he tells Ashley she has no commonsense and her little brother CJ who knows how to operate the vacuum better than Ashley because he can follow directions would of NOT  missed the flight.

When Teresa shows up everyone purposely ignores her while she is trying to speak, they seem tired of hearing her. Finally she makes herself loud enough and brings up that she is apologizing AGAIN over the so called jokes she spewed out in her books. Tree asks her brother Midget Psycho Joey if he read her first book, and Psycho Joey gets all pissed off this bitch  even asked him if he read her book or not, since EVERYBODY KNOWS Joey doesn’t know how to read and now Teresa’s constant questioning and unrequested advice to read her book is making everyone in the room uncomfortable. AAAWKWAAARD!

Melissa changes the convo and tells Tree they will take one in the ass for the team so she can make a buck or some shit. Truth be told they all take one in the ass when they’re in a reality show in order to make a buck.

Meanwhile in the basement where I guess the cameras where not allowed, a fists fight occurred between Barney Devito and Richie Wikipedia, over who is the shortest Joe. Barney Devito or Midget Joey. Since Barney Devito has little dick syndrome he got all pissed off at Richie Wikipedia and went to grab his balls, Richie turned around and hit him in the head with some sort of candlestick holder and this gave Barney Devito a black eye and bloody nose, this is the reason he is out for vengeance against Richie Wikipedia and will burn down his gas station to open up an old folks swingers home. Old people need to get laid too. And can you believe none of this bullshit got caught on camera!

Later on Barney Devito is at home drinking the pain of his lost fight away and has the guys over for some fun gossipy time. While Barney Devito was pouring wine, his children where running amuck and one of them I think it was Milania (I’m writing this from memory) punches Albie in the nuts. While Barney Devito cooks the food his daughter Milania tells him he is not a cooker he is a hooker. Maybe that’s why he was trying to grab Richie’s balls?

When the other men bring up Barney Devito’s drivers license ordeal he brings up his brother-in-law Psycho Midget Joey’s inability to pay his bills on time. The other men are friends with Midget Joey so the whole combo was  AWKWARD! During a talking heads interview, Chris Laurita says that he lost respect for Barney Devito for being a 40 year old loser who uses other people’s birth certificate to get a drivers license. Can’t believe Bravo is trying to make the men be gossipy Sunday-bitches also.

 

Back at the Wikipedia home we find out that young Master Wikipedia has a young girl send him naked pictures of herself. His dad Richie Wikipedia is all sorts of proud of his son who is now ‘ a full grown man’ and can look at naked bitches.  His momma Kathy however, is disgusted that a young lady would be such a floozy and send her son those porn shots. While all this shit was going on Richie was busy eyeballing that young ho’ s pictures because he is going to save those pics for his son later so he can get his mack on.

Later on Melissa is trying to sing a ballad in her homegrown music studio and her producer tells her to sing like she means it. Even though this bitch tries, it still doesn’t work until the producer auto tunes the shit out of that song and suddenly Melissa is an award winning ballad songstress. Maybe Gretchen Rossi should of hired this auto tune master for her Pussycats Doll Disaster.

And finally Melissa makes a romantic dinner for her and Midget Psycho Joey who has to shout across the 10 foot long dinner table and thinks Melissa is preggers again; until she tells him she is just presenting him her new song and he decides to get that bitch drunk so he can knock her up with a little Gorga baby. AGAIN!

 

 

 

New Jersey House Skanks have always followed the tradition of Caroline and ho-stars against one bitch, and since Joker Face made her exit the one bitch that got singled out and chosen to be the Pinata of the show was Teresa Giudice and this coming up season will be no different. Teresa’s ho-stars have gone so far in their hatred against her that now the bitches refuse to be seeing, photograph or do any type of promotion with this bitch.

From Huffington Post:

“It is so ugly between Teresa and the rest of the cast that they can’t even be in the same room with each other,”

“But this isn’t one-sided, and the hate goes both ways. Caroline Manzo, Kathy Wakile, Jacqueline Laurita and Melissa Gorga want nothing to do with Teresa, and she wants nothing to do with them.”

The Melissa insider, reveals that this season will be the most dramatic and that the other bitches may not want to return for another round. Also season four started filming while season five was still playing.

“This season is the most dramatic yet,” one cast member tells me. “It got so ugly that I’m not sure any of us will want to return for another season if Teresa remains on the show. The betrayal and backstabbing is heartbreaking. I have not seen how it will be all edited together yet, but let’s just say everyone will get to see [Teresa’s] true colors.”

 Caroline Manzo put her fity-cent in and says Tree got a serious case of Attention Whore Personality Disorder (since Caroline is nothing like that!) Snot meet the bugger. Caroline told Life & Style:

 ”Fame is like a drug,”  “If you don’t have your feet planted solidly on the ground, it can really take you for a trip.”

Some random person that owns a store also put her opinion in about Tree’s wild ways:

“Teresa has an unhealthy need to be the best,”

Also Tree’s cousin Kathy Walkile says that she tried to reason with Tree by handling her with “kid gloves” and more blowouts went down when Teresa told her brother that his wife Melissa would leave him for a bigger wallet:

 But Melissa found herself under attack after Teresa told her brother (Melissa’s husband, Joe) that Melissa would leave him for a richer man. “It hurt so bad,” Melissa tells Life & Style. “There’s just no reason to ever say something like that.”

But, Teresa insists is all those other bitches who are in the wrong and feels pissed that her friends kicked her to the curb to kiss ass on her family:

“In a perfect world, I’d be closer with my family,” Teresa tells Life & Style. “Or, at the very least, my friends would help me repair those relationships rather than attempt to cause additional problems between us.”

These ho’s are coming back  this  Sunday April 22 with new shenanigans.

 

 

How things have changed; on season one Teresa Giudice used to go on mad shopping sprees., throwing hundred dollar bills as she skipped along the isles of various boutiques and furniture stores, blowing thousands of dollars as she pleased on all kinds of shit and bragging about how she didn’t like living in used linoleum floor houses, and how she was a happy wife with a happy life and no budget limitations.

Fast forward to now and Teresa has gone through financial problems, lawsuits, embarrassing shit, fought with every relative, friend and their mamma etc.  And now she is going around shopping at discount stores, (where she never would of shopped before) and apparently while shopping at Marshall’s in Totowa NJ her credit card got declined. Teresa then got all embarrassed and looked around asking to borrow a 100 dollar bill to pay for her shopping.

 

Teresa is also now realizing that Reality TV ruined her life and killed her relationships with her family and friends. Something she didn’t want to admit in the past.

Teresa realizes that she:

“traded family and friends for fame”

Teresa also says that her and Jacqueline used to be close before this housewives ordeal:

“My Housewives experience has completely changed. Jacqueline and I had a wonderful relationship for about 10 years. We were great friends, but not anymore. It’s so sad. We actually went through a ‘friends divorce’, which is so hard.”

Teresa is still pissing bricks that she was not notified, her brother and SIL would be joining the show and says :

“I felt deceived.”

She also hasn’t spoken to her brother for a while:

“I haven’t spoken to my brother since before Christmas. We haven’t gone this long without talking in my whole life! I’d have to say that reality TV ruined our family, and it’s a disgrace.”

Thanks to all my readers that posted and emailed me links to this juicy piece of gossip!

 

The Real House Bitches Of The New Jerseys will be coming back in April with it’s fourth season. Last season introduced us to Teresa’s sister in law Melissa Gorga and cousin Kathy Wakile. This set the foundation for Teresa to go from the Bitch of the show on season 3, to the full Asshole that everyone hates on the show on the coming season 4 because suddenly all of them including Caroline hate her because they are all a bunch of assholes, Teresa also.

There will be appearances by  ex-house wife Dina Manzo who is no longer speaking to her sister but, is still friends with Tree she even sides with her. Melissa Gorga will question her husband’s sexuality and will also be confronted by her ex-boss where Mel supposedly worked as a stripper. Kathy and husband will have to deal with routine teenage problems. The Manzo boys will try to buy a luxury skank-magnet, they will also shit on Laurence’s self-esteem and her future chunky children with Vito. And of course there will lots of Teresa yelling and going apeshit on the other bitches the other ho’s will also go on bitch slap mode on Tree. That one coked out drunk-bitch Kim D will be there also, calling Joe Gorga a ‘midget.’ Barney Devito tells Tree to ‘shut up,’ and there’s one scene where the men are talking and Barney agrees Teresa hates all the other bitches. Also it looks like Tree and Mel will finally duke it out outside, in front of Melissa’s house the way bitches do it at the trailer park every Saturday night. NICE!

 

The show is not even on, but the family feuds continue. Just like Melissa Gorga is refusing to spend Christmas with Teresa (for obvious reasons) Kathy Walkile is also refusing to spend the holidays with her niece Teresa. According to her latest Hollywood Life interview.

 “We’ll host Christmas Eve at our house and have our family and friends,”  Kathy told Hollywood Life “I haven’t spoken to them [Teresa and her other cousin Joe Gorga’s wife Melissa Gorga  yet, but I know that Teresa hosts Christmas  Eve herself — so I don’t know.”

Kathy states that  if Teresa does not show up, they won’t even miss her because she has plenty of family to replace her. “Usually we have a big open house for Christmas Eve,”  and adds. “You’re family just keeps getting bigger and bigger, so I don’t think there will be a shortage of people — friends and family.”

She says since everyone is running around busy she doesn’t know what Teresa’s schedule will be, why with all the cooking books and Trump show appearances she may not have time to stop by and host the Christmas Family Fight 2011 “You know, everybody gets busy,” an adds. “It’s a busy time of the year for everybody.”

And since none of them are talking to Teresa she is not sure how this will work out . “It’s yet to be determined,” Melissa  also put her 2cents in and told HollywoodLife.com at the Reeve Foundation Magical Evening Gala at NYC’s Cipriani Wall Street on Nov. 30. “Sometimes when something stresses you out and when you have to think to hard about something, sometimes it’s better to stay away for a little while.”

 Joe Gorga says he is tired of the bitch-drama. “There’s certain things you just can’t forgive and forget,” he says “It’s a holiday. You want to enjoy it. You want to be happy. You don’t want to be aggravated. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I want to be happy.”

If he doesn’t want the drama maybe he should start by buying Melissa a muzzle, since she is the one that’s been busy lately bashing on Tree.

Also Melissa may be trying her hand at cookbooks, since she has to compete with Teresa on everything that other bitch does. She shared a “family recipe” with People to show off that she too can cook.

 

From People:

I love cooking in the kitchen with my family, with everyone picking at the food before it makes it to the table,” the Voli vodka ambassador tells PEOPLE.

As for her signature dish, she says it’s “a traditional family recipe” best sipped with a pomegranate Voli martini, which she calls “light, refreshing, sweet and sour.”

She also says Teresa’s been a big help and teacher in the kitchen. “I am a good cook, but nothing compares to my sister,” Gorga says. “She is a pro. She sometimes teaches me her secret recipes.”

Want to feast like a Housewife? Not only is Gorga providing her favorite holiday recipe, but she’s also offering instructions for how to make her favorite drink while cooking.

Linguine alla Vongole

1 lb. linguine
¼ cup water
6 garlic cloves, crushed
6 red dried chili peppers, less or more according to how spicy you like it
½ cup extra virgin olive oil
½ cup white wine
2 tbsp. chopped, fresh leaf parsley
3 lbs. little neck hard shell clams
pinch of salt

Clean the clams well and place them in a large pot, covering them with water and placing the lid on pot while heating at medium high until clams burst open.

Remove the clams as they open and pit them into a separate bowl. Clams that don’t open should be trashed.

Scrape the clams and the juices from the shells and put them in a separate bowl.

Rinse the clams again to avoid their being sandy. Pour all of the liquid from the pot into the bowl with the juices and pass all the remaining liquids through a strainer.

To Serve

In a large sauce pan, heat the oil over medium heat and cook the garlic until it is golden brown.

Then add the parsley, chili peppers, a pinch of salt and white wine, letting them all cook together for about three minutes. Add in a little more than half of the clam juices. The liquid should reduce by ½, then stir in the remaining juices and clams and let them cook for another two minutes.

Bring a large pot of water to boil with a pinch of salt. Keeping the pasta a little firm, drain it and return it back into the pot.

Add the clam sauce and stir very gently. Top it off with a little parsley, and voila! (Serves 6)

Voli Pom Martini

1½ oz. Voli Lyte (works with Voli lemon, too)
2 oz. pomegranate juice
¼ oz. lemon juice

In a mixing tin, add ice, Voli Lyte, pomegranate juice, lemon juice and shake.

Strain into martini glass, and add an orange twist for garnish.

 

So there you go, let me know if any of you try these recipes.

 

Ok I know this recap is hella late, but I was called to do some Jane Bond Mission Impossible dirty work and was not around to rag on these ho’s ( At one point I cound’t reach the keyboard). Ok so here it is. Pretend I posted this earlier. Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reunion parts 1 & 2.

I hate to admit it, but Joker Face was right when she said those bitches don’t need her crazy crusty ass to bring on the drama because that shit was already there.

The first thing  Miss Andy brings up is the Greek tragedy these people’s lives have turned into and the missing Jacqueline who decided to hide under her bed with her eyes closed and her fingers in her ears until the Bravo van left her driveway.  Caroline blames Jacqueline’s absence on Teresa  because of the incident that took place at the Posche 2011 Fashion Showdown the previous night which Teresa caused, and because of all this Jacqueline is not attending and also because she doesn’t want to “look” at Teresa’s hair line. Teresa tells Caroline to not speak for that bitch and that if she started shit she should finish it. Caroline has her Godmother gloves on and Teresa says “bring it on baby!” she meant bitch.

Teresa says that she’s been laughing all the way to the bank with the money she was paid for the ruined 10-year relationshit with Jacqueline that unfolded on TV.Caroline says she is glad Teresa is laughing because Jacqueline is crying (since Jacqueline didn’t take advantage of jumping on the  hawking shit on TV train while the  Teresa relationshit was going to shit.) Teresa says she got her crying out of the way early and says Caroline is the captain of this bitch platoon that attacked her.

The cook/insult book gets brought up, and Teresa says something so stupid so ridiculous that makes her look like the biggest fool so far to hit these train-wreckage reunion shows. After Teresa gets called out on being a demented bitch, (who took an entire page of her book plus wasted energy on ragging on Melissa about being a copycat when instead she could of used that page for another recipe) Teresa tries to imply that she was not speaking about Melissa when she insulted her because she didn’t mention Melisa’s name. What kind of morons does she think everyone is? Andy was rolling up his eyes at this bitches moronic response. And I was embarrassed for her that’s how bad it was.

Caroline and Teresa keep being snippy at each other and Miss Andy feels this is a perfect time to bring up Teresa’s comment that Caroline is only 1/16th Italian. Teresa tries to downplay it like it’s no big deal and says if someone said the same thing to her she would just laugh it off, then she insults Caroline when she tells her in Italian I’M 100% ITALIAN! And it goes right over Caroline’s head because she doesn’t understand what Teresa just said.

Caroline expresses how very butt hurt she is that Teresa dared insult her baby’s ambitious desire to open up a car-wash strip joint. Teresa tries to say AGAIN that it was a joke “HA, HA!” But that she wouldn’t want her daughters to work in that puterio. Caroline then decides she will front Christopher the money to open up the strip/car-wash joint and recruit the Giudice girls when they each turn 18, but before they will each prick their finger in a spinning wheel as revenge. BUA HA HA!!

Teresa tries to say that if she didn’t love to insult Caroline she wouldn’t of put a lovely picture of her in her Fabulicious book. Caroline then says she wants Tree to take the picture of her out in all of the cookbooks, even the ones people bought. Meaning Teresa will have to somehow break into people’s houses Ninja style at night and rip the picture out. But then, she tells Teresa to leave the shitty comments to show the world who the asshole is.

Godmother Caroline is also pissed off that Teresa “poisoned” her opinions about Kathy and Melissa causing Caroline to treat them like shit. Teresa reminds Caroline she is her own damn person and Tree can’t influence Caroline to treat anyone like shit. Caroline brings up an example about how Teresa would tell her to never compliment that bitch Melissa and tell her she is pretty because she may believe it.

 Okay so after this, the whole incident of the last reunion when Teresa got up yelling in Joker Face’s mug and pushed Miss Andy like a rag-doll with her orangutan strength because Joker Face brought up Teresa’s nephew, gets revisited. Andy asks Melissa why Joker Face would bring up her son to instigate a bitch slap fest. Melissa has this OH SHIT BUSTED! look on her face because YOU KNOW she was bad mouthing Teresa to Satan on Facebook last time these bitches had a reunion.

Teresa expresses her disgust with her family joining the show, but specially Melissa who brings up how Teresa threatened her life right after Melissa got casted in the same circus as Teresa. 

More denial comes out of Teresa’s mouth this time though, she tries to say she was trying to protect Melissa’s big ass forehead and insist that since she was named the fore-headless wonder Melissa may be named the “horse forehead” bitch. Melissa assures everyone that she doesn’t have any self-esteem issues resulting from her gigantic forehead. Caroline gets all Godmother drama on Teresa and tells her she “crucified these people” and points at Kathy and Mel. I think Melissa should just share some of that “horse forehead” with Teresa and call it a night.

Clips from The Christening from Hell get played and we get to see Psycho Joey in his Tiara crying for daddy after he damn near flipped the table when he called Teresa “gawbage.” Teresa gets into it with Melissa over not inviting Psycho Joey to their House Skanks Premiere party. Teresa insists she didn’t invite Mel or Joey because she knew Mel didn’t want to go (because Teresa reads minds.)

 Then, Teresa gives a lesson on “what a good wife does” and says Mel is NOT a good wife for not calling Teresa to kiss her ass and beg her to invite Joey to the Premiere party.  Kathy points out to Teresa that her comment is offensive, but she is too stupid to know that. Everyone has a lame excuse for their behavior. Teresa says her dad doesn’t know Psycho Joey called her “gawbage” or else he will flip a table also.

Miss Andy asks Melissa why the fuck they were mad that Tree and Barney Devito when they were on the dance floor dancing with their baby, and of course that bitch stutters and makes a lame ass excuse. Oh well, I bet she is not even sure how it all got out of control that particular night anyway, since I bet it was all a combination of alcohol, asshole hair trigger-tempers and Bravo producers whispering in their ears and WALAH! They managed to ruin little Gino (or Joey’s?) Christening. FOREVER!

Teresa says that the only reason Psycho Midget Joey threw a fit the night of the Christening is because he believes she kept him off the show. Melissa asks “And you think a  man  cries like a baby  to his daddy on national TV because his sister kept him off the show?” I  can tell Teresa was thinking YEAH!

Miss Andy reads a viewer email to Melissa who calls out Psycho Joey for starting the Christening Brawl from hell after he name called Teresa and got all apeshit on her ass almost flipping the table. Melissa surprisingly says she doesn’t hold Teresa responsible for the shit flinging, and admits Psycho got it to the next level.

Kathy finds out she is also part Gorga and may have temper problems and Melissa gets asked if her sister was punched in the face by Mama Giudice and Teresa says she punched that bitch because she pulled her hair.

 

Teresa denies that Gia watched the Christening episode and tries to play dumb, but then Mama Manzo bustes her. Why doesn’t she just admit she let Gia watch the episode? What’s the big deal “she lived it” didn’t she?

Caroline says that Psycho Joey put on his tiara and sequin, then went all drama, held her hand and told her he felt terrible that he called his sister “gawbage.” Hmm? Why did he say this to Caroline? Did he apologize to Teresa? Maybe he should of saved the theatrics for that, no?

Caroline gets all crazy and yells that Teresa told her she didn’t want to make up with her “asshole” brother. Melissa drops her jaw all wide like she is about to gasp I guess when you call someone an “asshole” you are really threatening their life in this family. Wow! I must threaten my brother’s life quite a bit then. I just called him an asshole today as a matter of fact.

Teresa sits there trying to deny it, but her actions give it away. Mel also jumps in and sticks up for Caroline. It was a gang-bang.

Andy asks the bitches to please teach him how to speak New Joysey Slang. Lesson number one. “Youse” means “You guys” or “Ya’ all” meaning you are referring to a group of people. Andy revisits “ingrediencess” and then calls Melissa a “wench” Melissa admits she is a wench.

Andy then puts Melissa “On Display” and asks her the 110 million dollar question and asks her if she is half black. Why? Because she looks like the triplet of Tia and Tamera Mowry. The question should not be is Melissa Gorga half black the question should really be, are Tia and Tamera half Italian?

Teresa says she is supportive of Melissa’s one hit wonder music career and then calls her a goldigger.  We also found out Psycho Joe prints money in that big basement where he keeps the bodies of the guys that fucked him over.

Melissa kept dropping her mouth wide open gasping like an innocent little princess and Teresa said “Bring it on Bitches! Bring it on!”

Then Teresa calls Melissa the Devil because she is the one wearing red. Devils also wear blue.

 

Teresa gets called out for her Jewish friend comment. Then she apologizes for saying that, and insist it wasn’t meant as a racist remark since she will be trying to marry Gia off to a Jewish husband in the near future.

Andy asks Teresa how she feels about being the one that brings home the bacon while Barney Devito brings home tips from his minimum wage pizza parlor job. Teresa says it feels great and she is happy. I don’t hear them say “happy wife, hapy life” anymore since they almost went to jail for bankruptcy fraud and they had to change the Giudice slogan to “happy wife, bankruptcy for life”. Teresa also defends the fact she bought her children a shitload of toys for Christmas including a 200 dollar motorized toy car. But it was Jesus’s birthday!

Teresa also admits she was confused when the almost auction went on at her house where she believed she had Picasso paintings worth 50 thousand dollars!

Like this Picasso painting here Teresa owns, she paid fifty thousand dollars for it. She knows it is a fine Picasso painting because the guy at the furniture store told her it was an original Picasso (Damn! I gotta open me a furniture store full of tacky Tijuana shit near these fools!)

WHAT A MORON!!

We also found out Barney Devito is the “go-to-guy for business advice.” Then, Tree adamantly denies her husband being a shady character full of shadiness.

This whole time Caroline has been making “Quizzical” faces at Teresa. Caroline and Teresa get into it and Caroline feels she is “getting dumber as the minutes go by.” Because she is in a “whirlwind of stupid.” Teresa is contagious.

 

Part 2 of the Reunion.

Andy brings up to Melissa that he has never seen anyone as horny as Melissa’s husband and asks her how she keeps him happy. Melissa admits she has to give him booty once a day to keep him happy. But, twice would be better.  What she doesn’t know is that he is getting it 5 times a day when he goes out in this getup:

 How do you think he makes extra money to keeps Mel in Rolexes and living in a mansion?

The problem is Joe is REALLY good at his moonlighting job that he enjoys it. QUITE A BIT. And yes, Jacqueline gave him that outfit because she didn’t want it after Joe’s sweaty balls were in it, so she told him he could have it.

 After that, we have a contest over who has more sex between Teresa and Melissa. I would say about equal since Psycho Joe gets action from his Craiglist hookups while Barney Devito gets extra action from every toothless ho’ he has on the side.

Next they show everyone having sex.  Andy asks Melissa if it bothers her that Psycho Joe likes wearing women’s clothes too much. But, as I explained above he is doing it to keep this woman living in luxury so it doesn’t bother Melissa at all plus she says he’s been doing this a looong time. Even Teresa admits when they were little Psycho Drag Joey always ran around dressed up like a girl. What she doesn’t want to admit is that Joe DID try on her clothes when the two were growing up. (Notice how Kathy and Melissa laugh nervously when Teresa denies that Joey whore her clothes because the bitches know the truth.) Also Teresa’s pretty dresses and shoes always would come up missing and end up in Psycho Joey’s closet and those missing clothes are in that closet until this day.

 Miss Andy brings up Melissa’s past about “slamming the lady pond” and Melissa denies it by saying that her girlfriend was a lesbian, but she wasn’t. I guess she also left some of her clothes in that same closet Psycho Joe hid his sister’s stolen loot.

Teresa denies Barney Devito is a cheater and Caroline knows the bitch is just covering up for her man (the same way she would do) Miss Andy wanted to throw a log in that fire because it was getting too mellow, so he ask Teresa who she believes  leaked the info about Barney Devito’s cheating ways to the gossip blogs and of course Teresa falls Andy’s carefully planned input and insinuates it was Jacqueline who leaked out this info and that this why she is not here. Meanwhile Godmother Caroline is looking “Quizzical” again.

  Miss Andy asks Caroline if Johnny and Christopher are still friends even thought the Manzo’s kicked Kim G out of someone else’s party. Caroline insist that the boys are still in good terms and that Johnny G knows his mom is nuts so it doesn’t make any difference. Teresa brings up that the reason she didn’t like Kim G was because of Caroline’s influence (kind of like the same shit Caroline said earlier about not liking Kathy and Mel because of Teresa’s input.)

Caroline gets asks why she calls her daughter fat when she reminds her she has eight pounds of sausage in a five pound bag. Caroline says she needs to let her daughter know how it is or else who will?  Caroline also gets asked why her husband lied on his application when he had that city job and she tries to stumble around a lame answer. Bottom line is the so called Brownstone apartment wasn’t his permanent residence unless she kicked him out of the house and he lives at the Brownstoner full time.

When Dina and Caroline’s fractured relationship gets brought up Caroline immediately blames Teresa for the damage.

Caroline brings up that the fame has gotten to Teresa. She also admits she talks about that bitch all the time because she doesn’t like her. Tree turns up the sassy and says I’M AS REAL AS THEY COME AND YOU KNOW IT. Mel attacks back and tells Teresa if she keeps spitting that bullshit out it may come true. I guess she was giving Teresa her very own advice which by the way Melissa practices it. Daily. Caroline also says that her feet are planted on the ground and that she chooses to be a mother to her children instead of being on the tabloids. Then she ran to the tabloid crying that her grown children didn’t sign up for this.

Teresa starts freaking out yelling WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!??!! NO WONDER WHY DINA DOESN’T WANNA SPEAK TO YOU!! Dina responded to that on her blog and said she wasn’t taking sides with those crazy bitches.

Caroline responded:

YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT AND YOUR WASTING THIS TAPE

Well too late for that!

Teresa repeats YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT and they go back and forth like 6th graders. Caroline also reveals that because of TERESA Dina is also not speaking to everyone in her house including her children, Jacqueline and her brother Chris.  All because Dina took Teresa’s side, I don’t know maybe Dina is Teresa’s secret lesbian lover too maybe that’s why.

They briefly mentioned that Ashley is an Assholey and Kathy explains it perfectly when she mentioned that “Ashley just hasn’t reached her AH, HA moment” yet. I agree.

Kathy finds out she may have Ramonitis of the eyes after Andy diagnoses her.

See twins separated at birth.

Andy decided it was time to question Kathy’s abilities to successfully throw “all night hookah and cannoli parties.”

Kathy admits that by smoking a little munchy tobacky in her hookah

  

Leads her to genious moments of delicious munchies.

.

  

Teresa just wishes she could have some of the “ingrediencess” in that magical hookah, that make Kathy cook this awesome.

I

  

Ritchie’s job is to keep New Joysey flushed with the good shit.

And speaking about easy going fun stuff, Kathy talks about her daughter Victoria (whose boyfriend is suffering from cracked-nuts courtesy of Ritchie) Kathy says she is grateful her daughter survived a brain tumor. Teresa interrupts to make it about herself and about how Mother Teresa being at the hospital for Victoria “every day” made her realize she doesn’t sweat the small things.

  

This is the other bitches reactions:

  

WTF??!!

Right after Teresa says she doesn’t trip on small shit Ritchie gets brought up and  Teresa says it’s all Ritchie’s fault she doesn’t get invited to Kathy’s hookah parties and all night muchie benders.

Teresa says that because Ritchie is an asshole to her she “dessence” herself from him and Andy ask her what the fuck she is saying? Bitch you don’t know what you’re saying! Tree is pissed that Barney Devito and Ritchie would gang up on her.

Following that little pile up the incident with Audriana gets brought up. Teresa says her child was not unattended and she doesn’t want Kathy calling her a bad parent.  Caroline tries to explain to Teresa that she should be grateful her cousin took Audriana out of danger .

 

Finally Teresa admits she was overreacting, but it took her all season to come to this conclusion.

The Christmas fight gets brought up and Teresa says she wanted her brother and sister-in-law to stay with her all night NOT just three hours. Then she says the other bitches are all bad people.

And Caroline realizes that they are all fucking crazy. Including her.

Big ole’ yelling match among all the bitches followed , but it was specially all of them jumping on Teresa.

Melissa brought up Barney Devito’s name calling her “raccoon face” Teresa immediately jumps in and says,

 ”HE WAS TALKING ABOUT KATHY!”

  

Watchoo Talkin’ Bout, Willis!?

  

SOOO THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER???

  

CONGRATULATIONS TERESA YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON!!

After Teresa made an ass of herself Andy asks her why can’t she shut her trap and listen for a minute. Of course it goes into Teresa’s one ear and out the other.

  

After another blowup we find what place everyone is in.

Teresa gets called out on blaming Melissa for her family being broken up Melissa denies it and I agree with Carolines statement earlier that they are all fucking crazy.

  

Here’s Kathy’s WTF?? Reaction.

 

After Tree and Mel get into an argument over what Melissa would gain over breaking up the family, Melissa realizes that you can’t argue with crazy. You just can’t.

I give up.

Teresa and Teresa Jr get compared and Caroline resolves the problem these two bitches have in one shot.

They’re the same person.

Tree and Mel argue back and forth on who is the queen of tacky.

  

The older bitches realizes these younger ho’s are fighting over nothing since in Northen New Joysey everyone is tackyliceous since they “all have the same bedspread and same robes”

After this Andy brings up Teresa’s obsession with being in control of her brother and she is reminded it is illegal to marry your brother.

Tree and Mel continue their competition on whose family is more Tacky Italian. Because with Teresa it always boils down to that. They proceed their back and forth arguing over the title of Queen of the Tacky.

Andy asks Teresa if she regrets saying anything bad about Melissa on the show and NOT surprisingly she turns it around and makes it about Melissa regreting saying something bad about her on the show. Andy has to rephrase that again. Melissa reads off a list of things that Teresa should regret and Teresa mumbles “the poison”. That’s it. Same question for Melissa and she said she regreted something lame to do with them paying their bills.

The feud of the “Joes” gets mentioned and we all find out it goes way back before they all joined the 3 ring circus.  Teresa is quoted saying she blames her husband and her brother because:

 

 ”they’re like girls.”

 

 

No it’s more like:

Andy calls out Teresa’s husband for using the “F” word and Melissa tries to say her husband doesn’t use that word. Somehow I’m siding with Tree on that one because I don’t believe Melissa.

 

Andy asks Caroline her opinion on Barney Devito’s favorite gay slur to use , but since in these families everyone uses that word even Caroline sticks up for Barney Devito and just says that his ass doesn’t mean it with maliciousness he  is just ignorant and grew up under a rock.

 

Teresa explains it best.

And that is also the reason why he is a wreckless drunk who chips his teeth and yells at his wife while calling his other relatives “white trash”.

Gia’s sad song gets brought up and Caroline calls it a “disgrace”.In the end nothing gets resolved the only thing left to do is for all these bitches to go scratch their ass.

While Teresa gets her family ready for the Gorga/Giudice family portrait she tells her husband Barney Devito she believes the family feud is coming to an end, but Barney Devito doesn’t believe that, which is why he doesn’t stop Milania from beating the crap out of the baby Audriana since in a few years they will both be bitch slapping each other and throwing tables at family weddings, gatherings and their future children Christenings  so why not allow them to train on their furniture throwing and weave pulling skills while they are young. This way they can continue the Gorga/Giudice family tradition of keeping petty scores and fighting over bullshit, they been doing it since before they all joined this TV show wreckage wasn’t the old people fighting too Kathy’s mom and Tree’s dad? Or some shit like that? So there you go. It’s a family tradition they just don’t know it yet.

Next we have a boring segment of Ashley getting a pep-talk from uncle Jaime who is the gen-X version of the black sheep of the Manzo clan. It appears he passed the back sheep torch to Ashley a few years back and now he is in town to talk to Ashley about how to remain being a successful black sheep of the family and make your own money because California condos and “swallow’ tattoos cost money unless you are willing to swallow in exchange.

The Godmother gives some generic advice on her radio show to callers that are getting laughed at by her lovely children the Manzo kids. Ooh, the fun bonding activities they share!

At the Wikipedia’s young Miss Victoria is going to some kind of school prom and being properly courted by a well-dressed frightened young man who is being warned by old man Wikipedia that he will suffer from cracked nuts if young Miss Victoria comes back de-virginized. Later when it’s time to go young Miss Victoria comes down the steps with her pretty dress and Papa Ritchie thinks she forgot to put her jeans underneath.

Its family portrait day and grandpa Gorga stumbles in to the house, bitching and complaining that he can’t see shit because he just came back from the doctors who put eye-drops in his eyes just in case another fun night of table flipping and yelling (like the Christening from hell) occurs this way he doesn’t have to see it. Psycho midget Joey wants to drink with grandpa Gorga, but this makes little Gia nervous because she knows once the adults start drinking the punches start flying and she’s seen this one too many times in her young life so she tries to stop them, to no avail.

Later grandpa Gorga farts during the family photo-shoot and the photographer tells him to stop farting. But it’s too late the green toxic fart cloud is already hanging over the family picture that already got taken it represents the Gorga/Giudice feud and the fart that bonds them together.

And now the gossip/recipe cookbook Fabulicious. At Caroline’s Lauren has a surprise surprise for Caroline. (She wasn’t surprised she seen this earlier) and it’s a copy of Teresa’s latest cookbook. Lauren tells her mother Caroline what asshole Tree wrote about her in the cookbook calling her “Italian as the Olive Garden” ragging on the way Caroline prepares her fried meatballs and saying Caroline is only 1/16th Italian. So Caroline acts like she is pissed (she is still pissed from earlier when she originally read the book, but now the cameras are here so she gets worked up again) and Gregg yells “AWWW HELL NOOO!!!”

As Lauren continues to read the list of insults that Teresa printed in her cookbook mama Manzo gets more and more pissed-off specially when she is reminded that Teresa insulted her baby Christopher for wanting to open up a stripper/car-wash and Teresa says she wouldn’t want her daughters working there. That’s true I guess she wouldn’t want Gia to be the main attraction over at Bada Bing’s Car Wash Boobs and Lube, while poor Milania has to work as security. Not fair why can’t they both be the main attraction? Just kidding they are good girls, they are going to be pimping those bitches instead not being one of them , which is much better.

Caroline then says that her friend-shit with Teresa is over. The other Manzo children start  howling  a war-bark at the moon, and Lauren finishes it with “Hang around shit long enough you start to stink.”

At Kathy’s her husband Ritchie throws away the book when they also discovered Teresa called him an annoying asshole and at Melissa’s she complains to her older sister that Tree called her a copycat and she says she will hide this book from Psycho Joey and since his punk ass don’t know how to read he is not going to find out what Tree wrote about Mel. That is until the episode airs and he sees for himself.

Jacqueline shows up at Tree’s to confront her about the book, but chickens out later when she notices that Gia is on her mama’s side when it comes to Tio Joe and how “Melissa controls him.”

The episode continues with the ending of the Teresa and Kathy fight in Punta Cana. Barney Devito grabs a net and puts it around his wife’s neck to haul her away because he knows damn well she is a “hot-headed” asshole and likes to start all kinds of shit over nothing. After that, Barney Devito  has a talk with Ritchie while they both primp themselves in the bathroom and Barney Devito  being the enlightened man that he is, tells Ritchie that he is not defending Teresa because women are “are fucking retarded” anyway. Yeah, just wait until ALL his daughters are grown and still living in the house with him and Tree and he says that comment while ALL of them are on their periods at the same time (including Teresa unless she is on menopause) I can just see Milania when she gets promoted from brat to bitch, SHUT YOUR TRAP YOU OLD TROLL GIVE ME PIZZA  I’M ON MY PERIOD!!

Jacqueline and Chris decide to walk off to talk shit about what a wackadoo Teresa is. Chris gets tired and decides to suddenly jump on Jacqueline’s back for a piggy back ride back to the hotel while kicking her on the sides and grabbing her boobs yelling “YAH!! YAH!!”

While this is going on the Rat Pack, Albie, Christopher and Gregg decide they are going to spy on Barney Devito and Teresa doing it while they are both in the bathroom. EEEWWWW!!!  Instead, they end up outside the bathroom window where Teresa is now changing into a mood changing “Wonder Woman, crazy bitch” I’M IGNORING KATHY outfit created by NASA. While the Three Stooges are trying to fish out gossip (for the gossip magazines later,) Barney Devito walks in on them and instead of busting them he thinks they are spying on Tree ”pooping” and he doesn’t care. As a matter of fact he opens the window for them so they can get a whiff too!

That night they all go out to get drunk and into a fist-punching, kick stomping bar brawl, surprisingly with other people NOT with each other. Except Bravo never airs the bar brawl only the earlier part of the evening when the Giudice/Gorga’s were a lovey-dovey-family. Teresa and her brother hug and kiss, Barney Devito and Melissa hug and kiss. Barney and Psycho Midget Joey hug and kiss then, they play swords with each other, to see who is the shortest troll with the smallest itty bitty penis and it’s a tie. It’s all one big dysfunctional happy family-orgy full of hugs kisses and farts. To be honest with you I would rather see this interaction than when they’re drunken bitch slapping each other and of course we all know this didn’t last.

The next day Melissa and Psycho Joe Gorga release some “poison” in the bathroom and the Manzo boys, but specially Man-Servant-Sexy-Gregg feel lucky to walk in on it since Psycho Midget Joey had his little ”Tarzan” “On Display.”

The girls including Miss Gregg all decide to follow Teresa’s lead and go to the market in Punta Cana. They all get dressed up and decked out in their tackiest high heels from head to toe. These bitches think they are all going to the upscale Gucci and  Louis Vuitton stores  they are all accustomed to. So, when they show up cameras in-tow in all their pampered Princess tacky glory at the open air market the locals where confused  and excited. They didn’t know if these bitches where upscale hookers from the USA taking over their little dirty humble, parasite, farm animal carcass infested open air third world market. But they were close. VERY CLOSE! I bet this was the most exciting thing that happened in their little village since that one time that Pedro farted nasty at the public sinks at the plaza. They are going to be talking about this for years to come.

Those bitches walking around on those run down streets as if they where freaking out in a bloody massacre horror film in their five hundred dollar “Gucci’s” on drippy blood were NOT the only things that were  ”on display” at that open air market. The carcasses of dead cows and chicken heads were, but it appears their fake titties where upstaging the other things at that meat market. Did y’all see those scary looking locals drooling on those ho’s? Then, Teresa decides to grab a dead chicken and goes on chasing the other bitches with it. Teresa also decides to fan her cooch and ask the confused spice vendor if he ever read her book since she is a famous author and TV Star extraordinaire and even if this humble village doesn’t have any Internet access (except for the local drug lord) Teresa feels that is NO excuse for this quiet humble vendor who doesn’t even understand what the fuck she is saying, to NOT know who she is.

Teresa says the reason she is out in the local market is because she is doing research on writing her third cook book where she will be doing a “fusion” of Italian and Italian food. Except this time instead of using tomatoes, cheese, dough, meat and spices for the base “ingrediencess” she will be using dough, tomatoes, meat and cheese instead. So it’s totally different see.

While the Puta Princesses are out flapping their goods “On Display” for the local village the men go golfing. And when I say golfing they went and treated the golf course like the batting cages. The Godfather is the only one that knows how to golf (since he has to make all those crooked deals with city officials an’ all) and he is appalled and embarrassed he took these ass-mooning, drunken, savage, clowns with him.

That night Barney Devito was surprisingly going horn-dog on Teresa. Maybe it turns him on when she freaks out and goes “crazy bitch” on the other ho’s.

The Manzo boys decide that everything has been too peaceful between the ho’s and want to see a cat-fight so for the final dinner at Punta Cana they decide to have a contest to see who the Puta Cana Princess is. Immediately Teresa starts taking this nonsense serious like her life depends on it and gets this worried look in her face because she is afraid to lose this life or death contest.

They each win some lame ass category. Melissa gets asked who the VP of the United States and the bitch didn’t know his name!

IS THIS DUDE!

Then someone showed her this picture and she suddenly remembered it was Biden. When Melissa gets one more question about world geography she gets another point for naming Antarctica as the continent where Egypt resides because apparently none of these dip-shits know Egypt is in Africa none of them know, not even ex-college drop out Albie, oh wait maybe that’s why he got flunked out of school.

On the very last day of their trip Teresa’s lost bag of faux-jewerlies arrives after it went on its own traveling adventure from Florida to Las Vegas to Hawaii and then back to the Dominican Republic. When Teresa gets her bags she jumps up and down from joy and Greg rolls up his eyes.

Everyone goes back to the United States, after almost half of them got detained for the bar brawl and that was Albie, Barney Devito and Greg.

Melissa is now back in New Jersey and is nervous about her big performance at the Black Water thingy. When she walks in to meet with her professional back up dancers you can tell she is nervous and since she “doesn’t know how to dance worth shit” like Ritchie said in an earlier episode she can’t keep up with the dance steps. This is the reason the strip club place had to make her a bartender instead. Psycho Midget Joe also was trying to rent some live tigers to distract people in case Melissa’s performances flops because what better way to be distracted than to be worried there are two live tigers that can go on a feeding bloody frenzy at any minute in a room packed with about 600 people and one exit.

Then, when she does her singing rehearsal she sounds like a banshee having sex with a werewolf so they auto-tune her real nice and somehow a scientist comes up with a formula that makes her shoes give her rhythm to follow the dance steps. Awesomely she pulls the performance off and turns on all the mens even Barney Devito who congratulates her by giving her a long dry humping hug. Everyone loves each other even Teresa and Kathy get along, Teresa goes as far as apologizing to Kathy for being a crazy asshole. They are all one big happy dysfunctional issue-infested family! For now.

 

 

After all that rigmarole went on with the tweets and the bitches accusing Melissa Gorga of being a stripper whore this shit came out on Huffington Post. Apparently Melissa was set up by Bravo not by Teresa. Bravo invited an old boss of Melissa’s to the filming. This old boss claims Melissa used to work for him at a strip club and when she saw him she ran the other way in horror because she didn’t want to be exposed.The old boss who owns a strip club called Lookers went on to talk to Teresa who heard him out, but walked away from him as well after telling him not to talk about her family or some shit like that. When Teresa tried to go talk to Melissa about this shit and comfort her, Melissa snapped at her and accused Teresa of setting her up then she went to her new besties Caroline and Jacqueline to cry and complain that Teresa set her up. Teresa is also saying she knew Barney Devito was out with some other woman. Check this shit out:

 “The ladies were taping a fashion show at Posche,” an insider tells me. “Teresa [Giudice] didn’t want to go because she’s completely over the fake Bravo set-ups; however, no one knew what was about to happen. Melissa [Gorga] was nervous that ex-Housewife Danielle Staub was going to show up, but it turned out the surprise guest would be much more damaging.”

  And guess what? The picture turned up yesterday!

These ladies should know by now that if you have a skeleton in your closet and you go on a reality show, sooner or later it’s going to come out.

“Bravo’s surprise at the fashion show was for Melissa: her ex-boss at Lookers, the strip club she used to work at. No one knew him, no one knew he was coming — although, of course Bravo had a microphone on him — and Melissa ran away from him and refused to film with him,” a witness at the taping tells me. “The producers made Teresa talk to him to ‘hear him out,’ so his accusations would be aired on camera, but Teresa stopped him mid-story and told him to not talk about her family and left.”

Giudice, who then attempted to comfort Gorga, was shrugged off as a distraught Gorga went straight to Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline Laurita for shoulders to lean on.

“Melissa doesn’t want her new besties, Caroline and Jacqueline, to know about her past (including who paid for her fake boobs), so she came back to the table and told everyone that Teresa had set her up,” a Bravo insider tells me. “Teresa had nothing to do with it, but Jac and Caroline were more than ready to go with it because it makes Teresa look bad. And Bravo will never admit they set it up like they set up Danielle, whose past was also ‘accidentally’ discovered.”

Laurita immediately took to Twitter that night, bashing Giudice, who responded to her with a phone call rather than fighting in such a public way. But the drama didn’t stop with Gorga’s questionable past.

“Jacqueline’s parting shot after she hung up the phone was to text Teresa a photo of [her husband] Joe and [a] mystery lady at dinner and said she was going to leak it to the press to hurt Teresa,” an insider tells me.

  ”Teresa has all these texts. Isn’t it sad and sickening what some people will do?” a friend of Giudice’s asks me. “What Jacqueline doesn’t know is that Teresa’s laughing about it privately, because she knew about it already. Joe had told Teresa he ran into the girl, a family friend, the night when he went out for drinks with his buddies. The girl has a boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure Joe wouldn’t carry on a big affair at TGI Fridays in Clifton.”