After Chankla Face and Russell get thrown out of the white sheeet mariachi party, the other bitches gather in the living room to talk shit about how ghetto Chankla and Russell are for suing innocent drunk, bystander rich bitches, who are only repeating every word Chankla babbled out during one of her motormouth moments.

Everyone agrees that Chankla Face and Russell have cheesed everyone off. Russell, for suing every bitch in the room and Chankla Face for involving everyone in her TrailerPark style fights with Russell. You know,the ones where the woman gets her ass beat and then tells everyone about it and when the people call the police she yells at them and cries so her man doesn’t get arrested?

But at this point it seems that Chankla Face Trailer Parky is just having passionate fantasies about getting bitch slapped around; because NO ONE can verify the beatings since Chankla doesn’t seem to have any bruises (except for maybe her big fat lips, but that maybe because of the weekly  piss injections she gets in her tire lips.) Even Chankla’s best friend is sitting there in the circle of gossipy bitches, and he too is doubtful of the Chankla delusional stories. Adrienne and Paul think that bitch can go piss on a ditch for all they care.

Back at the dance floor of this pachanga, Kim is nice and lit up (like usual) and starts throwing these Chicken on crack dance moves. HA HA HA HA!!! DOES THIS BITCH KNOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN WHEN SHE’S ALL HIGH DANCING ??? IS THAT WHY HER VERSION OF DANCING LOOKS LIKE SHE IS HAVING A SEIZURE WHILE SHE TRIES TO FLY AWAY???!!! HA HA HA HA!!!

After Kim’s boyfriend Quasimodo is done taking a scary dump and breaking Kyle’s upstairs bathroom and leaves it so tore up the bitch is going to have to remodel that shit again, he goes off to find Kim on the dance floor (with his finger in his mouth)  and of course Kim is all high and drunk out of her Chicken Brain  and leg humping some random fool. So, Quasimodo gets all jelaous grabs that ho and makes her dance with his fugly ass. The two scary looking fucktards start making out and “clear the dance floor” but not because they are a sexy couple that everyone wants to see humping, but because they are a scary couple no one wants to see kiss or touch. Because it’s gross and people don’t want to be near some disgusting abomination like that!

Next, Kim is all happy that the bitch getting the boot for being a drunk asshole is not her, but instead it’s Chankla Face.

In the limo Chankla is pretty livid for getting the boot from the party. Her and Russell are wondering what the fuck just happened. Then, Russell starts denying the so called accusations that Camille heard from Chankla’s fish lips and repeated about his hobby of  pimp slapping Chankla like a cheap slut. Russell says those where untrue exaggerations, but Chankla just sits there with an uppity, defensive, awkward attitude flapping her rubber-band lips going, “uhum!” Worried that Russell is going to catch her in her lies. Then, she says with her voice over that these were exaggerations, but not lies. Make of that what you will.  Russell insist that instead of going back to Sin City they go back to the house they’re squatting at the time.

Back at the party the sowing circle of gossipy bitches are still squawking about the Chankla situation. Adrienne says that there is her side his side and in the middle there’s the truth. Ain’t that the truth in this situation.

Kyle is pissed that she can’t even enjoy her party by stuffing her face with Fat Burger while doing the splits. I’m wondering whose fucking genius idea was to serve greasy Fat Burgers when people are wearing white designer gowns and such.

After all this shit happened the bitches get ready and pack their 35 bags a piece to go to Hawaii. Lisa apparently has never been since the bitch thinks she can wear some old casino-whore, poodle gown she had stored in a box since 1971 and so she puts it on. You just can’t wear that type of shit in Hawaii they throw you out and make you swim back to the mainland. I know I checked.

Ken says he ran into Cedric who got a job as House Blow Job Bitch for some interior decorator.

Lisa is all pissed off that her new bestie Chankla Face isn’t going to Hawaii to ruin their vacation, but Brandi will be handling the ruining part instead along with Chicken Head Kim and her Quasimodo drug dealer. So don’t worry Lisa the vacay will be ruined somehow, Bravo will make sure of that. Also Giggi can’t go to Hawaii because the airlines don’t take purse dogs.

All the skank hags show up at the airport in their uncomfortable high heels  to board a plane to Hawaii. They looked like they were attending a tranny convention for retired casino stiletto hookers .  How kook of them!

While all the skanks hang out at some waiting room stuffing their faces and drinking champagne,  Kyle calls Kim to see where she is at because the plane is about to board in two seconds and bitch will not make it on time. Kim answers the phone all high and out of her skull and when Kyle asks her where she is at, Kim doesn’t even know how to answer that shit because she is all fucked up at some gutter somewhere in an alley in the armpit of North  Hollywood and has no idea where the fuck she is at or what day it is.

Kim hasn’t packed her clothes of course, doesn’t have any type of identification because she lied to Kyle about going to the DMV to renew her drivers licence a while back  and thinks she needs a passport to fly to Hawaii because the dumb asshole doesn’t realize Hawaii is in the United States. But, that’s what happens when you’re getting the premium blow from the dealer you’re blowing. Plus I am sure if Kim even realizes that she will be going to Hawaii she would be more worried about figuring out how to shove those balloons up her bony chicken ass to contraband them into the plane so she can get high later. Why doesn’t she just find some surfers at the beach and asks them where to score some weed? Oh, yeah it won’t count unless it was made in a dirty bathtub with Formaldehyde and it goes up your nose or in your veins via dirty needle.

Brandi is nice and high on Xanax and has been downing that shit with booze on the plane on the way there. Brandi seems like she is a lot of fun specially when she is pill popping and boozing, but all the other bitches don’t think that except for Camille who is Brandi’s new tittie bestie .

All the bitches arrive in Hawaii and head to Lanai, so they all pile up on some old-timey airplane left over from the Nazi wars of 1930. The pilot had to go outside and manually turn the propeller (that was being held with duct tape) and then jump start the plane while two guys pushed it from behind. This low budget plane was not acceptable for the sophisticated foo-foo la-la crew that was boarding it and so they all make a torrent of smart ass remarks about how ghetto this plane is. Mauricio is the one responsible for renting this banged up bucket and with his low paying freeway Orange salesman job salary, this is all this fool could afford. POBRECITO!! But, of course Kyle is embarrassed as fuck that he rented this accident waiting to happen relic that was supposed to be a private Jet not a private wreck.

I think the plane was fine it was the wrecks that got on it that were hazardous. I should get me one of thems Orange salesman job’s Mauricio has so I too can afford fancy ass planes such as this one!

When all the skank hags land on the island of Lanai, they all have to cram together and smell each others farts again. This time they shove them in some little clown bus and Brandi is nice and high and starting shit with the elderly Lisa and grandpapi Ken about how they’re too old to fuck or some shit. Lisa is getting all hissy-pissy.

Later on that night Brandi just keeps getting more fun and interesting so she decides to hang all over old man Ken like a cheap coat on a used rack. Except she was hanging her cheap rack on his used cock. Lisa notices that and she don’t like that shit. So, she threatens to cut that bitch if she doesn’t take her hands off her man and of course Brandi just keeps hanging on old grandpapi on purpose while flying on Xanax and monkey piss bong water or whatever the fuck that bitch was sucking on.

The next morning Brandi and Camille get some skimpy dental floss bikinis (but specially Brandi) while they both lay out in the sun wishing for some hot cabana boy to come by and spray them with tan lotion, but instead they get a chunky pool boy who sprays them with Hawaii sewer rat water. I wonder if the night Brandi and Camille scissored it up in Vegas  they were worried about their thin blade legs cutting them both in half?

While the two skanks laid there like two pieces of beef jerky drying up in the sun, Lisa and Ken show up so that Ken can ogle at Brandi. Lisa was all pissed off because Ken acts like such an embarrassing horny old toad all drooling on Brandi and asking her if her leg is okay or if she needs to have him arrange somebody to carry her on their back to the beach.

All this time Lisa was fuming because even though ooooooold fart Ken is old enough to be Lisa’s grandpapi Lisa is old news to him now and 38 year old brand new Brandi is old enough to be his great granddaughter and so he gets off on flirting with her. EEEWWWWW!!!!

Back in Cali Chankla Face is talking with her marriage counselor, about what an asshole her husband is and how because of him she is getting kicked out of every important white sheeet party in the Beverly Hillbillie’s and she will not stand for another boot to the ass at a party no more because she is tired of doing maintenance for this sob. The whole time Chankla Face and the counselor were talking they turned it into the let’s bash and blame Russell for everything hour.

Chankla calls the bitches on the phone to advice her marriage to Russell is ending because the bitch can’t handle first getting kicked out of the white sheeet party and next being banned from the Hawaii vacay, what’s next she may get kicked out of loitering at the Beverly Hillbillie’s public streets and fine establishments (where she doesn’t even live, but wishes she did) and then what?

IT’S OVER!  MY MARRIAGE IT’S OVER!! IT’S THE LAST TIME I AM GETTING THROWN OUT OF A PARTY !!!!WAAAAHHH!!!! WAAAAHHH!!! SINCE I AM GETTING A DIVORCE CAN I SWIM TO HAWAII AND JOIN YOU GUYS?

Back in season one, Jiggi wasn’t the only lapdog Lisa VanderDump owned, she also had Cedric Martinez her Sponge Bob Gay Pet. According to Cedric’s story, he was a poor soul who has no family because his mother a French Prostitution-Whore left his poor ass abandoned in the streets of Paris when he was eight years old, and somehow he became a model or whatever the fuck he was when Lisa and Ken hired him (because he is pretty) to run their nightclubs and eventually somehow he weasel his way into becoming their permanent house guest complete with a salary and vacations paid for by the VanderDumpster’s, they even bought him a car and all this cool shit.

Sounds like Cedric was living an awesome life of Riley, until Lisa’s husband Ken got sick of the sponging (maybe Cedric was holding back the handjobs on Ken?) and told her to drive Cedric to the nearest freeway overpass and leave him there because he was sponging the VanderDumps out of food and house ( in this economic times even rich folk can’t afford extra pets.) And so history repeated itself again for pobrecito Cedric. After Lisa and Ken disposed of him, Lisa stated that Cedric is crafty and will find another ”idiot” like Lisa to provide for him the high life he was accustomed to because of the VanderDump’s generosity.

Cedric is also the MAIN reason Lisa doesn’t like new slut on the block Brandi Glanville, since it appears Brandi and Cedric are buddy-buddy and Lisa thinks Cedric is sending Brandi around as a spy to keep tabs on Lisa (because is not like there’s cameras following her around most of the time.)

Back in February pictures popped up of Cedric Martinez and Brandi Glanville having lunch in Beverly Hills and there was rumors that Cedric and Brandi were dating. DATING? So is he bi? Hummm? So he is a professional live-in giggolo that swings both ways? Soo that’s what he was doing with the VaderDumpsters.

Cedric was left butt hurt and angry after he was thrown from the VanderDump manor and into the cold thug infested streets of Beverly Hills and it appears he is now telling his side of the story. Cedric now has a job and a place to live and he also states the house skanks are a bunch of  raging, drunken psycho, old bitches (yeah, we knew that) falling apart at the seams, and insinuates that Kim has MORE problems than just plain old alcohol. He also says that Lisa  was the one behind all the stories about Chankla Face (yeah, we knew that also) he is also coming out with a tell-all book and will be a guest this season!

 From WetPaint:

“It was a rough year,” says Cedric, “but I’ve landed on my feet. Ken stabbed me in the back and Lisa twisted the knife, but they didn’t kill me.” The former houseguest now a place of his own and a job he loves. And that’s not all: He’s got a tell-all memoir in the works.Taylor Armstrong’s marital troubles, an act that anyone following Season 2 knows Taylor herself believes to have happened. “Absolutely!” says Cedric. “There’s no question about it. I’ve known Lisa has Us Weekly on speed dial since she sold out my relationship with Lance Bass.”

Cedric says that Lisa not only planted negative stories about him in the tabloids, but she also talked to the media about

Cedric will make an appearance later on in Season 2, but in the meantime, he is watching the show closely and has some concerns. Take Kim Richards. “Anyone watching this season knows drinking is the least of her problems,” says Cedric. “I hope and pray she gets the help she so desperately needs.”

After all the ignorant bullshit Cuntmille was spewing out of her dried up mumified tales from the cript lips througout the whole season, about how she married a celebrity and she was at the top of the pecking order , and she only wiped her Irritable Bullshit Syndrome runny ass with thousand dollar bills  while riding her celebrity husband’s long expensive coat tails encrusted in gold  and on and on and on. And how all the other bitches sucked ass, ’cause they’re not at the top of the food chain like she THOUGHT she was.

  It  all  ended up  crashing down on her beef jerkied flabby ass by the end of the season,  just  like a Malibu California mud slide on a trillion dollar home after it’s been raining for 11 days straight. Yep, all her shit came crashing down, when it was finally revealed that Lady KaKa was getting replaced by a younger version of her old crusty ass .

Cuntmille’s husband Kelsey high tailed it to New York when he found the perfect excuse by doing his own show over there. But it  was all truly a very careful plan to  set up his escape route and new love nest with his new younger girlfriend the Cuntmille replacement.

 It went as far as Kelsey dumping  Cuntmille by phone and telling her  he was done with the marriage, all while filming was going on. Just to ad to the humiliation.  And because that wasn’t enough humiliation the whole  disaster was followed  by Kelsey being weird and denying Cuntmille access to hers and Kelsey’s own New York apartment! Which I bet the deed is in both their names too!

Now, what normal married person would tolerate these kinds of ridiculous shenanigans from a spouse?! You gotta be a stupid idiot to not know that your spouse is  hiding another Sancho or in this case Sancha at the apartment! So obvious.

It all escalated when Cuntmille tried to enter her luxury New York apartment and the security guard denied her access. According to Cuntmille he called her a ’Liar’ when she insisted she was Mrs. Grammer and he made her show id. I bet the securtity guard was just doing his job and also since he saw another woman with Kelsey he didn’t recognized Lady KaKa in all her diarreaheal runny glory. And sadly that’s how she put it together. Took her a minute.

 But did her so called psychic friend Allison Dubois from the dinner party from hell see this one coming ?? HELL NO! Cause’ her friend is a psycho drunk not a psychic.

 But don’t worry about that ho’, she is still gonna be collecting a hefty 50 million dollars from the huge divorce settlement  from Kelsey no matter what. ‘Cause his cross dressing ass didn’t sign a prenuptial agreement when he married Cuntmille.

While Kelsey was setting up his new love shack in the west coast Cuntmille entertained herself with Nick the Sancho Dick and with fighting with Kyle over one thing  that supposedly Kyle said  about   Cuntmille’s Hawaii vacation without Kelsey there .And  this got dragged throughout the whole season of the show. Talk about petty shit!

 For some reason I don’t feel that bad for that ho’ since, during the whole season Cuntmille spend the whole time dry humping that Nick the Sancho Dick’s leg  and I bet there was some other more gross humping when the cameras were not around because it was OBVIOUS and not only that, but also the permanent miserable look on his wife’s face said it all. 

And as side show  fight  to keep things spicy Chankla Face and Chicken Head Kim fought . Because Chankla is a shit stirrer bitch and Kim was apparently drunk the whole entire time this was being filmed  since she ended up going to  rehab and its rumored it was alcohol rehab for being a drunk. Damn, no wonder that bitch always looked confused!

And lets not forget Kyle and Kim going at it too. Kyle enjoys bullying Kim because it’s easy to do and the bitch is always drunk and confused plus I bet when they were kids Kim used to do the bullying on Kyle since she is older. So Kyle is just taking her revenge  by bullying drunken confused Kim, whom she almost jumped in the limo trying to choke her in the last episode.  Plus did ya all noticed how Bravo choose to  show the part were Kim was left alone drunk and crying in the limo as the final scene where they show her little blurb and they put she went to rehab? Yeah, drunk tank rehab!

Lisa VanderDump and her 150 year old husband had their own pest control problems to deal with and had to go mega exterminator on Cedric Martinez the Spoge Bob Gay Pet  who somehow managed to sponge off of them and live the sweet life of a pampered Riley as an unwelcome guess of the kind VanderDumps for over a year mooching off of them.  He lived in their guest house and ate all  their food, drank all their wine and smoked all their weed plus drove their cars with no licence.

 It all was going well until Mr. VanderDump finally said ’ENOUGH!’. And Cedric got the fat shinny boot to the ass that on the day he moved him and Lisa got into a big nasty yelling fight that he hasn’t spoken to her since.

 By the way Mr. VanderDump apparently has some kind of a  fucked up mental disorder or thinks he is a comic book super villain because he carries that little dog around while he has  his finger up the dogs ass everywhere he goes and the dog has to wear matching clothes with him all the time!

Mrs. Jocelyn Wildenstein Jr.  and her husband Dr. Frankenstein aka the Bickersons kept bickering and getting in each others nerves over the dumbest fucking things . Besides the scary ass plastic surgery gone wrong face that bitch walks around with on a daily basis, her life seemed pretty normal.  Including the bickering and all. I can tell the reason her husband gets in her last nerve like he does constantly is because HE IS the reason she looks like that. I bet he talked her into getting all that face stretching and neck pulling and skin ironing shit she’s had done . Because the guy is always trying to make her do shit she don’t want to.

Like for example when they were at the restaurant at one of the first episodes of the season and he ordered turkey and she didn’t want to try it because she said she hated turkey , but  he was so pushy and he insisted that she try the turkey and he was damn near force feeding  her. It was crazy and that’s how annoying he acts. I bet they bicker about which hole what thing goes into, when they’re having sex too! Great now I got a picture in my head of those 2 doing it! GROSSS!!

And that’s what I think of those bitches and their crazy shenanigans!

We learned on a previous episode that according to Cedric Martinez (Lisa VanderDump’s house bitch) he was the son of a French prostitute who was raped and  Cedric ended up homeless with his prostitute mother begging on the streets of France by the age of 7. At least this is the sob story he told Kyle and everyone else he cons. I bet he was telling Kyle this sad story ’cause he knew the VanderDumps were getting ready to give him the boot to the ass and he was trying to secure his next free meal ticket by moving in with Kyle.

 The dude is a genius, since he’s been living with the VanderDumps since he was 15! Sucking on the VanderDumps teetie of luxury. But according to Lisa she revealed during the reunion that Ken finally had enough of Cedric’s spongy ass and kicked him out, plus they no longer speak!. I wonder if she also drove him to a phone booth and left his ass there. Althought I doubt Cedric is living in a van down by the river . I think spongy will be alright . The guy is eye candy! So I’m sure some other millionaire will pay his cute boy-toy ass to sit around in his skivies and look pretty.

The usual tonge-bitch slapping, name calling and accusations flew like wet monkey shit during the taping of the teary reunion, wich will air in 2 weeks. Including Cuntmille and Kyle going at it, Kim and Chankla Face going at it, plus Kyle and Kim also duked it out according to Life & Style :

On the morning of Jan. 4, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast mates gathered in a heavily guarded private room inside the Millennium Biltmore Hotel for the emotional and tear-filled taping of the cast reunion, Life & Style has learned. As soon as Kyle Richards was face-to-face with archenemy Camille Grammer, the sparks — and accusations — started flying. “Kyle wasn’t going to sit there and not address what Camille had done,” a production source tells Life & Style. “She called Camille out on a lot.” According to the source, by the end of the taping, every Housewife was sobbing — except for Camille. However, she did manage to shock her castmates by offering a semi-apology.”Camille admitted there were certain things she was just horrified about saying,” the source reveals.

But Kyle and Camille weren’t the only ones at each other’s throats — there was plenty of arguing between Kim and Taylor Armstrongas well as sister’s Kim and Kyle Richards. The sisters’ tension reaches a boiling point in the final episode of the show and carries into the reunion. The two still haven’t resolved their deepseated issues, according to the production source.

Also during the reunion, Lisa Vanderpump reveals shocking news that her houseguest Cedric, whom she has been caring for since he was 15, has moved out. “Lisa’s husband, Ken, wanted him gone,” an insider tells Life & Style. “So he was asked to leave. Now Cedric and Lisa aren’t speaking.”

And while it’s still unclear which of the Housewives will be back for a second season, Kyle says she hopes Camille does return! “I would like to see her come back and be on a different path,” Kyle tells Life & Style.

I will miss Sponge Bob Gay Pet in his skivies. It’s not like Mr. and Mrs VanderDump would go bankrupt or anything, since they have all that extra millions of dollars laying around and those other house pets. What’s one more gonna hurt?