Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillbillies are all jumping on the Bravo circus clown bus. With the exception of Camille Grammer who was cut because she didn’t want Bravo to follow her new life with boyfriend Dimitri Charalambopoulos, specially all that drama with Camille threatening Dimitri’s ex and baby mama. But, Camille rather have Bravo follow her around during happy, normal non-confrontational times, when she is speaking calm and collected. Bravo doesn’t want that shit they want the crazy, the scandalous and loud so they didn’t offer Camille a spot back.

Professional drifter and liar Taylor Chankla Face Armstrong, was offered a spot back next season. A lot of people are up in arms because of this bitches lying, trifling ass and relentless famewhoring. The excuse Chankla Face is giving everyone for her reason of staying on this show and make an ass of herself is because she has a daughter to support.

The same with Kim Richards. Bitch went all aggro on Brandi Glanville last season and slurred her words around stumbling in a haze of booze, meth and a cocktail of prescription meds (from what it looked like.) The bitch was a mess. And of course she loves the camera so Bravo is allowing more of her crazy next season and just like Chankla Face she is supposedly doing it to help support her children.

According to Perez Hilton these bitches are getting paid well per season for making fools of themselves. Kim is reported to have made $137,000 last season, and this season is getting a 10k increase. And Chankla Face makes $127,000 a season.

Inside gossipy sources have said that Kim is sobering up and dealing with all that shit:

“Kim truly didn’t want to do another season because she is still extremely vulnerable and dealing with her sobriety.”

So while Bravo fired Sheree Whitfield who also appear to have been needing this show to support her children with the only talent the woman has, (to be a total psycho bitch on camera) they keep these two batshit messes but get rid of a good batshit mess that even had the balls to go up against scary ass felon Marlo Hampton!

Kyle is also hinting that since Bravo cut Camille loose, and NeNe wants to move to California maybe she should be a transfer from Atlanta and be one of the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillbillies:

“I’d have to say Nene! I think Nene should maybe move to Beverly Hills and be a real housewife of Beverly Hills!”

 

Good idea Kyle, I think that sounds fantastic!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillbillies Kyle Richard’s husband Mauricio Umansky is busting his ass out there selling those mansions he is apparently very good at his job that he is now listing the Michael Jackson Mansion. That house is listed at 23.9 million dollars so unless you hit  the Megamillions of 300 million-plus and can pay for that shit you’re not going to even get a tour of this lavish home of lavishness.

From TMZ:

We’re told the realtor – Mauricio Umansky, the CEO and co-founder of The Agency in Beverly Hills — will ONLY show the property to serious buyers who have pre-qualified … which means they have the dough to buy the property.

The 17,000 square foot house — which has been on and off the market since MJ died — is completely empty. It has 13 bathrooms, a pool, guest house and an elevator.

Also, it appears that since hubby is making the big fat bucks Kyle is spending them faster than he is making them. Below are some pictures of Kyle her daughters including little Portia and their male nanny who were out and about spending daddy’s money:

According to US Magazine, Kim Richards first entered rehab and then, left rehab early because she was being “defiant” as well as difficult while she was in it , but ended up going back. I wonder if she was jumping on tables while people in white jackets where chasing her with nets and she was yelling NO NOOO NOOO!!! Brandi has pointed out that she believes Kim is a crackhead who is “wasted out of her fucking mind” and other sources revealed that, “Kim’s alcohol addiction along with other substance abuse problems has been obvious for quite some time,”

Kim was also supposed to be homeless after rehab and living with Kyle afterwards. However, Kyle denies those reports. She told RumorFix “She won’t be living with me,” and added  “We’re a little too old for that.” Kim also pulled a Jacqueline Laurita move when she skipped the reunion. But, Bravo doesn’t seem to be  pissed off that this ho’ skipped the reunion since she was more than likely too high to go and perhaps Bravo was footing the bill for Kim so that she don’t OD and accidentally pulls a Russell.

Kim was supposed to be staying in a hotel in The Beverly Hillbillies according to Radaronline. “Kim is out of rehab and staying in a hotel in Beverly Hills,” Not bad for a homeless broad. According to the gossip mill, “Kim is doing well.” For now.

Also the same article on Radaronline mentions that at the reunion “Brandi was out of control,” and pissing on the other bitches with a golden shower of choice curses and swears. Nice!

After Chankla Face and Russell get thrown out of the white sheeet mariachi party, the other bitches gather in the living room to talk shit about how ghetto Chankla and Russell are for suing innocent drunk, bystander rich bitches, who are only repeating every word Chankla babbled out during one of her motormouth moments.

Everyone agrees that Chankla Face and Russell have cheesed everyone off. Russell, for suing every bitch in the room and Chankla Face for involving everyone in her TrailerPark style fights with Russell. You know,the ones where the woman gets her ass beat and then tells everyone about it and when the people call the police she yells at them and cries so her man doesn’t get arrested?

But at this point it seems that Chankla Face Trailer Parky is just having passionate fantasies about getting bitch slapped around; because NO ONE can verify the beatings since Chankla doesn’t seem to have any bruises (except for maybe her big fat lips, but that maybe because of the weekly  piss injections she gets in her tire lips.) Even Chankla’s best friend is sitting there in the circle of gossipy bitches, and he too is doubtful of the Chankla delusional stories. Adrienne and Paul think that bitch can go piss on a ditch for all they care.

Back at the dance floor of this pachanga, Kim is nice and lit up (like usual) and starts throwing these Chicken on crack dance moves. HA HA HA HA!!! DOES THIS BITCH KNOW SHE LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN WHEN SHE’S ALL HIGH DANCING ??? IS THAT WHY HER VERSION OF DANCING LOOKS LIKE SHE IS HAVING A SEIZURE WHILE SHE TRIES TO FLY AWAY???!!! HA HA HA HA!!!

After Kim’s boyfriend Quasimodo is done taking a scary dump and breaking Kyle’s upstairs bathroom and leaves it so tore up the bitch is going to have to remodel that shit again, he goes off to find Kim on the dance floor (with his finger in his mouth)  and of course Kim is all high and drunk out of her Chicken Brain  and leg humping some random fool. So, Quasimodo gets all jelaous grabs that ho and makes her dance with his fugly ass. The two scary looking fucktards start making out and “clear the dance floor” but not because they are a sexy couple that everyone wants to see humping, but because they are a scary couple no one wants to see kiss or touch. Because it’s gross and people don’t want to be near some disgusting abomination like that!

Next, Kim is all happy that the bitch getting the boot for being a drunk asshole is not her, but instead it’s Chankla Face.

In the limo Chankla is pretty livid for getting the boot from the party. Her and Russell are wondering what the fuck just happened. Then, Russell starts denying the so called accusations that Camille heard from Chankla’s fish lips and repeated about his hobby of  pimp slapping Chankla like a cheap slut. Russell says those where untrue exaggerations, but Chankla just sits there with an uppity, defensive, awkward attitude flapping her rubber-band lips going, “uhum!” Worried that Russell is going to catch her in her lies. Then, she says with her voice over that these were exaggerations, but not lies. Make of that what you will.  Russell insist that instead of going back to Sin City they go back to the house they’re squatting at the time.

Back at the party the sowing circle of gossipy bitches are still squawking about the Chankla situation. Adrienne says that there is her side his side and in the middle there’s the truth. Ain’t that the truth in this situation.

Kyle is pissed that she can’t even enjoy her party by stuffing her face with Fat Burger while doing the splits. I’m wondering whose fucking genius idea was to serve greasy Fat Burgers when people are wearing white designer gowns and such.

After all this shit happened the bitches get ready and pack their 35 bags a piece to go to Hawaii. Lisa apparently has never been since the bitch thinks she can wear some old casino-whore, poodle gown she had stored in a box since 1971 and so she puts it on. You just can’t wear that type of shit in Hawaii they throw you out and make you swim back to the mainland. I know I checked.

Ken says he ran into Cedric who got a job as House Blow Job Bitch for some interior decorator.

Lisa is all pissed off that her new bestie Chankla Face isn’t going to Hawaii to ruin their vacation, but Brandi will be handling the ruining part instead along with Chicken Head Kim and her Quasimodo drug dealer. So don’t worry Lisa the vacay will be ruined somehow, Bravo will make sure of that. Also Giggi can’t go to Hawaii because the airlines don’t take purse dogs.

All the skank hags show up at the airport in their uncomfortable high heels  to board a plane to Hawaii. They looked like they were attending a tranny convention for retired casino stiletto hookers .  How kook of them!

While all the skanks hang out at some waiting room stuffing their faces and drinking champagne,  Kyle calls Kim to see where she is at because the plane is about to board in two seconds and bitch will not make it on time. Kim answers the phone all high and out of her skull and when Kyle asks her where she is at, Kim doesn’t even know how to answer that shit because she is all fucked up at some gutter somewhere in an alley in the armpit of North  Hollywood and has no idea where the fuck she is at or what day it is.

Kim hasn’t packed her clothes of course, doesn’t have any type of identification because she lied to Kyle about going to the DMV to renew her drivers licence a while back  and thinks she needs a passport to fly to Hawaii because the dumb asshole doesn’t realize Hawaii is in the United States. But, that’s what happens when you’re getting the premium blow from the dealer you’re blowing. Plus I am sure if Kim even realizes that she will be going to Hawaii she would be more worried about figuring out how to shove those balloons up her bony chicken ass to contraband them into the plane so she can get high later. Why doesn’t she just find some surfers at the beach and asks them where to score some weed? Oh, yeah it won’t count unless it was made in a dirty bathtub with Formaldehyde and it goes up your nose or in your veins via dirty needle.

Brandi is nice and high on Xanax and has been downing that shit with booze on the plane on the way there. Brandi seems like she is a lot of fun specially when she is pill popping and boozing, but all the other bitches don’t think that except for Camille who is Brandi’s new tittie bestie .

All the bitches arrive in Hawaii and head to Lanai, so they all pile up on some old-timey airplane left over from the Nazi wars of 1930. The pilot had to go outside and manually turn the propeller (that was being held with duct tape) and then jump start the plane while two guys pushed it from behind. This low budget plane was not acceptable for the sophisticated foo-foo la-la crew that was boarding it and so they all make a torrent of smart ass remarks about how ghetto this plane is. Mauricio is the one responsible for renting this banged up bucket and with his low paying freeway Orange salesman job salary, this is all this fool could afford. POBRECITO!! But, of course Kyle is embarrassed as fuck that he rented this accident waiting to happen relic that was supposed to be a private Jet not a private wreck.

I think the plane was fine it was the wrecks that got on it that were hazardous. I should get me one of thems Orange salesman job’s Mauricio has so I too can afford fancy ass planes such as this one!

When all the skank hags land on the island of Lanai, they all have to cram together and smell each others farts again. This time they shove them in some little clown bus and Brandi is nice and high and starting shit with the elderly Lisa and grandpapi Ken about how they’re too old to fuck or some shit. Lisa is getting all hissy-pissy.

Later on that night Brandi just keeps getting more fun and interesting so she decides to hang all over old man Ken like a cheap coat on a used rack. Except she was hanging her cheap rack on his used cock. Lisa notices that and she don’t like that shit. So, she threatens to cut that bitch if she doesn’t take her hands off her man and of course Brandi just keeps hanging on old grandpapi on purpose while flying on Xanax and monkey piss bong water or whatever the fuck that bitch was sucking on.

The next morning Brandi and Camille get some skimpy dental floss bikinis (but specially Brandi) while they both lay out in the sun wishing for some hot cabana boy to come by and spray them with tan lotion, but instead they get a chunky pool boy who sprays them with Hawaii sewer rat water. I wonder if the night Brandi and Camille scissored it up in Vegas  they were worried about their thin blade legs cutting them both in half?

While the two skanks laid there like two pieces of beef jerky drying up in the sun, Lisa and Ken show up so that Ken can ogle at Brandi. Lisa was all pissed off because Ken acts like such an embarrassing horny old toad all drooling on Brandi and asking her if her leg is okay or if she needs to have him arrange somebody to carry her on their back to the beach.

All this time Lisa was fuming because even though ooooooold fart Ken is old enough to be Lisa’s grandpapi Lisa is old news to him now and 38 year old brand new Brandi is old enough to be his great granddaughter and so he gets off on flirting with her. EEEWWWWW!!!!

Back in Cali Chankla Face is talking with her marriage counselor, about what an asshole her husband is and how because of him she is getting kicked out of every important white sheeet party in the Beverly Hillbillie’s and she will not stand for another boot to the ass at a party no more because she is tired of doing maintenance for this sob. The whole time Chankla Face and the counselor were talking they turned it into the let’s bash and blame Russell for everything hour.

Chankla calls the bitches on the phone to advice her marriage to Russell is ending because the bitch can’t handle first getting kicked out of the white sheeet party and next being banned from the Hawaii vacay, what’s next she may get kicked out of loitering at the Beverly Hillbillie’s public streets and fine establishments (where she doesn’t even live, but wishes she did) and then what?

IT’S OVER!  MY MARRIAGE IT’S OVER!! IT’S THE LAST TIME I AM GETTING THROWN OUT OF A PARTY !!!!WAAAAHHH!!!! WAAAAHHH!!! SINCE I AM GETTING A DIVORCE CAN I SWIM TO HAWAII AND JOIN YOU GUYS?

OK my Hot Bitches been busy at work which is why this recrap is running behind like the nalgas on my ass. Enjoy!

Camille Grammer received an email from an angry Russell Armstrong (similar to the one he send Lisa) warning Camille to shut the her fat mouth about him giving Chankla Face’s lips free beatdowns to keep her lips nice and plump without having to spend money on fat whale injections adding that these accusations are “false and slanderous remarks that could damage his business.” Adrienne and Paul are understandably afraid because with all the shit they all talk after a few cocktails, Russell who appears to be sue happy (those days) may decide to sue their rich assess next and then what?

They discuss the upcoming vacation to Hawaii and how  concerned they are that everyone is going to be afraid of having to hold their butt cheeks togueter to not  fart in Russell’s direction and insult him in the accidental crossfire or he may sue. See this is the reason rich people don’t hang around poor people they are afraid to get sued.

Lisa and Pandora are busy hiring a band for Pandora’s wedding and Lisa gets her panties wet over the Sombrero music. Booooring moving right along.

Back at Kyle’s she is freaking out about her annual white sheeet party because nothing is done; when she suddenly gets a phone call from Adrienne to let her know who was the latest recipient of the Armstrong’s sue happy email. Adrienne advice’s Kyle not to let that bitch Chankla and her  husband into the party because they may start suing bitches at random now. Kyle is not too happy, but knows this is what she has to do to keep the peace.

Kim and her daughters are having lunch at Kim’s latest faux-house possibly courtesy of Bravo so it looks like she has somewhere to live. Kim tells her daughters that her drug dealer I mean Quasimodo Ken will be making an appearance at the white party and that they better be nice to his ugly, creepy, rapist looking face or else he may take that two dollar promise ring back from Kim.

Let’s move right along to the fun part of this whole bitch fest at Kyle’s White Party. This whole episode was so boring but at the White Party is where all the excitements of the evening take place.

First we have stupid ass Kyle running around crying because she cant get a hold of Chankla Face to tell her not to bother coming to the White Party because no one wants her sue-happy ass over there.

While Kyle is freaking out about the Chankla situation, Kim is at the party running amuck already.  She  shows up with her drug-dealer Quasimodo Ken who is keeping her nice and lit up tonight; since she is wired to the moon she starts to act like an ass the minute she gets there and when she sees Pam/Dana  that bitch shows Kim nakid pictures of her and Brandi, but Kim is not digging that shit and tells Pam/Dana to shove those up her fat ass. Pam/Dana tries to laugh it off because she wants to make everyone happy so she can be accepted into this desperate Seahag group but Kim says that she will never make up with that gross bitch Brandi and will break her other leg. Must be the meth talking.

Kim also coughs on Lisa and freaks her out, I guess that must be a passive agressive thing that seniors in the old bitches home must pull when they’re trying to give someone the shingles. Kyle tells Chicken Head to calm her ass down and get along with Slut Pig. The classy Kim insist on breaking Brandi’s other leg. I think grandma need to calm her old ass down; bony ass Brandi can probably sit on her skinny ass with one leg broken and still fart on her chicken face and break Kim’s hip.

Kim  is nice and methed-out and feels like Superman on steroids so she is ready to take on tall ass Brandi.  She goes off to confront Brandi and her amazon bestie. Brandi who is towering over Chicken Head by at least 5 feet is trying to be cool by apologizing to Kim, because Brandi is smarter and realizes that you can’t argue with crazy, you’re just not going to win.

You can also tell that Brandi wants to laugh at chicken head and feels sorry for Kim’s pathetic ass standing there with her bony Tales From The Crypt finger pointing at Brandi berating her as if Brandi was five years old because Brandi likes to say “fuck” a lot and is a pretty girl who “ has a truck driver mouth.” You know,  if I had a nickel for everytime I’ve personally heard that I be Maloof rich. So what if Brandi has a truckdriver mouth? Kim looks and acts like she gives truck driver’s hand jobs for two bucks a pop. Brandi then, decides to yell “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!” You tell her Brandi. Then, she tells Chicken Head to watch that bony finger.

While Kim is confronting the two big bitches  who are secretcly clowning on Kim;  Ken is drooling on Brandi’s plastic teeties and her friend’s too.

Even though Kim is the one telling Brandi she is ghetto and shit, Brandi is not the one acting like a trailer park grandma strung out on meth making a complete buffoon out herself and even seeking her young daughter Kimberly on Brandi when she walks away and yells “MY DAUGHTER HAS SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU!!” That is sooo a low-life move that a trailer park meth head would pull. Kim’s daughter looks all embarrassed and confused because she got there at the tail end of the fight and has no idea what her crack-head mom is talking about or what the fuck she expects her to say to Brandi. Earlier that day  Kim “blew bubbles” of hypocrisy up her daughters asses about getting along with people and blah, blah, blah. Then she lies about her fake cement boobs and tries to tell Pam/Dana they are real. Even Quasimodo knows she is lying.

Kyle pulls Lisa away to gossip about the events that are currently developing and informs her she will have to tell Chankla Face and Russell to fuck off when they show up at the door. Lisa who was the last recipient before it was Camille’s turn in getting one of Russell’s threatening  email’s,  is now trying to be the peacemaker and say that maybe Chankla wasn’t aware of the emails Russell has been sending bitches to threaten them. Adrienne calls bullshit on that and says bitch ”knows” about these shenanigans. She may of even helped her husband type that email, no? Everyone including the men are all in a panick outroar and Kyle sure in fuck dind’t need Methy over there confronting Slut Pig Amazon.

Meanwhile Chankla Face and Russell are in a limo all dressed in white and saying that they left Vegas to go to Kyle’s party. Little do they know that their kind is not welcome at the party.  Listen to their very telling conversation about how now that they’ve forgiven each other they can have fun. What the fuck is that mean? Was this after one of those mutual boxing matches that we are all suspect took place in the Chankla and Russell marriage?

When the limo pulls up Chankla Face spits out a happy crappy “helooooo!” while Kyle is losing her shit in tears as if someone died (sorry about that we all know what happens to Russell later) Chankla is confused as to why Kyle is so upset who can’t spew out what is going on. But Paul straight up tells the duo they need to beat it because of the innapropiate email send to Camille. Russell looks at Mauricio as if he is going to interfere and tell them to come in after all, but Mauricio just laughs at them and tells them that nobody wants to get sued. NO SHIT! Adrienne jumps in and says that Camille will have to call her lawyers if she is near Chankla and Russell because of that bullshit email.

Chankla Face insist that she never read the email, Adrienne says that bitch is full of shit and tells Russell to explain it to his lying bitch wife. Russell says that he was just warning Camille about the false accusations she made and Paul tells Russell that’s bullshit.

After Russell and Chankla realize that these folks are not fucking around and they really want them gone, Chankla Face gets all bitchy and shitty and says some shit about enjoying their party because they left Vegas for this shit.

When Chankla crams her bony ass in the limo an emotional teary Kyle follows her like a desperate teenager that just got dumped by her prom date and starts bawling about the reasons for kicking them both out.  Kyle says that Camille was only repeating all the shit this bitch is been dishing out, but Chankla Face insist that Camille is making this shit up. NO BITCH YOU’RE MAKING THIS SHIT UP! Chankla Face is all hissy-pissy rude and you can tell she wants to rip Kyle’s face off despite all her crying apologies.

Finally Chankla and Russell leave the party all pissed off. I wonder if they got into a boxing match later that night because of all this shit.

In Touch Weekly has released some juicy gossip about Kim Richard’s life behind the curtain of Reality TV and how Bravo had to edit a lot of Kim’s belligerent drunken spaz scenes where she had no clue where the fuck she was at, and was falling on her ass being crazy and scary so those scenes needed to be deleted. In a new gossip piece titled “Destroyed By Hollywood,” Kims family spilled the beans about her drug and alcohol abuse. The relatives stated that, “Before the show, Kim was sober and living a low-key life,” and also that Kim is normal and not all trailer park-crazy like last episode when she made a mega-ass out of herself.  “Kim is a really quiet person when she’s sober,” and added “They’ve actually edited out a lot of scenes in which she was acting really sloppy,” and that “It was too evident that she was on something.” DUH!

Back a few years ago when Kim’s niece Paris Hilton made her homemade sex tape that went viral putting Paris on the famous for being famous map, Kim had a jelaousy breakdown (possibly fueled by a midlife crisis) since Kim used to be a child star and failed miserably to make it as an adult actor when Bitch Demon Hollywood spit her out after Kim was no longer “cute.” Kim felt that she “actually had talent,”  and this video of Paris being a ho’ made this bitch lose her shit. “so to watch her niece, Paris become huge for doing nothing was especially difficult. It ate her up inside.”

The same sources stated that Kim is known to have a “lifelong” pattern of heavy drinking  and because “She has always wanted to be famous,” she jumped on the House Skanks Circus Bandwagon because when it comes to fame. “Even a taste of it is addictive to her.” After she joined the circus, Kim who was supposedly clean, quiet and sober started getting hammered again, but the suspicion is that  “She’s a closet drinker who uses alcohol as a way to escape from pressure,”

It was with the help of her sister Kyle that she ended up in this situation because she is the one who aired Kim’s dirty chones after she told the world that Kim is an alcoholic when they had their limo fight on season one.

Recenltly Kim’s ex-husband stated that Kim is doing well in rehab “the happiest she’s been in a long time.” He added “She wanted to seek help so she could get better for herself, her children and her family.” It was also reported Kim’s rehab tab is being paid for by her Hilton rich relatives.

Lisa and Chankla Face are having lunch, Chankla Face says she is hungry. Really? Chankla you know that’s a pizza to eat not some Ajax on a mirror to snort? Right? Lisa is saying she wants to help Chankla because “Lisa wants to look like like the nice guy” while Chankla is auditioning to be the next Cedric. Lisa is falling for it.

Chankla Face says that going to  Brandi’s party was like walking into the lions-den. Yeah I bet, and Chankla was the one acting like the beast of the den. Then she states she doesn’t remember shit of what happened on the night of Brandi’s party because she was plastered like a sailor on payday after guzzling glasses of liquid courage. Then, after she admits that she was drunk off her ass she tells Lisa she hasn’t been drinking much lately. Bitch was probably drunk and can’t keep up with her lies.

Pandora has invited Chankla to ruin her bachelorette party (maybe Lisa pressure her to invite that hag) and surprisingly her 40th birthday falls on the same day as Pandora’s party. I wonder if “controlling” Russell knows Chankla Face will be going to Vegas to dry hump naked Chippendales? The mysteries of life.

After lunch Chankla leaves Lisa stuck with the bill. And so the mooching begins.

Camille has Dedra and Brandi over for lunch, booze and to talk smack about the other ho’s, like usual. Camille thinks Chankla is one hair away from a straight jacket and feels disappointed by Chankla’s asshole behavior. The other bitches don’t understand why Chankla Face is upset that Camille told the world what this bitch has been telling everyone all along. Camille also doesn’t understand Chankla and Lisa’s sudden besties relation-shit, Camille concludes it’s bullshit.

Adrienne and Paul are guest stars on a show called The Doctors and will be playing  a “power couple” who are promoting healthy eating and living.  Paul decides to  GRRRIIINNNDDD!!! On Adrienne’s last nerve by demanding food and complaining about being hungry and he does this shit all the way to the studio. Adrienne tells him he is a punk-bitch and cooking for his ass is not in her “power wife” job title that’s Bernie’s job. PUNK-BITCH!

I swear sometimes I sympathize with this bitch because when Paul is grinding on her last nerve I have flashbacks when Boss Man gets in my last nerve. Except, I love the Boss Man, but he can drive me nuts from time to time. AAARRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Kyle and the morally corrupt Faye Resnick (bitch is trying hard to get on this show) are at some lamp store breaking the lamps on purpose, since this was the only pathetic stunt they could pull out of their ass, so that the camera men would follow them.

Later on Kyle talks about her sister Kim and how that bitch lives under a drug-cocktail rock so she doesn’t use Facebook or Twitter or even answers her phone. Then, she does the splits on her dinning table for her photo-shoot because she too is hawking a book called How To Not Queefe While Doing The Splits. The only cool part about this Kyle-scene, was seeing little Portia and the dog eating cheese off the table. Portia is so adorable the rest is BORING! Moving right along.

Lisa takes her daughter Pandora wedding-dress shopping and the dresses were very pretty blah, blah, blah. Then, Lisa says something about how she rather purchase naked male whores instead of wedding dresses. WELL DUH! However, the best part of that shopping trip was Giggi. That little fucking dog is so damn cute did y’ all see his little paws trying to get out of those awful clothes Lisa insist on forcing him to wear? That little dog is so cute! CUUUUUUUTTTEE!!! That’s all I have to say about that scene.

Because Adrienne got butt-hurt that Pandora didn’t book her wild bachelorette weekend at her Palms Motel And Casino located over the freeway-hill, past 20 hotels and faaarr away from the strip (SCREW THAT!) She too is having a girls wild weekend and invites  Dana, Dedra, Brandi plus Camille to stay in her luxury Real World suite (complete with bedbugs) and bowl with their heels on, plus dance at the night-club and grind on each other while some random weirdo tries to get in between Camille and Brandi, and the bitches totally ignore his stupid ass.

We also got to see another portion of Dana showing off some dumb lollipop holder worth a million dollars. Camille who  could afford a few of those million dollar useless nicknacks and still pay her electric bill plus her full staff’s weekly salary, knows this bitch is stupid because she can not even afford to furnish the house she has been squatting at, and now she is carrying around a million dollar sucker because that’s EXACTLY what she is. I have a million dollar magic jelly bean I like to sell her, got it from the gumball machine for 25cents and she can suck on it all day. Maybe when the courts convict her and her man of fraud they can use this little piece of footage as evidence of their wild spending of other people’s money. PENDEJA!

Meanwhile, at the Planet Hollywood Lisa, Pandora, Chankla Face and a gang of twenty-something-year old girls that are friends of Pandora pile up in a limo and are up to no good Lisa doesn’t want Ken to know that. Lisa gets a “Mother Of The Bride” plastic tiara, Pandora gets a “Bride” tiara and Chankla Face gets an “Asshole” tiara.

Yep, because nobody gives a shit it’s Chankla’s birthday.

Poor Lisa and Pandora are stuck with an over excited-for-no-reason,  screaming Chankla Face while they watch the Chipmunk full Monty Show. I was traumatized from our recent brush with the fugly El RiDick-Culo and thought he was going to jump out of a box and start smacking bitches with his peen. But thank God that didn’t happen. However, the way Chankla was screaming all horrified and punching on Lisa every time one of the men shook his ass for those quarters you would of thought she was reacting to El RiDick-Culo’s Donkey Dong Dance. Lisa gets all pissed off at stupid Chankla and finally yells “HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN A NAKED MAN??!!” STUPID ASS!

After that, the Chipmunk Cock-Sock guys invite the ladies onstage to participate in a contest to see who can lap-dance and grind her ass the best on the male dancer’s crotch.  Lisa, Pandora and Chankla Face are the participants. Poor Pandora can’t go full dirty grind on this dude because her mama is there chaperoning her ass. But Lisa can go full on skank on the male stripper and the guy was enjoying that shit. Then, it’s Chankla Face’s turn I feel sorry for that guy because you can tell he was thinking NOOOO NOOOO NOOOOO!!! When bag of bones and lips Chankla does her lame-ass, sad attempt at lap-dancing on the poor bastard that gets stuck with her, he couldn’t wait to push her off him; which he does and she falls with her bony ass on ther ground which shatters into a million pieces. Lisa and her 72 year old hot ass win the contest (she does have a hot ass for an old broad!)

Kyle and her mother-in-law Estella are shopping at some store in the Hillbillie’s. When suddenly a belligerent Kim shows up, who’s been up for the past three weeks and is coming down from a meth-binge and is fighting with the imaginary spiders that followed her here. Kim says she doesn’t want to talk to Estella because Estella is going to know Kim has been hiiiiiiggggghhhhh!!!!

Estella leaves because it’s not like she wants to stay, get into an argument with Kim, and have her brand new face fall off because of the stress, Estella is old enough to know this skank it’s not worth it.

Kim starts going into a good old fashioned, public strung-out freak-out with tears and everything  and spills the beans about the difficult relationship she holds with Quasimoto Ken who Kim’s children hate and is accused of being  a controlling weirdo and an asshole and Kyle agrees with that, but is just going to give Kim more rope to hang herself with this time.

On her latest Bravo blog, Brandi Glanville addresses Kyle and Chankla Face’s behavior as hostile and ready to start shit for any little reason. She is right, since already those skank-hags hate on her for being a couple years younger, hotter and being able to wear dresses with no-bra, plus they suffer from a serious case of Attention Whore Personality Disorder so of course they were willing to make that party about them, shit on the table and wipe their ass on Brandi’s couch on their way out. Is the only way they can quench their AWPD thirst.

Brandi is also puzzled as to why Kyle reacted like a mental case when Brandi gave her a complement on her marriage and the dumb ass took it as a declaration of war on stealing Mauricio. I think that’s Kyle’s insecurity because she knows her man probably thinks Brandi’s newer plastic mug is cute and has more mileage than Kyle’s, plus Mauricio seems like he is a flirty eye-bally type of guy like Ramona’s Mario Singer.

From Brandi’s Bravo blog:

Prior to the party Taylor was already talking about having Kyle as “backup.” I’m not sure what she was anticipating. If Taylor had so many reservations about seeing Camille, and knew full well that Camille was going to be at this small gathering in Malibu, she should have stayed home.

When Taylor and Kyle finally arrived at my gathering, we were all pretty toasted and I invited them to join in the festivities. You can tell when I’m tipsy because my voice gets really high and annoying. Kyle immediately had to insult me, even after I complimented her marriage, by talking behind my back about my dress being slightly sheer. FYI: Kyle I had a super-hot husband for a long time too, and I was still able to take a compliment about his looks and adoration for me when one was given. In no way do I have any interest in Mauricio, or any married man for that matter.

And I believe they won’t stop until they rename the show “The Chankla And Kyle Show.”

Kyle is hanging around at The Plastic Surgery Gone Horribly Wrong Offices of Dr. Paul Nassif of Frankenstein with her mother-in-law Estella who recently got a face transplant. Her mother-in-law  and Dr. Frankenstein try to get Kyle to do a little quickie face-ironing on the go because Paul feels Kyle’s angry jealousy crease is starting to show too much, since Brandi joined the show. Kyle tries to bullshit everyone by saying she is against plastic surgery (unless her face skin drags down to the ground, and it will) and insist she is using what God gave her, she also believes that her daily mule piss injections do not count as plastic surgery.

Adrienne and Brandi meet to pretend they are having lunch by playing with the food on their plate and moving it around. Brandi says she is having some sort of belly dancing bitch and wine party and is concerned to put Chankla and Camille in the same room. Brandi says she is inviting everyone even asshole Kim who can’t stand her. After they pretend to eat lunch, they race to the bathroom to see who can puke the one nibble they each took off their meal the fastest.

Kyle is at home having some Cinco De Drinco party full of Mexicans (her words not mine and I can say that since my left side is Mexican.)  Before Mauricio can join the dinner table, Kyle smacks him with the newspaper because he is wearing some fugly ass shoes. While at the dinner Kyle gets jealous that her mother in law looks way younger than her and she can  turn her head like the fucking Exorcist.

Lisa is over at her new improved restaurant SUR and also slapping around the poor contractor who tries to give her an unwelcome complement. Ok that was boring moving right along.

Kim is sitting at home alone eating Cheetos and folding laundry she was invited to Brandi’s party, but refused to go because she hates that “slut pig.”

 Finally it’s Brandi’s party and she lives right smack in the middle of ghetto ass Malibu. I swear I’ve seen that house plenty of times while driving down PCH on my surf runs, but then again it looks like every other house on PCH so who knows.

Chankla Face and Kyle show up together and Chankla was already nice and drunk because on the limo ride there she pounded a couple of bottles of Night Train snorted some meth and then guzzled more booze all this on an empty stomach. Then, she bitched complained,  moaned and farted about NOT being willing to make amends with Camille, Kyle was holding her breath in the limo and needed to crack a window really really bad. 

When these ho’s arrive at Casa De Brandi, right away Kyle starts snarking that Brandi is a no-bra wearing ho’. Brandi brings out the belly dancing teaching lady who proceeds to teach these ho’s how to shake their assess like an ancient pole dancer because belly dancers are really only old school pole dancers. Why do you think they have coined belts?

Everyone is drinking, dancing and having a good time even when bitch ass Kyle starts complaining about Brandi’s bra-less boobs , but in reality Kyle is just pissed off because hers sag to the ground and have lost their bounce since like 14 babies ago. Then, she starts pointing at Brandi’s nips with a laser pointer trying to rile her up and tell her she needs a bra. But Brandi doesn’t fall for that shit and just ignores that jealous hag because Brandi is a  Flowerchild. Kyle is also ready willing and able to start a bitch slap fest over ANYTHING Brandi says or does, when Brandi tries to give Kyle a complement about her marriage Kyle takes that as an insult and a stealing Mauricio threat.

When Kyle sees that Brandi is not falling for her dumb ass stunts the dumb trick starts dancing like a drunken fool and taking over the belly dancing class to be ‘the center of attention” like Brandi points out.

Kyle thinks her splits are impressive, but what’s even more impressive is the fact that she has the flexibility of  a double jointed circus-freak star who after 13 children doesn’t even need to push or even be laying down to give birth anymore. The last baby she had while standing up fixing dinner, when suddenly she queefed and the baby landed in the enchilada platter she was fixing for Mauricio. The bitch didn’t know if that was an umbilical cord or stringy melted cheese. EEEEWWWWW!!!! Sorry for that mental image, that was gross!

Maybe Brandi needs to cover her nipples, but Kyle needs to  close her busted legs her insecurity is showing and it’s some BIG insecurity. I heard you can throw a two by four down Kyle’s insecurity and you will never hear it land because it gets swallowed up in that dark vortex of jealousy.

Kyle is trying to make digs at Brandi to get her cheesed up, but Chankla is walking around pouting to try and get a straight up bitch brawl started with Camille. Althought Kyle and Chankla are trying to get some pissy rise out of the other ho’s, everything is still going well everyone is getting along and this bothers Chankla Face to no end because SHE CAN’T STAND IT WHEN EVERYONE IS NICE AND HAVING A GOOD TIME!!!! NO!! It has to become about CHANKLA FACE! But how, how can I make this about myself and fuck up this bitches party??? Chankla thought to herself in between garbled drunken un-reasoning. Sooo she runs outside sits on the porch and pouts her trout lips.

Suddenly a big ass bitch confrontation takes place between Chankla Face and Camille’s friend/bitch guard about what an asshole Chankla Face is and how she should drop her shit and make up or at least talk it out with Camille. Chankla Face starts freaking out displaying another award winning performance when she screams like a mental patient without her meds  at the woman ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DONE TO ME!!” as if Camille murdered her children.

When Chankla Face manages to make this about her everyone runs outside to try and calm her out of control ass out. Bitch is standing by the rail where she could of fallen in the water and if it was windy that night she sure would of flown right into the ocean and drowned. Brandi sure had a lot of self control to not throw that annoying gnat overboard, she would of being fine after all, her inflated lips would floated her back to safety.

One of the ladies at the party who looks like she is 100 years old because I counted at least 50 surgeries on her face, starts telling Chankla stuff about how the ocean will be there once we are all gone and some shit about evolution that goes right over Chankla’s head. What do you mean evolve? The nice plastic surgery wannabe Jocelyne Wildenstein lady is trying to reason with drunken ass trailer-park Chankla Face who is going all Oklahoma  Hurricane on bitches faces. What  plastic-surgery-gone-scary nice lady (whatever the fuck her name is) doesn’t understand is that, she is dealing with a wild beast that was released into civilization and wild beast don’t evolve. They mutate, as we are witnessing here with Chankla Face making a grandiose FOOL of her screaming, fish-lip flapping self in front of all these people including the servers and the chefs who where laughing their asses off once everyone left and they were passing a peace joint while cleaning the kitchen before they had to head back to ghetto-ass Ventura to surf. That’s why these caterers don’t fight amongst each other, see. But Bravo would lose ratings if they had those bitches pass the bong instead of the moon shine.

Suddenly Brandi makes a move that has never been tried before in Housewives history and yells at Chankla and bitch Kyle to get THE FUCK OUT of her house. Those skanks try to fight her, but it doesn’t quite work . Then they have no choice, but to leave. It was awesome.

OMG!! OMG!! THAT’S RIGTH I ALMOST FORGOT!! (Thanks Robin for reminding me.) That whole pandemonium of crazy wasn’t enough. Chankla Face had to also embarrass herself in front of the unsuspecting limo driver that drove her and the other ungrateful hag home safe, who only gets paid 12 bucks an hour, which is not enough to put up with some screaming bitch demanding a light who ends up lighting the buttend of her cigarette, which reflects the permanent incoherent uncoordinated, chaotic drunk-ass she is.

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Kim Richards was not only forced to rehab by Bravo or else lose her only income, but new reports from People have now surfaced that her ass may be pushing a shopping cart in Beverly Hills soon because Kim  has no home waiting for her after her vacation at the rehab center is over with. 

The move with her new boyfriend Ken “Quasimoto” Blumenfeld  apparently didn’t work out and Kim has a history of going in and out of rehab for various other drug problems. Kim is also said to be unstable and constantly moving, broke and living in her former child star-Baby Jane, faded glory and in a I HATE LIFE depression cloud for many years. I believe it, the poor sad bitch is always packing in each episode. And I bet Bravo forked out the bill for her to live in that 3k house in Westlake Village and maybe they weren’t willing to continue paying it. It also sounds to me like moving with Quasi was out of need because she had nowhere to go. Poor busted Kim!

From People.com:

“Kim has been to rehab more than once before,” says the source, “but every time is a new time, and everyone just hopes this sticks and that she gets the help she needs. It’s serious.”

Richards has been “erratic. Everyone was really worried about her,” says the source, who adds that Richards is not living with Ken, the boyfriend who was introduced as her love interest this season.

During a recent episode of the Bravo show, Richards says she’s planning to move in with Ken, and cameras show her packing up her belongings.

“He’s not in the picture. No one really knows what the deal was with them, but Kim doesn’t live with Ken,” the source says. “She’s basically homeless, staying with various friends. She doesn’t have a home base. It’s not unusual for people to not hear from her for long stretches of time. It’s been that way for years.”

“Her family is relieved she’s getting help,” adds the source. “She has lots of issues. She needs help.”

Thanks to my snarky fun readers that send this little piece of info.