It’s winter in New York and Sonja is wearing that hat that makes her head look like a furry giant dildo. Ramona is with her also and she dragged her daughter Avery with her. The three of them are shopping at some store for retired 75 year old casino prostitutes who are trying to bring back their faded glory (just like Gonzo in every episode) because once again bankrupt Gonzo who is one Bravo paycheck away from ’shaking a can in the streets’, is throwing yet, another expensive party she really needs to throw, just like she needs a hole in her fat-head.
Gonzo is trying to bad influence Avery into wearing some slut lingerie and come to the party with all these crazy old bitches. Avery of course is horrified and wondering how she got suckered into coming to this store with her mother and this crazy bitch in the first place! This is child abuse unfolding in front of our eyes people! I feel for Avery!
After throwing up a little in her mouth, Avery puts her foot down and tells Gonzo that she ain’t going partying with a bunch of old bitches, who are trying to desperately hold on to their fleeing youth and if Avery shows up, there is the danger that her beautiful young eyes may bleed to death by seeing the horror of her parents and all the party goers (who to someone Avery’s age, are are all old farts getting ready to collect social security) humping on each other because ya’ all know damn well the evening will end in an orgy and Avery may become a virgin human sacrifice, and not because they would sacrifice her, but because after her eyes bleed she would start convulsing and throwing up violently and finally exploding.
Plus, I am sure that Avery senses that showing up to something like this puta-orgy Gonzo is throwing, can make a person catch a venereal disease. Not to mention permanent diarrhea by just being there and breathing the fumes of dinosaurs trying to mate. As a matter of fact I think just watching Gonzo trying desperately be sexy gives people bleeding of the eyes and violent diarrhea (and this is just from watching this ho’ on TV) so Avery is very smart to decline Gonzo’s invitation to this Old Bitch Underwear Parading Display of Scary.
Avery is obviously more modest and has more common sense than these two 50 year old desperate bitches that is, Sonja and her mom, who are trying to bad influence young Miss Avery. What is wrong with this picture?
Then they start talking to a sales person whom Ramona can’t tell if it is a man or a woman and since Ramonzon is fearful of the unknown she hides under a table thinking the tranni is gonna get her. Ramona notices that drag queen-dude looks like Sonja’s twin and Sonja even admits it!
Sonja is so in love with herself that when she sees that man, wo-man, drag -queen oorr tranni? Uuuhhh?! It doesn’t matter what he or she is, what matters is that Gonzo is so in luuuuve with herself that when sees this sales person she is smitten by this thing of beauty that looks like her twin sister! Ramona is frightened of the salesperson and continues hiding under the table and closing her eyes hoping it will go away.
Jill is taking the train to the college her daughter Ally ran away to (and who can blame her). Ally says that she is a vegetarian that eats chicken and fish because chicken and fish count as vegetables. Jill is confused by this and decides to verify that with the waiter because waiters are licensed to answer these types of questions.
Even though Jill is a royal pain in the ass you gotta love her daughter Ally. She decides to drop a bomb on Jill, and inform her crazy mother that she is taking a class on sexual theory or some shit like that Jill asks her if she is planning on choosing a career as a ‘pornographer’. Alley tells her mom she plans to become a sex columnist, but since Jill brought up a career in pornography Alley says she is now going to become the next female porn director. God bless her! Not only did she just cause Jill to shart in her granny panties, but she is doing something good for the world. I hope Alley only cast hot men for her flicks.
Jill continues to try and control everything Ally does, she even tells this girl whom I believe is over 20 now how to dress. It’s funny how you can tell Alley has learned to deal with her mothers bullshit and just brushes her off, but knows how to piss her off with things that Jill has no control over, like becoming a ‘pornographer’. NICE!
LuAnn is teaching her daughter Victoria how to drive because the best time to teach a teenager how to drive is when it’s the middle of winter when the roads are icy and your teenager just got done smoking a bowl to calm her nerves down.
After Victoria tries to give her mom a heart attack, by going 85 on a slippery parking lot because it’s funny, she decides to stop taunting her mother. After all, it looks like Victoria has gone on a joyride or two or maybe three before.
Ramona is meeting with her little mother Avery. Who is sick and tired of parenting drunken ass Ramona and skirt-chasing Mario. She complains that she is left home alone with no dinner and these two dip-shits, don’t tell her, or call her, or text her to let her know where they are at past 9:30. Ramona is getting embarrassed and kicking Avery under the table to shut up. Damn Ramona you mean you don’t even leave your kid a can opener and some Spaghettios?
Ramona tries to kiss Avery’s ass by saying something stupid about how she is going to make Avery a good breakfast when she takes her PSAT test and how she is going to prepare Avery for them. Avery informs her flaky-ass, too-drunk-to-notice, what the fuck is going on mom that she already took those test a while back and even got her test results back. She even had to take herself to her dental appointments and buy groceries.
I guess the tests and all that other fun stuff must of happened when Ramona took off to Morocco and disappeared for weeks. Avery didn’t see her or Mario for like three weeks. Ramona forgot to tell Avery she was going to Morocco. Mario also forgot to tell Avery Ramona bailed to Morocco because he was with his twenty four year old girlfriend somewhere. I think Avery just now learned this year Ramona went to Morocco when the episode aired.
However, she is very smart, so right after she gave Ramona a lecture on being a responsible parent she reads to her drunken ass mom some paper she wrote were she kissed her mom’s ass and calls her a ‘role model’. See this way she makes sure she gets her trust funds and inheritance and whatever she has coming from her parents even though she chewed Ramona out for being a flake and absent drunken parent who leaves Avery alone for days at a time. Good move Avery! Good move! First slap her, then kiss her. This way you are sure to get that trust fund. Shit, I be doing the same dang thing too!
Sonja is hanging out with her fat buddy Chris March again whose main objective to show up was to loot her fridge and take all the government cheese Gonzo’s being hoarding. Yes Bitches! It’s come to this, first she can’t upkeep or remodel her house that’s stuck in the butt-hole of the 80’s along with Sonja’s memories of being a real socialite, next she has to clean her own toilets and do her own dishes, all while shit is crumbling around her plus the smell of dog pee adorns the air and she tries to keep up the appearances of an aristocrat by hiring those so-called ‘interns’ that are her pretend-servants who are really just homeless run-away kids Gonzo picked up sleeping at the train station and she offered them a meal and a bed. And, we all know she’s making them sleep in her bed too.
Poor Sonja I guess marrying a rich old fart it’s not all that is cracked up to be if you’re just going to end up on the street toothless, shaking a can and harassing nice dressed people who are trying to eat their lunch on a nice side-walk trendy Bistro for a quarter, while trying to earn points with them as you tell them your old gold digger stories about how you used to dine with royalty and had servants at your beck and call. Hopefully Ramona will just come out of the closet and marry Sonja so she can support her with her Pinot Moonshine Wino Wine.
Gonzo is wearing her outfit backwards (I guess that’s the first sign of Alzheimer’s) and Chris points it out, Gonzo brags that her nipples have their own zip-code. Bitch is all dazed and confused prancing around and skipping, singing some stupid shit from her days as a house bitch and says she’s going to horrify everyone with a special half-woman, half-bird burlesque performance to give people horrible nightmares of a bird with a giant cottage cheese-ass raping them with a hairy giant dildo. That’s pretty fucking horrible! But at least her hair already looks like a bird’s nest.
Ramona shows up dragging a suitcase full of Pinot Moonshine and Gonzo decided to tell her about her burlesque bird flu performance, which pretty much consists of a diarrhea trail of insults against all the other bitches.
Kelly and LuAnn are out on a date. Together. And LuAnn has to read the menu and order the drinks for Kelly because she’s illiterate.
Kelly is asking LuAnn advice on love and blah blah blah and asks LuAnn if there was ever a time she felt like a total ass. LuAss pulls a story out of her butthole about how she met Prince Harry at some king of Greece’s son’s Christening and he left her hanging when he blew her off after this dumb bitch tried to get him to kiss her hand. I bet Cat from the RHODC is yelling at her Telly shouting something like this (but in a more ‘English’ type of way), HE DISSED YOU I FUCKED HIM YOU BLOODIE TWAT! Yeaah, because that’s much better.
LuAnn then meets with that tool she’s been paying to do her new 1930’s style rap song. He is wearing his dark glasses like last time because he is lying to her and can’t look at her straight in the eye when he tells her she sounds ‘cool’.
Then, Jill shows up, but that bitch can lie so she doesn’t need to wear sunglasses she can easily pretend she is enjoying LuMan’s music. LuMan sounds like some old stuffy dude trying to land a rap song:”Attention: Jill bring your jewelry, Cindy bringthose crystals. Ramona bring that Pinot. Sonja, her man. Kelly, the jelly beans, Alex and Simon. And I’ll bring the diamonds.”
Jillious decides she needs to put her 50-cent in and starts giving advice on redoing the song and tells coked-out music producer tool how to do his job. As she continues irritating the shit out of everyone in the room. The ‘you’re an asshole music’ begins playing and continues as she keeps talking. You can tell that music producer dude wants shut-slap her ass. It’s funny shit.
The Burlesque Show Of Nightmares Starting Gonzo As The Swan That Went Wrong
Sonja shows up with Ramona and Mario who is dressed like some Villain from the 1800’s and Ramona is missing the tray of cigars and cigarettes that goes with her outfit.
Jill points out that Gonzo is a broke ass and wonders where she gets all this money to throw all these parties and lavish expensive shindigs.
Mario drools on some scary bitches teeties. Simon shows up dressed like the 3 ring circus leader of this menopausal bitch platoon. He has some kind of monkey-jizz on his mustache to make it stick and look like an old-timey mustache.
Poopie Lapoop is talking shit about the half naked guy that’s wearing only suspenders (I guess he must be Brian’s date) that’s running around the party and Ramona is drooling on him, I think she needs a bib. I guess Ramona and Mario know who they are each taking home for the evening.
Simon decides it’s time to chase Jill around and harass her into talking to him and Jill screams and runs as she pretends she is scared of Simon when he pops up behind her and Kelly while the two bitches are having a conversation.
Simon continues to chase Jill around until he finally corners her and Bawby comes to the rescue. It all ends up with Simon giving an award winning drunken performance (that doofus was super drunk that night, I could smell his hooch-breath through the TV) when he cries and tells Jill he loves her and proceeds to kiss her ass then goes into speech mode blah,blah, blah. What the fuck was he trying to secure a swingers meeting between him Alex, Jill and Bawby? I know I have a dirty mind! Jill tells Simon she forgives him but, will continue to kick him in the balls.
We get to see some skinny bitch dancing in old-timey granny panties and ends up taking off her top and shaking her pasties. At first I thought she was topples under that! Mario is sitting there getting a boner and trying to hide it with Jill’s tiny-ity-bity little hat (because that fit the little prize) then he shoves dollar bills in the dancer’s big ass underwear and tries to take that chick with the perky teeties home, but she turns him down and instead he ends up taking home that scary blonde chick with the huge scary tatas that have varicose veins in them.
Cindy shows up towards the end of the party wearing nothing but her underwear and big ass teeth to yell something about sucking a ‘golden cock’ or some shit.
And finally it’s time for that scary ass performance by Gonzo that’s supposed to give everyone that watches it bleeding of the eyes and permanent nightmares with diarrhea for the rest of their lives.
Gonzo has now fully changed into her dirty-bird outfit made out of chicken feathers and toilet paper. She is also suffering from some weird ass delusional episode of still being an aristocrat and believes in her mind that there is French royalty present at this party. CUCKOO!!
While Gonzo is performing this horrendous whatchamacallit, I don’t even know what this is that she is doing, she is calling these bitches ’snitches’ telling them to go out the door and all this crazy insulting shit. It was funny how she arranged to give a performance to insult and clown on the people that came to see it. IT WAS GENIOUS! Jill gets all offended and says that this bitch is making fun of all of them! Wow Jill is so perceptive!
At the end of the night everyone that watched the dirty bird performance got suddenly ill with violent vomiting and diarrhea plus bleeding of the eyes. Everyone left in an ambulance. Avery was glad she didn’t show up.
