In Touch Weekly has released some juicy gossip about Kim Richard’s life behind the curtain of Reality TV and how Bravo had to edit a lot of Kim’s belligerent drunken spaz scenes where she had no clue where the fuck she was at, and was falling on her ass being crazy and scary so those scenes needed to be deleted. In a new gossip piece titled “Destroyed By Hollywood,” Kims family spilled the beans about her drug and alcohol abuse. The relatives stated that, “Before the show, Kim was sober and living a low-key life,” and also that Kim is normal and not all trailer park-crazy like last episode when she made a mega-ass out of herself.  “Kim is a really quiet person when she’s sober,” and added “They’ve actually edited out a lot of scenes in which she was acting really sloppy,” and that “It was too evident that she was on something.” DUH!

Back a few years ago when Kim’s niece Paris Hilton made her homemade sex tape that went viral putting Paris on the famous for being famous map, Kim had a jelaousy breakdown (possibly fueled by a midlife crisis) since Kim used to be a child star and failed miserably to make it as an adult actor when Bitch Demon Hollywood spit her out after Kim was no longer “cute.” Kim felt that she “actually had talent,”  and this video of Paris being a ho’ made this bitch lose her shit. “so to watch her niece, Paris become huge for doing nothing was especially difficult. It ate her up inside.”

The same sources stated that Kim is known to have a “lifelong” pattern of heavy drinking  and because “She has always wanted to be famous,” she jumped on the House Skanks Circus Bandwagon because when it comes to fame. “Even a taste of it is addictive to her.” After she joined the circus, Kim who was supposedly clean, quiet and sober started getting hammered again, but the suspicion is that  “She’s a closet drinker who uses alcohol as a way to escape from pressure,”

It was with the help of her sister Kyle that she ended up in this situation because she is the one who aired Kim’s dirty chones after she told the world that Kim is an alcoholic when they had their limo fight on season one.

Recenltly Kim’s ex-husband stated that Kim is doing well in rehab “the happiest she’s been in a long time.” He added “She wanted to seek help so she could get better for herself, her children and her family.” It was also reported Kim’s rehab tab is being paid for by her Hilton rich relatives.

Lisa and Chankla Face are having lunch, Chankla Face says she is hungry. Really? Chankla you know that’s a pizza to eat not some Ajax on a mirror to snort? Right? Lisa is saying she wants to help Chankla because “Lisa wants to look like like the nice guy” while Chankla is auditioning to be the next Cedric. Lisa is falling for it.

Chankla Face says that going to  Brandi’s party was like walking into the lions-den. Yeah I bet, and Chankla was the one acting like the beast of the den. Then she states she doesn’t remember shit of what happened on the night of Brandi’s party because she was plastered like a sailor on payday after guzzling glasses of liquid courage. Then, after she admits that she was drunk off her ass she tells Lisa she hasn’t been drinking much lately. Bitch was probably drunk and can’t keep up with her lies.

Pandora has invited Chankla to ruin her bachelorette party (maybe Lisa pressure her to invite that hag) and surprisingly her 40th birthday falls on the same day as Pandora’s party. I wonder if “controlling” Russell knows Chankla Face will be going to Vegas to dry hump naked Chippendales? The mysteries of life.

After lunch Chankla leaves Lisa stuck with the bill. And so the mooching begins.

Camille has Dedra and Brandi over for lunch, booze and to talk smack about the other ho’s, like usual. Camille thinks Chankla is one hair away from a straight jacket and feels disappointed by Chankla’s asshole behavior. The other bitches don’t understand why Chankla Face is upset that Camille told the world what this bitch has been telling everyone all along. Camille also doesn’t understand Chankla and Lisa’s sudden besties relation-shit, Camille concludes it’s bullshit.

Adrienne and Paul are guest stars on a show called The Doctors and will be playing  a “power couple” who are promoting healthy eating and living.  Paul decides to  GRRRIIINNNDDD!!! On Adrienne’s last nerve by demanding food and complaining about being hungry and he does this shit all the way to the studio. Adrienne tells him he is a punk-bitch and cooking for his ass is not in her “power wife” job title that’s Bernie’s job. PUNK-BITCH!

I swear sometimes I sympathize with this bitch because when Paul is grinding on her last nerve I have flashbacks when Boss Man gets in my last nerve. Except, I love the Boss Man, but he can drive me nuts from time to time. AAARRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Kyle and the morally corrupt Faye Resnick (bitch is trying hard to get on this show) are at some lamp store breaking the lamps on purpose, since this was the only pathetic stunt they could pull out of their ass, so that the camera men would follow them.

Later on Kyle talks about her sister Kim and how that bitch lives under a drug-cocktail rock so she doesn’t use Facebook or Twitter or even answers her phone. Then, she does the splits on her dinning table for her photo-shoot because she too is hawking a book called How To Not Queefe While Doing The Splits. The only cool part about this Kyle-scene, was seeing little Portia and the dog eating cheese off the table. Portia is so adorable the rest is BORING! Moving right along.

Lisa takes her daughter Pandora wedding-dress shopping and the dresses were very pretty blah, blah, blah. Then, Lisa says something about how she rather purchase naked male whores instead of wedding dresses. WELL DUH! However, the best part of that shopping trip was Giggi. That little fucking dog is so damn cute did y’ all see his little paws trying to get out of those awful clothes Lisa insist on forcing him to wear? That little dog is so cute! CUUUUUUUTTTEE!!! That’s all I have to say about that scene.

Because Adrienne got butt-hurt that Pandora didn’t book her wild bachelorette weekend at her Palms Motel And Casino located over the freeway-hill, past 20 hotels and faaarr away from the strip (SCREW THAT!) She too is having a girls wild weekend and invites  Dana, Dedra, Brandi plus Camille to stay in her luxury Real World suite (complete with bedbugs) and bowl with their heels on, plus dance at the night-club and grind on each other while some random weirdo tries to get in between Camille and Brandi, and the bitches totally ignore his stupid ass.

We also got to see another portion of Dana showing off some dumb lollipop holder worth a million dollars. Camille who  could afford a few of those million dollar useless nicknacks and still pay her electric bill plus her full staff’s weekly salary, knows this bitch is stupid because she can not even afford to furnish the house she has been squatting at, and now she is carrying around a million dollar sucker because that’s EXACTLY what she is. I have a million dollar magic jelly bean I like to sell her, got it from the gumball machine for 25cents and she can suck on it all day. Maybe when the courts convict her and her man of fraud they can use this little piece of footage as evidence of their wild spending of other people’s money. PENDEJA!

Meanwhile, at the Planet Hollywood Lisa, Pandora, Chankla Face and a gang of twenty-something-year old girls that are friends of Pandora pile up in a limo and are up to no good Lisa doesn’t want Ken to know that. Lisa gets a “Mother Of The Bride” plastic tiara, Pandora gets a “Bride” tiara and Chankla Face gets an “Asshole” tiara.

Yep, because nobody gives a shit it’s Chankla’s birthday.

Poor Lisa and Pandora are stuck with an over excited-for-no-reason,  screaming Chankla Face while they watch the Chipmunk full Monty Show. I was traumatized from our recent brush with the fugly El RiDick-Culo and thought he was going to jump out of a box and start smacking bitches with his peen. But thank God that didn’t happen. However, the way Chankla was screaming all horrified and punching on Lisa every time one of the men shook his ass for those quarters you would of thought she was reacting to El RiDick-Culo’s Donkey Dong Dance. Lisa gets all pissed off at stupid Chankla and finally yells “HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN A NAKED MAN??!!” STUPID ASS!

After that, the Chipmunk Cock-Sock guys invite the ladies onstage to participate in a contest to see who can lap-dance and grind her ass the best on the male dancer’s crotch.  Lisa, Pandora and Chankla Face are the participants. Poor Pandora can’t go full dirty grind on this dude because her mama is there chaperoning her ass. But Lisa can go full on skank on the male stripper and the guy was enjoying that shit. Then, it’s Chankla Face’s turn I feel sorry for that guy because you can tell he was thinking NOOOO NOOOO NOOOOO!!! When bag of bones and lips Chankla does her lame-ass, sad attempt at lap-dancing on the poor bastard that gets stuck with her, he couldn’t wait to push her off him; which he does and she falls with her bony ass on ther ground which shatters into a million pieces. Lisa and her 72 year old hot ass win the contest (she does have a hot ass for an old broad!)

Kyle and her mother-in-law Estella are shopping at some store in the Hillbillie’s. When suddenly a belligerent Kim shows up, who’s been up for the past three weeks and is coming down from a meth-binge and is fighting with the imaginary spiders that followed her here. Kim says she doesn’t want to talk to Estella because Estella is going to know Kim has been hiiiiiiggggghhhhh!!!!

Estella leaves because it’s not like she wants to stay, get into an argument with Kim, and have her brand new face fall off because of the stress, Estella is old enough to know this skank it’s not worth it.

Kim starts going into a good old fashioned, public strung-out freak-out with tears and everything  and spills the beans about the difficult relationship she holds with Quasimoto Ken who Kim’s children hate and is accused of being  a controlling weirdo and an asshole and Kyle agrees with that, but is just going to give Kim more rope to hang herself with this time.

Kyle is hanging around at The Plastic Surgery Gone Horribly Wrong Offices of Dr. Paul Nassif of Frankenstein with her mother-in-law Estella who recently got a face transplant. Her mother-in-law  and Dr. Frankenstein try to get Kyle to do a little quickie face-ironing on the go because Paul feels Kyle’s angry jealousy crease is starting to show too much, since Brandi joined the show. Kyle tries to bullshit everyone by saying she is against plastic surgery (unless her face skin drags down to the ground, and it will) and insist she is using what God gave her, she also believes that her daily mule piss injections do not count as plastic surgery.

Adrienne and Brandi meet to pretend they are having lunch by playing with the food on their plate and moving it around. Brandi says she is having some sort of belly dancing bitch and wine party and is concerned to put Chankla and Camille in the same room. Brandi says she is inviting everyone even asshole Kim who can’t stand her. After they pretend to eat lunch, they race to the bathroom to see who can puke the one nibble they each took off their meal the fastest.

Kyle is at home having some Cinco De Drinco party full of Mexicans (her words not mine and I can say that since my left side is Mexican.)  Before Mauricio can join the dinner table, Kyle smacks him with the newspaper because he is wearing some fugly ass shoes. While at the dinner Kyle gets jealous that her mother in law looks way younger than her and she can  turn her head like the fucking Exorcist.

Lisa is over at her new improved restaurant SUR and also slapping around the poor contractor who tries to give her an unwelcome complement. Ok that was boring moving right along.

Kim is sitting at home alone eating Cheetos and folding laundry she was invited to Brandi’s party, but refused to go because she hates that “slut pig.”

 Finally it’s Brandi’s party and she lives right smack in the middle of ghetto ass Malibu. I swear I’ve seen that house plenty of times while driving down PCH on my surf runs, but then again it looks like every other house on PCH so who knows.

Chankla Face and Kyle show up together and Chankla was already nice and drunk because on the limo ride there she pounded a couple of bottles of Night Train snorted some meth and then guzzled more booze all this on an empty stomach. Then, she bitched complained,  moaned and farted about NOT being willing to make amends with Camille, Kyle was holding her breath in the limo and needed to crack a window really really bad. 

When these ho’s arrive at Casa De Brandi, right away Kyle starts snarking that Brandi is a no-bra wearing ho’. Brandi brings out the belly dancing teaching lady who proceeds to teach these ho’s how to shake their assess like an ancient pole dancer because belly dancers are really only old school pole dancers. Why do you think they have coined belts?

Everyone is drinking, dancing and having a good time even when bitch ass Kyle starts complaining about Brandi’s bra-less boobs , but in reality Kyle is just pissed off because hers sag to the ground and have lost their bounce since like 14 babies ago. Then, she starts pointing at Brandi’s nips with a laser pointer trying to rile her up and tell her she needs a bra. But Brandi doesn’t fall for that shit and just ignores that jealous hag because Brandi is a  Flowerchild. Kyle is also ready willing and able to start a bitch slap fest over ANYTHING Brandi says or does, when Brandi tries to give Kyle a complement about her marriage Kyle takes that as an insult and a stealing Mauricio threat.

When Kyle sees that Brandi is not falling for her dumb ass stunts the dumb trick starts dancing like a drunken fool and taking over the belly dancing class to be ‘the center of attention” like Brandi points out.

Kyle thinks her splits are impressive, but what’s even more impressive is the fact that she has the flexibility of  a double jointed circus-freak star who after 13 children doesn’t even need to push or even be laying down to give birth anymore. The last baby she had while standing up fixing dinner, when suddenly she queefed and the baby landed in the enchilada platter she was fixing for Mauricio. The bitch didn’t know if that was an umbilical cord or stringy melted cheese. EEEEWWWWW!!!! Sorry for that mental image, that was gross!

Maybe Brandi needs to cover her nipples, but Kyle needs to  close her busted legs her insecurity is showing and it’s some BIG insecurity. I heard you can throw a two by four down Kyle’s insecurity and you will never hear it land because it gets swallowed up in that dark vortex of jealousy.

Kyle is trying to make digs at Brandi to get her cheesed up, but Chankla is walking around pouting to try and get a straight up bitch brawl started with Camille. Althought Kyle and Chankla are trying to get some pissy rise out of the other ho’s, everything is still going well everyone is getting along and this bothers Chankla Face to no end because SHE CAN’T STAND IT WHEN EVERYONE IS NICE AND HAVING A GOOD TIME!!!! NO!! It has to become about CHANKLA FACE! But how, how can I make this about myself and fuck up this bitches party??? Chankla thought to herself in between garbled drunken un-reasoning. Sooo she runs outside sits on the porch and pouts her trout lips.

Suddenly a big ass bitch confrontation takes place between Chankla Face and Camille’s friend/bitch guard about what an asshole Chankla Face is and how she should drop her shit and make up or at least talk it out with Camille. Chankla Face starts freaking out displaying another award winning performance when she screams like a mental patient without her meds  at the woman ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DONE TO ME!!” as if Camille murdered her children.

When Chankla Face manages to make this about her everyone runs outside to try and calm her out of control ass out. Bitch is standing by the rail where she could of fallen in the water and if it was windy that night she sure would of flown right into the ocean and drowned. Brandi sure had a lot of self control to not throw that annoying gnat overboard, she would of being fine after all, her inflated lips would floated her back to safety.

One of the ladies at the party who looks like she is 100 years old because I counted at least 50 surgeries on her face, starts telling Chankla stuff about how the ocean will be there once we are all gone and some shit about evolution that goes right over Chankla’s head. What do you mean evolve? The nice plastic surgery wannabe Jocelyne Wildenstein lady is trying to reason with drunken ass trailer-park Chankla Face who is going all Oklahoma  Hurricane on bitches faces. What  plastic-surgery-gone-scary nice lady (whatever the fuck her name is) doesn’t understand is that, she is dealing with a wild beast that was released into civilization and wild beast don’t evolve. They mutate, as we are witnessing here with Chankla Face making a grandiose FOOL of her screaming, fish-lip flapping self in front of all these people including the servers and the chefs who where laughing their asses off once everyone left and they were passing a peace joint while cleaning the kitchen before they had to head back to ghetto-ass Ventura to surf. That’s why these caterers don’t fight amongst each other, see. But Bravo would lose ratings if they had those bitches pass the bong instead of the moon shine.

Suddenly Brandi makes a move that has never been tried before in Housewives history and yells at Chankla and bitch Kyle to get THE FUCK OUT of her house. Those skanks try to fight her, but it doesn’t quite work . Then they have no choice, but to leave. It was awesome.

OMG!! OMG!! THAT’S RIGTH I ALMOST FORGOT!! (Thanks Robin for reminding me.) That whole pandemonium of crazy wasn’t enough. Chankla Face had to also embarrass herself in front of the unsuspecting limo driver that drove her and the other ungrateful hag home safe, who only gets paid 12 bucks an hour, which is not enough to put up with some screaming bitch demanding a light who ends up lighting the buttend of her cigarette, which reflects the permanent incoherent uncoordinated, chaotic drunk-ass she is.

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The episode opens with Kyle and Kim. Kyle is meeting Kim’s mystery man (that she found on craigslist hookups) for the first time and is sobbing because she knows he is a weirdo. I mean just LOOK AT HIM! So Kyle cries and blah, blah, blah. She knows Kim fucked up.

OK moving right along. Chankla Face had some event thing for her faux-charity. Chankla doesn’t like Miss Princess Lisa VanderDump because Miss VanderDump is made of real Gold turds and her ass can tell a faker from eight yards away. Chankla doesn’t like it when someone tells her like it is so, she makes an effort to avoid Lisa as much as possible and because she also wanted to throw a passive aggressive dig she totally didn’t invite Lisa to the event and of course  to piss her off.

Chankla’s evil plan to piss the Lisa off worked because she purposely didn’t tell some of the other bitches that she wasn’t inviting Lisa (see so this way they would spill it to Lisa in conversation later on) and luckily, for Chankla Face this happened sooner than she thought because while Kyle was wondering the hallways of an abandoned crackhouse looking for Chankla’s event she accidentally tells Lisa on a phone coversation, that Chankla Face didn’t invite her.  When Kyle told Chankla Face of her accidental spill Chankla was loving that shit.

The next day, Lisa invites all the skanks including Chankla Face to her multimillion dollar princess castle so, that Chankla can feel stupid for not inviting Lisa to her faux charity thingy. But before Chankla Face shows up, at the VanderDumpster multimillion dollar dump, Lisa reveals an email she received from the late Russell who was planning on making a couple of bucks out of the deal and sue the VanderDumpsters for talking to the gossip mags about Chankla Face’s deteriorating, pill-popping, crack-head frame.

Chankla Face and her lips show up to Lisa’s mansion. And because Chankla is a raging attention-whore with amazing  water faucet talents, she decides she wants to start confronting Lisa and cry and scream with her gigantor lips like she wants to swallow Lisa alive, then maybe Lisa would shut up and quit telling that bitch to eat; but who wouldn’t tell that scary bitch to eat something? She looks like she hasn’t eaten since 1975!

So, Chankla Face starts crying more and getting louder about how Lisa doesn’t like her because Chankla is a broke ass and Lisa was sitting there almost smirking because she KNOWS that Chankla Face is a grifter and not real Beverly Hillbilly Royalty. (I mean, if the bitch would of at least won the lottery, maybe Lisa would of liked her better, but nah!)

Chankla Face is on a “mission” to ruin Lisa’s afternoon tea that she even tries to get the other bitches to join her in telling Princess Lisa how it is. When Chankla Face tries to get the other bitches to thrash on Lisa, the other ho’s are sitting there mumbling and twiddling their thumbs, but specially dipshit Kyle when Chankla Face goes off on Lisa having a HUGE EGO (like Chankla doesn’t right?) and she drags Kyle into it.

Chankla Face kept crying and screaming at the top of her lungs, about how she kissed Lisa’s ass to be part of the rich bitch club, but since Chankla Face’s middle name is Traylor Parker she will never be good enough for Lisa and Lisa feels deep down inside that Chankla needs to go back to her double wide in Oklahoma where she is comfortable. Even though Lisa thinks Chankla is a loser and all of that shit she still apologized to her for being an asshole, but all of that is not enough for Chankla who is on a meltdown. AGAIN!

Then, Lisa reminds Chankla Face that she invited her and little Kennedy to go live with her, but Chankla says that Lisa did it to be a bitch. YEP, that’s exactly what that bitch was planning to do she was going to have Chankla take Maria the maids spot and her and Maria were going to laugh at Chankla while she tried to figure out how to clean the toilets. Chankla was on to her.

Chankla Face storms out. When she storms out she runs into someone. At first I thought it was the cameramen or some shit because you hear her say “I stormed out!” but upon closer inspection I saw it was none other than Dr. Paul Frankenstein and the water faucet was turn to off, and her mood turned to on. YEP! I suspect that! Because watch how comfortable and happy she is to see him!

Meanwhile, the other hens are in the hen-house cackling back and forth about how Chankla Face is an asshole that cries one minute about how she is leaving Russell for good and the next minute she is jumping on an airplane with him. Kyle is even fed up with Chankla Face and brings up how that bitch probably makes up all the wild stories about Russell. Notice how Lisa asks Kyle BITCH ISN’T SHE YOUR FRIEND? And Kyle is all licking Lisa’s ass and taking sides with Lisa and the majority because she doesn’t want to piss her rich friend off.

Chankla Face comes back in to fight some more and this is where shit got good. After Chankla sat there, whining about how she wants everyone to be honest, and bring everything out to the table Camille asks her if she really wants ALL OF  her true business out there and warns her to be careful with saying shit like that. All of the sudden Camille can’t take it anymore and straight up yells at Chankla “WE BEEN PROTECTING YOU! BECAUSE WE DON’T SAY THAT HE HITS YOU! BECAUSE WE DON’T SAY HE BROKE YOUR JAW! OR THAT HE BEAT YOU UP! AND THAT HE, HE HITS YOU! WE DON’T SAY THAT  BUT NOW WE SAID IT!” SNAAAP!!! Chankla wanted honesty and Camille brought up the 900 pound gorilla in the room. And all of the sudden I love Camille Grammer!