During the last episode of the Real HouseSkanks Of The OC , Tamra found out her boobs are still a size D and Vicki’s are double FF  Circus Teeties. While at the bra store Tamra yells out to the world that Briana eloped and is now doing it with her new husband. Vicki covers Tamra’s big mouth to shut it up because she is embarrassed her daughter ran off to marry since in Vicki’s mind (and what she tells everyone in town) Briana is still a virgin and holding her virginity until marriage ala Teresa Giudice style.

Then, Vicki sobs and admits the real reason she is pissed that Briana ran off to get married is because she messed up Vicki’s hope to run, control, stress over agonize and handle all of the aspects of Vicki’s  I mean Briana’s wedding; and if she could Vicki would also like to take control and handle all of Briana’s marriage situations after the wedding. So, this way Vicki can be happy. NOT!

Later on Slimey puts on some spandex (OH LAWD WHY!?) and heads out to ride bikes with Gretchen’s dad, this way he can also asks Gretchen’s dad for her hand in marriage. Gretchen’s dad response, first he laughs in Slimey’s face then he says something like: SHE IS A BIG GIRL, AND I DOUBT SHE’LL MARRIED A BROKE ASS SLIME BUCKET DEAD BEAT LIKE YOU, WITH  A TRAIL OF LEGAL TROUBLES WHO THINKS HE IS A STAR. So much for that!

Then, we find out it takes Gretchen four hours to cement on her makeup if not she looks like this:

Meanwhile Gretchen is having lunch with Tamra and her ears are ringing so she tells Tamra that she doesn’t want to marry loser Slimey because she knows he is a broke ass and all of his child support debts will become hers but, she keeps him around anyways so this way she can have a story line to sell us and someone to run to the store when she needs tampons, that’s what their relationshit is based on.

Then, they start talking about how Tamra is starting a gym without equipment only classes, (people can go on youtube and watch free exercise videos for that shit, just saying) and about how everyone will have to wear gowns to the Wines BY Wives event where Vicki will announce Briana’s recent elopement and later ambush Bri with an introduction to the new con man in her life whom her children haven’t met yet, even thought this asshole whom no one knows what he does for a living already knows all of Vicki’s email, Facebook and bank account passwords, not to mention the fact that, he drives Vicki’s cars around town and Vicki pays for his meals expensive hotels and designer clothes. These are the concerns Briana and all of America have but, smart business lady Vicki has no answers to these concerns. Like I said before, why doesn’t this desperate bitch just hire a gigolo instead?  They will tell her everything she wants to hear and is cheaper in the long run. Vicki may be business smart but street dumb. Truck driver tits Tamra seems to be more street smart but, Vicki who thinks she knows it all wouldn’t listen to Tamra’s advice when it comes to dipshit Crooked Brooks until her ass is on the street homeless, broke, toothless and wearing a barrel because Brook The Crook conned her out of all of her shit.

When all the other ho’s show up at the event Tamra brings her beardy son Ryan (who  is now a werewolf who rents-to-own couches) as her date, and we also find out that in OC NO ONE dresses up. WHAT?! I am confused here, don’t these bitches always run around wearing big hooker stilettos with their chi-chis hanging out and huge ass rapper-50 lb necklaces and shit like that? They are always dressed up. Well call me Billy and send me to the Beach in flip-flops(beach-billy) because to me it looks like they’re always dressed up ALWAYS.  Like HOOKERS working the corner but, they do dress up EVERYDAY so I don’t know why they’re saying they never do. OKAY THEN.

When all the ho’s arrive in their fancy dresses Baby Joker Face starts throwing her opinion around about how in the ghetto ass OC these bitches don’t know how to dress up fancy or how to behave at such foo foo la la events because someone already stuck their middle finger in the potato salad and blah, blah, blah.

While Baby Joker Face is standing there pointing out people’s un-fancy behavior her point is made when  banjos start playing  to announce that AlexAss is in the room, the bitch shows up wearing road kill, with a short skirt and is late because she couldn’t find her other braincell, the one that still kinda works.

Vicki forces her son Michael to go meet Crooked Brooks and of course Michael starts smelling bullshit right away.  Brooks gives Michael his selling pitch and tells him how he knows Michael is a great person and loves him blah, blah, blah. Then, the asshole has the nerve to bring up Briana’s elopement and is acting as if he is known Michael for many years, this pisses Michael off to no end and wants to punch this douche right in his mouth.  By this time the smell of bullshit was so strong Michael’s eyes are watery, he feels nauseous and needs to jump through the window, anything to get away from Brook’s creepy ass spewage. Michael finally makes an escape but the poor thing had a nasty taste in his mouth that lasted for days as if he ate a shit sandwich, after meeting that weirdo Brooks. POBRECITO!

Well Briana and her husband Mr. Briana J (Hi Nikki!) finally show up and before they meet Crooked Brooks, Vicki decides to do a big ass announcement that her daughter went off to Vegas to get hitched.  But, before Vicki gets to the point she is going on and on about Briana and the shenanigans she pulled,  so people thought some bad shit happened to her until Vicki says she got married and everyone was like OH THAT’S IT? BUT SHE IS FINE RIGHT? Gretchen wonders where Briana got the ‘brass balls’ to elope knowing who her monster, I mean mother is.

Surprisingly Michael learned of his sisters elopement adventures in Vegas from Facebook and thinks it was “shocking and disgusting” at least he knows who his mother is.

Later on Brooks turns up the creep factor and tells Vicki and Tamra how he admires, respects and looooves their sons who are pillars of society who will change the world whom he is only met like two minutes ago. Tamra wants to laugh and spit her wine in Brook’s face, I am surprise she held it together and didn’t spit on him, that was a miracle that took Tamra a lot of self restraint. Proud of her. What the fuck am I saying, NO I AM NOT! I rather see Tamra be Tamra the bitch hardly ever disappoints me with her no filter mouth. That’s why I love Tamra despite all the shit I talk about the crazy bitch, it is done with looove, I curl up my lips as I pronounce it loooove.

Finally the moment arrives for Brooks to go on full creep mode and meet Briana and Ryan. Briana wants to throw up the minute she hears the bullshit that’s coming out of this douche’s mouth and isn’t buying the cheap-swamp-lake creepy ass Hallmark asshole-sucking speech he is throwing at her. BRIANA DOESN’T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT HIM BECAUSE SHE CAN’T! When Vicki insists that they get along Briana gives her a ‘fuck you’ attitude . Brooks can tell Briana can’t stand him and can see RIGHT THROUGH HIM and HE KNOWS IT.

Vicki keeps pushing that they all get along and says that her situation with Crooked Brooks is the same as Briana and Ryan. Briana flips out and says HELL NO IT’S NOT THE SAME! Vicki almost has a heart attack from her daughter’s latest telling that bitch like it is smack down disrespect and Brooks almost loses it. You can see it in Brook’s eyes that he is flaming pissed and his face says that he wants to get up be his true nasty self and yell some obscenities at Bri. But, suddenly he remembers where he is at and totally holds himself back because he has his eyes on the prize and doesn’t want to let Vicki’s kids mess that up.  We will see about that, since being on National TV is not going to help keep those skeletons in that closet of his, is only going to bring them out dancing.

Check out this video spoof from TVGasms.

Not only was Vicki Gunvalson blind-sided with her daughter Briana Wolfsmith’s sudden eloping escapade, it appears that a few days before Briana’s big splash do-over-wedding she announced she is now preggers with her first child and Vicki  who is not ready for this will now be a grandmother,  just like Vicki asked ‘only one trauma  per year.’ Last year was the elopement this year the pregnancy!

Briana was pretty pissed about not knowing anything about Vicki’s new con-man and felt her situation with Ryan is totally different than the faux-relationshit her mother and Brooks Crooks are having. According to the story posted on another site, Briana has known her boyfriend Ryan for like two years! For seven months he wrote to her from Afghanistan and they both kept avoiding commitment like it was ‘the plague’ but in a moment of crazy they both decided to drive to Vegas at 5:30pm to get hitched even though Ryan had to report to work at 6am the next day! Click here to read the whole thing.

Fortunately Vicki has now accepted that she can’t control her daughter’s life and decisisons Briana’s marriage and her new son-in-law Ryan.

And wasn’t that an AWKWARD moment when Briana and Ryan met Brooks Crooks? Brooks is such a Crook, you can totally see through this scammer that he is made out of glass because only a scam leach would tell people he loves them when he just met them, and when Briana called out his phony ass on their relationship being different he almost shattered, you could totally tell he was about to lose his cool. Crooks  reminds me of those phony people that act all nice and sweet and tell you everything you want to hear, and when they finally get what they want from you they end up  showing their true colors and become mean as a snake, rob you blind and say and do the most vile things. I’m just saying that’s the vibes this fool gives me, but only time will tell.

Congrats Briana Wolfsmith Culberson on your recent nuptials and new family!

On last night’s episode AlexAss invites Gretchen over to watch her Fox 5 news segment.  The same one where this ho’ supposedly interviewed some people that she couldn’t even pronounce their names, about how children get sexualized real early nowadays while her porn size tits where hanging out in these people’s faces and she completely bulldozed over the segment making it all about her fucked up opinions that nobody gives a shit about by talking real loud a mile a minute and didn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise.

AlexAss thinking she is the hot news caster she believes in her pea brain she is, asks Gretchen what she thinks of her segment, and that bitch just starts busting up laughing at this trick and tells her she needs a coach and that Fox 5 news, first asked Gretchen to do the segment and has been harassing Gretchen ever since.  Even while AlexAss was over there doing the hosting they were calling Gretchen on the phone begging her to replace AlexAss who is terrible and is only embarrassing herself stuttering her words with her chichis hanging out. AlexAss is about to bust a nut on her new nose and gets all butt hurt at Gretchen clowning on her and telling her how she was Fox 5′s second choice.

Baby Joker Face has to remind us that she is an ‘actress’ and will be auditioning for some bullshit they’re filming in Canada or some shit. Her husband Dr. Pervy  Dubrow starts asking her how this will affect her housewife/mom life and before Baby Joker Face tears his eyes out he backs off and says he is supportive and will get her nannies and servants to follow her to Canada if she chooses to go forward with this acting project, realistic and fair. I like that, and I like that Baby Joker Face doesn’t put up with crap even if he is the one bringing in the cheese she still holds his nuts in her designer purse. I like that!

Now get ready for the complete opposite at the Bellino rented faux-mansion. Where a teary AlexAss tries to buy her way with Jimbo by bringing him fresh lemonade but, that shit doesn’t work with him when she asks Jimbo if she can get a life coach to help with her sucky news casting ( I guess she knows she sucks and took Gretchie’s advice) and Jimbo just shuts her down and tells that bitch NO! Jimbo wants AlexAss to stay at home barefoot and pregnant and doesn’t want to hear any lip back from her. AlexAss wants a career because she is tired of getting evicted and having her cars repoed by Apollo Nida. But, Jimbo shuts her down and tells her to get back to the kitchen and make him a sandwich. I think this ho’ needs to take lessons from the Baby Joker Face’s,  Modern Spoiled Housewife School of How to Make your Husband Bring Home the bacon and Boss him Around Too.

Now it’s Gretchie’s turn to get laughed at when she arrives at the Pussycat Doll Theater for rehersal, and some gay guy and his gang of professional dancing bitches are laughing at Gretchen’s pathetic attempt at singing. Gretchen insists and keeps complaining that the reason her voice is shitty is because of the yelling match with Vicki four weeks ago. Fab Gay Guy isn’t having it, and straight up tell this delusional ho’ she sucks ass because she doesn’t sound like a Pussycat Doll but more like a dying mangy one-eyed cat and wonders what the fuck she is doing at the Pussycat Doll Theater and why she bothered showing up embarrassing herself and shit. LOVED IT!

The other ho’s pile up in a limo and all of them clown on AlexAssHole’s pretentious ass and her bullshit stories about how she owns a fleet of cars and they keep getting repoed every 21 days or some shit. Meanwhile,  AlexAss’s ears are ringing while she is having some makeup artist cover up the black eyes she is sporting and makes her look like this here:

I don’t really see the difference from her usual clown face.

Next week Gretchen flops big time while all the other House Skanks witness it and point and laugh!

On last night’s extra episode of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta we were taken deeper into the world of Sheree and Bob Whitfield’s child support drama.  This drama has been going on for quite a while now and Sheree swears up and down that Bob never gave her a dime to support their two children. Although Bob may not pay Sheree any child support Sheree did receive some funds  from Bob, just not in the way of child support checks Sheree was expecting. According to the post below, Sheree has received way more than what a lot of women who really can’t get ANY money from their exe’s get. For example a lump sum of $775k plus $113,422 yearly in retirement funds. That sounds like enough money to live comfortable without having to work for a while.

 Sheree’s child support saga goes back a few years, check out this old post I dug about the money she got from Bob:

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Sheree Whitfield, a cast member on Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is appealing a settlement that included a lump sum of $775,000, as well as an annual $113,422 in her ex’s retirement funds and $2,142.87 in monthly child support. However, her divorce lawyers now say that her limited education and inability to earn income are a severe disadvantage compared to her wealthy ex-husband, who had a six-year, $30 million contract with the Atlanta Falcons. (Sheree Whitfield only has a high-school diploma, and her attempt to start a clothing boutique failed.)

The settlement did not include any spousal support, and the Georgia Supreme Court evicted Sheree Whitfield and the couple’s children from their $2.6 million homein Sandy Springs, GA, just north of Atlanta. EURweb.com reports her claim that she cannot afford to buy a new house in the neighborhood where the children have grown up.

Bob Whitfield’s divorce attorneys want the courtto fine his ex-wife $2,500 for initiating a frivolous appeal, according to EURweb.com.

“We are in the final stages of the divorce and the settlement,” the Real Housewives star recently told People. “I feel like I am single already because we have been separated for at least three or four years. I am just ready to do my thing and focus on me, my kids, my family, and friends.”

The Whitfields divorced in 2007 after seven years of marriage. Their two children were 11 and eight at the time.

Sheree Whitfield has appeared on The Real Housewives of Atlanta since the series began in autumn 2008. She is also trying to start a new clothing line called She By Sheree. Bob Whitfield, 37, played for the Falcons from 1992 to 2003 and announced his retirement from professional football in February 2007. He is now a guest NFL analyst for Sky Sports in the U.K.

A few seasons back I did a post on Sheree’s house evictions woes.   Also remember during this last episode, when Sheree was served by Bob he sued her for taking items out of his house that didn’t belong to Sheree. I wonder if he was referring to this house here:

A while back when Sheree first appeared on RHOA she was living in this lavish manor. Sheree claims her ex-husband Bob Whitfield stopped making the payments and Sheree and her children were assed-out on the streets.

Then, this woman named Sheila Rashad came to Sheree’s rescue, claiming she can help Sheree stay in the house longer.

After Bob refused to maintain and pay for Sheree and his two children’s home, Sheree was suddenly evicted. Sheree met Sheila Rashad through Bob’s mom back in 2008. RED FLAG!

On the last week of Dec 2008 Sheree got a notice to vacate by Feb 3rd. This occurred after her and Bob went to court.  Sheila told Sheree she could help her stay in the home for up to 6 months as long as she maintained the property. This Sheila chick conned Sheree into allowing her to supposedly communicate with the mortgage company in order to buy Sheree more time to stay in the home , but in the end Sheree and the children were forced to leave in a rush and Sheila went through the house and looted it of all the furniture and even bathroom fixtures!

This is what she told Freddy O’:

I met Sheila Rashad through Bobs mom. (seem like at set too me) and we began to occasionally communicate regarding business around Oct 2008. I then received foreclosure notice (last wk in Dec) saying that my house would begin foreclosure on the date of Feb 3rd. All this happened the week after Bob and I went into mediation in which he tried to renegotiate my settlement from the judge and offer me cash from the sell of the house that he knew he was losing because of nonpayment of the mortgage.

Sheila Rashad offered to help saying this is what she does for some of her clients and could help facilitate things and allow us to remain in the house for at least six months as long as I continued to maintain the property, paid a set amount and make the property available for agents to show. Sheila had me sign a fictitious form stating that I give her rights to communicate with the mortgage company. She continuously lied and said she had been communicating with the mortgage company and she had everything under control.

She called and said that the bank decided against my favor. And my kids and I needed to vacate the premises on March 6th instead of March 7th with all of my things in less than six days. It was impossible to clear out a 10,000 sq foot house in this amount of time. I moved what I could and left on March 5th. On March 6th I sent people to meet Sheila with the keys to the house, because she said that she was meeting the realtor and the sheriff. She instructed my people not to remove anything else from the house. My people then left

 The next day I happened to ride by the property and seen a Penskemoving truck in the driveway. I then got nervous and called a few friends who immediately ordered that I pull into the driveway to see hat was going on. Upon pulling up behind the truck I noticed kids playing withtoys I had left behind. I then seen the Mexican workers loading the truck, along with Sheila Rashad and her husband. I approached her and she began to say that I was trespassing and the sheriff was on the way and I needed to leave the premises. I left and called my friends and within fifteen mins we were back at the house. Sheila put the lock back on the gate but apparently she was very nervous because she left all the doors open including the garages.

We went into the house and seen that she had stolen dishwashers, the oven, built in microwaves, warmer, cabinets, bathroom sinks, my built in closets, furniture, fixtures, electronics, workout equipment, and clothes. ALMOST EVERYTHING. The four of us are there in disbelief. We took a few pictures and I got on the line and called the police. Sheila and her husband came back withthe carpenter (See Pics) and she continued to stick with her story that the people were behind them and we needed to leave. She knew that I wasn’t hearing it so she left.

The police came and I filed a police report. The witnesses were there and gave there statements as well. The officer had me call her on my phone. He told her she should return to give her statement because I was accusing her of theft. She refused. “I like to believe in the best of people. I don’t want to believe that people can look you and your kids in the eye and smile and yet be so devious, conniving, and greedy to the point where they would do anything for a dollar. I am blessed to have God on my side who gives me my strength to carry on.”

Here are some before and after the looting pictures:

Before the looting.

After the looting.

I wonder if this Sheila Rashad was another set up by clever Bob to get all his furniture and things back from Sheree.

And recently Bob Whitfield spoke to StraighFromTheA  about Phaedra’s comment on him “looking a mess” with his wrinkled-ass shirt. Click here to listen to Bob’s ramblings his ass sounds drunk. Although, he needs to pay his child support he was funny as hell on his little phone interview. Bob says he ain’t paying “purse support” or some shit and he gets caught up in a tangent talking about the nightmares of having to iron his 300 dollar shirt.

This episode was about wieners.

To make up for her husband’s thug behavior during the Baby Shower that almost went to shit if not for the police, Phaedra comes to visit the Kimster while bearing gifts for the baby. Kims forgives Phaedra’s husband’s behavior, but she can’t help to slam Bitter Peter. Kim says that next time she is leaving the ex-cons and assholes out of the guest list. Sooooo is this mean she is telling Phaedra NOT to bring her ex-con husband next time?  Then the bitches start talking some boring shit about being pregnant and something about labor and Kim can’t wait to hit the hooch when that baby farts out. Phaedra says that labor made her “as crazy as a vampire in sunlight!” Told ya’ she was into that death goth shit.

Cynthia brings her sister Malorie to visit Bitter Peter at Bar One so that she can get into a shouting match with Peter. And a shouting match is exactly what happened.  Cynthia walks away and leaves Peter and Malorie to their own devices and they end up getting in each others face over Malorie and her mom keeping Cynthia’s marriage certificate so that the wedding don’t happen. Malorie hates Bitter Peter for good reason, but Bitter Peter unfortunately has a point about family members not butting into other family members marriage choices, but her sister also has a point about worrying that Cynthia married an asshole. So they both have a point.

Kandi is depressed that her ass is turning 35 and is at the party venue with Sheree and Phaedra who are assisting her in the process of her party planning. Phaedra can’t wait to unleash her BIG  surprise on the party goers.

Later on Kandi shops with NeNe and her pocket gay Derek J who happens to be an expert at walking in hooker stilletos . I gotta admit I am jealous of these bitches that can walk in hooker heels, my ass is damn near thirty blah, blah years old and still can’t walk in that shit and to see a drag queen be able to walk in those skank stompers pisses me off. I know, I know I will just cry into my flip flops.

The Kim situation gets brought up and Kandi says she hasn’t been hanging around that pregnant heifer lately since they don’t talk much these days. NeNe says she is not surprised at that outcome since Kim is a user and only wanted a hit song not a friend. Kandi says despite all the bullshit Kim pulls she is still happy for that skanky bitch (like we all are) because Kim finally stopped fucking on that old greasy Big Pooper Scooper and got her self a “young tender”  Uh-hum! NeNe gets jealous and says “that ain’t shit!” Young tender sounds like some sort of lunch special they sell at KFC for 2.99 with a med coke and some fries. I bet NeNe could go for one of those after all her shopping and changing clothes in the store and all that shit she does.

Kandi tells NeNe her ass best behave because She-Man-Sheree and Phaedra will also be attending. NeNe doesn’t like that shit, and says that She-Man doesn’t deserve the friendship of the grand Miss NeNe Leakes who is also “very rich” like a happy bitch.

Kim and her baby daddy Kroy are learning all about circumcision and have some lady expert come and teach them how to care for Kroy Jr and his little winky. Kim has said in the past that she was a nurse for babies in delivery rooms. I guess the bitch was lying since dressing like a nurse in the VIP room at the raunchy strip club is very different from being a nurse at the delivery room of the hospital.

Kim also lies to the nurse when she tells her that she doesn’t know what to do with a penis. REALLY??? I know the bitch is lying SHE KNOWS what to do with a penis. How else do ya’ all think she got rich dudes like Big Pooper and now Kroy supporting her ass it wasn’t because she is gorgeous or because she wears road kill wigs that have a mind of their own it’s because she knows what to do with a penis.

NeNe is visiting with Cynthia and Bitter Peter so that they can open up a bottle of champagne to celebrate their new club opening and talk shit. NeNe doesn’t like it when they pop the bottle so she hides in the corner with her hands in her ear like a fucknut. I can’t believe this crazy huge amazon bitch has the same bullshit fear I have of popping champagne corks. I act like a fucknut like that too. I hate that shit.

Peter is on the phone with some investor (he probably met behind the alley at the liquor store) and he is confrontational about a 40 thousand dollar check this fool wrote him that bounced to the moon. Maybe he should of told Cynthia to hold off opening that champagne. Well, looks like he is gonna have to ask Cynthia for the dough again. Although Bitter Peter,  is on the phone bitching this guy out he has to drop the call for more important things like opening up a bottle of champagne when its too early to do so. So Uncle Ben Bitter Peter hangs up on his so called investor and runs to the patio to guzzle champagne with NeNe and Cynthia. NeNe reveals her and Gregg are in good terms, as a matter of fact so good that they are banging again. How sweet, there is hope these two crazy kids may get back together.

Sheree and Phaedra and their “donkey booties” show up to Sheree’s empty lot which has been sitting there empty for months with no progress. Phaedra intimidates the contractor by putting her donkey ass in his face and blowing a smoke fart up his ass with a bubble blower and no prayer cloth, this way he knows she means business. I didn’t know you can be a religious lady of church like Miss Phaedra Parks and stick your donkey culo in some dudes face like that. Wow I guess they must be more liberal in churches these days the world has certainly improved.

Cynthia puts on her busted Phyllis Diller make up on, and is trying to get her modeling agency set up  with some Kmart furniture she picked up on sale. Her sister Malorie and her husband come over to argue with her some more about Bitter Peter help her. 

Malorie seems to be losing a lot of sleep over Bitter Peter and his schemes to suck money out of Cynthia’s wallet in order to set up failed businesses and so she brings that shit up . Cynthia gets all cheesed up and starts barking at her sister yelling about how her sisters marriage is fucked up too. Malorie’s poor husband is standing in the middle of the two women who are about to scratch each other’s eyes out and he has this “WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!!” Look on his face.  After the blowup Cynthia can not even complete the project she started and thanks her sister and husband for nothing then, sends them home.

It’s the day of Kandi’s party, in attendance are Bitter Peter, Cynthia, Sheree, NeNe and Phaedra who left her husband at home so that he wouldn’t get all thug on Papa Smurf. Although  Phaedra left thuggy at home, she made sure she brought her prayer cloth, gun, jumbo size condoms, and a fucking tazer in case she has to ass probe NeNe, should that bitch get out of hand.

A huge box gets rolled in to the venue and Kandi sits down all excited and ask her moma to sit next to her. Little did they know the horrible thing that was about to jump out of that box. El RiDick-Culo blast opens the gift box and jumps out with his wiener in his hand to entertain the horrified guest.  Suddenly, the party turns into a fucking nightmare people’s eyes start bleeding as they are screaming in horror trying to scramble to get away from RiDick-Culo’s monster, hideous penis from hell. That thing looks dangerous. El Infamous RiDick-Culo then clears a path with his loaded fire hose and people are screaming and jumping out the way. He then dances for Kandi and sticks his dick in her drink. Kandi was horrified, but didn’t want to make a fuzz so she just pretends she is enjoying this hideous display of fugly.

El Infamous RiDick-Culo wasn’t even a stripper. That’s the story Phaedra wants us to believe. The Infamous RiDick-Culo was some street wino with a pissing problem, who got arrested one too many times, and Freakdra was appointed to defend him in court for shaking his wiener at random women on the streets and sucking on his own firehose. Then Freakdra who is the biggest perv in Atlanta noticed his unusual donkey dick and decided to hook him up with stripper gigs for her private viewing, as well as for other freaks in the Atlanta sex dungeons since his homeless ass couldn’t pay Phaedra the Freak the money for representing him in court for being a pervert and a weirdo. Phaedra is a pervert genius of smut. Too bad she didn’t use her genius powers to prevent thousands of people from seeing this scary ugly disgusting motherfucker run around with his wiener flapping around in the air. BECAUSE NO ONE NEEDED TO SEE THAT SHIT!! THAT WAS HORRIBLE!!! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THAT!! WHY WHY???!!! MY EYES, MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!! His ass was ugly too.

Stupid Kandi sitting there acting like she is enjoying it. Did you see the bitch throw the dollar bills at him with a look of disgust in her face like she was about to throw up? Like I previously said she just went along with it to not piss off Phaedra and be polite.  NeNe said fuck this shit and took her eyes out of her sockets put them in her purse and drove home blind. Cynthia and Bitter Peter followed her blind ass to the car. I would of done the same thang. This was one of those times when everyone agrees with the NeNe. Kandi’s mother wasn’t too amused and she starts yelling “THAT WAS FUCKED UP!” I agree Kandi’s mother, I agree, that WAS some pretty fucked up shit right there and NO ONE needed to see that mess. I smell class action lawsuit coming towards El Infamous RiDick-Culo on behalf of all the people present at that party and the folks watching on TV. Phaedra is going to be busy.

The episode opens with Kyle and Kim. Kyle is meeting Kim’s mystery man (that she found on craigslist hookups) for the first time and is sobbing because she knows he is a weirdo. I mean just LOOK AT HIM! So Kyle cries and blah, blah, blah. She knows Kim fucked up.

OK moving right along. Chankla Face had some event thing for her faux-charity. Chankla doesn’t like Miss Princess Lisa VanderDump because Miss VanderDump is made of real Gold turds and her ass can tell a faker from eight yards away. Chankla doesn’t like it when someone tells her like it is so, she makes an effort to avoid Lisa as much as possible and because she also wanted to throw a passive aggressive dig she totally didn’t invite Lisa to the event and of course  to piss her off.

Chankla’s evil plan to piss the Lisa off worked because she purposely didn’t tell some of the other bitches that she wasn’t inviting Lisa (see so this way they would spill it to Lisa in conversation later on) and luckily, for Chankla Face this happened sooner than she thought because while Kyle was wondering the hallways of an abandoned crackhouse looking for Chankla’s event she accidentally tells Lisa on a phone coversation, that Chankla Face didn’t invite her.  When Kyle told Chankla Face of her accidental spill Chankla was loving that shit.

The next day, Lisa invites all the skanks including Chankla Face to her multimillion dollar princess castle so, that Chankla can feel stupid for not inviting Lisa to her faux charity thingy. But before Chankla Face shows up, at the VanderDumpster multimillion dollar dump, Lisa reveals an email she received from the late Russell who was planning on making a couple of bucks out of the deal and sue the VanderDumpsters for talking to the gossip mags about Chankla Face’s deteriorating, pill-popping, crack-head frame.

Chankla Face and her lips show up to Lisa’s mansion. And because Chankla is a raging attention-whore with amazing  water faucet talents, she decides she wants to start confronting Lisa and cry and scream with her gigantor lips like she wants to swallow Lisa alive, then maybe Lisa would shut up and quit telling that bitch to eat; but who wouldn’t tell that scary bitch to eat something? She looks like she hasn’t eaten since 1975!

So, Chankla Face starts crying more and getting louder about how Lisa doesn’t like her because Chankla is a broke ass and Lisa was sitting there almost smirking because she KNOWS that Chankla Face is a grifter and not real Beverly Hillbilly Royalty. (I mean, if the bitch would of at least won the lottery, maybe Lisa would of liked her better, but nah!)

Chankla Face is on a “mission” to ruin Lisa’s afternoon tea that she even tries to get the other bitches to join her in telling Princess Lisa how it is. When Chankla Face tries to get the other bitches to thrash on Lisa, the other ho’s are sitting there mumbling and twiddling their thumbs, but specially dipshit Kyle when Chankla Face goes off on Lisa having a HUGE EGO (like Chankla doesn’t right?) and she drags Kyle into it.

Chankla Face kept crying and screaming at the top of her lungs, about how she kissed Lisa’s ass to be part of the rich bitch club, but since Chankla Face’s middle name is Traylor Parker she will never be good enough for Lisa and Lisa feels deep down inside that Chankla needs to go back to her double wide in Oklahoma where she is comfortable. Even though Lisa thinks Chankla is a loser and all of that shit she still apologized to her for being an asshole, but all of that is not enough for Chankla who is on a meltdown. AGAIN!

Then, Lisa reminds Chankla Face that she invited her and little Kennedy to go live with her, but Chankla says that Lisa did it to be a bitch. YEP, that’s exactly what that bitch was planning to do she was going to have Chankla take Maria the maids spot and her and Maria were going to laugh at Chankla while she tried to figure out how to clean the toilets. Chankla was on to her.

Chankla Face storms out. When she storms out she runs into someone. At first I thought it was the cameramen or some shit because you hear her say “I stormed out!” but upon closer inspection I saw it was none other than Dr. Paul Frankenstein and the water faucet was turn to off, and her mood turned to on. YEP! I suspect that! Because watch how comfortable and happy she is to see him!

Meanwhile, the other hens are in the hen-house cackling back and forth about how Chankla Face is an asshole that cries one minute about how she is leaving Russell for good and the next minute she is jumping on an airplane with him. Kyle is even fed up with Chankla Face and brings up how that bitch probably makes up all the wild stories about Russell. Notice how Lisa asks Kyle BITCH ISN’T SHE YOUR FRIEND? And Kyle is all licking Lisa’s ass and taking sides with Lisa and the majority because she doesn’t want to piss her rich friend off.

Chankla Face comes back in to fight some more and this is where shit got good. After Chankla sat there, whining about how she wants everyone to be honest, and bring everything out to the table Camille asks her if she really wants ALL OF  her true business out there and warns her to be careful with saying shit like that. All of the sudden Camille can’t take it anymore and straight up yells at Chankla “WE BEEN PROTECTING YOU! BECAUSE WE DON’T SAY THAT HE HITS YOU! BECAUSE WE DON’T SAY HE BROKE YOUR JAW! OR THAT HE BEAT YOU UP! AND THAT HE, HE HITS YOU! WE DON’T SAY THAT  BUT NOW WE SAID IT!” SNAAAP!!! Chankla wanted honesty and Camille brought up the 900 pound gorilla in the room. And all of the sudden I love Camille Grammer!

The episode continues with the ending of the Teresa and Kathy fight in Punta Cana. Barney Devito grabs a net and puts it around his wife’s neck to haul her away because he knows damn well she is a “hot-headed” asshole and likes to start all kinds of shit over nothing. After that, Barney Devito  has a talk with Ritchie while they both primp themselves in the bathroom and Barney Devito  being the enlightened man that he is, tells Ritchie that he is not defending Teresa because women are “are fucking retarded” anyway. Yeah, just wait until ALL his daughters are grown and still living in the house with him and Tree and he says that comment while ALL of them are on their periods at the same time (including Teresa unless she is on menopause) I can just see Milania when she gets promoted from brat to bitch, SHUT YOUR TRAP YOU OLD TROLL GIVE ME PIZZA  I’M ON MY PERIOD!!

Jacqueline and Chris decide to walk off to talk shit about what a wackadoo Teresa is. Chris gets tired and decides to suddenly jump on Jacqueline’s back for a piggy back ride back to the hotel while kicking her on the sides and grabbing her boobs yelling “YAH!! YAH!!”

While this is going on the Rat Pack, Albie, Christopher and Gregg decide they are going to spy on Barney Devito and Teresa doing it while they are both in the bathroom. EEEWWWW!!!  Instead, they end up outside the bathroom window where Teresa is now changing into a mood changing “Wonder Woman, crazy bitch” I’M IGNORING KATHY outfit created by NASA. While the Three Stooges are trying to fish out gossip (for the gossip magazines later,) Barney Devito walks in on them and instead of busting them he thinks they are spying on Tree ”pooping” and he doesn’t care. As a matter of fact he opens the window for them so they can get a whiff too!

That night they all go out to get drunk and into a fist-punching, kick stomping bar brawl, surprisingly with other people NOT with each other. Except Bravo never airs the bar brawl only the earlier part of the evening when the Giudice/Gorga’s were a lovey-dovey-family. Teresa and her brother hug and kiss, Barney Devito and Melissa hug and kiss. Barney and Psycho Midget Joey hug and kiss then, they play swords with each other, to see who is the shortest troll with the smallest itty bitty penis and it’s a tie. It’s all one big dysfunctional happy family-orgy full of hugs kisses and farts. To be honest with you I would rather see this interaction than when they’re drunken bitch slapping each other and of course we all know this didn’t last.

The next day Melissa and Psycho Joe Gorga release some “poison” in the bathroom and the Manzo boys, but specially Man-Servant-Sexy-Gregg feel lucky to walk in on it since Psycho Midget Joey had his little ”Tarzan” “On Display.”

The girls including Miss Gregg all decide to follow Teresa’s lead and go to the market in Punta Cana. They all get dressed up and decked out in their tackiest high heels from head to toe. These bitches think they are all going to the upscale Gucci and  Louis Vuitton stores  they are all accustomed to. So, when they show up cameras in-tow in all their pampered Princess tacky glory at the open air market the locals where confused  and excited. They didn’t know if these bitches where upscale hookers from the USA taking over their little dirty humble, parasite, farm animal carcass infested open air third world market. But they were close. VERY CLOSE! I bet this was the most exciting thing that happened in their little village since that one time that Pedro farted nasty at the public sinks at the plaza. They are going to be talking about this for years to come.

Those bitches walking around on those run down streets as if they where freaking out in a bloody massacre horror film in their five hundred dollar “Gucci’s” on drippy blood were NOT the only things that were  ”on display” at that open air market. The carcasses of dead cows and chicken heads were, but it appears their fake titties where upstaging the other things at that meat market. Did y’all see those scary looking locals drooling on those ho’s? Then, Teresa decides to grab a dead chicken and goes on chasing the other bitches with it. Teresa also decides to fan her cooch and ask the confused spice vendor if he ever read her book since she is a famous author and TV Star extraordinaire and even if this humble village doesn’t have any Internet access (except for the local drug lord) Teresa feels that is NO excuse for this quiet humble vendor who doesn’t even understand what the fuck she is saying, to NOT know who she is.

Teresa says the reason she is out in the local market is because she is doing research on writing her third cook book where she will be doing a “fusion” of Italian and Italian food. Except this time instead of using tomatoes, cheese, dough, meat and spices for the base “ingrediencess” she will be using dough, tomatoes, meat and cheese instead. So it’s totally different see.

While the Puta Princesses are out flapping their goods “On Display” for the local village the men go golfing. And when I say golfing they went and treated the golf course like the batting cages. The Godfather is the only one that knows how to golf (since he has to make all those crooked deals with city officials an’ all) and he is appalled and embarrassed he took these ass-mooning, drunken, savage, clowns with him.

That night Barney Devito was surprisingly going horn-dog on Teresa. Maybe it turns him on when she freaks out and goes “crazy bitch” on the other ho’s.

The Manzo boys decide that everything has been too peaceful between the ho’s and want to see a cat-fight so for the final dinner at Punta Cana they decide to have a contest to see who the Puta Cana Princess is. Immediately Teresa starts taking this nonsense serious like her life depends on it and gets this worried look in her face because she is afraid to lose this life or death contest.

They each win some lame ass category. Melissa gets asked who the VP of the United States and the bitch didn’t know his name!

IS THIS DUDE!

Then someone showed her this picture and she suddenly remembered it was Biden. When Melissa gets one more question about world geography she gets another point for naming Antarctica as the continent where Egypt resides because apparently none of these dip-shits know Egypt is in Africa none of them know, not even ex-college drop out Albie, oh wait maybe that’s why he got flunked out of school.

On the very last day of their trip Teresa’s lost bag of faux-jewerlies arrives after it went on its own traveling adventure from Florida to Las Vegas to Hawaii and then back to the Dominican Republic. When Teresa gets her bags she jumps up and down from joy and Greg rolls up his eyes.

Everyone goes back to the United States, after almost half of them got detained for the bar brawl and that was Albie, Barney Devito and Greg.

Melissa is now back in New Jersey and is nervous about her big performance at the Black Water thingy. When she walks in to meet with her professional back up dancers you can tell she is nervous and since she “doesn’t know how to dance worth shit” like Ritchie said in an earlier episode she can’t keep up with the dance steps. This is the reason the strip club place had to make her a bartender instead. Psycho Midget Joe also was trying to rent some live tigers to distract people in case Melissa’s performances flops because what better way to be distracted than to be worried there are two live tigers that can go on a feeding bloody frenzy at any minute in a room packed with about 600 people and one exit.

Then, when she does her singing rehearsal she sounds like a banshee having sex with a werewolf so they auto-tune her real nice and somehow a scientist comes up with a formula that makes her shoes give her rhythm to follow the dance steps. Awesomely she pulls the performance off and turns on all the mens even Barney Devito who congratulates her by giving her a long dry humping hug. Everyone loves each other even Teresa and Kathy get along, Teresa goes as far as apologizing to Kathy for being a crazy asshole. They are all one big happy dysfunctional issue-infested family! For now.

The continuation part 2 of this wreckage.

So the Ass-Holey intervention continues bio dad who wants to sound good for the camera is trying to talk to Ass-Holey about getting her shit together and wonders why she is so angry at Jacqueline. Ass-Holey responds by ignoring him and texting someone on her cell phone. Meanwhile Jacqueline gives her award winning performance in the basement of that restaurant and cries her little ‘poor me’ song and dance and Ass-Holey has gone into full Asshole mode and is snapping back at bio-dad  who forces her to apologize to her mom. Jacqueline doesn’t want to hear her apologies and tells her to fuck off. Ass-Holey insist her mom is an immature brat and I can see that this is where Ass-Holey learned this behavior. Bio dad and hot step mom went back to Texas laughing and calling Jacqueline and Chris SUCKERS!!

Kathy Wikipedia and her daughter are getting ready for Kathy’s Goddess party. She even invited that Zen chick that used to shoot the shit with Dina back in the day and now she has come over to pass the Cheech and Chong blunt to get rid of evil spirits. Richie says that, “Richie Wakile doesn’t believe in black magic,” but he is letting Kathy bring the Zen hippie chick over because she has the best Lebanese hash-blunts in NJ. So Zen chick pulls out the Viking horns from her giant purse and lights up that big blunt and starts chanting some gibberish chant while everyone is passing that blunt around even the teenagers. The family that gets high together stays together and it only cost them what? What did Zen Chick charge them? Like five thousand dollars?

Next Ashley gets fired from her job as an ‘artist’ and decides to whine about how her life sucks. Lauren just rolls her eyes up at Ashley who better hurry up and pack up her shit for California since everyone in New Joysey is about to tar, feather and chase her out of town.

Teresa and Barney Devito meet with their lawyer to see if they can get out of the whole signature forging thing, but only Teresa gets away with it. The lesson that this folks learned from all this mess is ‘You have to lie!’. Teresa is teaching this to her kids now.

Next the Goddess party. Kathy is gracious enough to give the other skanks gifts and tells each one of them how special they are when it comes time to compliment Teresa on her ability to be totally oblivious that her marble mansion is crumbling down that bitch gets pissed because she thinks Kathy is making a dig at her when she told her she puts on a happy clown face even thought everything is fucking up and Barney Devito is facing jail time that even his butt-hole is  tightening up from fear.

Kathy announces that her punk ass is opening up a restaurant and the reason she is having this Goddess Party is to prostitute her new restaurant venture. After Kathy says this shit Teresa jumps in and says “we’re opening a restaurant too!” .  Well Teresa was not exactly lying, but she didn’t use the correct words, what she meant was ‘Barney Devito is working at the pizza parlor for minimum wage and tips’ see to Teresa that’s the same shit as opening up a restaurant because that’s what Barney Devito told her. Then, for some reason Teresa started showing her teeth and barking at Melissa and in a desperate attempt to change the mood Kathy calls in the reinforcements and a belly dancer shows up (so the bitches will stop fighting).

Melissa ends up  getting turned on because as y’all know she is a closet carpet gangster. Teresa is disgusted.

So to wrap it up we get to visit with Jacqueline and her Ass-Holey drama. AGAIN! And although Jacqueline did all that crying and whining and bitching about Ass-Holey being an ungrateful disrespectful asshole who ruined her life and has another fight on camera with Ass-Holey in front of her young sons about babysitting and dad Chris kicks her ass out and tells her to go live in a van down by the river she leaves alright, but thanks to a mysterious parent that helps her in the moving out process because I’m not buying the bullshit that’s coming up next since I KNOW she must of gotten some financial help to NOT end up homeless.

Jacqueline and Ashley fight some more and Ashley gets kicked out of her mother’s house on a cold winter night. Finally. This is the van down by the river she now lives at:

My guess is that bio-dad and dad Chris both pitched in to get Ass-Holey far away from everyone.

Here’s the kitchen where she will be serving the margaritas and blazing the knife hits:

Here is the pool where Ashely will have her drinking buddies over and one of them is sure to puke in the pool forcing Ashley to pay a citation to the HOA. That’s my crystal ball prediction.

I bet it was easier to pay for Ashley’s condo than it was to deal with her shit in New Jersey.

She is LA’s problem now! OH SHIT THAT’S HERE!! OH NOOO!!!

Earlier we found out that Ass-Holey was fired from her graphic artist gig and she gets in every one’s nerves yada, yada, yada. But that’s okay thought Ass-Holey has back ups maybe bio-dad can pull an arson skeam or two so that he can get his little mouthy Ass-Holey an apartment in Cali and Ashley can tell everyone she bought it.Then she gets more rewarded for bad behaviour and  starts an internship with Buzznet , she also plans to start a website selling chia pets, jack-off machines or some bull shit, oh yeah and write a book about how to make your parents buy you cars and apartments while you whine that everyone hates you.

If she keeps complaining about her parents and everyone hating her and how hard it is to be her, then she really needs to be let outside the private gates of that apartment building into the jungle of LA to see what is like. That girl is lucky I doubt that she would ever have to resort to being a porn ho’ so she better be grateful and kiss the ground her four pushover parents walk on everyday and leave them alone so they can  all have their adult orgy.

By the way thanks to my readers who send me the link on the Ashley gossip and pictures sorry for not posting earlier.

Teresa says she’s going to leave the past behind her fat ass and forget about that whole bankruptcy ordeal and get back to having “good food, good sex, and family and friends,” in other words blowing money from the hard work she puts in pimping out her cookbooks and prostituting shit interviews to gossip magazines, but NOT paying her debtors with that money.

Now we know the story behind the cover of Teresa’s cook book. That cover where Gia was gazing lovingly at her mother was shot in the middle of a small war where Gia won the evil eye war she had with Gabriela.

Kathy and Richie, but specially Richie are in denial that their daughter is growing up and Richie flips out when Kathy tells him that it’s about time to have the “talk” about the birds and the bees with sixteen year old Victoria. Richie says something fucking disturbing that I wish he didn’t say about Victoria not having sex because she will imagine her dad’s face on any boy she is making out with. EEEWWWWW!!!! WHY WHY DID HE SAY THAT!!!

Well, let me tell you something Mr. and Mrs. Wikipedia it is about six years too late and 325 thousand dollars short to have the talk with young Miss Victoria, but luckily for you her uncle the Internet already taught her aaaallll about the birds and the bees and the Playboy Bunnies and then some. That’s why Miss Victoria already knows what sexy gown that’s five years too mature for her to wear so she can rock her curves to the boys with “bad intentions,” to pick. Which by the way mom, Victoria was already aware of their “bad intentions” and she doesn’t feel that’s a bad thing, just in case you didn’t know. But don’t worry she will be back by curfew intact and in time to study and tell you what y’all want to hear. I think Victoria could teach Ashley some lessons on how to get away with everything by following the rules or at least pretending to.

And speaking of dumb asses that need lessons in the art of getting away with fun shit we get to see Ashley who happens to be visiting Christopher at his new supposed job at some bar. Along with Ashley is Jacqueline, and her step dad Chris Sr. Ashley tries to get Christopher fired by begging for free drinks. Do these dumb asses forget there’s cameras following? Christopher tells Ashley to fuck off. And right before Ashley throws a Milania fit her bio dad and step-mom show up. SURPRISE!!

Melissa whines to her evil sisters about Teresa clowning on her for being a wannabe singer,in her mid-thirties, who is using this shit-show as a catapult to famewhoredom. Melissa says that she was the better person because she didn’t punch Teresa in the face. But that had nothing to do with her being afraid that Tree may go planet of the apeshit crazy on her skinny little ass and Psyho Joe wasn’t there to monkey punch Tree into place.

Melissa’s sisters tell Melissa that while driving on the freeway they drove over a magical  ”median” of some sort, who told them he had a message from Melissa’s father from the beyond about how Melissa will become BIG BIG!! And famous for being a famewhore on a shit TV show where she fights with her sister-in-law and brags about how much bling she has.

Caroline is emptying out her closet because she doesn’t fit in her clothes anymore Lauren tells her mom how she tried every diet under the sun except for the smocking crack diet, but that’s next.

Ashley sits around playing on her phone while her mom Jacqueline rushes around making dinner. When Jacqueline asks her to babysit Ashley says she has to go party and get hammered with her friends shit to do.

Melissa is showing off her brand new dungeon music studio that Joey build for her.  Psycho Joe says he will be pimping Melissa out to make the money back he paid for this basement prison he build her. Then, Melissa jumps in the singing booth and pretends to be singing, but the producers from Soul Diggaz notice her pretend singing sounds like a baby goat getting rimmed in the butt and tell her to step it up. Psycho Joe tells her to pretend the microphone is him, and that’s when she really fucks up. Seriously maybe if he would of said the microphone was some chicks chichi she would of gotten turned on and sing sexy, but since she had to pretend it was Joe’s hairy cannoli that ruined the whole fantasy and her song.

After dueling hours, of Mel singing about people wanting her to fall because she is so “big” according to the “median” plus a shitload  of auto tune, the song is finally done.  You can tell the Soul Diggaz  had this look in their face like they were getting impatient and having buyers regret with Melissa, but who knows maybe they decided to  go ahead and help her with this album because they owed Psycho Joey some favors.

Later on Lauren, The Godmother and the Manzo boys including their gay pet Greg all head to the gym because Lauren says she feels bloated and wants to lose some weight. While at the gym Caroline complains and complains because there is no doughnuts on a string for her to chase and complete her workout. Lauren then decides to sexually harass Greg and while they are all on the ground doing sit ups she yells “I CAN SEE YOUR PIPI!”.  Shameless attention-whore Greg doesn’t even move from the spot where Lauren has a perfect view of his cahones, but complains like a little bitch instead. Lauren is totally enjoying the pipi view and  sexually harassing Greg who only spreads his legs more. While complaining.

Next the Assho-ley intervention. Which was more like a public national TV Ashley embarrassment on top of the embarrasement that she causes herself everyday by being on TV airing her dirty chones.Ashley’s mom Jacqueline, step dad Chris and her bio dad Matt plus his wife Jodi all decide to take this girl to a restaurant cameras in tow and publicly embarrass her about what a punk ass she is who doesn’t want to do shit with her life.  The whole thing was a fucking nightmare they even managed to ruin dinner (or maybe not after all, it was a free show) for the people who were sitting right behind them, look at the dude’s face that’s sitting behind them he is all in horrified shock.

The final nail on that coffin was when Jacqueline sat there telling Ashley what a punk she is and Ashley said that she is at least a punk with no kids and pretty much tells Jacqueline that she was more of a loser at Ashley’s age than Ashley. Then, she proceeds to tell Jacqueline to close her damn legs because if she did she wouldn’t have two more kids to care for who happen to not be Ass-holey’s babysitting problem because she didn’t lay down to make those babies. Jodi’s jaw drops and Jacqueline runs to the restaurants basement to cry and do her poor me song.  Chris then reminds Ashley she is an ungrateful asshole and  how her mom gave up her million dollar beautician career to care for Ass-holey. Yeah, because publicly embarrassing this girl with the circus of cameras in tow and reminding her that she ruined her mothers life is really going to smooth things out with Ashley and make her fly right. Poor Jacqueline she gave up her career and after moving to Jersey I’m sure that there was NO WAY she could of started her own hair salon with her hubbies money and run her shop because that was all sabotaged by Ashley. I know the girl is an ungrateful asshole but, give me a fucking break! Maybe she is the way she is because of the shit her dipshit parents have been telling her all along.

The new season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hillbillies opened up with a somber note on  August 29th 2011, the day of Russell Armstrong’s funeral. To be honest I don’t even think I want to go into full recap mode because after what happened to Russell the whole Housewives franchise is now tainted. It’s the truth and it’s sad, I’m not saying it’s Bravo’s fault, but did Russell going on this show only amplified his problems? Did going on this show become a nightmare to this dude that started out with him agreeing to drop that Bravo hit of acid that Chankla peer pressured his ass to take while whispering in his ear “come on it will be fun!” meanwhile only thinking about the fun SHE  would have on this famewhoring roller-coaster of chaos, but NOT thinking about how Russell will freak out specially after the walls start to melt and there’s trails following your words until  it becomes a bad acid trip? I cannot think of any other way to describe it, but that’s how horrible it must be to be on a reality show.

Week after week ever since I started this blog (for fun) I have sat here and clowned on these housewives for everything and anything that I found ridiculous, especially their blatant insistence that their faux wealth makes them untouchable from our consistent trail of banter festivals, and when their faux-fronts crumbled down I pointed out the obvious and went into full insane-clown mode while Y’all joined me in the mocking- marathons on these ho’s.

I always thought that once the cameras stopped rolling and these bitches closed their doors that their superiority complexes protected them from our various and colorful array of taunts and that the next season the clowns would just return with the circus that is Bravo to take more tomatoes to the face while they sit and try to look sophisticated on  the stage of their faux-reality.

But now that I see that a man is dead (who wasn’t even a housewife, but rather a casualty that happened to be dragged into this mess)  it makes me wonder if it is even right for all of us to watch these shows and point out all these people’s ridiculousness in all it’s embarrassing glory while they are going through serious mental problems and Bravo is exploiting them. I don’t want everyone to think I’m sitting here preaching from the morality soapbox (especially the crass, loudmouthed, gutter mouth bitch I am) but after this tragedy I feel disappointed at the way Bravo just went ahead with their  “Ok the show must go on” attitude and all they did was slap on a little segment of the housewives talking about Russell and their opinions on the possible reasons of why they think he offed himself. Of course those reasons revolve mainly around money and how in the “town” they live at broke assess with Hyundai Sonata budget and Rolls Royce taste have to put up a front which can put a lot of unnecessary pressure on someone like Kyle puts it. Yep, Russell was a little dog trying to hang with the big dogs, all  housewives and their husbands silently agreed with that.

This episode was mainly focused on Adrienne Maloof’s  awkward dinner party and Chankla Face’s marital problems, plus her efforts in visiting a therapist to help her and Russell fix their marriage, a marriage that we all now know how it ended and this makes the whole thing sad and very grim and it sucks all the funny out of the whole season, but I’m still going to try and make my recaps funny, maybe not this one, but the future ones at least because the least we could do is learn from all of this and everyone individually will figure out the lesson they can pull out of this train-wreckage.

While everyone sat down at the dinner party Adrienne flipped out on her husband Paul for some stupid ass reason, I guess she thought that by Paul fucking around and joking he was embarrassing her when in reality the more bitchy she became the more she looked like an ass. I was embarrassed for this poor rich bitch. I think the main problem is  that she keeps letting Paul try more face-lift experiments on her already stretched out strange looking-frozen mug, hence her new face this season, and Paul keeps screwing up these face-lift experiments making her look more and more like Jocelyn Wildenstein Jr so this bitch keeps getting angrier and angrier at Dr. Frankenstein and that’s why she keeps getting more and more irritable with him.   I can see in my crystal ball that Adrienne and Paul are the next motherfuckers to get a divorce. Adrienne admits that her husband gets in her last nerve and that they can stand each other only in small doses. Sounds like Adrienne is ready to trade Paul in for a younger model since she is the suga-mama with the money in this relationshit (misspelled on purpose).

After Adrienne, managed to make everyone uncomfortable at this dinner party,  Chankla Face starts talking about Russell and how she is having difficulty in her marriage and is dragging Russell to therapy. While Chankla yaps away Lisa’s husband Ken jumps in to put in his 2cents and tells Chankla that therapy is for weak people. So he pretty much implies that Chankla and Russell are pussies for going to therapy, Chankla believes  his crazy ass is the one that really needs therapy because he sits there carrying a fucking dressed dog all day and bragging about how the dog is so good looking and dresses so nice other dogs are jealous of it, but Chankla doesn’t say that and just thinks it so instead she runs to the bathroom and cries to Kyle after getting offended at Ken’s comment and Ken gets offended at Kyle when she jumps in defending Chankla Face and instructs her to NOT use the word “offended” when she describes Chankla’s reaction.  So he then instructs the bitch to use the word “upset” instead. Lisa VanderDump is pissed off that Chankla Face is trying to manipulate Kyle to fight her battles and turn her against the VanderDumps she also calls Chankla a liar. And Lisa is absolutely right! Chankla Face is intimidated by the VanderDump bitch because not only can this bitch crush her with her wallet she can see through her bullshit and Chankla knows it.

The pettiness continues when Chankla Face returns from the bathroom and gets confronted for being a bitch and a manipulator. Suddenly Lisa decides she is done and comes up with the lamest excuse ever invented in the history of mankind, for abruptly leaving a dinner party and blurts out “I gotta pick up someone from the airport” I don’t even know why she even said that shit because everyone already KNEW why they where leaving. All this petty bullshit seems so insignificant and stupid compared to what was coming in the months ahead as Russell prepared to live his final days in this reality TV fishbowl. How did Alison Dubois and her magical cigarette not predict this outcome?

Sorry maybe the next recap I do won’t be so grim!