Real Housewives Of OC Recrap, Wine, Cheese And Strange Creepo’s
During the last episode of the Real HouseSkanks Of The OC , Tamra found out her boobs are still a size D and Vicki’s are double FF Circus Teeties. While at the bra store Tamra yells out to the world that Briana eloped and is now doing it with her new husband. Vicki covers Tamra’s big mouth to shut it up because she is embarrassed her daughter ran off to marry since in Vicki’s mind (and what she tells everyone in town) Briana is still a virgin and holding her virginity until marriage ala Teresa Giudice style.
Then, Vicki sobs and admits the real reason she is pissed that Briana ran off to get married is because she messed up Vicki’s hope to run, control, stress over agonize and handle all of the aspects of Vicki’s I mean Briana’s wedding; and if she could Vicki would also like to take control and handle all of Briana’s marriage situations after the wedding. So, this way Vicki can be happy. NOT!
Later on Slimey puts on some spandex (OH LAWD WHY!?) and heads out to ride bikes with Gretchen’s dad, this way he can also asks Gretchen’s dad for her hand in marriage. Gretchen’s dad response, first he laughs in Slimey’s face then he says something like: SHE IS A BIG GIRL, AND I DOUBT SHE’LL MARRIED A BROKE ASS SLIME BUCKET DEAD BEAT LIKE YOU, WITH A TRAIL OF LEGAL TROUBLES WHO THINKS HE IS A STAR. So much for that!
Then, we find out it takes Gretchen four hours to cement on her makeup if not she looks like this:
Meanwhile Gretchen is having lunch with Tamra and her ears are ringing so she tells Tamra that she doesn’t want to marry loser Slimey because she knows he is a broke ass and all of his child support debts will become hers but, she keeps him around anyways so this way she can have a story line to sell us and someone to run to the store when she needs tampons, that’s what their relationshit is based on.
Then, they start talking about how Tamra is starting a gym without equipment only classes, (people can go on youtube and watch free exercise videos for that shit, just saying) and about how everyone will have to wear gowns to the Wines BY Wives event where Vicki will announce Briana’s recent elopement and later ambush Bri with an introduction to the new con man in her life whom her children haven’t met yet, even thought this asshole whom no one knows what he does for a living already knows all of Vicki’s email, Facebook and bank account passwords, not to mention the fact that, he drives Vicki’s cars around town and Vicki pays for his meals expensive hotels and designer clothes. These are the concerns Briana and all of America have but, smart business lady Vicki has no answers to these concerns. Like I said before, why doesn’t this desperate bitch just hire a gigolo instead? They will tell her everything she wants to hear and is cheaper in the long run. Vicki may be business smart but street dumb. Truck driver tits Tamra seems to be more street smart but, Vicki who thinks she knows it all wouldn’t listen to Tamra’s advice when it comes to dipshit Crooked Brooks until her ass is on the street homeless, broke, toothless and wearing a barrel because Brook The Crook conned her out of all of her shit.
When all the other ho’s show up at the event Tamra brings her beardy son Ryan (who is now a werewolf who rents-to-own couches) as her date, and we also find out that in OC NO ONE dresses up. WHAT?! I am confused here, don’t these bitches always run around wearing big hooker stilettos with their chi-chis hanging out and huge ass rapper-50 lb necklaces and shit like that? They are always dressed up. Well call me Billy and send me to the Beach in flip-flops(beach-billy) because to me it looks like they’re always dressed up ALWAYS. Like HOOKERS working the corner but, they do dress up EVERYDAY so I don’t know why they’re saying they never do. OKAY THEN.
When all the ho’s arrive in their fancy dresses Baby Joker Face starts throwing her opinion around about how in the ghetto ass OC these bitches don’t know how to dress up fancy or how to behave at such foo foo la la events because someone already stuck their middle finger in the potato salad and blah, blah, blah.
While Baby Joker Face is standing there pointing out people’s un-fancy behavior her point is made when banjos start playing to announce that AlexAss is in the room, the bitch shows up wearing road kill, with a short skirt and is late because she couldn’t find her other braincell, the one that still kinda works.
Vicki forces her son Michael to go meet Crooked Brooks and of course Michael starts smelling bullshit right away. Brooks gives Michael his selling pitch and tells him how he knows Michael is a great person and loves him blah, blah, blah. Then, the asshole has the nerve to bring up Briana’s elopement and is acting as if he is known Michael for many years, this pisses Michael off to no end and wants to punch this douche right in his mouth. By this time the smell of bullshit was so strong Michael’s eyes are watery, he feels nauseous and needs to jump through the window, anything to get away from Brook’s creepy ass spewage. Michael finally makes an escape but the poor thing had a nasty taste in his mouth that lasted for days as if he ate a shit sandwich, after meeting that weirdo Brooks. POBRECITO!
Well Briana and her husband Mr. Briana J (Hi Nikki!) finally show up and before they meet Crooked Brooks, Vicki decides to do a big ass announcement that her daughter went off to Vegas to get hitched. But, before Vicki gets to the point she is going on and on about Briana and the shenanigans she pulled, so people thought some bad shit happened to her until Vicki says she got married and everyone was like OH THAT’S IT? BUT SHE IS FINE RIGHT? Gretchen wonders where Briana got the ‘brass balls’ to elope knowing who her monster, I mean mother is.
Surprisingly Michael learned of his sisters elopement adventures in Vegas from Facebook and thinks it was “shocking and disgusting” at least he knows who his mother is.
Later on Brooks turns up the creep factor and tells Vicki and Tamra how he admires, respects and looooves their sons who are pillars of society who will change the world whom he is only met like two minutes ago. Tamra wants to laugh and spit her wine in Brook’s face, I am surprise she held it together and didn’t spit on him, that was a miracle that took Tamra a lot of self restraint. Proud of her. What the fuck am I saying, NO I AM NOT! I rather see Tamra be Tamra the bitch hardly ever disappoints me with her no filter mouth. That’s why I love Tamra despite all the shit I talk about the crazy bitch, it is done with looove, I curl up my lips as I pronounce it loooove.
Finally the moment arrives for Brooks to go on full creep mode and meet Briana and Ryan. Briana wants to throw up the minute she hears the bullshit that’s coming out of this douche’s mouth and isn’t buying the cheap-swamp-lake creepy ass Hallmark asshole-sucking speech he is throwing at her. BRIANA DOESN’T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT HIM BECAUSE SHE CAN’T! When Vicki insists that they get along Briana gives her a ‘fuck you’ attitude . Brooks can tell Briana can’t stand him and can see RIGHT THROUGH HIM and HE KNOWS IT.
Vicki keeps pushing that they all get along and says that her situation with Crooked Brooks is the same as Briana and Ryan. Briana flips out and says HELL NO IT’S NOT THE SAME! Vicki almost has a heart attack from her daughter’s latest telling that bitch like it is smack down disrespect and Brooks almost loses it. You can see it in Brook’s eyes that he is flaming pissed and his face says that he wants to get up be his true nasty self and yell some obscenities at Bri. But, suddenly he remembers where he is at and totally holds himself back because he has his eyes on the prize and doesn’t want to let Vicki’s kids mess that up. We will see about that, since being on National TV is not going to help keep those skeletons in that closet of his, is only going to bring them out dancing.
Check out this video spoof from TVGasms.
