realfauxhousewives.com

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillbillies, Chankla Face Gets Twitter Death Threats FBI Finds The Culprit

admin — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:10:42 +0000

Chankla Face got threatening Twitter messages a few days ago from someone by the name of @Hardboiledpeggs who send her these lovely threats:

“see u on February 7 ill be there with a book and a rope so i can kidnap u,” and the threats got worse when this crazy person started making sick threats to harm Chankla’s little daughter Kennedy. ”Turn around bright eyes every now and then, Kennedy’s dead,” Chankla freaked out and responded. “Don’t ever contact me again.”

All this because Chankla Face was going to be at some book signing on February 7th in New Jersey for that book she wrote were she is badmouthing her now dead husband.

Later on the Twitter account @Hardboiledpeggs was deleted and Chankla Face contacted the auhorities who later found the person sending the Twitter threats was a mentally ill teenager who was more than likely bored and wanted to fuck with Chankla. However, threatening to kill the little girl Kennedy is just plain sick.

From Radaronline:

“This was taken very, very seriously. The death threats Taylor and her daughter received are from a teenage girl that lives in New Jersey. The teenager appears to suffer from mental health issues,” a law enforcement source tells RadarOnline.com. “Taylor is extremely grateful to the FBI for identifying the culprit.”

“It was disturbing for Taylor to find out that the girl lives in New Jersey, because of the specific threat she got in regards to her book signing in the Garden state on February 7.”

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Fired Ho’ Jill Zarin Has Fantasies Bravo Wants Her Back

admin — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 21:57:14 +0000

Jill Zarin got the boot to the ass by Bravo, but just like a teenager that got dumped by the boyfriend who popped her cherry, Jill still can’t get over the breakup and her hyperactive imagination is now making her have delusions that Bravo actually wants her back! (Either that or the bitch is straight up lying it sounds like!)

Check this shit out, according to Radaronline Jill said that she was going to quit this bitchfest before they fired her “I thought about quitting the show during season 4, because my husband wanted his wife back,” paranoid guild ridden Jill also thought the other bitches were plotting against her and I bet she was right. “I had such anxiety and pressure to act a certain way and I was paranoid for a reason, because people were planning and plotting against me.”

Jill says that she is too old to be making an ass out of herself on Housewives so she decided she is going to make an ass out of herself elsewhere, “I’m too old and have grown up too much to do Real Housewivesanymore, I want to set an example to my kids and my grandkids,”

Jill says that somebody from Bravo, called her and begged her crazy ass to come back for appearances on the show, but Jill told them to fuck off (according to her) because she is going to be famewhoring her craziness on another TV Show that will tolerate her for a minute. Jill will be driving people crazy on, Iron Chef America’s Top 5 Moments in Kitchen Stadium History which premieres Tuesday, January 31, at 10:30 p.m. ET.

Thank you Elizabeth for sending me the headsup on this gossip!

Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Marlo Hampton’s Big Poppa Revealed

admin — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 19:31:49 +0000

Marlo Hampton’s hefty income to support her lavish lifestyle, has been questioned by everyone including loud ass Sheree Whitfield who accused Marlo of having an 80 year old white sugar daddy who keeps Marlo in diamonds and five hundred dollar red sole expensive hooker shoes.

Well it looks like the mistery was solved because Marlo’s sugar daddy has been revealed. According to Diary Of A Street King, Marlo Hampton’s Big Poppa is Ted Turner who supposedly had Marlo as his side bitch and Marlo was the reason Jane Fonda left Ted Turner.

“Ted Turner was Marlo’s sugar daddy. My understanding is that Marlo is one of the reasons why Jane Fonda divorced Ted Turner.

Ted Turner is the “sponsor” who financed the The Red Carpet Boutique Marlo had at the Perimeter mall in ATL. Marlo knows how to get money, she’s a true hustler.”

Sooo, it sounds like Marlo is a professional Prostitution Whore who slashes women’s face’s for a hobby and has a Big Poppa to bail her out when she gets arrested.

Thanks to emr3857 for sending me the headsup on this juicy gossip!

Exclusive Interview With One Of Kim Zolciak’s Old Friends Spills All The Dirt On Kim’s Homewrecking And Trail Of Big Poppa’s Way Before Kroy

admin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:56:01 +0000

Kim Zolciak who was recently accused by Bitter Peter for being a racist because she missed going to Africa with the other skanks, used to be a crazy sex starved ho’ who was out home-wrecking marriages and polishing poles. This is according to an insider who used to shoot the shit with Kim back in the day (and this person emailed me answers to all the questions I asked, so that’s all the info I have whether is true or not I can’t confirm, but I believe it so I am posting.)

The insider stated that Kim Zolciak’s ex Daniel Toce who is also Brielle’s father was married when he met Kim and had an affair with her. And yes Kim knew he was married! This is the same Daniel Toce who was recently in trouble with the law for being a pedophile!

According to the insider, Daniel Toce and Kim moved to Georgia where he became a heavy drinker and drug user, who along with Kim had Aston Martin taste with Yugo budget and would write checks that bounced down the street while they ate at nice restaurants or they would just run out and not pay the bill. Daniel and Kim also stole credit cards from his first wife (that he had the affair on) in order to buy Kim her first set of boobs. Daniel went to jail for thieving those credit cards out of his first wife’s purse while she was passed out and meanwhile Kim let him rot in jail while she ran around with her stable of “Big Poppas” and the bitch didn’t even bother to pay Daniel’s bail or anything.

Ever since 2008 the rumors have swirled on the Internet about Kim Zolciak’s stripper past at the Cheetah Club where she went by the name “Barbie” and shook her ass for quarters back in 2003. According to the insider Kim worked as a stripper at this club and Daniel watched Brielle while Kim worked the lap dance and glory hole room. Kim came home at 4am usually and they all slept in the same bed! NOW REMEMBER THIS IS THE SAME ASSHOLE ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION!!!! I also remember Kim saying something about her and the girls all sleeping in the same bed as Big Pooper Scooper!

The insider also revealed that Kim’s freak number is a 13 because the bitch had some weird sex fantasies like choking and rape. Kim would also cheat on this guy, who once caught her having lunch with another man (probably one of her Big Poppa’s) and she called him “crazy” for accusing her of cheating.

In the end Karma hit Kim and Daniel left Kim’s ass and went and had an affair with a very young girl behind her back. This girl got pregnant by Daniel (supposedly) and so the process started over again of Daniel leaving his current fuck for a younger prettier one. Apparently Daniel met the girl at his place of employment, which happens to be the same place where Kim’s friend Cori works.

And NO this Daniel Toce is not some heir to some throne and fortune, Kim doesn’t get 200k a month alimony like it was previously believed since they had this Daniel Toce confused with another one. Kim’s Daniel Toce is not rich he was born poor and doesn’t have the type of money where he could pay Kim a hefty child-support check each month which is the reason why Kim has been working all these years on her knees and back and on all fours as a paid side bitch for married wealthy Big Poppas, and also why she got knocked up by Kroy real quick to ensure getting paid for life.

I wonder if Miss Andy will ask Kim any questions pertaining to this gossip when reunion day comes? This is all I got if I get more dirt I will post it.

Gerard Butler Asks Who The Hell Is Brandi Glanville? Brandi Insist He Banged Her

admin — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 06:31:20 +0000

Brandi Glanville has a habit of telling bed-post scratch stories about people she wanted to fuck, but probably never did. And if she did they don’t want to admit they hooked up with her crazy ass because maybe they had some drunken episode, spur of the moment fuckup and regretted or forgot the whole thing the next day.

First Brandi wanted everyone to believe she had a scissor session with Demi Moore and now she claims to have raunchy sloppy sex with a new celebrity. When Andy Cohen asked her during a Watch Watch Happens taping “Who is the most famous person, besides Eddie Cibrian, that you have hooked up with?” she giggled and answered “Gerard Butler.”

When TMZ harassed Gerard Butler and asked him if he shagged that ho’ his response was “Who’s Brandi Glanville?” The saddest thing is that even after this dude denied bumping fuglies with desperate Brandi she still insist he did her, but doesn’t want to admit it. “He called me last night and told me he said it,” she insist. “He is upset because he is a private person. I don’t lie, so I don’t really care.” And insist. “He’s not super excited. He’s super private. I’m not going to talk about it anymore,”

So do you guys think they did the deed? Or is Gerard Butler just a bigger ho’ than Brandi who can’t remember who he banged last weekend, and we may need Brandi to show the genital Herpes to prove she rode him? Or is Brandi just a delusional ho’ with an imagination out of control from too much Xanax and booze binges?

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillbillies, None Of The Bitches Believed Chankla Face Was A Battered Wife, Plus Lawsuits Against Chankla That Can Make Her Quit The Show

admin — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 06:00:19 +0000

While Chankla Face cried and cried Domestic Abuse and even went as far as sporting a black eye over a fat lip, it came out that Chankla may have been doing this in a desperate attempt to convince the other ho’s that Russell beat her ass because all along the other ho’s kept catching her in lies that didn’t add up about the so called Domestic Abuse.

An insider of the show (I’m looking at both Camille and Adrienne !) told Radaronline, “Taylor told the other women about her abuse, but her stories didn’t match up,” and “They thought that maybe she wasn’t telling the truth about how Russell was treating her.”

And since Chankla and the other ho’s are only Faux TV Friends they felt she was lying anyway because she complained and stayed with the so called abuser not to mention Chankla was supposed to be a Domestic Violence Scam Ho’ or some shit, “The other Housewives didn’t understand why Taylor would claim that Russell was abusing her but would stay with him and not take care of the problem,” Camille said. “They all offered her help to get out of the situation, but she didn’t do anything”

All the details of the ass beatings would change per Chankla’s mood and also ever since the White Sheeet Episode this bitch was busted and she knew it. “Taylor’s stories about the abuse would change and she would amp up the details of the violence so the other women started to doubt any part of her story,”

With Chankla constantly changing stories about the so-called abuse to suit her shoes, everyone started suspecting her of just making up the drama to stay relevant on the show and sell a story so Chankla could feed her Attention Whore Personality Disorder addictions, “Each time Taylor would talk about the domestic abuse her story would change, and the ladies started to think that she wasn’t being honest about what was happening,”

Also Camille admits she won’t be back for another season because she just wants to take her divorce Lottery Jackpot and run like any smart bitch would:

“It’s an open secret that Camille most likely won’t be back for a third season. She came off as such a b**ch during season one, whereas this season she has been very reserved, and she isn’t exactly eager to return.”

And because Camille is leaving to do more important things like have young boy-toys rub sun tan lotion with thousand dollar bills while she lays naked in some beach in Hawaii; the Bravo Vultures are desperately asking Lisa and the other skanks if any of their rich-bitch friends want to make an ass of themselves on this show for a few shinny quarters:

“Producers are asking Lisa Vanderpump, Adrienne Maloof and Kyle Richards if any of their wealthy female friends would be interested in appearing on the show,”

Chankla Face And Russell Armstrong And The Millions Of Dollars That Went Through Their Fingers!

Now Chankla is looking at more shit to face because the people at MyMedicalRecords.com are still looking to get their 1.5 million dollars from Chankla Face, and they don’t give a shit that Russell killed himself and Chankla is a grieving widow who claims she suffered domestic abuse at the hands of Russell because their people watch the show and they KNOW she is full of shit.”Where are the millions of dollars that flowed through their bank accounts and pockets? We have no reason to believe that Russell was broke or that Taylor is a victim of Russell without the ability to pay damages to MMR,”

And finally a petition was put together for Bravo to give Chankla Face the boot to the ass.

Bethenny Frankel’s New Talk Show Will Premiere In Summer, Husband Not Happy With Her Big Mouth

admin — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:26:19 +0000

The super vocal Bethenny Frankel had a very rough last year after she hit the Jackpot with her Skinny Girl Brand and everyone and their mama decided to sue her. More bad news emerged for Bethenny when she tried to start her own talk show and was turned down for having “diarrhea of the mouth” syndrome.

But, it seems that Bethenny will still get her way because the powers that be are going to give her, her own talk show after all (Ala Jerry Springer hopefully!) Since she got herself a magic godmother named Ellen Degeneres who will be a co-executive producer and will be helping Bethenny make her talk show dream come true along with the help of some big wig stations. Bethenny’s new show will premiere in June 2012. Bethenny will also be ending her Bethenny Ever After Show this February to make room for her upcoming talk show (supposedly, but methinks it’s also Mr. Bethenny Frankel who is not happy about the idea of their dirty chones being aired.)

Earlier this week Bethenny wrote on her blog, “I have exciting news for you guys! The queen of too much information is coming to DAYTIME! It is going to be an exciting journey and I can’t wait for you to join me,”

Bethenny’s show is supposed to premiere on Fox next summer. She added, “Thanks for being so loyal and supportive, without you, this wouldn’t be happening. See you all this summer on Fox!”

Lately Bethenny has also been running her mouth about Jason’s dick “cobwebs” plus other lack of fuck-session problems, and he is not very happy about that shit. In addition to Jason being pissed, Bethenny herself is fuming also because of the drama with her mother and all that fun shit involved.

A friend of Jason’s told Chicago Sun Times that Jason is , “absolutely enraged by Bethenny publicly talking about their sex life and personal problems — and by the nerve of her estranged mother selling a divorce story about them to one of the supermarket magazines.” The source says that all these allegations from Bethenny’s mother are false, “and [Bernadette] clearly has no clue about what’s really going on in Bethenny’s life — let alone her marriage,”

Bethenny has admitted that she is going through extensive therapy to save her marriage she says, “I’ve always been good at business,” and admits she sucks at relationships “but I’ve always struggled with relationships.”

Also a long time obvious frienemy of Bethenny’s says that Bethenny doesn’t give two shits about Jason, “She’s all about money and business and doesn’t give a crap about Jason.”

What da ya’ Bitches think does Jason have the right to be pissed about Bethenny’s big motormouth and her mother’s involvement in spewing nasty gossip about their married life? I think he does!

Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Jacqueline Laurita’s Stripper Drama Continues

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:49:50 +0000

Recent rumors surfaced about Jacqueline Laurita being a stripper and prostitution whore who met her husband at the pole, but Jacqueline has time and time again denied those rumors and says all those rumors are bullshit and has even gone as far as pulling out of her ass, identification cards and other proof that show Jacqueline was not a stripper or a prostitution whore.

Jacqueline told The Huffington Post, “I swear on the life of myself, my husband and my children that I was never a call girl or ever got paid for any sexual favor of any kind, either,” and says she is not a liar “Do you honestly think that I am the kind of girl that lies?”and adds ”Honestly? Lying is my biggest pet peeve. I am the biggest open book there is. Almost to a fault.”

Here is the evidence that supports Jacqueline had a legitimate respectable job as a daycare provider that show proof she was not earning money the old fashion laying on your back way:

For someone who never stripped or whored around she is worrying too much pulling out all these id’s and whatnot.

Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Kim Zolciak Tells Bitter Peter To Kiss Her Ass!

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:43:22 +0000

On the last episode of RHOA all the skanks piled up on a 7 day flight to Africa except for Kim because she was breast feeding and bound to her newborn baby and no husband at home.

However, Bitter Peter has a different opinion as to why Kim missed the trip and says that it’s because of some racist bullshit about Kim not wanting to go because it’s not somewhere in Europe like Italy or some shit, he says that because they were going to Africa Kim decided to skip.

Kim didn’t like Bitter Peter’s smart ass comments and fired back on her Twitter telling Peter to kiss her ass:

“Peter is so ignorant!! Kj was 7 weeks old, I was breastfeeding and Kroy was gone at football camp! Sooo Peter can kiss my ass!!!”

And speaking of Twitter talks apparently Kim and Sweetie are still friends despite the fact that Kim supposedly fired the enslaved Sweetie. Earlier this week Sweetie twitted some shit about energy drinks to get up early and Kim told her to stay away from that shit because last time they got wired on that shit Kim thought she was having a heart attack:

“noooooo those things are dangerous,”

“last time we took that we thought we were having a heart attack!”

Kim also blabbed some shit on her blog about how people warned her NOT to date Kroy Biermman (why?) because he is an NFL player and because he is younger than her?

‘Don’t date Kroy, he’s an NFL player, don’t date him,’

I wonder how many people warned Kroy NOT to date Kim because she is a goldigger who will suck him out of man-juice and money.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hillbillies Recrap, Kim You Missed The Boat Literaly!

admin — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 07:15:33 +0000

Paul talks Adrienne into going with him to some hidden volcano place so he can try and get some later. Adrienne thinks it’s because he wants to push her over the edge of the mountain and into the ocean, since Paul and her haven’t held hands, or kissed or done it doggy style or any style in 25 years or so. Poor Dr. Frankenstein, all he is trying to do is get some later from Miss Jocelyn Wildenstein Jr, and all that bitch keeps thinking about is the possibility of getting thrown into the sea and having to swim back minus her thousand dollar wig.

Meanwhile at the hotel Kyle is sitting around in a towel stuffing her face full of Mauricio when suddenly there’s Margaritas at the door but all Kyle hears is the loud meth induced screeches that come out of Kim’s lizard mouth.

Yep, Kim has finally arrived in Hawaii in all her disheveled faded glory. Surprisingly the walls at this fancy schmancy Four Seasons Hotel are thinner than the walls at the Sleazy 8 Hourly Motel because Kyle can hear every single word Kim is farting out of her mouth. I bet Kyle and Maurico will hear the two fucktards next door going at it monkey style and it will disrupt their get-it-on time.

Meanwhile Mauricio who doesn’t seem to give a shit too much if Kim and Quasi are next door or not, just keeps trying to convince his wife to join him in downing Margaritas, since these may help them block the sound of Kim and Quasi next door.

Honey just come here and get drunk with me and blow me!

Later everyone gets dressed to go to dinner.

Brandi is trying to dry hump grandpa Ken and of course he enjoys it. Mauricio is hoping she tries to hump on him and Kyle for a casual threesome later.

Lisa admits to liking Brandi and her stupidity so she allows her in the Menage a trois.

Then this chunky dude shows up and seems to only notice the “ladies” there. NICE!

Camille and Brandi are ready to jump on chunky boy.

This bitch here gets all exicted when Chunky boy says ‘BLOW”

After Brandi gets passed around like a joint in a hippie van and gropped by a few Hawaiian fat guys (and she loooves that shit) they all plop down to dinner. It was beautiful.

Camille you’re next bitch!

Kim and Quasi show up nice and fucked up. Kim cannot even walk straight. Kim shows up lying about the real reason why her and Quasimodo missed their flight and now she has forgotten the other excuse she gave Kyle over the phone because she was high like a kite at the time and she can’t keep her lies straight.

So, now Kim has a brand new excuse and says that Quasimodo had to work the corner and so they missed their flight and were unable to show up on time. But then, during her talking head interview the dumb bitch admits she was lying when she says she didn’t want to go into explanations about the real reason she was late and that’s why she told Kyle and Mauricio it was because Quasi had to work.

Why does she insist on wearing this hideous garbage bag or psycho Christmas wrapping paper whatever the fuck that shit is she is wearing? WHY KIM?

Wait, DUUH! What was the reason I told these bitches we missed the flight and the train? Did I say I lost my keys and underwears or that Ken had to work? Oh well, I was too fucked up I can’t remember shit. HE HE HE!!! METH IS A HELL OF A DRUG!

Mauricio and Kyle are equally confused and annoyed with all of Kim’s bullshit.

So Mauricio and Kyle both decide they want to confront Kim and Quasimodo on their constant lying right then and there, in the middle of Mauricio’s birthday dinner. Kim insist (and acts like it’s no big deal she lied) that it’s because her and Quasi were fucked up for the last 3 days on king meth and smack cocktails the supposedly retired Quasi had to work. Mauricio says that they are bullshitting him because he was told previously that Quasi was retired and all of the sudden he has to work, not to mention that Kim also bullshitted Kyle while on the call from her house when she told her she lost her passport and keys and underwear and blah, blah, blah.

And she tries to keep up the charade even with Mauricio confronting her and the cameras rolling. But, I have to agree with Kim and fucktard this was the WRONG time to call her out on her bullshit. But, with these bitches even when fun things are happening around them they all have to shit on it one way or the other. Kim tells her sister and Mauricio to eat the “story” they are feeding them and to quit worrying about the lateness and just be happy and enjoy herself and not ruin Kim’s high. Kyle says it’s “BULLSHIT!”

Mauricio gets all turned on by Kyle’s insistence on calling out her doped out lying sister and asks Kyle for a kiss after she almost starts a hair pulling cat fight with Kim.

Kim’s hit of X plus the cocktail of other questionable pills kicks in and also to clown on Mauricio and Kyle she decides to smooch on Quasimodo and mock Mauricio.

Then, a frustrated Kyle notices nothing is fazing Kim so she decides it’s time to talk shit about someone else and she brings up the Chankla/Russell situation and says that Chankla finally left Russell. Kim starts laughing because that was some good smack she slammed that day and surprisingly (and this happens once in a while) out of her insanity mouth truth comes out when she blurts out that Chankla left Russell so that she can be invited to the next party for sure. Everyone looks at Kim like she has maggots coming out of her mouth, but the bitch speaks the truth so everyone else realizes that they have to agree with this crazy bitch on this one. Paul says that Chankla will be back with Russell in two weeks and Camille calls her ‘The boy who cried wolf.”

Lisa (who drank of Chankla Face’s feel sorry for me Kool Aid) tries to stick up for Chankla by saying that she never heard Chankla cry wolf for Russell about leaving him. Camille quickly jumps in and calls bullshit on that bitch and says that Chankla Face said she was leaving Russell while at Camille’s house. Because this dinner is turning awkward Paul decides to propose a toast to his sexy wife who barely gives him a peck on the lips. Everyone gives Adrienne shit for not sucking face with Paul so she decides to plant a good open mouth kiss while she sticks her tongue down his throat. Crazy ass Brandi believes prudish Adrienne is a freak in the bedroom and her and Paul must attend a lot of Roman orgies and such. Yeah, I can just picture Paul with a gag ball in his mouth while Adrienne wears a dominatrix jumpsuit and whips him.

Then, Adrienne makes one of these “I can’t believe I did that!” stupid numbers that bitches like her like to give.

Kyle is sitting there shooting daggers at Chicken Head and Quasi. But, Chicken head Kim can’t tell because she is flying too high to notice that shit. All Kim cares about is having Quasimodo stay up all night to rub her flat ass. Everybody puked their dinner.

Kyle and Lisa are yapping about what an inconsiderate asshole Kim is and Lisa makes a good point to Kyle about letting it go and quit crying because Kim will never change.

I just want to punch Kim in the face!

Mauricio then, does a toast to tell the truth that will set you free because he is following some fun philosophy or some shit.

This little toast causes Kyle and Kim and Mauricio to start yelling at each other in anger. I bet Kim was really pissed that all these fucktards were pissing on her high.

FUCK YOU ALL IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS EVEN IF I WAS IN SOME GUTTER HAVING METH SPAMS!

BITCH YOU LIED AND NOW NOBODY CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME, LANAI IS RUINED!

While they all yell at each other everyone keeps eating their dinner that now Kim, Kyle, Mauricio and Quasi shit on.

The next day around noon, all the bitches get ready to go on a sail boat ride. They all put on their chones to go catch the short bus to the boat ride except for of course Kim who is too fucked up to find her granny chones and join the other ho’s on time.

Guess who go a blow job last night!

SHUT UP PAUL!

Kyle and Lisa get impatient and go knock on Kim’s door.

Their sailboat ride is in about 20 minutes and so the bitches get impatient and decide to jump the connecting wall.

Lisa gets her big butt stuck on the wall’s glory hole.

AAAHHH!!! MY BIG FAT ASS (In her uppity English accent) GOT STUCK IN THE THING!!

After Lisa got some butter to unstuck her big British ass, Kyle and Lisa decide to pound on Kim’s back sliding glass door so that Kyle can stand there yelling at that ho’.

GET UP BITCH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!

After Lisa and Kyle climb the wall one more time they both go pound on Kim’s front door.

Kim is either stupid, playing stupid or just still fucked up from her meth and booze binge because she doesn’t even know who is at the front door. This is when Lisa should of said OPEN UP IT’S THE POLICE! Just to fuck with her, I would of.

Then stupid Kim starts fighting with Lisa because she doesn’t want Lisa to come in and see her mirror and that powdery white stuff on it. She will let Kyle in since she already knows about that shit. Finally they all do what they should of done in the first place and leave without Kim.

LATER BITCH!

The other bitches board the boat and have some sort of a teetie contest.

Kim and Quasimodo get in their own car to board the boat. Kim and Quasi don’t even want to go do this activity and in Kim’s delusional head of delusions and meth induced dreams she believes the boat will not leave without her because she is a Marlon fisher? What the fuck? I thought she was an Arabian horse? Now she is a Marlon fisher and this will make the captain to be forced to wait for her? Meth is a hell of a drug indeed. While they all the skanks and the boat crew are sailing away, they see Kim and Quasi driving to the docs but the Captain says he ain’t turning around for that trick and if she wants to join the boat her and Quasi will have to swim. Well bitch they are leaving without you!

Kim and Quasi get there right when the boat was taking off and here’s Kyle!

KIIIIIIM!!! BITCH SWIIIIMMM!!!!

Kyle gets all upset that Kim will be missing the boat and will not be attending so that Kyle can push her over board. Quasi and Kim don’t seem to give a shit or be too bothered they missed the boat. As a matter of fact I think Kim and Quasi wanted to miss that boat on purpose so that they can hole up in the hotel room so they can chop their breakfast on a mirror. During her talking head Kim keeps lying about the real reason they missed their wake up call while wearing that fugly ass garbage bag that she wears when she misplaces her clothes.

Next Kim and Quasi sit at their lanai babbling about nothing while Kim keeps repeating that “it all happened for a reason.” Following by Quasimodo saying some shit about “respect or else” and threatens to flip out on people if they don’t show respect or some shit, in his weird ass convicted felon voice.

All the land hags have become sea hags. Lisa tries to take off Brandi’s piece of floss that she wears as a bikini so that her vagina can be exposed but surprisingly Brandi catches on to that and ties the piece of floss back onto her tights to cover her ass crack. Mauricio is all trying to look. Everyone who is not afraid of water (Camille and Mauricio) jump in the cool water to see the fishis. But, all the other skank hags stay on the boat because their hair weaves may fall off in the water and their makeup may run. Not to mention the wax on their faces may melt. Camille didn’t seem to have a problem with that so I don’t understand why the other ho’s couldn’t join her.

Brandi wastes no time flirting with the cute Captain of the Trilogy and asks him if he is married or has kids, his response “no just a free spirit” in other words after the one night stand get the fuck out and take a cab home and don’t call me again.

YOU’RE JUST A BOOTY CALL!!!

Lisa and the other ho’s agree that with Brandi’s “no dimple ass” she shouldn’t even wear clothes.Brandi says that she reminds Lisa of Lisa when Lisa was a young “hottie patootie” and the torch is in Brandi’s hands now. How old is Brandi like 38? I swear these bitches make me feel like I’m a fucking teenager compare to them. Another reason I watch this show.

Next we see Chankla Face talking with her bestie Dana/Pam. Chankla is complaining to Dana/Pam about getting left in California and not be invited to Hawaii because of Russell’s shenanigans. Why is Dana/Pam all lobster red? Was she left out in the sun for 17 hours or did someone take an iron to her face? Dana/Pam tells Chankla Face that once those bitches realize how wrong they were to kick the Chankla out of the club house because of Russell and once they find out she kicked him to the curb they will all come back with open arms and invite her to their parties and Hawaii trips (paid by Bravo) again.

And Chankla Face sat there crying some more.

Meanwhile in Hawaii the bitches are all going to their final dinner. Everyone is in attendance. When Paul and Adrienne show up Paul kept barking at the hostess “WHAT’S YER NAME?!” Like he was some incoherent rapper holding an oversized plastic chalice painted gold. Adrienne being the most polite of the two tells his ass to calm down.

Of course Kim and Quasi show up all high and on time surprisingly. Everyone keeps busting Kim’s balls about her constant absence and asking her what the fuck is going on with her chicken headed ass because she missed every single activity that was planned. Kim just keeps repeating that she missed the boat “for a reason”. She must be right because the reason must be that her skinny ass would of either gotten thrown overboard or just flowned overboard like Brandi’s ass and floss almost did.

Before everyone plops down to scarf their dinner Paul, Adrienne and Kim are all outside talking about Kim’s relationship to Quasi and how she met him and that type of shit. Quasimodo was wondering around and when he comes by Kim and the others he finds out they are talking about him and Kim makes a joke that this is why his ears are ringing. Quasi doesn’t get the joke and gets up in Adrienne’s face and starts confronting her about how he is not a fan of whatever shit they are spewing about him and how Adrienne has a surprised face like she got caught saying something bad about him. And he is all a weirdo dick about it too with his sinister low voice .

Paul just stands there watching this fool confront his wife I was waiting for Paul to punch him out but Paul was more classy than that and just said to Quasi that they were saying good things about him and makes him feel stupid.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE SAYING GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOU. YOU DO KNOW MY WIFE ALWAYS HAS A SURPRISED CRAZY PLASTIC SURGERY LOOK ON HER FACE BECAUSE OF THE SIX FACE TRANSPLANTS I’VE PERFORMED ON HER FACE RIGHT?

While sitting at dinner Quasimoto starts to trip on Kim about the food she is eating. Quasimoto seems to think he can tell Chicken Head what cheeses she likes and what food she should shove down her fat mouth.

BITCH I’M TELLING YOU WHAT YOU LIKE NOW. DON’T ARGUE WITH ME!

BUT I LIKE BRIE CHEESE!

Kim then, asks for her blanky and Quasi hands it to her so she can cover up because she is cold when she comes down from her meth binges.

Kim keeps telling everyone how she sat around all day and wasted the day pretty much “relaxing” and “everything happens for a reason” blah, blah, blah. Mauricio and Kyle are still pretty “understandably” pissed off over cracky missing two planes, a bus, a train and a boat and so they decide to confront her crazy ass again.

And again Kim and Quasi just keep acting like nothing happened. Quasi says “we don’t” give a shit what you think and riles up Kyle even more.

Finally Kim and Quasi make the best decision they could of ever made and ’scram” like the assholes they are.